Paul
9:13 p.m. Kulp 301. Goshen, Indiana. Saturday, March 11, 2000.
I will never know unless I call. I will never know unless I just do it. But do I want to really do this?
In this process of over-analyzation, I know that I am secretly telling myelf I am still in control by not calling. By not taking a risk. If I don't call him, then there are no possibilities that my measly-minor feelings for him will be revealed. And if I don't call him, I am controlling whether or not I will be rejected. So if he were to say no, he can't if I don't call, right? Right! But I hate being a control freak. Why can't I just let go and live a little? So what if he says no? Then I will know. Just dial the numbers.
A rush of ambiguous energy pulses through my arms and fingers, and I dial the numbers. 7-3-3-1. And then the phone rings, and I have to keep my body and my mind within the momentum, and not think about what I am actually about to do. I can't believe people do this every day.
There's a hello, and it's him. I say who I am, and he asks how I'm doing. Unprepared for such a normal, casual question, I slip on the words but manage to say "pretty good," or something like that, without really thinking about it. I am just trying to get past the words to the sentences that I am really focusing on.
"Are you busy?"
"No, not really."
"I was wondering if you'd want to go get some coffee with me." There it is, I've said it, it's out. IT'S OUT OF MY SYSTEM.
"Um, okay, sure!" There's a positive answer hanging in the air aind I can't really pull it down and grasp it.
Then some muddled conversation takes place about me having a car, who will walk to who's room, good-byes, and so forth, and then the momentum drops like a dead weight to the bottom of a tank. I hit the talk button and drop the phone on the bed and the momentum drops so fast, my body can't process it. I realize I am shaking uncontrollably, from adrenaline I suppose, and I can't do anything about it. Does everyone shake like this when they ask someone out? It feels like I just took a deep and sharp drug and it's rocking my system. I can't even settle into some sort of happiness about my victory, because I feel so completely and utterly shocked. My hands are shaking and I can't believe I am about to go have coffee with him.
And I don't even drink coffee.
