Title: What
If I Said
Author: Jessica Schipper (aka JB McCaye)
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating:
Classification: Harm/Mac (what else?)
Spoilers: None
Summary: LALALALALALA
Disclaimer: Don't own them, if I did then the show would already have Harm and Mac together... since I don't and DB and CBS do, we will just have to wait for them to get a clue. This is just for entertainment and no profit is being made. Gee, but sometimes I wish I was because those college bills are racking up.
AN: I would like to thank Anna for the lyrics to this song.
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
0235 ZULU (2135 EST)
There was a knock at the door. Harm did not move to get the door. He just sat there, the knock sounded again. "Come on, Harm, I know you are in there." The voice on the other side called.
He got up and pulled the door open "What?" he said almost angrily.
"Just thought that you could use a friend right now."
"Why? I just want to be alone."
"But you don't have to be."
"But that is what I want."
"I don't care," she pushed past him and walked into the apartment and sat on the couch. "I am going to be right here for you."
"Mac, go home." you could almost see the steam coming out of his ears.
"No, Harm. You need someone here for you whether you want it or not." she was getting mad at his continued refusal to accept her support.
"Fine, just don't say anything okay." he stormed off into the kitchen and she just sat there. Silently waiting for him to open up to her.
0346 ZULU (2246 EST)
Harm still had not said anything to his partner.
Talking about it would make it real.
He did not want to admit that someone that he cared about was no longer walking on this earth. He could no longer fly up and say hi to her, spend the weekend with her, give her a hug, listen to her voice telling how perfect his partner is for him.
He was sitting in a chair in his living room, across from Mac. Sometime in the last hour, he had put his head in his hands. He did not cry, he could not get up the energy to cry.
Mac sat there and watched him silently like he had asked of her. She noticed when his shoulders started to shake and she could begin to hear the muffled sounds coming from behind his hands. Before she knew what she was doing she was on the floor in front of him and pulled him into a hug.
At first he was stiff and unresponsive, but shortly he had wrapped his arms around her and was holding on like she was his lifeline. She started rocking back and forth and murmuring nothing like she was soothing a child. Which right now she was comforting the little boy who had lost his father, and now his grandmother.
"Sarah." he sobbed into her shirtfront. She was not sure which 'Sarah' he was calling for, nor did it matter.
After a long time the flow of his tears slowed and he began to come back to the present. "I'm sorry for that, Sarah."
"Hey what are friends for? If not to be cried on?" she asked with a half smile.
He smiled at her, only a shadow of his flyboy grin, but a smile none-the-less. "Mac, sometimes I forget that you are just a friend." he said seriously.
"Harm, I am more then a friend. I am your best friend; I am your partner. I will always be more then a friend. You know that you can bring any of your problems to be and I won't judge."
"I know." he answered. "I have been sitting here thinking. About a lot of things. Life in general. Things I have done in the past, things I never did, things I never said, especially to her. I never told her how much her support helped me while I was growing up. Never how much her hugs meant when I was healing both inside and outside from the wounds of my crash. There are so many things that I never said to her, but you want to know something I think she already knew all of it. That does not excuse me not telling her these things, but it does help just a little. The things I thought about most was what if I died tomorrow, would those around me know how I felt about them. Not everyone is perceptive as Gran." he smiled again.
She smiled in return, but said nothing.
"What would it be like to die and know that no one knew how you truly felt about them when you were living. Now I know that you would probably not feel anything much, but it gives you something to ponder when you are living, would they truly know me, how I felt."
Suddenly with a sudden change of speed and direction in his voice "Mac, would you know how I felt?"
"Sure, Harm. I know that you care for me and that I am your friend. I also know that there is no one that I would rather have watch my six than you."
"Seriously, Mac, would you?"
"I was being serious, Harm."
Getting a little frustrated with her and himself for not being able to convey the question and the feeling correctly. "Maybe this will help." he mumbled to himself as he walked over to the stereo and put in the item that would hopefully help his tongue be untied.
"We've been friends for a long long time
You tell me your secrets and I'll tell you mine
She's left you all alone
And you feel like no one cares
But I have never failed you
I've always been there"
As the words started she began to protest, he put his hand up "Just listen, Sarah."
"You tell your story
It sounds a bit like mine
It's the same old situation
It happens every time
Can't we see it oh maybe you and me
Is what's meant to be
Do we disagree
What if I told you what if I said that I love you
How would you feel what would you think
What would we do
Do we dare to cross that line between your heart
and mine
Or would I lose a friend or find a love that would
never end
What if I said
She doesn't love you, oh, it's plain to see
I can read between the lines of what you're
telling me
He doesn't hold you the way a woman should be held
How long can I go on keeping these feelings to
myself
What if I told you what if I said that I love you
How would you feel what would you think
What would we do
Do we dare to cross that line between your heart
and mine
Or would I lose a friend or find a love that would
never end
What if I said
Oh we've both had our share of loneliness
So whose to say that we can't have a little
happiness
And if I found that in you It would make my dreams
come true
Or would you walk away
Hear what I have to say
What if I told you what if I said that I love you
How would you feel what would you think
What would we do
Do we dare to cross that line between your heart
and mine
I've always wondered from the day we met
What if I said
What if I said
What if I said"
As the song faded into it's conclusion, Harm gathered up the nerve to look at her face. There was a strange look in her eyes somewhere between tears and a smile.
"Sarah, what if I said that I love you? That I have almost since the day we met in that Rose Garden."
She was speechless. Through the tears that were now coming down her face, "Oh, Harm, do you?"
"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't."
"Harm, I love you so much it hurts."
"I love you, Sarah MacKenzie." He said in return.
"I guess that means you have said it and now it is not a question, we know what would happen."
"What?"
"This." she said as she threw her arms around his neck and pulled his head down into a deep and passionate kiss.
Finis
Song: 'What If I Said,' a duet between Anita Cochrin and Steve Warner.