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| Tremor Tales page 34 |
| Contact Lens There were only three other guests At my friend's birthday celebration. Good, more would make me nervous And worsen my tremor. But, one by one, Ten more showed up. I hadn't wanted to drink, But changed my mind when this sent My tremor off the chart. I'd need to shrink Them with booze to avoid embarrassment. Yet, if I lifted a glass to my mouth Everyone would see it shaking. No! No! So I lied, "Don't anyone move about! My contact lens fell out!" And like so, They dropped down to search for it. While they looked on hands and knees For lens that did not exist, I gulped booze and got steady as could be. When they gave up, I rapidly blinked And cheered, "It's in the corner of my eye!" I then quickly served them drinks To keep their pique from going awry. I'd managed to solve my shaking crisis, But if there was a next time, I guranteed That the same trick would not go amiss; I bought contact lens for the next party. |
| Lottery Numbers I swore, No more lottery tickets! After this one. I did not want the store Clerk to know the numbers I picked So even with essential tremor In my hand, I scribbled them, messily, In the little boxes provided, Then slipped the ticket in the lottery Box and pocketed my copy. And dead I almost fell when on T V My name was called out as having won! The winning numbers were shown, clearly, And not one was mine, not one. My scribble had been misread. But as I Peered closely at the numbers on my copy I thought, by golly these kind of look like Those on T V. I'm filthy rich! Yes siree! I claimed my winnings, enriched by scribbles Over which it'd be silly to quibble. |
| Spaghetti Man! Got home late, had to run. Had to get to the costume competition. I grabbed a bowl of sauce-drenched shaghetti, Grabbed my Batman tights and hailed a taxi. "Mister! You're gettin' shaghetti on the seat!" The taxi driver said, his voice full of heat. "Sorry," I mumbled, my mouth full of food. "Can't steady my hands, I'll pay double, dude." Entered backstage in the theater Where the costume competition creator Hollered, "You're on!" Saw my reflection In a mirror and almost quit the competition. My hair was strewn with spaghetti and sauce, As was my face, shirt and jeans, tossed There by my shaking hands while I ate. Thereby, I'd sealed my costume fate. Onto the stage I boldly strode flinging Into the audience spaghetti strings. Once in the spotlight, I flexed my muscles And bellowed, "Look at me one and all! You see before you, Spaghetti Man!" Lively applause filled the auditorium, And I won the competition. |
| The Firefighter "Wrong arm, honey!," laughed my husband. I looked up to see that I had locked arms With a twenty something man most handsome. A uniform wearing firefighter. Charmed? Not him. He looked at me like I was nuts. I cringed at having grabbed his appendage To catch my balance, this tremoring klutz. "There's no fire, ma'am," he said like some sage. "Thank goodness!" I said. "But your uniform, Nevermind. Thanks for your comforting arm." I then rushed my husband out the cafe. When home, I told my daughter it was a way To charm her beau. Wish I'd known his job first. Firefighter. She said she grabbed his arm And purred, If around us fire burned, cursed With fear I'd not be, for there'd come no harm With a firefighter such as you. And mom, He said, Oh hon, not you too. At a cafe I was grabbed by a strange nutty woman. She, and now you, have me thinking this day No uniform, until I've my job to do. Thanks mom, now he thinks I'm nutty, too. |
| My Dear I sat to relax and WHAM, my tremors Began vibrating like an industrial Strength fruit juicer. "See?" I said. "See, my dear, it's real. I shake terribly after I exercise. It's what I told you would happen." "Oh so what, it'll shrink your thighs. You'll be happy when you're thin." "If you say so, my dear, hungry?" "You bet!" "What would you like for lunch?" "A mushroom, tomato and cheese omelet." Alright, my dear." "What, what is this gunk?!" "The omelet you asked for my dear." "Ugh, it's scrambled and has egg shells." "My shaking did that. Here, have a beer." "You're shaking it into foam swells! Okay, no workouts. Your weight is ideal." I exercise though, and while I get fit My dear cooks up delicious meals That make workout shakes well woth it. |
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| Jury Duty There I sat, head trembling like a leaf, In the midst of other jury members. And by the judge given grief For what he thought he could censure, My head shaking no-no. Fed up, I called out, "Hey, judge! I wouldn't be here at all If, when you were informed about My essential tremor, had not the gall To insist I be here, and I wouldn't be! My head shaking 'no' to everything put forth Does not, you should've learned, mean I disagree. Now how 'bout dismissing me from court?" Red in face and ready to explode, The judge shook his gavel at me And sputtered, "Out! Get out! Hit the road!" "Thankyou! I will!" I said. Suddenly, My head started shaking 'yes'. And his eyes Bulged from fierce incredulity. Both lawyers had to grab his thighs To halt his murderous charge after me. I learned later that this court distress Triggered in him head tremors, entrenched And twisting it yes-yes and no-no. A mess Of contradictions, he retired from the bench. |
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