My Tarot Reading
I was searching for a spiritual moment. I left the Art Institute inspired and restless, having viewed pieces of art that stirred up great desires and emotions inside of me. I walked outside to a beautiful, warm and breezy day, lit a cigarette and tried to figure out if I could find a miscellaneous church that would let me in and allow me to sit and contemplate what was happening inside of me--what was happening beyond the millions of thoughts my brain was processing. I needed to connect to the part of me that was processing emotions and feelings on a deeper level.
As I walked down the busy Chicago streets, I felt lost in the swarms of people. Not lost as in the sense of feeling alone, but lost in my own world. I felt somewhat disconnected and engrossed in my inner-comotion. I giggled at the fact that paintings created a century ago could conjur up deep emotions inside of me, and cause this need for a deeply spiritual moment. How could O'Keeffe or Chagall or Klee have any idea what kind of impact their work, displayed in a public museum, might have on a young woman so many years later?
I found my way to the L station and bought a ticket to ride further north into the city. I got off at Chicago, and decided to get some coffee at a little shop that had outdoor tables and chairs. I situated myself at one of them with a tall iced mocha, lit another cigarette, and began reading a book I had just bought that Tina had recommended to me. She had said that it addressed the questions we have inside of ourselves as to what our purpose on Earth is, and what a Soul might actually be and how that relates to our life. Having only read the first 30 pages, I could begin to see the way the author was answering those questions. I found it very intriguing.
Occasionally I looked up from my book and watched the people around me; young students passing by after classes at Loyola, tourists having conversations at their tables next to me, angry drivers charging through the street and honking, average people walking -forever walking - to and from places along the street. Almost immediately, I took note of a little shop across the street in between a White Hen Pantry and Subway, with a large, maroon awning with sprawling letters advertising tarot readings. In the single window at the front of the shop, there was also an advertisement for crystal ball readings. I don't see businesses related to extra-sensory abilities in Washington, Illinois, so it seemed oddly refreshing. Even if such places are incredible hoaxes, it was somewhat pleasant to see it across the street from me. It represented the diversity and culture of the city....Two things that made city life so strikingly different from small-town life.
Throughout the afternoon when I glanced up from my book, I always found myself peering over at the shop to see if there were any customers. There never were. Not once did someone open the door or even slow as they walked past. At one point, a young woman walked outside, propped the door open, and leaned against the store window and watched the city life around her. I desperately wanted to make eye contact with her because I felt this curious urge to be one of her customers, and I think I thought if we made some sort of eerie eye-contact, it would validate that urge.
When I finally finished my coffee and reached a safe place to stop in my book, I cleaned up my table and headed across the street. I knew it before I even made the decision in my mind--I was going to visit the tarot reader.
When I reached the store, I followed the directions of a sign on the door and rang a bell, waiting nervously for the woman to come and let me in. When she did, we said hello and she asked me warmly which service I wished for. I told her I wanted a tarot reading, so she lead me into a very small, dimly lit room and asked me to wait.
The room was only large enough for our two sofa chairs and a little table to our right. On the table, I saw a combination of candles and Christian iconography next to the stack of tarot cards. The wall to our right above the table was also covered in Christ and Virgin Mary portraits, which I couldn't help but be surprised about.
Suprina, my tarot reader, returned and asked me if I had ever had a reading done before while she shuffled the large, narrow cards. I said technically, no, but friends had tried to do it before. She nodded and placed the deck on the table.
I was asked to place my hand on the deck and make two wishes. I think I wished for two very general things, like peace and happiness or something like that. Then she spread the cards on the table and had me select 18. It seemed to take forever to select those 18 cards. I couldn't help but wonder what they were, and if there was some sort of revelation she received by how, or where, I selected them. I also wondered if she was watching me and forming some sort of general opinion of me to aid her in her reading. Did it matter that I was wearing fairly nice, trendy clothing? That I had a cellular phone buzzing in my purse? That I wore make-up and had my hair styled? Was she going to observe these things and use them to formulate her reading? I felt like I was one up on her, because I felt like the qualities she would observe at that moment had nothing to do with who I really was. I thought about how there was something deep inside of me crying out for her to know who I really was....To not provide her service as a form of entertainment, but as a form of communicating truth to me on a deeper level that would allow for answers to the questions I had.
I finished selecting my 18 cards.
She turned over the first three cards on the table and spoke of a long and healthy life ahead of me. I thought, Oh! Great! I was afraid I might get cancer when I was 32....
She pointed to the first card, a portrait of a young woman, and the third card, a portrait of a young man. She said I had feelings for someone. Was I in a relationship, she wondered? I said yes, in a mumbling, uncertain sort of way, and she pointed to the man. "You have a tremendous amount of chemistry and energy between this man, and you both feel it." Pointing to the middle card, covered in black, she continued, "But there is a lot of trouble between you. There are many obstacles and negativity."
My mind started racing....Obstacles, negativity, trouble. I felt something catch in the back of my throat. As general as she was being, she was hitting things dead-on. I wanted to cry because I felt so aware of everything that black card represented.
Suprina continued to flip sets of three cards and read them, speaking of my personal and financial life, relationships to others, and stress in my family right now. For every three cards she flipped, that feeling in my gut rose and fell, bringing tears to my eyes. She didn't really know what the hell she was talking about, or how right she was, but it was just the fact that someone was sitting there across from me, sketching out my life and pointing out my greatest fears and problems....It made me very emotional.
Three more cards flipped over and the middle card was of a man and woman. She told me she fore-saw myself and the man she spoke of earlier finally coming to some sort of agreement. She said we would make a pact of some sort, perhaps marriage. She said I had to be patient for this to happen. She kept stressing patience, patience, patience. I wanted to kick her. It was exactly impatience that brought me to her door.
She said I would have marriage, that there was only one marriage in my life-line, and that was enough for me to start crying all over again. I wondered how she could sit there and tell me that? Doesn't she know that my deepest fear is to not get married? To work and live and raise children alone? Doesn't she know that I was almost married and then my future mate changed his mind? Doesnt' she know that has left me scarred and deeply scared, at the same time all the more aware of how certain things in life are more important than others, and all I want is to experience those things, in their entirety? Infinitely?
She flipped three more cards and began speaking of how the past three years of my life I have experienced great pain, turmoil, and change. She said I am now at a place where those things are leaving, things are becoming better. And she emphasized that from here on out, she sees good things. She sees me as a strong person, and that good things are coming my way. The things I have been waiting for, and that I fear will not happen. She said I need to be patient again. I wanted to kick her again.
The last three cards she flipped lead her to speak of a spiritual wall I surround myself with. She said that the pains from my past, particularly the past three years, have lead me to build this wall, and that she felt tremendous sadness for me. She sensed deep anger and sadness in me, but she could not say from what. I had to fight to keep the tears from spilling down my cheeks.
She offered to enter a state of meditation to explore the spiritual wall I have and the source of it, but I declined having no more money to give her. I smiled and tried to be nice, and tried to explain that I just didn't have the money. I tried not to show her the part of my mind that was thinking, "Oh, so this is how you get people. You lead them to the water and don't let them drink unless they fork over a little more money." But I wasn't bitter. I was genuinely thankful.
Any given day, I am dying inside to feel validated for what I have gone through in the past two and half years. I want someone to look at what I experienced and how I felt, and feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for me, but also feel admiration because I have grown from it and perservered. I just want people to see me for all of me, and accept my hurt as much as my joy. I am tired of carrying it all myself. Suprina did that for me. For 30 minutes on a Tuesday afternoon, she did that for me.
