The Pub Translator

1. YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME: We won't be here long enough to get another round.

2. I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU: Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.

3. HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?: I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

4. CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL?: (FEMALE) I'm easy. (MALE) I'm gay.

5. EVER TRY A BODY SHOT? (MALE TO FEMALE): I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

6. EVER TRY A BODY SHOT? (FEMALE TO MALE): If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

7. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME. (FEMALE): You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

8. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME. (MALE): I'm horny.

9. WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?: I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

10. EXCUSE ME. (MALE TO MALE): Get the hell out of the way.

11. EXCUSE ME. (MALE TO FEMALE): I am going to grope you now.

12. EXCUSE ME. (FEMALE TO MALE): Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.

13. EXCUSE ME. (FEMALE TO FEMALE): Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a whore. Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you bitch, like the slut you are.

14. WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP? What's cheap?

15. CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN? (MALE): I'm really gay.

16. CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN? (FEMALE): I'm really easy.

17. THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR: Did I sleep with him/her?

18. CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER? (FEMALE): I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

19. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME. (FEMALE): I'm 19.

20. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME. (MALE): I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.

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Lost At Sea

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

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The Irish Drinker

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe thatwill sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

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The Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!'

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The Drunk

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where's the bathroom at? The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away." The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says,

"No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket!!!"

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Homer's Beer Song - DO RE MI DRINK

DOUGH... the stuff that buys me beer
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer
ME...... the one who drinks the beer
FAR..... a long run to get beer
SO...... I'll have another beer
LA...... I'll have another beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer
And that will bring us back to DOUGH...

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The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.
Barmen.

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Beer Warning Labels

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you're invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think you can out drive Mario Andretti.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

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Reasons for Allowing Drinking At Work:

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

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THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage 1 -- Smart

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart".
Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.

Stage 2 -- Handsome/Pretty

This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth.  Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

Stage 3 -- Rich

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

Stage 4 -- Bulletproof

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.

Stage 5 -- Invisible

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.

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Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over their brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying that Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop."

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Why Drink Beer?

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

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Beer Facts

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts so in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hassled ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740, Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself.
 
When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

In the middle ages, "nunchion" was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the words "noon scheken", or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called lunch.
So if you ate bread with your nunchion, you had what we still today call a luncheon.
 
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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25 REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMAN

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer-stains wash out easily.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.
5. When a beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the can is still worth two cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right you always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easily.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel quilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know if you're the first one to open a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care what time you come home.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.

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Quotable Quotes

1.If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer it makes the beer shoot out of your nose - Jack Handy

2.It's better to have a beer in hand than gas in the tank. - D. Parker

3.Beer - It's just not for breakfast anymore- Dorothy Parker

4.Beer - Natures Laxative- Dorothy Parker

5.One More and I'll be under the host - Dorothy Parker

6.Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza - Dave Barry

7.The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drink behind- Humphrey Bogart.

8.Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine - David Moulton

9.A drink a day, keeps the shrink away - Edward Abbey.

10.People who drink "light" beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot - Capital Brewery WI.

11.Put it back in the horse!! - H. Allen Smith after his first American beer

12.On the seventh day He brewed beer. - Bill Bradshaw

13.Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't have the decency to thank her. - W.C. Fields

14.Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

15.The problem with jails is they have wrong type of bars in there.

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Signs That You Are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the 4th of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.

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THE 40 THINGS YOU'LL ONLY DO WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

1) Ask for extra-hot chili sauce on your Harry's Meat Pie.

2) Try and get off with your best mate's girlfriend.

3) Piss in your girlfriend's cupboard/out the window/anywhere except in the bathroom.

4) Give a running commentary, out loud, on anything you do, even though You're alone (eg, ah'm gonna go into the kitschen, ah'm gonna get myshelf A beer, an' ah'm gonna drink it... thatsh whad am'm gonna do... etc.)

5)Get a tattoo/try to tattoo yourself.

6) Use classy chat-up lines like: "You've got phemoninal... phemonim... Great tits. Can I shag you?"

7) Fall down open manholes.

8) Chuck up in the back of taxis.

9) Climb onto the roof of bus shelters - to get a better view of the stars.

10) Pull a moonie.

11) Think it's really funny to put all your female flatmate's underwear In the freezer compartment.

12) Make "punch" out of half a bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, and Some Strongbow.

13) Drink it.

14) Get thrown out of a nightclub for taking all your clothes off.

15) Sing.

16) Sing "Beers, beers, we want more beers, all the lads are cheerin', Get the fookin' beers in. Beers beers we want more beers"etc........to your Girlfriend's parents.

17) Dance as if you are John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. And bump intoThings. And break them. And not give a flying fuck about it.

18) Make yourself a delicious snack of English mustard on stale white bread.

19) Decide that the waste bin would look better on your head.

20) Fall asleep on the stairs, with your trousers around your ankles.

21) Decide to walk home, even though it's seven miles away.

22) Fall asleep in a bus shelter.

23) Fall asleep on the night bus and wake up at dawn, in the middle of nowhere, having had your shoes nicked.

24) Watch Seventies Hammer House of Horror films starring Patrick Mower.

25) And think they're good.

26) Fall asleep with a pint glass full of water on your chest, and only spill It when you wake up in the morning.

27) Steal bottles of milk from doorsteps.

28) Order the hottest curry on the menu.

29) Ring up every woman in your address book at 2am and say, "Hi, I was just thinking about you. Maybe we should meet up.  Now-ish..."

30) Attempt to shag any woman who shows a passing interest in you.

31) Get into a fight with a taxi driver.

32) Say, "You're my best mate, you are", to people you've just met.

33) Decide that you and your ex-girlfriend really should be together.

100) Join the French Foreign Legion.

35) Make a bonfire of photos of your ex-girlfriend.

36) Get really emotional, put on the most morose record in your collection and weep about nothing in particular.

37) Dig out you photo albums, get even more emotional, ring up old friends who've moved abroad and tell them they're your best mate ever.

38) Attempt to phone the Pope, the Queen, Bill Clinton, etc.

39) Take lots of drugs.

40) Make lots of inadvisable bets.

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THE 10 THINGS YOU THINK YOU CAN DO WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

1) Pull any woman in the room.

2) Beat any man in the room in a fight.

3) Do the Lambada.

4) Have a coherent, in-depth discussion about politics, the trouble with women, the England football manager, etc.

5) Stop dual-carriageway traffic just by holding your hand up.

6) Persuade 24-hour shop owners to sell you alcohol after 11pm.

7) Evade apprehension by officers of the law.

8) Fall down three flights of stairs without hurting yourself.

9) Do an impression of Riverdance on a narrow windows ledge five stories Above the street.

10) Find your house.

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A BEER DRINKER'S TROUBLESHOOTING MANUAL

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass empty

Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet

Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face

Action: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique!

Symptom: Feet cold and wet

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

Action: Turn glass other way so that *open* end points towards ceiling!

Symptom: Feet warm and wet

Fault: Improper bladder control

Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation!

Symptom: Floor blurred

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass

Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Floor swaying

Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar

Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt.

Symptom: Floor moving

Fault: You are being carried out.

Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips!

Fault: You have fallen over backwards

Action: If your glass is full -- and no one is standing on your drinking arm -- stay put and carry on. If not, get someone to help you up; attach self to bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts

Fault: You have fallen forwards

Action: See above

Symptom: Everything has gone dark

Fault: The pub is closed

Action: Panic!!!

Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your bedroom.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter

Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in!

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The Five Stages of Drinking

LEVEL 1:

It's 11:00 on a weeknight; you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 2:

It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."

LEVEL 3:

One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (Like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger.... and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 4:

Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen."
You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well.... as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.

LEVEL 5:

Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

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It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash, put the roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.  "Gudness, it is hot," she mused as she walked down Main street.  She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" Helga sat at the bar, and the bartender asked her what she would have. Helga said, "Ya know, it's so hot, I tink I'll haff myself a cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anhauser Busch?" Helga, surprised, replied, "Vell fine, tanks. Undt how's your pecker?"