I have done what I had to do to survive in this life.  I am not proud of all of it, and still, I tend to make choices that seem to spurn more from survival skills, then from true listening to the heart. 

These past few months I have allowed myself to slip back into survival mode, and although there is no regret, I am still left empty inside.

I know you saw what was written.  I wanted you to.  It was my gutless  way of not being up front, because I couldn't.   Fear of losing over truth is excrutiating.  Losing over lies is even more devastating.  I have only made these decisions based on what was right for me.  How characteristically selfish.

I am learning that I no longer have to fight to survive, that I can relax, but it is not an easy task.

I am learning that loving is never fulfilling if the one that you love does not love you in return... (unless it's just unrecognizable because it's not the way I give love)

I love you in silence because I have not the guts to speak it, and I do not know why.

but I love you so much...

i cry
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