I have dark blonde hair and really pretty green eyes (or so I'm told). I have a smile from ear to ear most of the time. Thus, a nickname I had in school was "Joker". Which at the time I didn't find very amusing. My last name Neraasen is of Norweigian background, and I have very pale skin and have the Slavic cheekbones. I am also built pretty tough, I have a larger structure and have always been pretty strong. I love music and listened to a lot of Sarah Brightman (opera singer) through out my pregnancy. Music continues to be extremely important in my life. It can get me through the really tough days.

I found out I was pregnant in June of last year. I'm not sure of the exact date because I didn't buy a pregnancy test, I just knew. I wasn't sure what I was going to do or even if I wanted to tell anybody right away. The only thing I knew for sure was that I didn't want to have an abortion. My personal beliefs are that life is too precious and I believed that baby was alive.

I told everyone, meaning my parents and Neill after my first doctors appointment on July 24th. I told my parents first right after my appointment. I went to their house and basically said "Well, I'm pregnant what's new with you?" They were kind of shocked and asked me what I was going to do. I said that I was going to parent the baby which remains a point of guilt that I have. I got them all excited to be grandparents, and I feel guilty for taking that away from them.

Later on that day, when Neill came home from work I told him. We had previously decided to continue living together (in seperate rooms) until I could afford to move out on my own. He was very shocked and didn't say much at that time. He went over to his girlfriends house and discussed MY pregnancy with her. He came home the next day and said that THEY had decided that it would be best if I moved in with my parents. I started crying and said that I thought he was being selfish and thinking only of himself, when clearly I would be the one most affected by this. He said that he didn't want me to move out right away, that he was not kicking me out or anything he just thought it would be best for me if I had my parents around during the last few months. After, my emotions (hormones) were under control I realized that he was right, and I didn't really want to stay there anyway.

Neill, right from the start wanted to place the baby for adoption, but he said that it was my decision and he would support any one that I had made. My aunt Lesley had gotten in touch with an adoption agency called "Adoption Options" and told me to give them a call, just to see what it was all about. Personally, before this situation, I thought adoption was terrible. I thought that the mom gives birth and never even gets to see the child until 18 years later, maybe, if the child knows they were adopted and wants to look for the birth-parents. I could never be able to go through with it not knowing if she was safe or loved.

I called and spoke with a social worker by the name of Kelley Clark. We spoke on the phone for about an hour and she told me all about Open-adoption. That I could choose the parents that were going to raise my child and that I could possibly even get to visit once the child was born. The amount of control they give you I think was very important to me. I decided to meet with Kelley and get more information in person. My first meeting with Kelley went really well and I found that I was very interested in the process of Open-Adoption. It sounded like something I would like to do for my child.

I started thinking about my life, and what I could offer as a parent and soon saw that it wasn't nearly as good as what I wanted for my baby. I was working full-time in a restaurant. It was a very stressful job in which I was not very happy. Working full-time I only made about eighteen grand which is slightly over the poverty line. I wanted to be able to give so much more to my child. Love don't pay the bills. But Oh God do I wish it were that easy. I'm 23 and I'm not married. That was another thing that I believed very important for a child to have. Two parents together, in love.

My first OB appointment was on September 20th. It was the first time I got to hear the babies heartbeat. What a sound it was!! I fell in love with my baby that day, and I have been smitten ever since. That sound is so amazing, it makes you know for certain that there is a little person growing inside of you. The first day I got to see her was on October 4th. I went for an ultrasound, and the nurse measured her and boy did she ever kick! She really didn't like the nurse poking around like that. Which was all very uncomfortable for me because for an ultrasound you have to have a full bladder!! Yikes! I really had to pee after that! Ha ha! I didn't want to know what the sex was and Julia was too busy kicking and squirming so the nurse couldn't get a good picture anyway.

I met with Kelley again on the 15th of October and we talked about choosing the parents. She brought files over the following Monday and we talked for about an hour but I was so anxious to get started looking I pretty well ignored her the whole time she was there. She caught on and left shortly there-after. I put on my favorite Sarah Brightman CD and went to work. I looked through about 18 couples, Jim and Louise were the last ones. To be honest, I knew that they would be Julia's future parents. I just knew. I read their " Dear Birth-mother" letter and knew! They were so honest and forthright and had similar interests and beliefs. They had a cat and loved music, both of which are important in my life as well. Louise was planning to be a stay-at-home mom which I thought was important especially in the early years. I fell in love with them, it is safe to say. Neill was being very supportive through this whole process and I took the files over to his place (at this time I had already moved in with my parents). I didn't tell him which couple I chose, because I wanted him to find out who he preferred first and then we could discuss it. No need for discussion because he chose them too!

I left my job at the end of October the day before my birthday(Oct. 26) because I wanted my birthday off. Working was becoming very diffcult as in a kitchen you have to stand a lot and work long hours. For the first time ever I fell asleep in a chair at work because I was sooo exhausted. I had an ideal pregnancy, no morning sickness or anything. I'm a lucky girl! On my birthday I went to Century Grill (my work) for a birthday dinner. It was excellent and the pastry chef made me a special birthday cheesecake (yummy) at my request. It was a wonderful day. My friends from work who were all working made a huge banner for me and everyone signed it and gave me their best wishes. It said, "We love you and miss you." It was the nicest gift anyone could've ever got me. My Aunt Lesley and Uncle Kevin came to the dinner as well as my mom, dad and brother. It was an excitng time.

Neill and I told Kelley right away which parents we wanted to meet. We met them for the first time on November 26th at the Adoption Options office. We were all very nervous, but quickly hit it off. We all had so many similar interests and beliefs it was almost scary. We exchanged e-mail addresses as they live in Calgary and us in Edmonton. It is easier to communicate via e-mail because I find it easier to say what I want to say by writing it. Louise and I instantly started e-mailing back and forth like crazy, getting to know each other better. I told her about all of my fears and she did the same. We truly have built a strong foundation of trust and honesty. And for that I am so grateful. We also talked on the phone a couple of times getting a little more personal than e-mail. It was all going so smoothly and I was so excited.

I went to prenatal classes in December with my Mom and she was my coach, for which I am also grateful. I was very interesting and kind of scary at times. We learned all about anything and everything that could happen. All the different types of anesthetic and what affects they have on you and the baby. It was very informative. I'm glad I did it. I think it helped me to realize that whatever happens, happens and that you shouldn't go in to the hospital expecting it to go a certain way.

We planned another meeting with Jim and Louise at my parents house on January 12th. And as it turned out she was born two days later. I am glad that my parents had got to meet them before we were all at the hospital because it might have been awkward. They looked at some photos of me when I was a kid. They also asked a lot of questions and talked to my parents about what kind of visitation they would like, it was great.

Well, I guess Julia was getting impatient so she decided to come on January 14th. I didn't sleep very well that night and I guess my water broke at about 11pm the day before, but I didn't know it because it wasn't like what they show you on TV. You know a big splash and everyone knows. What a dork I am! I woke up at about 4am with some pain, but I wasn't sure if it was false or not so I waited and started timing the contractions. They started becoming more painful and regularly closer together, so I woke up my mom and dad and said " I think we'd better go to the hospital." My mom was kind of flustered because its not everyday that you get woken up and your daughter is in labour.

We got to the hospital at about 6:30am and registered, finally got up to the ward at about 7am. The nurse didn't check my progress when I got there because I was told that my doc was already in the hospital and he would be up to check on me soon. HA! HA! What a crock! Three hours later, I was in a lot of pain. I could feel that my labour was progressing quickly. Still, no one would check me. They just figured it was my first baby and I was just being a big baby. My doctor finally showed up at about 10 after I was about ready to go out and threaten lives if someone didn't check me soon. And low and Behold I was 5-6 centimetres dialated." Whoa," he said. I asked him then if I could have an epidural. He said, "Well, we'd better do it now then because any later and it would be too late." I said, " GO FOR IT!!" They had just got it in at about 10:30-10:45. Which was so lucky because I felt her head move through my pelvis. I didn't hurt though, I could just feel the pressure. I will never as long as I live, that feeling. I was checked shortly thereafter and soon it was time to push. Man, that was hard!! Pushing was sooo hard! Very exhausting.

I did it!! At 11:34am on January 24th, a little girl was born. Her name is Julia Dawn. The sheer joy I felt at that moment is inexplicable. I cannot express in mere words the feelings and thoughts flying through my mind at that time. That was simply the most wonderful and amazing day of my life. I will never forget that raw emotion, gratitude. I was so proud to be blessed with such a wonderful gift, my Julia. I was so hungry after giving birth that I ate lunch right away. Of course, only after I had held my beautiful angel. She was so small and delicate, I was afraid I would break her. After lunch, the nurse moved me to a private room on the post-partem ward.

My mom and dad and Neill were all there with me throughout the whole experience, well the boys stepped out for the nitty gritty. I was so exhausted but yet so exhilarated at the same time. I couldn't stop looking at Julia. I was so amazed at this whole process. I got to give Julia her first bath. I wanted to do as much with her as I could during our hospital stay because I knew I wouldn't be taking her home. We took a tonne of pictures and I didn't even cry that night at all, I was just so happy looking at her beautiful little face. To be honest, I never knew what love was until I saw her.

Jim and Louise had called that night to say that they had arrived in Edmonton and wanted to know when I would like them to come up for a visit. We agreed that the next day in the morning would be good. My parents and Neill left at about 8:00 that night. I couldn't sleep. I kept looking at Julia. I had her room in with me because I didn't want to miss a second with her. Everytime I closed my eyes I would suddenly flash them back open again for fear that it was all just a dream. But when I opened them, there she was. Julia, the best thing I ever did. One of the nurses had taken her out of the room so I could get some sleep, but I didn't anyway because she wasn't there and it scared me. I loved how she watched me when I fed her. Such curiousity in her eyes, but she knew who I was. The sound of my voice could soothe her. My touch could console her if she was upset. Truly amazing. I kissed her face and told her that I loved her about everey two seconds. I just wanted her to know.

The next day we had a tonne of visitors. Jim and Louise came up at about 9am and my parents arrived shortly after that. Louise cried when she first saw Julia, and said that she was sooo beautiful, but I already knew that. Jim and Louise both held her and took pictures with me and my parents and Julia. Later on that day, since the nurses knew I was placing Julia for adoption they went through some things with Jim and Louise about how to change her diaper and other stuff like that. I started crying because I knew my time with Julia was coming to an end. It hurt so much to see the nurses talking to them right in front of me because I wished that I was the one who would be taking her home. I needed to see that though. I needed to see that the hard part was coming.

I didn't sleep that night either. I cried for most of the night, but I wanted to be happy about the time that I did have with Julia. I told myself to be strong and enjoy this special time because you don't get to do it over. Julia was pretty fussy that night but it didn't bother me in the least. I told her to let it all out. I didn't mind her crying on my shoulder. I finally found something that quieted her down quite a bit. It turns out she is a soother baby. She was always making her sucky face, but of course you can't feed her every ten minutes so I asked at the desk for a soother, and she loved it. I just watched her sleep. Such a precious gift. I lay down because my back was killing me, but I pulled her basinet right up close to my bed so I could touch her and watch her sleep. I also wrote a note to Jim and Louise that night. Giving them all my best wishes and saying all the things I knew I wouldn't be able to say the next day.

That day, we had planned to do an entrustment ceremony. I had a shower and then got Julia dressed in the outfit that Louise had brought up the day before. She looked very pretty. I was crying already because I had to sign the relinquishment form. I didn't bother with makeup because I knew there was no point. I was going to look stricken and upset anyway. The entrustment ceremony was beautiful. I am so glad I did it. Not a dry eye in the house. I had my parents and brother, my aunt Lesley and uncle Kevin also came to support me. It was a sad day, but also a happy day because Julia was going to have great parents and a wonderful life. I left with my folks and walked out of the hospital with no one in my arms.

The ten day revocation period, truly was hell on earth. I like to think of it as emotional bootcamp. I never knew what pain was until that time. I was struggling through it, but the last day was by far the hardest day of my life. I wanted her back so bad I could taste it in my mouth. I wanted to see her and touch her and hear her breathe. I cried so hard that day, that I broke a few blood vessels in my face.

At about 11:30 that night I got down on my knees and prayed to God to give me the strength and courage to make it through for Julia. I knew that if I had changed my mind it would only be so I could stop hurting so much. It would be so I didn't feel so all alone and sad. I could never do that to Julia. She means more to me than life itself and I could never take her away from her Mommy and Daddy.