The United States and the European Union, the world's two largest trading entities, are heading for a high-stakes showdown over a fruit that, for the most part, neither grows of exports.
Opponents of the Clinton administration's hawkish banana policy say a trans-Atlantic fruit feud will leave a battlefield littered with the corspses of innocent bystanders- from cheese lovers to industrial adhesive. (See, bananas are evil! They are trying to destroy the economy, what a horrible thing to do.)
In recent weeks, critics have warned of catastrophic consequences for groups as diverse as fur-bearing mammals and greek Americans. The fallout, various opponents have claimed include a surge in illegal drug trafficking and the destablization of fragile Caribbean democracies, not to metion the smuggling of vintage port wines and a rise in anti-Americanism among smalltown Swedes. (See how evil banana's are? They are going to cause people to hate America and turn to drugs. I told you they were evil.)
The doomsday rhetoric comes from individuals, companies and countries that stand to lose if the U.S. follows through on its threat to impose 100% tariffs next month on $520 million worth of European goods. The U.S. says that's how much the EU's restrictions on banana imports are costing the big U.S. banana distributors- Chiquita, Del Monte and Dole. (Don't say these names three times!)
Dozens of lobbyiysts and corporate executives showed up in Washington last month to testify at a public hearing about 42 products targeted for punitive duties. Hundreds of other companies appealed to U.S. Trade Representative Charlene Barshefsky in anguished letters.
The nation's cheese lobby, dismayed by proposed duties on crumbly, white feta, invoked the proud history of goat's milk cheese. (Cause you never know when you might want to ponder the history of cheese, particularly goat by-products. Sheesh!)
"Feta is one of mankind's oldest cheeses," testified the general counsel of the Cheese Importers Association of America. (The WHAT???) If tariffs are imposed, "The economic pain will be born almost entirely by an innocent group of ethnic Americans." Immigrants from Greece and other European and Middle Eastern countries eat feta "quite literally morning, noon and night," Richard Koby said.
Waterford Wedgwood, the maker of fine Irish crystal, appealed to the patriotism of the government panel that heard testimony. Panel members, the company said, should be aware that the Declaration of Independence was signed beneath a Waterford chandelier. (I love Waterford crystal, but I would think they could have hired better lawyers. What is this the chandelier defence?)
New York City wine merchant Michael Aaron warned that the U.S., by targeting port and Spanish sherry, was headed down the slippery slope from after-dinner drinks to fine wines. "The next time they decide to blackmail a nation they might use Beaujolais or Chianti, and then Bordeaux and Burgundy, 'etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera,' as Yul Brynner said in The King and I," he wrote. (Ok lots of stuff here. First of all, Europe is Not a "nation" it's several nation's, let's try and keep some basic geography her Micheal. Secondly, most people drink wines and sherry from California and Austraila, not Europe entirely. This tariff, I'm sure doesn't bother them one little bit. Third, what does The King and I have to do with wine? Can you see what's happening here? Banana's are so evil they are trying to draw attention away from themselves. See how Evil they are?)
The administration's critics say it has picked a lousy issue to go to war over. (No kidding! It took them seven years to figure this out?!) They say U.S. economic interests in the banana case are insignificant, confined mainly to powerful fruit distributors Chiquita, Dole and Del Monte. (That's the second time they said it!)
"Just the word 'bananas' usually brings a smile to people's faces," Barshefsky concedes. But she is deadly serious about the implications of the case, which she said could forever undermine the WTO. (Hello!! We're talking about banana's here! )
A war over bananas may sound absurd, "But it's more absurd that the EU has failed to comply with its international obligations," she says. (Of course, those obligations were what again? Supporting three major corporations instead of small rural farmers?) "If the EU doesn't comply, it's an invitation to every country to ride roughshod over our rights." (OK. First, It wouldn't have been an invitation to "ride roughshod over our rights," if they had just left the issue alone. Secondly, "riding roughshod" implies that in the long run it is worse for the nation doing it than it is for us, so why are we worried?)
The U.S. and EU have clashed before, notably in the so-called Pasta War of 1985, which began over citrus but resulted in higher duties on imported European noodles. (You mean noodles once cost $2, instead of the $1.75 I pay for them, how awful. How did people afford to eat pasta then?)
"Toys, dolls and festive articles clearly are not bananas," griped the Toy Manufacturers of America. (Not true, some toys are bananas, for instance those "Bananas in Pajamas" toys. *shudder* Never trust a banana, escpecially if it's wearing clothes.)
"Why not let the produce industry carry the load?" asked Hayward, Calif., wine merchant Paul Lessig. (What's he complaining for? This won't hurt his business, it may in fact help it. Stop griping and crush grapes.)
Barshefsky says the U.S. strategy is to retaliate in a way that does the least harm to domestic businesses and consumers while inflicting "maximum pain" on Europe. (Masochist) A hit list composed solely of fruit and related products wouldn't do the job, she says, so that means targeting a range of goods. (Why not just drop a nuclear bomb and be done with this silly war? Or is that too drastic?)
A prelinimary list put out in November singled out 42 categories of goods and brought howls of protest.
The Westlake, Ohio, city council said tariffs on imported sewing machines would imperil plans by a Swedish manufacturer to set up shop in their town. Sweden's trade minister angrily noted that the list also included wooden toys and cookies made in his country. He demanded to know how the USA "could possibly benefit in any way from creating unemployment in Osby, Tyreso or Husqvarna." (If we have to over tax one country why not the French? Nobody cares about them, but the Swedish? What did they do to deserve this kind of treatment? Those little Swedish fish candies are good, that should make them immune to this harsh war. After all, the Swedish are a neutral country.)
"While there are certainly U.S. designers that have solid reputations in the eyes of consumers, these companies are not even in the same league" as Italian fashion icons Armani, Valentino and Ungaro, said GFT USA, a U.S. importer. (Well, yes, a sweater from Sears isn't an Armani, but I bet that more people can afford to buy the sweater at Sears, and it will probably last longer to boot. So make those who pay for the name pay for the tax. Makes perfect sense to me, the only thing so far.)
"These cases always produce appocalyptic claims," shrugs Barshefsky, who says luxury goods are deliberately targeted because they aren't essntial. (So if you don't want to pay the tariff don't buy Armani, sound simple enough to me. If they were going to put a tariff on , say, milk, I'd be a bit more upset. Also, let's remember that we're talking about a fruit that costs about $.15 per fruit. See, bananas are evil!)
The California olive growers wanted to zap Spanish olives. The Tile Council of America asked for duties on European tile. (The Council of Whats? Who lets these people get names like this? But, at least they have got the idea that they can make money on the deal. The only groups so far.) The National Potato Council urged U.S. officials not to allow the EU to destroy the mutilateral trading system. (See what bananas have brought to the war? Now they are trying to destroy trade agreements.)
U.S. pork producers were especially indignant. They argued- successfully- that Barshefsky should slam European pork products. The industry's lobbyists vowed that domestic substitues would make U.S. consumers forget all about succulent Danish hams and Italian prosciutto. "We frankly feel we have the best hams in the world," boasted pork industry lawyer Nick Giordano. (Oh, all the horrible prok puns to be made here. No, I must resist the evil, must....not..make..bad..puns! Ok, I think I've orevcome the urge. Moving on.)
In the end, the hit list was whittled to 16 types of products. Model trains, port wine, fruit juices, fur, dolls, sewing machines, pens and wooden toys were spared. (Yeah! Score one for the good guys!)
Feta cheese was not so lucky. (Oh well, not a real big loss.Score one for the forces of evil. Bananas!)
The EU is calling on the US to face up to its economic responsiblities and forget this war. They claim that the US has taken up the call of three large businesses instead of upholding a free economy.
Also,
An un-named country (I think it's France) has decided that if the US does not repeal these taxes it will nolonger allow the Concord to land.