Okay.
Today
who I am is
Fingers smeared with ink,
Hair like wheat, long and
touched by hot sun
soft and fragrant,
Eyes weary but bright
in a green-blue sea mist kind of way,
Breath hot
with the taste of vodka
and cigarettes,
Tired arms and legs
giving into
cells overcrammed or
undernourished,
Ideas of greatness,
Moments of desperate
questions,
(can i survive-
will my head explode the next
time i feel empty
and alone?)
Wondering
are there any more
bitter
blue or white pills
for me to try
(zoloft prozac
lorazepam xanax
flexal cyclobenzaprine)
and can they
quiet it all?
Fingers moving and caressing
ivory smooth piano keys,
A burst of sudden
laughter loudly
and everyone turns to look,
Stoned and the world is wondrous,
Eyes squeezed shut at
the sight of the animal lifeless
on the road as i am passing by,
Drawing lines,
Coloring boxes,
Tying thread,
Folding paper,
Afraid to marry,
Afraid to breathe,
Willing to see
what you feel like inside of me
Screaming for attention
Hiding from everything
Heart pounding red with paranoia
Disturbed that the walls around me
are different colors
Dreaming my death
Holding your hand
or fixing your hair
Knuckles paper scraped
Knees bruised brownly
Forearms scarred carefully
Crooked teeth
Paying bills
Using music
to cure my ills
Small toes
Big heart
Gently rocking the idea
of someone in my arms
Cursing God
Giving in
Black on my back
Aroused
Terrified
Talking just because
Oh, who i want to be
or who i was...
Still alive
and i don't know how
but Unashamed
for everything
that makes me who i am
right now.
