Wasted Time
Scully stood to the side as her mother slowly opened the door to the
apartment. The smells of lasagna wafted from the kitchen
and hit her
dulled senses.
"I stopped by on my way to the hospital and popped it into the oven."
said
her mother. "I had it in the freezer but it always tastes better the
second
time around, I think."
Maggie led her daughter into the living room and then took her small
suitcase and set it in Dana's bedroom. When she returned she
found Dana
sitting on the couch still looking shell-shocked.
"Honey, don't worry. They'll find him. Assistant Director
Skinner promised
me they would leave no stone unturned. And I know Fox.
He will find a way
back to you. He always has, hasn't he?" Maggie tried
to make her voice
sound hopeful but she was so confused about what had happened to Fox
that it
wasn't easy.
"Mom, I ..." Dana looked into her mom's earnest eyes and burst into
tears.
She had not told her mother about the pregnancy yet. She didn't
know when
would be the best time. All that had happened in the last 48
hours was just
a jumble.
"Dana, we can't give up hope. Fox wouldn't let you. He never
gave up hope
on you, did he? Even after your abduction. He was the one who
wouldn't give
up on you. And we won't give up on him. We must be strong for
him. Now
that he has you, he has someone who really believes in him.
He has so much
in his future... you... the baby."
Scully gasped and stared at her mother.
Maggie smiled a knowing smile. "Sweetheart, I know you're
pregnant with
Fox's child. I am so happy for you, for both of you!" She
gave Dana a hug
and hoped her strength would rub off.
"Mom, how did you know? I only just found out myself."
"Mothers can sense these things, dear. Call it intuition, mother
radar,
whatever."
"Sounds like an X File, Mom." Dana said with a bittersweet smile.
"Mulder
would love to hear that one."
"You can tell him when he gets back. Now I want you to eat a little
bit and
then rest. I'll stay tonight."
Dana gave her mom another hug and got up to change her clothes and clean
up
a bit. When she looked in the bathroom mirror she saw how worn
out she
looked. There were gray circles under her eyes and she was pale.
No "rosy
glow" that people say comes with pregnancy. Her sadness over
Mulder's
disappearance overshadowed everything.
Scully picked at the lasagna and a small salad. She and Maggie
tried to
talk about other things. Maggie gave her an update on her nephew
Matthew's
antics and a little gossip about things in the neighborhood but she
could
see that Dana was not even focusing. Finally she gave up and
they ate their
meal in silence.
"I think I'm going to lie down for a while, Mom. I'm just tired.
You don't
have to stay. I will be fine." Scully almost cringed as
she said that last
word. How many times had she brushed Mulder off with that word
during her
cancer?
He'd been so caring and concerned but she had not let him in.
She had to
put up this brave front. He had finally given up on asking to
be let in.
But she could see it was eating him up inside. She hurt him by
shutting him
out. "Please forgive me, Mulder. I think I now know what
you were going
through." The tears slid down her cheeks in silence.
So much wasted time. Seven years of game-playing and dancing around
their
feelings. Mulder had been more open to showing his feelings but
she always
shot him down and forced him to turn it into a joke. Even
when he had said
those three words she had shrugged it off to the drugs.
How could she have been so cruel? Sure, he had been under medication
for
his ordeal in the Bermuda Triangle but she could see in his eyes he
was
serious. Mulder spoke volumes with his eyes and his had been
earnest and
sincere. Yet she couldn't let him see how it affected her.
She loved him
then, too. Why couldn't she admit it? So much wasted time...
Scully crawled in under the comforter and her mind flashed back to just
three nights earlier when she had crawled into Mulder's bed at the
motel.
She had been feeling so tired and chilled and just needed his comfort.
They had finally become intimate after her revelation about her old
boyfriend, Daniel. She remembered how glad she'd been to run
into Mulder
outside of the hospital that day. What a strange twist of fate.
She still
couldn't explain how she had seen that woman and then, when she turned
her
around, it was Mulder's smiling face under that goofy cap.
"Stonehenge Rocks"- well, at least his trip hadn't been a total waste.
He
had that stupid cap to add to his collection. Scully felt herself
smiling
at the vision of him under that cap. He could change from a serious
FBI
agent to a silly kid in a matter of seconds. She loved him so much
that her
heart ached.
That night at Mulder's she had fallen asleep on his couch. She
woke up with
Mulder's scratchy Navajo blanket tucked under her chin. It was
still the
middle of the night and she decided to go home. She'd gone in
to tell
Mulder that she was leaving even though she could have left him a note.
She'd tiptoed into his room and found him sprawled across the bed.
All arms
and legs, that was her Mulder!
Scully's vision had followed the bare foot up across his torso
and stopped
at his face. He'd been sleeping on his stomach and his head was
turned
toward the door. She'd pondered the peaceful look on his face.
For once he
seemed to not be bothered by his demons in his sleep. His face
looked years
younger, unlined and relaxed. His hair was disheveled and
he looked like a
young boy who had played all day and had finally crashed in utter
exhaustion. Of course, he had just made a round trip to England
in the
matter of three days. He had to be more tired than she.
When she'd entered his room in the dark that night she tripped over
some
magazines that were piled on the floor. They in turn caused
his basketball
to roll across the floor and hit the never-hung dartboard which fell
and hit
the wastebasket with a clang. It was like one of
Henry Weems's
"cause-and-effect" creations and it certainly had led to that.
Mulder woke with a start and reached for his weapon.
"Stop, Mulder! It's me. Scully."
He groaned and rolled onto his back.
"It's a little early for one-on-one, don't ya think, Scully." He'd responded
when he saw that she was holding the basketball that had started this
chain
of events. He gave her the eyebrow waggle and cleared the sleep
from his
eyes.
"I just wanted to let you know that I'm going home, Mulder. Thanks
for the
hospitality. I'll see you in the morning."
"It's already morning, Scully. You will have to be up in less
than two
hours. Why don't you just stay?" he had said.
"Thanks. But I am not as used to sleeping on that old couch as
you are. I
need a real bed."
"OK, hop in!" Mulder had responded teasingly as he
lifted the comforter.
/ Although this time it had not sounded so teasing to Scully.
It sounded
very sexy and, ahh... inviting. She'd stared at him for
several minutes
before she even realized it. Two can play this game, she'd thought.
And he
did look so sweet with his hair going every which way and his lids
half
closed.
That was when she had made the decision that would change their lives.
She
had slowly removed her sweater and pants and, with her eyes still locked
on
his shocked hazel ones, she had crawled under his covers.
It had seemed as if when their skin met they became two
different people.
Scully placed her hand on Mulder's bare chest and he had taken
it into his
own and kissed her palm ever so gently. Their eyes were still
locked
together. He began kissing up her arm, still completely focused
on her
face.
"Mulder.... I ...."
"What, Scully? You know I love you. I think, at least I
hope, you feel
something for me, too."
"I do, Mul... I do love you. I just don't know if we should do this."
"Scully, you're the one who wanted to 'stop driving and get out of the
car.'" Damn him and his eidetic memory.
And all of a sudden his words/her words hit home. He was right.
She loved
this man with all her heart and they had waited too long already.
She'd
dropped her defenses and they had made love for the first time.
It was
slow and reverent and passionate. It was a feeling that she never wanted
to
stop. Seven years of waiting had come to this. They were
perfect together.
She never wanted the night to end.
But end it did.
Scully was suddenly brought back to reality when her alarm clock went
off.
She was in her own apartment. She hadn't even realized she'd
fallen asleep.
She still had a warm feeling from her dream about the first
night she and
Mulder had made love. Mulder... He was gone, missing... abducted.
Oh God.
And she was carrying their child.
They'd made love several times after that evening. They hadn't
worried
about birth control because she was barren. They knew they were
both
"clean" because of regular FBI physicals. Besides, she hadn't
been with
another man since joining the X Files. She didn't think Mulder
had been
with anyone either.
The last time they'd made love was in the motel in Oregon. He
had held her
so gently in his arms and they had spooned for hours. He spoke
of shutting
down the X Files and of her deserving more from life. She'd felt
his tears
trickle on her cheek as he spoke.
She, too, had been crying. He was afraid. Afraid of the
future, afraid of
losing her as he had lost every other person he had ever loved in his
life.
Finally she'd rolled over in his arms and reassured him that
no matter
what happened with the FBI she would always be there for him.
She'd wiped
his tears and kissed him on the eyelids. She'd held his face
in her small
hands and they wept together. Then they'd made love. It was an affirmation
of life, the future, no matter what that future might be for them.
And now, their future was lost. She found herself rubbing her
belly softly
as she cried silent tears for their unborn child. And their life
without
his father. She knew it would be a boy. A boy as strong
and determined as
his father. He had been conceived in a womb that was supposedly barren.
He
had fought all odds to be conceived. He would be loving and smart
and
gentle and compassionate. He would have the wonderful, expressive
deep
hazel eyes of his father. And he would have a father to love
him. Scully
was determined to do everything in her power to find his daddy and
bring him
home to his family.
As Scully got out of bed she tuned her ears in to the song playing on
her
clock radio. She didn't know the name of the artist but she had
heard the
song before. She increased the volume and listened to the
lyrics more
carefully.
"There you are in the early light of day.
There you are in the quiet words I pray.
I've been blessed by the simple happiness
of the perfect love we've made."
Their lovemaking had been perfect. And when she awoke that morning
after
the first time, she looked over to find her lover, her best friend,
softly
snoring and wearing a small, contented smile. She'd given him a gentle
kiss
on his forehead, a kiss so soft that he did not wake, and left their
bed.
Finally she realized what had been missing from her life. She
had never
been so happy as after their first night together. She prayed it would
happen again.
"Every time I turn around
When I 'm lost and when I'm found
Like an angel standing guard
There you are.
Every time I take a breath
And when I forget to breathe
You're watching over me
There you are."
Mulder had always been there for her. He was her guardian angel.
He had
gone to the ends of the Earth to find her. He had found a cure
for her
cancer. He would give his life for her. Perhaps, this time,
he had.
"When I'm looking for the light
in the middle of the night
Searching for the brightest star
There you are."
Scully walked over to her window and looked out. It was early morning
and a
little dark outside. The morning star was still visible. "Are
you out
there, Mulder? Are you finding your truth? You are my truth.
I need you
back." The tears began to cascade down her cheeks again.
"I will have you
back. Our child will have the wonderful father he deserves.
I will never
stop searching for you."
"There you are standing in a crowded room
There you are- the earth and I'm the moon
My desire is to stand by the fire
That burns inside of you."
"I love you, Fox William Mulder. With all my heart and soul.
I love your
tenderness and concern. I love your mind and your heart. I love
your sense
of humor, even though I rarely admit it. I love your passion
for life and
for finding the answers. I love the fire that burns inside of you."
"There you are."
I will find you, Mulder.
Fini
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