...I have tried diets, pills, exercise and therapy. Everyone finds their own combination for success, and I'm keen on good food and exercise choices still -- but the pills and restrictive diets only worked as long as I was willing to keep up with them. Phen-fen felt worse than street speed and the restrictive diets threw me into a battle of wills. I'm still young (25) and in pretty good shape. I have little mobility or health problems. I could even accept being 250 pounds for the rest of my life. But to be honest I don't see my weight going anywhere but up without serious intervention. So, I want to intervene while I'm at peak health, while I still have the chance for maximum success with the least invasive procedure. To be honest the malabsorbtive processes scare me, and I like the idea that this is a reversible procedure. The biggest thing I have to lose is a load of money and some rebound weight. The long term health risks seem very small. ...
...I've told DH, of course. I have to admit that he was a bit _too_ enthusiastic, but I think most of that is because he wants me to be happy. I told my mom and my grandmother. Both have watched me suffer with weight since a child and both were reservedly supportive. Since my major funding will come from them and my father, I'm glad that they are not angry. I haven't told my father yet because there's the rub -- he has found alot of success on the Zone diet (50 pounds off for 2 years) and generally is a health freak. While he HATES me being fat, we just had a big breakthrough about accepting me for who I am (fat or not) a few months ago, and I'm afraid of his reaction. He's big on will power and using our determination to achieve our goals. But I hope that he will accept and support my choice.
As for other people, I've been telling them with mixed results. There are a few folks at work who I trade diet-talk with, and they have been supportive. But I have alot of fat-acceptance friends who are taking this hard, which is fine. For me, it wasn't until I accepted myself as an imperfect being that I could come to this decision. For me it's part of the process, but I can see why they'd feel betrayed. I honor that, and drop the subject. Mostly they don't get mad at me and we move on. We know in our hearts that the same issues we carry around when we're fat, will be there even if we're thin. I still work for fat-acceptance -- better choice of clothes, less fear and misunderstanding, normalization of all sorts of shapes in society. But I also know in my heart that I don't want to be this fat forever, and I _really_ don't want to get heavier. I feel like I'm on a cycle that needs drastic intervention -- so this is probably it. When I describe it this way, most folks understand....
...Still trying to determine the best way to approach this. I guess it could be anxiety, like since I've not had success with other weight loss plans that if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right. As for the bulimia reference -- I guess I'm afraid that my body still remembers how to puke a little too easily and that the seriously restrictive diet might bring up all the binge/purge issues, except this time I wouldn't even have to stick my finger down my throat. I stopped actively purging 10-11 years ago, and I feel like a different person, but I want to cover all my bases. (Can you see the obsessive type-A side of me come out!? *lol*) I want this to work, _and_ I don't want lose the ground I've worked so hard to gain in the last few years.
I'll be off to visit family in Hawaii this week, then it'll be time for the Big Pitch to dad. I have to get all my points in order, since I'm sure that he'll quiz me quite a bit. I need to let him know that I've tried other avenes and that I can do this safely. *sigh* ...
...As for changing eating habits, I totally agree that it has to happen organically and naturally. When I force myself to count calories, fat grams or protein blocks I get a bit neurotic. I have found that making changes in the types of choices I make really help -- more veggies, less soda, less sugar, smaller portions -- are much more comfortable and life-affirming than sticking to some outrageous diet. I suppose this is the reason why even moderate plans like Zone are hard for me to follow -- mental aversion to it. But if I were to tell my father that, he'd just tell me to 'get over it' -- or at least that's what I'm afraid he'll say. Note to self: think of good comeback to this argument when getting ready to tell dad. *grin*
For me, I'm _so_ not doing this for my husband. I have been with Robert for *eek* 10 years, as of this fall, and while he does have issues with my weight, that's not the reason why I'm doing this. I'm doing this because _despite_ making decent food and exercise choices, I continue to gain weight. I feel like I have no portion control most of the time and that it takes alot to fill me up. My health is nearly perfect (just a sore back from these huge breasts, which I had even when I was skinny), but I'm afraid that if I continue to gain weight that as I get older, my health will suffer. I'm pretty comfortable at 250, but shudder to think of myself pushing 300 and feeling even more out of control. I want to nip this in the bud while I'm in prime health.
I think I started to get chubby to become invisible - -but it's gone too far and it's become too extreme. I am trying to prepare for these psychosexual issues to come up as I lose weight -- I'm not sure how I'll feel once I start attracting sexual attention again. But I'm finally at a place where I feel I can deal with those issues without freaking out. This is probably part of the reason why I've had checkered results with dieting -- I keep sabotaging myself. I'm hoping the band will force me to stop the sabotage and help me deal with these issues....
...Saw my dad for the first time since he lost 40 pounds on the Zone. He looked FAB! My goddess, he hadn't seemed that fit or trim as long as I can remember. I was so proud of him, but feeling that old pressure to follow in his footsteps -- what works for him should work for me. So, when I finally got the courage up to tell him about the surgery I was really surprised at how positive he was. I said, "Dad, I'm about to tell you about a decision I've made and I just want you to hear me out...." then I told him about the band and why I think it'll be an important tool for me (I eat and excerise decently, but no portion control). He said that he had read about the lap-band, and thought that it might be an important tool for me. He knew the risks were minimal, knew that it was adjustable/reversible and that it didn't inhibit absorbtion. He said he had observed my eating patterns, and said that they seemed Zone-friendly (40:30:30), but that I had no portion control. He also noticed that I was in good physical shape and had muscle tone, so I was obviously working out -- so he agreed that portion control was a major problem for me. He said that he'd be willing to contribute $2-3K, with my grandmother already pledging similar amount. I'll cash in my stock to help pay for my hubbie and kids to go down with me. I'm a little miffed that a man who can drop $10K for eBay stock won't help me more -- but I am a grown-up and I should be thankful for what he's giving me. We will be able to afford this, thank goddess.
So this is going to happen! I got support where I expected ridicule...
Well, I guess I shouldn't have jinxed it because the other shoe dropped this weekend.
Dad calls me up and says that after reading about the possible side-effects and whatnot, he has changed his mind and decided that he isn't going to give me financial support for this. He said that if I did the Zone (like him), I'd lose the weight and that if I did it his way, he'd give me a downpayment for a house. (aka, The Big Bribe)
This is what I expected in the first place, so I shouldn't be surprised, but I was so disappointed. Financially it isn't a big deal -- I'm a grown-up and can find money elsewhere. But emotionally, it was a big blow. I thought that he finally understood me and that we'd come to some peace about this. He really has taken my weight as a sign of his failure as a parent, which really isn't the case. He is big Willpower Person, and since he can do it..blah blah blah. The fact that I'm successful in every other aspect of my life, says to me that my weight issue isn't a matter of character, because if it was, I'd be an all-around failure.
I was emotional on the phone, but I eventually said, "This train is leaving the station. You can get on-board or stay on the platform." He said that we'll talk in a week. I responded that while I'm happy to discuss this further, I'm sure we'll get tired of repeating ourselves. I'm not sure what his motives are and I really don't care. The Big Bribe was incredibly insulting although I tried to tell him that I knew he meant well, no matter how rude it seemed to me. Motivation is not the problem, and if I can't do it for me, rewards will not help. Besides, I know he'll help with the house regardless, so it's a big bluff anyways. As I look back now, I see that this may be a blessing -- being financially beholden to him for weightloss just sets up a really bad dynamic. I value him too much as a dad and grandfather to my children to pollute it with money/weight conflicts.
I'm trying to remain positive about this...I'm really trying not to be discouraged and to see this as a step in the process, but it can be hard...
Fortunately, my grandmother is still behind me. However, she _really_ wants me to stay locally for many reasons -- quality of facilities, logistics and risks of schlepping the family to Mexico or France and real valid questions about long-term monitoring and care. Essentially, she really thinks I should consider Dr. Garcia in San Ramon. Has anyone here gotten their band from him?...
...I guess where I am now is that I'm going to do all the pre-op testing with Dr. Garcia. I'll call to schedule the tests this morning. I think talking with him will clarify many of my questions. At worst, I will chose to go to Dr. Frering or Rumbaut, but will already have my prelim tests done, thereby reducing expense on that side, and probably a day of total travel time...
...I'm meeting with Dr. Gracia's staff Oct 19th. We'll see how this goes. From folks who are in the FDA trials, how strict are they about the screening criteria? Most specfically I'm interested in the 'documented failure in 3 medically superivised diets' -- I've failed many times but only once could be considered a medical try --phen-fen.
Right now I'm in the full-disclosure state. I know some people keep this private, but I've chosen to come out of the 'WLS-closet' about this and tell anyone who I love about my plans. The biggest conflict I'm getting are from my college chums. We all went to an ultra-feminist women's college (Mills, in Oakland, CA) where this would be looked down upon. But feminism is about making personal and informed choices, so I'm slowly getting them to understand while this isn't a choice they'd make that it's something that might be appropriate for me. This is also confounded that most of them are also overweight, so maybe taking this personally.
An amazing thought came up when discussing this with an old chum who I don't see often. She said that I'm 'normal' weight. But what she mostly remember is me at 160-180 pounds, which to the BMI chart is normal-high for my body. But since freshman year of college (92) I've gained *90* pounds!! Once I actually wrote that down and grasped it's importance, it's really clear I've been on a downhill slide and I'm even more resolved to nip this in the bud before it gets completely out of hand. *sigh*....
I think part of our reshaping our lifestyle post-op is making peace with exercise and find ways to make it work for us as individuals. Thin folks also need to exercise regularly, so I don't see the pressure to exercise as a fat-only thing. Sadly most of us have forgotten how to enjoy movement since it long ago became part of some rigorous and ultimately failing diet plan. We stopped running or riding our bike out of joy (like children) and started getting on treadmills and stationary bikes because every precious sweat-soaked minute was supposed to bring us that much close to thinness. It became a drag when we failed, much like the endless carrot sticks and glasses of water one has to endure when dieting.
I guess the trick is to find a way to drop all the negative associations surrounding exercising and finding something that works for you. The first thing I recommend to women in my healthymoms group is to start doing stealth exercise -- take the stairs, park at the back of the parking lot, lift your kids more often. You'd be amazed at how many overweight people have found this the first step in making peace with exercise. And the first inklings of conditioning you get from this added activity makes it easier to start a 'real' exercise plan...
My feeling is this -- I was pathologically endowed even when I was anorexic -- 36DD when I was 15 and 110 pounds. I've lost weight before and *never* has any come off my breasts. But still I can imagine that they might change shape or sag more after losing weight, so I see the reason to wait. I guess I'm just really anxious to get all the bodymorphing done with. I'm tired of having big boobs (it's more emotionally scaring than being fat), I'm tired of being fat when I know that with this little bit of help I'll probably get to the weight I've been dreaming about.
It's not like my whole life centers around achieving some ideal body, but after being so fat and so big-breasted for so long, I want to feel normal again, even if it's through artificial means. I want to be able to run 10Ks like I used to, I want to wear button-down tops without stressing the buttons, I want to wear a bathing suit without shorts. I imagine the tummy tuck will be necessary at some point too, esp after having 2 kids, but I can wait a few years for that -- girdles can be a gal's best friend, if not in appearance then in support and back pains. (This, coming from the bra-burning, non-shaving radical is deliciously ironic!)...
While I'll miss the occassional large meal after banding, what's becoming my bugaboo is stress eating. Nothing like a piece of chocolate to relax the nervous system, leave a good taste on your lips and give you a little (yet temporary) energy boost. I reckon it's alot like cigarettes are for other folks, it calms them down, picks them up and leaves themselves feeling satisfied. So, when they quit, they have to find another tension release. That's where I'm at right now -- how to I find something to replace that instant nurturing feeling that I get with good food? I don't have the answer yet. Last week was so stressful I found myself with clenched jaws and grinding teeth, even after stress eating! It was a particularly tough week though, so I'm just going with it...
observation: yesterday I was on the bus and this maxi-sized man got on board. The guy was 450+ if he was a pound and it looked like it was a literal struggle to get up the stairs. Poor guy took up 2 seats and still was in the aisle. Stomach to the knees -- the whole job. I was SO sad for him. I didn't feel disgust but just utter sadness. While I'm actually rather into fat-acceptance and the idea that you can be healthy and fat, it was clear that this guy was literally and figuratively carrying a huge burden. I thought, "For the grace of G-d go I..." If it's kinda hard for me to move when I'm 252 and a BMI of 37, what was it like for this guy?
I gave him a warm smile and tried to make him feel a little less embarassed. OTOH, it makes me wonder why they don't consider some sort of WLS. I understand the risks involved and I don't think that 'regular fat' people necessarily should make this choice because it can be difficult. But looking at a cost/benefit analysis it just seemed like his life couldn't get much harder as it is. Maybe I'm projecting too much of my own stuff onto this stranger, I dunno. I guess I get antsy because my hips spread a few inches into the next seat on most public transportation vehicles, and I could identify on some level.
this kind of goes to the next issue, which I'd like some advice on... One of my very best friends annouced to me last night that she's starting a serious diet again. She is 5'6" and probably right around 300 pounds and in her mid 30s. She was a real thin teenager but has consistently put on weight since her 20s despite every diet in the book. She's been supportive of me getting the band and has heard the whole saga. I gently asked what she planned to do, and she isn't sure. She's just getting the physical next week and will consult with the doctor -- she's doing this in preparation for getting pregnant. I suggested that if she wants to know more about lap-bands then she could ask me. She was somewhat positive/polite but non-committal.
I really don't want to push anything on to her, but I don't want to see her fail either. And maybe there is a part of me that doesn't want her to succeed without the same kind of interventions I need. She's literally done everything, but after weight losses, just yo-yo's back up again. I considered sending her the link for the Bandsters homepage just as an FYI, but I don't want to be pushy. I guess I'd also love to have her as a band-buddy, but that's selfish. Any advice on how you've dealt with overweight friends who want to lose weight, vis a vis the band? I'm being very 'take your own path' deal, but it's hard for me to not forcfully push my side of things...
As for eating small amounts of excellent food -- I like to think that after having the band that I'll adopt a more French way of eating -- small portions of excellent food once or twice a day. Right now I _have_ to eat something right when I wake up or I literally feel ill. I can usually hold out until lunch, but then I often eat very large portions. An afternoon snack is almost compulsory and then a light-ish dinner. I'm hoping for a protein smoothie for breakfast, a cup of soup or salad for lunch and a small-but-tasty dinner. I mean, isn't that kind of how those damned Slim-fast commercials tell us to lose weight. The problem is that I could drink 3 of those shakes for breakfast, eat a bar before lunch, and _then_ go on with my day. *lol*....
I'm willing to make more drastic measures in order to fully exploit the post-op window of opportunity. This means sticking to the book 90% of the time with a protein balanced plan with small portions. See, I already make healthy choices 80% of the time (Zonish eating), exercise regularly and act and behave like a 'normal' healthy person except for one fatal flaw -- portion control. (This is why the band appeals to me.) Sure, eating a chicken breast, steamed veggies and a small slice of cheesecake is in the Zone, but I eat 2-4x the recommended portions! My problem isn't with food _choice_ it's with the amount of food that I do eat. It's phenominal how much it can take to fill me up and how quickly my stomach seems to empty. It's a constant struggle. I do fight the chocolate cravings and whatnot, but I eat far less of it than many thin people I know.
I really hope that the weight loss won't affect our marriage poorly. He says it won't be a problem, but I can see all sorts of pitfalls everywhere. If he's too excited about my weight loss, I'll feel betrayed. If he seems to be sabotaging me then there is the whole power-dynamic to deal with. Hopefully he'll just be supportive enough to keep me happy and stable. After so many years together I hope he's learned how to walk the tightrope of my weighty emotions..
I met with Dr. Gracia yesterday and I feel very confident and secure under his care. He has great bedside manner and seemed to agree with my perspectives on nutrition and the purpose of the band. Debbie, his coordinator, was also a doll.
[The nutritionist] calculated my official BMI, which ended up being 37.5, just as I have been stating all along. But there was a mild shock -- I'm 5'7.5", not the 5'8"-5'10" I usually state. I'm short! *grin* I'm also considered 'medium frame' because I can touch my index finger to my thumb But I measured at 254, right within that 250-255 range I've been sticking at for the last 6 weeks, which was good. She also used this little infared gizmo on my left bicep to measure how much fat vs. muscle there was, and I must be a bit more muscular than I thought, because after all the measurements I ended up at 37.5, whereas with the standard weight/height only calculator with my shorter height, I would have been closer to 40.
She showed me 3 tiny medicine cups and said that was the total post-op 'diet' for the first 24 hours, but that I'll probably not be interested in much else. She then said they strictly recommend 4 weeks of liquids/soft solids post-op, which is just fine. She also analyzed a regular day's intake for me, and she was only concerned for my penchant for chocolate milk (which I keep in Zone-friendly range) -- but otherwise I should be just fine with the band. I asked her about hair loss, and she said that as long as patients keep to at least 40 grams of protein, it shouldn't be an issue. Should be doable.
Debbie, the Bariatric Coordiator, is a wonderfully sweet lady. She started to go through her standard presentation about the three different surgeries they offer -- stapling, lap-band and RNY gastric bypass. I told her to save her breath, since I was only interested in the band. She grinned and said, "Great!", but then Dr. Gracia rushed in on his way to surgery. He is such a great doctor -- very friendly, informative and supportive.
Even though he was rushed, he took plenty of time to explain all the details of the procedure and answer my questions. He also is very willing to help me with the FAQ I'm writing, which was great. He did a brief physical examination and said that I have 'perfect anatomy' for this procedure and I have upwards of 98% chance of keeping this a laparoscopic procedure. He also said that I'm a prime candidate for the band and thinks with moderate food choice awareness and regular exercise I have the potential to 'go as far as I want' with the weight loss, even to 130 or below, if I was so motivated. I replied that I just want to see where it'll take me and that we'll cross that bridge when we get there. There is a fine line between setting goals and setting yourself up for unrealistic expectations. But it was still nice to hear that he thought I had that potential.
He also said that my tiny hernia will not be a hinderance to the lap procedure and that he can repair it at the same time. However, he said that I may want to wait until my weight stabilizes, since he can probably do a better job of repairing it with less scaring once I was thinner. But once I explained that the hernia operation is what will make the band surgery finanically possible, he said that it was fine -- my choice. Finally, I asked about schedules for fills -- at 3 months they will put in up to 3cc, depending on individual reaction. But they have to be strict about the 3 months because it's part of the FDA protocol. Debbie said to expect to lose some weight while on the liquid phase, and for some plateauing until the first fill, although there will still be some more constriction even when the band is empty.
Oh -- I got to hold a lap-band in my hands, which was really cool. It's smaller than I first expected. We then went down the street to the therapist's office for the psych evaluation -- the MMPI. Is this a standard test for all WLS and lap-banders, or is it an FDA-only requirement? I've taken it before, the 600 true/false questions from hell test -- it took over an hour to complete and made my head hurt by the end. After that, the therapist (Maria LaQuesta) did the evaluation. Nothing too revealing there, just the standard stuff -- when did you first gain weight, do you stress eat, yada yada yada.
So, the Bariatrics Team meets on Friday and I my case should be evaluated at that time. Once I'm accepted as a candidate, then it's just a matter of getting the insurance and financing. Once that comes through, then they can set a date, for about 2 weeks later. Since the hernia approval should be very clear-cut, I'm hoping for approval by the end of October, and a mid-November date.
This is so exciting and I can't wait until I get that call on Friday saying that we can go ahead with getting the insurance process underway. Rob has been really supportive, which is great. I think he's finally coming to realize that this might actually happen and that I'll need his help to be successful. No more soda in the house (thank Goddess), which he _says_ won't be a problem. Let's see what happens when he goes into withdrawls.
Thanks again to everyone who has supported me along the way. I've had a lot of time to think about this and watch other post-ops go through their ups and downs, and I'm even more convinced than ever that this is the right choice for me. At this point I just want to get going. I'm tired of waiting, although it certainly has taught me patience and helped keep my expectations realistic.
Several of my fat-girl friends are supportive, while others are downright hostile. One is supportive and may consider banding after having her baby. (She's lost 8 pounds on WW recently, so she's feeling like she won't need it, but I bet she'll yo-yo, like she has before.) Others are militant acceptance folks who think that I'm out of my head and that my choice is 'offensive and ill-educated' -- but this shows their own insecurities and misinformation more than anything else.
It's really amazing to see how people react to this. ...I love them dearly and we have many other things in common, but I'm worried that their resentment will be too much. I'll play it by ear -- if they make loads of nasty comments, I bet they will slip farther from my life.
So here's the latest....and yes, it does eventually relate to bandster-type issues. Mum couldn't have the biospy yesterday as there seems to be some damage to the tonsils (perhaps spreading of cancer), so she'll have it done today under general anesthesia. The oncologist suspects by the shape and size of the tumor (as seen by CAT-scan) that it is indeed malignant. While we need the biospy to confirm this, the main question now seems to be whether it is Hodgkins or the more serious non-Hodgkins lymphoma. The doctor is trying hard not to put a solid prognosis on this case, but generally speaking she could have anywhere from 6 months to 10 years. It's just impossible to tell without getting the biospy first and then seeing how she responds to medication, radiation and chemo. She's only 45 years old.
I know that weight is a big issue in health -- namely heart disease, but also cancer -- and I feel even more positive about my choice to get banded.. (C'mon, hurry up already, I'm saying to myself!) But I guess, _for me_, I feel there is more to it than just weight. It is possible to be skinny and sick, just as it is possible to fat and fit. I know that weight loss (via the band) is just one step in leading a healthy life. I also need to regularly work out (something that I've been failing at over these last few weeks), make good food choices (if that's called dieting, then I guess I just don't 'get' it) and live a honest and forthright life.
Most textbook definitions of feminism, from Gloria Steinem downwards says that feminisim is about women having the choice to make decisions for themselves. Self-determination. The rub is when your 'choices' don't fit their idea of what is proper or empowered.This is related to bandster stuff -- since this is the same argument I'm having with them now about the band.
Essentially, it's my _choice_ to have this done. They like to think that my motivation is to fit into some Beauty Myth, but it's actually health. The fact that my opinion differs from theirs is what is threatening. *sigh* It's amazing -- I have some really radical friends who support me, and other who don't. I think it has much more to do with their own security and self-esteem than some ideological objections.
Still haven't heard anything from Dr. G's office. I called the Bariatric Coordinator (Debbie), and she didn't have a status on my claim. I need to call the business office, so I will do it today. Rob is now working a more sane schedule and making better wages, but it'll take a while to see the full effect of them.
And finally, more mum stuff -- her oncologist ordered a scan of her chest after he gave her lymph node CT a better look. He's afraid the cancer may have spread into the chest, and if that's so, it's clearly terminal with few treatment options. So, mum is on pins and needles awaiting the results of the CT -- she should be getting them today.
Needless to say, if it is terminal, my life is going to go completely topsy-turvy and I'm not sure where it puts me with the band. On one hand, I'd like a little internal mechanism keeping from gaining another 40 stress pounds, on the other, I'm not sure I'll be able to give the band all my attention and I worry about not working it properly. Perhaps this is all a bunch of useless worry, but it's finally starting to hit home that it's very possible that mum could die within a year. *big sigh* I guess I have to modify my approach and go from 'one day at a time' to 'one hour at a time' and see where this takes me....
I do wish I had the band because it would be a failstop on stress eating. However, given the circumstances, it has taught me how to deal with stress other ways. I'm not stress eating too much right now, and am actually facing some of my emotions for once. I'd like to have the band because some weight loss would be a welcomed gift, but I'm not gaining, which is a miracle in itself.
Mum's scan came out negative, thank the powers! She's in surgery as we speak for the lump and should be out in an hour or so. Then she'll spend 5 days in the hospital and then back home.
If I hear one more person commend me for staying in the States because it's the 'best healthcare in the world' (talk about self-important patriotic drivel) I think I'll scream! Not that the American doctors are bad, but somewhere I think cost and quick follow-through have to be accounted for as well. Day 5 of playing phone tag with Debbie at Dr. G's office and it's getting old. I certainly hope I don't sound rude in my messages, but it's hard to keep the patient voice on.
I briefly considering going to Oz for the surgery, as I have relatives I can stay with outside of Sydney (Lithgow), but one look at airfares popped that bubble. I've decided that if nothing seems resolved by the time I get my tax refund back, I'm exploring foreign options in either France or Mexico again. At this point what good is family help if the doctor isn't doing much? I really like Dr. Gracia, don't get me wrong. Everyone there was absolutely lovely and charming. But I have to admit that I get increasing tired of hearing all these lovely stories of people getting their bands done while I'm waiting with my proverbial thumb up my.... I need to rededicate myself to the FAQ whilst waiting. Hearing these figures again from other doctors reaffirms my initial disgust with what seems price gouging and interminable waits here in the US.
I HAVE A SURGERY DATE!
Got the word from Debbie this afternoon -- December 8th! I have a pre-op day on 11/29 for tests and whatnot... Now we're just trying to figure out the final pricetag. United is paying 100% for the hernia op -- anesthesia, some pre-op tests, OR fees, surgeon fees. I will have to pay for the band ($6,000 -- such inflation, pun intended!), the assistant surgeon fee and the 1-2 nights in the hospital. Sounds like we'll be fronting for about $10K (what it'd cost for me to go down south), half paid up front.
Life is *GOOD* today. What a loverly Christmas present. Praise Goddess....
Perhaps this is another sign the tide is turning for me. Money situations are ironed out, homelife is improving and I'm going to persue some technical certifications (A+ Macintosh, for techies who care) within the next few months.
As for me: getting giddy and excited. Will hear the final breakdown of fees today from Debbie -- hooray.
I'm also a little stressed out about my marriage. DH seems to be getting depressed and taking it out on the rest of us. Cranky and crabby with the kids, sullen with me and not too interested in marital relations. Not sure what to chalk this up to (money, stress, banding, other), but of course he denies that he's having a problem. (typical men!) I'm just afraid that this will deteriorate, esp with him handling both kids for the 3 days I'm in surgery.
I'm also finding myself becoming a supreme nag about all the mundane details that we have to deal with in our lives. I hate nagging, but his obstinate refusal or 'forgetting about' doing his share is pushing me to it. Of course, I sound like a shrew, and then he withdrawls farther. I'm seriously considering spiking his food with antidepressants -- drat those ethical and legal concerns! -- because he's being such a pain in the ass. But any time I bring this up, he gets either withdrawn or angry -- and it isn't pretty in front of the kids. *argh*
I do worry about him and the kids, esp the baby. Aidan still nurses and sleeps with me at night, so I think he'll be rudely awakened to find no breast or momma to cuddle all night. I admit that I may have a hard time sleeping in that hospital bed without him there with me. It's one of those issues new moms have to face if they get banded. The idea of being apart from my kids for that long drives me insane with anxiety. I made Rob promise to bring them to visit every day that I'm in.
This is why I'm really sad that mum can't be here -- she was a blessing when Aidan was born. She reassured Liam and became his special buddy -- keeping him secure and happy during the transition. Hopefully Liam won't think that I'm bringing anothr baby home from the hospital, although I do look several months pregnant as it now stands. *grin*
It seems that there is a whole ritual (for lack of a better word) that I have to go through pre-op.
1. 2 showers a day for 2 weeks pre-op, with antibacterial soap -- to reduce the flora on the skin. I've _never_ heard this before! It's not a big deal, although with how crazy things are at my house, 2 showers a day can be tough. But since I'm starting a 2 week pre-op exercise regime, I'll take one of those showers at the gym.
2. Brush your teeth 2-3 times a day, floss daily. Evidently dehydration and anesthesia, associated with the operation, can wreck havoc on your mouth. I pretty much do this anyways, but it seemed odd.
3. Clear liquids for 48 hours pre-op. Jello, popsicles, broth, apple juice -- and that's it. Seems they want the entire GI tract clear. I've always heard 24 hours of clear liquids. This I _will_ have a hard time with. They put me on clear liquids the night before I was induced with #2, and made me stay on them until 3 hours after delivery. Now labor is hard work, and I literally got hungry between contractions, and ended up feeling weak before I even got to the pushing stage, and I think it was because of the lack of food. *2 DAYS* on clear liquids? *sigh* We'll see about that!
4. No liquids whatsoever midnight before the operation -- maybe a few ice chips to keep the mouth moist.
I had my ultrasound and swallow today. First things first -- they found a gallstone, so that means my gallbladder will probably be removed at the same time. (Humm, wonder if there is an added insurance claim angle with this!?) It doesn't hurt now, but since the serious weight loss caused by the band puts stress on the gallbladder, it's probably best just to remove it now.*shrug* I'm not sure what the long-term effect of being gallbladderless is, but from what I remember reading, no big whoop.
As for the barium, one word: *BLURF*! That stuff is gross. Interestingly, it wasn't too bad at first -- like really bad, bland, chalky Mylanta. But after a few sips, it started to get retchingly foul. By the time the actual swallow was recorded (after the inital shots of the stomach), and I had to quickly sip the stuff through a straw I literally sputtered it out of my mouth. It got all in my hair, which was gnarly-gross and the radiologist seemed unpleased. But I got through it in one piece. Was kinda cool to watch it go down my throat like a raft on a waterslide, though...
I think Oprah has fallen into the VERY common trap of assigning
alot of psychological crap to her weight. I'm not saying there isn't a psychological
component, but I've been down this road too. Blame abuse, bad childhood, failed
relationships etc for the fat. In reality, the fat is caused by many different
factors: genetics; learned habits; activity levels; peer relations (fat friends
who enable us to engage in fat-causing behaviors); and psychological problems.
Oprah is a great woman, very self-actualized and successful. She has all the
resources of the world available to her and yet she STILL stuggles with her
weight. She is not lazy, insecure or
She's probably genetically programmed to be fat, and the more she beats herself up over it, the more she emotionally charges her own normal eating behavior. The more she gets worked up about her fat, the more it DOES become a psychological issue. Been there, done that. If she wants to be thinner, it's clear that something has to change for the rest of her life. No amount of tasty recipes by Rosie, fat-cops or personal trainers have done it for her so far. Surgery is the ONLY long-term effective weight-loss treatment. It does come with side effects that some people are not willing to deal with. That's fine, but make your choice! Struggle with diets, accept being fat or deal with the side-effects of surgery and lose weight. There is no one *right* way to do it.
Also the very cynical side of me says that Oprah has alot to gain by remaining fat. Her ratings are always higher when she's fat, mainly because she seems like 'one of us' with whom we can relate. Thin Oprah has always has the aura of perfection and superiority that I personally found intolerable. Maybe it's because she always made her weight loss to seem like some moral victory over her demons and that if we fat schlubs just got enlightened like her, then we'd lose the weight too. Also, she gets alot more attention by publically talking about her weight, and if she were to permanently solve it through WLS, then it'd be a non-issue. Rosanne looks GREAT now, and her weight has ceased to be an issue.
I like Oprah alot, and respect her. I just wish she'd get off her high-horse a bit. *grin*