* Depressed *

Well…lately I have been really depressed; almost suicidal. I’m not sure why exactly, it could be from a number of reasons. One I am SICK OF BEING SINGLE. I am surrounded by couple, both my roommates have someone and I see them for the most part happy all the time, and it hurts me to see them happy with someone, and then here I am…alone. I know you are never really alone…but sometimes it feels like it. Then of course there is financial reasons. I have a car payment, car insurance, cell phone, credit card, and rent that I need to pay so I am busting my ass off at work for what? To get bitched at when I get home because of something stupid. Sometimes I honestly feel like my life isn’t worth the trouble. To be honest, the only thing I think that is keeping me sane is working at Universal, and I may soon have to give that up because of my financial situation. I can’t afford my car with the salary I am making, and with the money from the IRS constantly being delayed, I may have no choice but to give it back to Ford Motor Credit. I went to a roommates rehearsal today for a play she is in. I was going to get out of the house and to try to meet some new people, but it turned out to be a waste of my time. It’s almost as if I’ve almost lost all the thrill of the theatre that I once had. I’m not sure if it is because of high school or because of college, but what I once loved more than anything is now something I dread to go to. But once we left, I got home and sure enough, I get bitched at because I took out the garbage and forgot to put a trash bag in the trashcan. I know it takes 5 seconds to do, but I am tired of CONSTANTLY hearing about things that I didn’t do. Why should I get bitched at for the dishes if I didn’t use them? Why should it matter if I take my shoes off in the living room for a little bit when I know I will be going right back outside in a little bit? I LIVE ON MY OWN! I PAY MY SHARE OF THE BILLS! Then why is it that I feel like I am still living with my parents? Worse actually…when I was living with my parents, I was only obligated to pay $100 a month…now I pay around $700 in bills a month alone without food. I’m 19, and I don’t think I’ve ever lived a day in my life. Maybe it would be best if when I get the money to move away from Florida. Go far enough away where I can start my own life and do my own thing. I don’t know…maybe I need to find myself. I hear of all my friends from high school that have a life of their own. Either they are having kids of their own, in a 4 year college or community college, or at least making something of themselves. But what am I doing?? Sure I am taking one measly course at VCC, but so what? It’s a stupid remedial class that I could EASILY do in my sleep. And work; well that may be the ONLY thing I have. I have only been with Universal Studios for about 2 months and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Everyone there treats each other with respect, its fun, and easy. Checkers isn’t too bad. Sure I hate going sometimes, but I know that when I go I am amongst friends and I am good there. I am the best damn employee that store has right now. I know how to do a lot of the managers work and can do ANYTHING in the store. Shoot, if I really wanted to, I could become a manager there and make about $8.00 an hour. The only problem is I don’t know if I want that kind of responsibility. I don’t know….my life is just a spiraling circle downward. I try to look at the good in my life…but every day it gets worse and worse. There is one song that I have been listening to recently that describes my feelings right now, and that would be Simple Plan’s “Perfect” - (Nothings gunna change the things that you said and nothings gunna make this right again. Please don’t turn your back I can’t believe this is all just a talk to you but you don’t understand!)

~James