I'm trying really hard to get this site up; it's the weekend, the only time I have even a little time to do things other than school work. I should actually be studying and writing my political science essay, but when do I ever do what I'm supposed to? I would have been up earlier working on this, but I couldn't sleep well last night, I have a lot on my mind, but anyone in a relationship like mines can probably sympathize. Well, I'm not gonna get into that now, I have too much work to do.
It's the weekend and I should be relaxing and working on my web site, but instead I have homework to last me well into next week. I have a convenient class schedule, I do all four of my classes on tuesdays between 7am and 11am on tuesdays and thursdays between 7 am and 12:30pm. The only problem is that I end up with so much to do on the five days I'm not in school and I am perhaps one of the greatest procrastinators of my time. Last weekend I had two test to study for, math and oceanography. I waited until the last minute to seriously study for my math test, I did most of the studying on monday night, my test was tuesday at 7am. I ended up passing, but not with the grade I would have liked. I spent about two days studying for my OCE test and ended up doing what I think is ok, but again I hate do to just ok. On top of all that stress, I also had other, more personal, things on my mind. About 3 weeks ago, my gf of almost two years (on Feb. 6) broke up with me. It was a stupid break up over a stupid argument; we've had at least a dozen of them. She apologized the next day and wanted to get back together, but something just wouldn't let me say yes. I decided I needed some time to figure myself out. She was my friend for three years before we started dating, but we had lost that friendship somewhere along the way. She'd use crude language when she got mad and she has a temper like none other. I love the girl with everything I have: my mind, body, and soul, but we were killing what we had; our love was dying, but she didn't seem to see it. She agreed to take some time apart, but we've tried that before and it never worked, this time was no different. I talked to her everyday and the "I love u's" and "ur so cute" didn't stop just because we had broken up. When we saw each other we still acted like a couple, even though it was a little awkward in the beginning. We spent the week after the breakup trying to fix things. She said she was changing, she wasn't going to get angry anymore. I have to admit she was holding to that until quite recently. About a week after we broke up, we made plans to go out to dinner. She came over to pick me up and she came into to wait for me to finish getting my stuff together. We talked a little bit about our relationship, and eventually one thing led to another. After being intimate with someone for two years, it's hard to just stop altogether. I don't regret doing it, I just wish we had waited until things weren't so complicated. The worst part is that it reminded me of how great some of the aspects of our relationship were. It made me feel ready to get back together (I thought the sex meant we were back together actually). We went to dinner and it was still considerably early; it was only around 10:30pm. I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie, but she said she didn't want to be home late. She was going to call her mom and tell her she was gonna stay out later, but I could see the hesitation on her face, she obviously wanted to go home, so I told her to just forget about it and drop me off. It didn't take her too long to see I was upset. I know it may seem selfish of me to get upset, but there is merit in me getting upset. When our parents found out we were together, they put us through hell. They tried to sever all ties we had to each other, my mom even considered making me transfer schools. We got to see each other only at school and whenever we lied to our parents so they would let us out. Mostly we spent our junior year skipping classes to spend time together. We got caught a couple of time and we got in trouble at school and at home, but it was the only way we could spend time together. A lot of shit happened that year; my dad died, I did drugs and drank a lot with my old crowd of friends to drown out the problems at home and at school, and my relationship suffered a lot. Senior year was much the same in the beginning, except my gf was trying to get her grades up and we didn't cut class as often. I guess it bothered me that we didn't spend as much time together. After we graduated we ended up at different schools, I went to MDC (I was going to go to UCF or FGCU, but I decided to stay in Miami to be with her and since it was a last minute decision, FIU had already stopped taking applications) and she ended up at FIU. That was a problem for me, she had originally said she was going to go to MDC with me if I stayed, but then she decided to go to FIU. That meant we would see each other only on our spare time, which wouldn't be much at all. When we did see each other we had to lie to our parents... to this day they don't know we're still together. Case and point, when we go out, it's the only real quality time we spend together, and she didn't want to maximize that time that night which made me upset. I called her after she dropped me off while she was driving home and let her know exactly how I felt about the situation. She said it wasn't her fault and she got upset that I as arguing with her, then she told me she couldn't believe how I was arguing with her the same night we started to get back together and that made her not want to be with me anymore. That's where the real trouble started. I said fine and hung up, but nothing was fine and nothing has been since that night. The next day we talked and it was the same old BS. We spent that week talking. We saw each other a couple of times that week and I believe we slept together at some point, but things weren't right. We didn't go out that weekend, I had too much studying and homework to do. At some point she told me she didn't want to be with anymore because I would impede her change and it would cause us too many problems. The next day of course she wanted to get back together. This week was hard. We saw each other on tuesday, but it was only for lunch and it was a bit awkward. We talked about mostly trivial things, when we did mention "us" it was usually in a comment of wanting to get back together. She kept saying how she's changed and she wanted to be together, but I kept saying I wasn't ready to get back together. She asked me when I would be ready and I told her when the time came, we would both know. That didn't satisfy her of course. She dropped me off after lunch and went to her class. Well, actually, she went to study with some guy and than went to class. I don't know why that irks me the wrong way, but it does. I know she's not into guys, but still, something about it bothers me. She called me on Thursday, she sounded desperate and anxious, she begged me to tell my mom not to pick me up after class so she could come and see me and have lunch with me. She told me she heard DJ Sammy's "Heaven" on the radio and thought about me and she just needed to see me. She was practically (well literally actually), crying on the phone. I worked it out with my mom (said I was staying to study), and I told my gf to come pick me up. She told me she missed me a lot and she was acting really affectionate, more than usual (which is a lot). We went to Pollo Tropical for lunch and we checked out Puppy World which is so depressing to me. The puppies always look so sad and I want to take them all home with me, but I can't cause for one they cost like $1,000 each and if I bring home any dogs my mom will kick me out along with them.... So afterwards we went to the pet store and we each picked up some stuff for our dogs. She asked me when I was going to get back together with her, she said she felt ready and she wanted to make things right and make our relationship better than it was before and blah blah blah. I don't mean that in a bad way, but it was all so redundant. I didn't feel ready and I really didn't want to get back together. I hated feeling that way, but I couldn't help it. I didn't understand why until I sat and thought about it that night. It occurred to me that since we had gotten together two years ago, I had completely changed. I lost myself in her. I wasn't the bad ass that snapped back at any remark and knew how to stand up for myself. With her I just took everything she threw at me. I was the peacemaker, the one that had to keep a cool head to ensure the survival of our relationship. I sold out to myself to be her gf and in those three short weeks I realized I didn't want to be that anymore, I didn't want to be Monica's gf, I wanted to be Jessica again. We made plans to go out the next day, she said she was taking me out to dinner. She came over to pick me up after my family left to church (ironic... I know). I went to change my shirt and put on my socks and she followed me into my room. She started kissing me and trying to start something, but I tried to avoid it, I wanted to talk about what was on my mind first before we did anything, I wanted to be fair to her. I wanted to talk over dinner, but she got me into a compromising position. I had her in my arms and in my bed and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her, but I couldn't do that, not without talking to her first. I told her we needed to talk and she asked if it could wait; when I said no, she got up, turned on the lights and sat next to me looking worried. I told her how I felt, and to my surprise she understood. She was a little upset that it was taking so long and would now take even longer to get back together, but she didn't get angry and leave. We went to dinner, and it was still considerably early, only 10pm. On the way home I was whining and telling her not to leave me, and to my surprise she asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I thought she was joking, only two weeks earlier she was paranoid about getting home after 11 and here she was making a real effort to make me happy. I have to say that made my heart swell with a renewed sense of love and appreciation for her; she truly was making an effort. We went and watched "Something's Gotta Give" (an awesome movie I highly recommend). We left the theater at 12:20am and she was obviously a little nervous about the time, but she kept it together rather well. She dropped me off and gave me one of the sweetest and most tender kisses that her lips have ever produced. After I got inside and lied to my mother about having had dinner and watched a movie with my guy friends, I went to my room and thought about what happened, what I'd said, and how maybe I was wrong about the way I felt. I mean when you fall in love with someone, you want to be a better person for them, you want to give them the best of you. Maybe being the peacemaker and not being such a loose cannon was actually good for us, maybe it was good for me. I used to be so loud, annoying and domineering, but I think she taught me how to be more laid back and submissive (not in the physical sense though :) ) I don't know, right now I can't stop thinking about her. I miss her and I wish she was here instead of wherever she is. I don't know, I feel so frustrated and confused right now. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions and I'm being stretched beyond my threshold. I guess only time will tell where this relationship will go. I hope it's forward, but again, only time will tell. Well, I have four chapters to read for political science, all thanks to my procrastinating ways.
I'm done with the major components of the site. It's taken me so long because of my heavy homework load and the stuff I've been going through in my personal life. I managed to get almost all of the works I wanted to share up and linked together. Building this site gave me a new found appreciation and respect for the people who have their own sites and for those who do this kind of thing for a living. I'm not completely adjusted to this online journal thing, I usually keep one in writing, but paper trails always leave room for invasion of privacy. I know my mom won't get to this since she doesn't know the first thing about computers. It's really late and I need some sleep.
My weekend officially started today and I have to say I�m glad it has. I got sick on Tuesday; I haven�t had the flu in a while, so this one came in full force. You know the kind� headache, body ache, fever, extremely sore throat, stuffy and runny nose (you know it alternates depending on the temperature, lol), and the overall sense of feeling dilapidated. I hate being sick, but I�ve done what any American does, I pumped myself full of synthetic drugs and spent extremely long periods of time in bed (unfortunately the alone kind�)
These past few days haven�t been an utter loss� On the 2nd me and Monica got back together. It felt like the right time and things had been going so well up until that point. I�m not sure how I feel about getting back together. On the one hand I�m happy that we�ve been able to work things out. I mean, I love my gf, she�s not the kind you date and dump, she�s long term relationship material and that�s what I want, I want a long long long long term monogamous relationship. I want to live together, get married (hopefully it will be legal nationwide by than), raise a family, spend every spare second together, make love often, talk even more often, and enjoy each other until we�re old and one of us inevitably dies. I hope I go first, because I don�t know what I�d do without her; I�d die of a broken heart or go insane and I mean that literally.
On the other hand, I�m worried. I know she�s been changing a lot and she�s giving it all of her effort and although I want to believe she�s doing it for the sake of change, some part of me thinks she might have initiated the change so that I would be persuaded to reconcile with her. When she was trying to get back together with me, she was playing an active role in our relationship. She would call me all the time, she was really sweet and caring, and she paid attention to the little details. Those are all things you do when you�re trying to get together with someone, but once you have that person, once they�re �yours� you start to be negligent of the details, you forget to remind them of how much you love them, all of a sudden screaming at them seems commonplace, profanity just becomes part of the way you talk to them, respect loses it�s significance, and then the love starts to fade and eventually dies. I don�t want that for us, I want to spend the rest of my life in peace and tranquility with her. I don�t want the drama or the hang-ups or the issues, I just want her and I to be in love, to be a couple, and to be happy.
I want people to be able to look at our relationship when we celebrate our 50th anniversary and say, �I hope my relationship lasts as long as theirs has and that it�s as nourishing and gratifying as theirs has been.� I want the kind of love that inspires poetry; the kind that cannot be articulated through feeble words or language; I want a forever love that knows no boundaries of time nor space; I want a deep rooted connection that cannot be severed through any existing means; I want the kind of love most people think is only possible in fairytales; we�ve already had our hardships, we have paid our dues just like Cinderella and Snow White, I want my happily ever after. I won�t settle for anything less.
Tomorrow is our two year anniversary� We�re going to go out and spend some time together, hopefully I�ll be feeling a little better by tomorrow night. I still can�t get over the fact that we�ve been together for two years. We�ve been through so much over that period of time; I don�t think we would have made it through if it wasn�t true love, we probably would have given up somewhere along the way. She�s everything to me and I simply couldn�t live without her. Lots of people say it, it has become a commonplace saying in our society, yet few people really stop to think about what it implies. I, on the other hand, think about what it would mean to not have her in my life on a daily basis. My love for her is my life; to separate the two is impossible. She is so well entwined within my life that at times it�s difficult to tell them apart. That�s exactly what I want, I want us to be so close that we can be looked upon as one; two bodies sharing one mind, one heart, and one soul. I don�t know how many people believe in soul mates� I never used to believe in them, I thought all of that was spurious, but when I started to date Monica, when I realized I was in love with her and that she was the one woman who could seize my heart and retain it for all eternity, I also recognized that things like that do not simply happen. I started to believe in destiny, for nothing else could have brought about something so perfect and so right. She completed me in every way, she filled all of the empty spaces that my heart contained. I found that connection with someone and I think skeptics like me must find it to believe it.
Well, I am sick and kind of tired, so I�m gonna go relax for a while, maybe try to come up with something to write in her card. I think the best thing is to just sit down and start writing, that way it comes from the heart and it won�t seem artificial or premeditated. I�m looking forward to seeing her tomorrow and to that early wake up call� Even when I�m tired and petulant in the morning, I still love the sound of her voice. I�ll never tire of waking to the sweet sound of it, even when we�re 70 years old and her voice begins to break and the words are spoken from wrinkled lips; it will still sound as sweet to me as the day it first resonated in my ears.
Being alone is unnatural for human beings; like wolves, we�re pack animals. We desire companionship, we strive to be part of something bigger. For me, being part of HER, mattering to HER, having HER, was always enough to fulfill me. Hearing her voice, seeing her smile or feeling her flesh used to be enough to dissolve the solitude. I had this idea in my mind, this notion that she was all I needed, that being with her was the only thing that mattered. I took this idea of love and expanded it to ridiculous proportions. I thought it could sustain me, so I let my happiness become dependant upon HER which was the biggest mistake I could ever make. She says she loves me, she calls me her �love� her �everything,� yet they�re just words, they mean absolutely nothing to her. She knows absolutely nothing about the real me and if she did she probably wouldn't even bother to pretend to care for me� I don�t matter to her nearly as much as she matters to me�
Sometimes the loneliness can be overwhelming; the uncertainty an intolerable encumbrance � There are millions upon millions of people in this world, yet here I sit, a solitary soul disconnected from everything and everyone. The one person who I should not feel this way about, the one soul that should be irrevocably connected to me seems to be drifting away; fading into the solitude of oblivion. My mood seems to change from one day to the next, but it shouldn�t. That phenomenon occurs because everything I am, all that I feel, everything I think is based on HER. I�ve let her come into my life, my mind, my soul, my heart� I�ve let her take control, and every move she makes, every word she speaks, every look she gives me greatly alters who and what I am. No one should have that kind of control over someone else, especially when their intentions are not pure�
I dare not impugn anyone other than myself; I let HER in, I gave her the power over me; I allowed her to affect me the way she does. I let every word she speaks alter me, I let her snide remarks and rude gestures affect my mood, my feelings, my thoughts, my self-worth, my soul, the very essence of all that I am. I let her think it�s all alright� I pretend it doesn�t hurt, I let her believe the lies she tells herself, I put on my strong face and retaliate so she won�t realize how defenseless I really am, so she won�t know just how fragile and vulnerable my soul is. The truth of the matter is that it does hurt and it�s not alright. My heart is covered in wounds and scars� There is no place spared of mutilation, so she�s resorted to cutting over open wounds and tender scar tissue. The smallest move of her hands, the most insignificant comment or action tears open the abrasions and amplifies the pain already persistent pain, yet she feels nothing�
Once upon a time that now seems so distant, I used to agonize over the lack of feeling. My life, my soul� they all seemed imaginary; everything was consumed by numbness. At times I wondered whether or not they even existed; I questioned everything that I now wish I could rid myself of. I just wanted to feel, and now I do� I feel pain; unbearable, agonizing, excruciating pain� She used to help diminish it, but now she stands by and watches me drown in it. She doesn�t cause all of it, most of it has built up over the years, but she has made generous contributions�
The pain� it came long before she did. She stole my heart so easily perhaps because it was so weak and willing. Before she came along the pain was easier to deal with. When my heart was wounded I could induce pain to some other part of myself to allow me to forget the pain my heart felt. Hurting physically was so much easier than hurting spiritually or emotionally; the corporeal pain was much duller and less severe than the pain my soul was experiencing� Blood was my universal cure for the anguish, at least it was until she came along� I was na�ve and imprudent, I handed her my heart and believed she could repair all of the destruction and damage, make all of the scars fade, sweep away the memories� My mistake was to put all of my faith in her, to let myself depend on her for what she was ill equipped to and unable to offer. She was looking for a heart that could withstand a few injuries, a heart that was strong and could endure all of the mistakes and cruel things she anticipated she would produce, but instead I gave her my heart� tattered, weak, in need of tender care and in search of gentle hands. The blunder was mine; the culpability lies at my feet.
Inside everything has gone dark, it�s almost as if someone walked into the rooms of my soul and shut off all of the lights. I sit in the corner, hiding, trying to find the switch, but there are none to be found� not any that I can reach at least. In the darkness of it all, there are things that try to pull me in, they crawl on my skin and search for places to penetrate through, they try to rip me apart, they want to desecrate me and pervert me; they want to make me like them� just another THING in the darkness, but something keeps me alive; something keeps me fighting; something keeps me from utterly disengaging from my humanity, yet I�m unsure as to what it is� I once believed it was her, the hope that we would someday be something more than a secret, something more than what we are today, that kept me alive, kept me fighting and striving to make it out, to find the switch, to escape those THINGS in the darkness� but I was wrong. She�s the very one who places me there, the one who covers my eyes and leads me down the path of indifference; the one who feeds me spoonfulls of beautiful lies. The hope she gave is only an illusion, the same illusion I�m drowning in, the same pool of blackness I seem to be losing myself in, and nothing, not her, not I nor anyone else seems to be willing or able to switch on those lights, to pull me out of those dark pools of oblivion, to give me back my life.
The beautiful thing is that none of it is relevant anymore. My heart might as well stop beating, my blood might as well coagulate, my soul might as well cease to exist� There�s beauty in my allegorical demise� it�s unfeasible to tell from the outside that everything within has died; I can smile and say it�s alright and no one can see the divergence, SHE can�t recognize the discrepancy. It�s mordant that it all seems to come back to her� Over and over, my feelings, my thoughts, my words, they always divert me back to her. How did these thoughts all end up on this inanimate page? HER. She may not have sat and typed the words, but she said and did things that made the feelings overflow; she made the words spill forth like torrential rains cause the rivers to deluge� Again, it�s MY fault. I didn�t safeguard myself against her, I didn�t take precautions to ensure my own safety and survival. I opened myself to HER and invited in the destruction. I let her assume it was ok to hang up the receiver, that it was ok to treat me as she would treat a strong soul; I neglected to tell her my soul was precarious and my heart was frayed, I let her believe it was ok to disregard and disrespect me� I perpetuated her actions by mitigating them and by accepting her repetitive and mundane apologies. Not only did I aloow her to commit all of these crimes, I also facilitated her... I'm am an accomplice to my own destruction!
So what? What�s the point, what�s the crux of all this rambling? There is no point, no crux, no meaning, no significance. It�s all just words, sentences linked in time and space to form what it is, and all of this, well it is what it is� At the end of it all I�ll do absolutely nothing to change any of it. I�ll keep quiet and go on living this death, this paradox, this broken metaphor � Tomorrow, I�ll arise and smile and make my way through another illusory day pretending that I am what I pretend to be� I�ll wear my mask: the fa�ade that allows me to walk amongst the living, for this, what and who I truly am, could never be considered living, even in the broadest implications of the idiom. And tomorrow, I�ll take a seat here again and I�ll write� I�ll write as if today was only a dream; as if these words were never envisaged or conceived in my psyche and typed into the perpetuity of cyber space; as if these confessions were never made; as if the angst and shadows had dissipated; as if she truly is all that I need; as if our love wasn�t on the brink of extinction; as if my heart, my mind, and my soul hadn�t been left behind in a distant time and place� Tomorrow I�ll be able to pretend again, but not tonight� no, not tonight.
Tonight the darkness will be emancipated, the sorrow will not be restrained, my lips won�t be clasped shut, my mind won�t be silenced, and my heart will be permitted to bleed� Tonight I will sob and allow myself to reminisce over the suffering, I will sit in solitude and won�t dilute myself into believing SHE is someplace out there thinking of me as I weep� Tonight I�ll be sincere with myself; I�ll listen to all of the songs that make me ponder the beauty of death and abhor the perplexity of existing� Tonight I won�t pretend it doesn�t hurt; tonight I�ll allow myself to remember the suppressed memories and I�ll claim the pain I presume to have left behind. Tonight I�ll let myself disintegrate, I�ll lay on the sheets of my defiled sanctuary and I�ll tarnish it with blood and tears� I�ll let the pain come forth from beneath the skin, I�ll watch the globules of blood spill; I�ll observe them as they dry and form brown stains on the pillow case� I�ll shut off all the lights and lay in darkness� I�ll allow my eyes to see what my soul experiences ever so often...
Tonight I�ll cut into all of the pain and make myself feel something real again for there is no mendacity in blood, there is no way to disguise it, no way to alter it; it is essential to every being. The magnificence of the darkness and the anguish will seduce me. They are both proverbial to me, so much so that I fear I may have come to fancy them, even place them on a dais� Perhaps even implore them� Possibly, I�ll allow her to speak to me, I�ll say hello and she�ll rupture open a wound, but that�s ok tonight� Tonight is all about anguish, all about the pain, about my divulged absurdity; tonight I�ll relinquish my pursuit for redemption and give into the seduction of the suffering and obscurity� I�ll lose myself in the ambiguity and give myself into the temptation, but only for tonight. Tomorrow won�t hold any semblance of this night. The only substantiations that will endure will be the freshly wounded skin and the stains� And no one will know; no one will ever be able to see. She won�t be able to differentiate them from the others or see them scattered amongst all of the old scars. She won�t be able to discriminate between the old stains and the ones made anew. And my eyes? They�ll cease to weep and return to their previous selves� barren spheres that emulate whatsoever gazes into them� She�ll be able to see herself (or at least her likeness) once again in my eyes and will fail to construe any treachery. She�ll apologize for today and I�ll nod my head and reassure her it�s all alright. I'll make it all alright or at least enable myself to pretend it's all alright... All I need is release, all I need is to bleed out the impurities; just need to rid myself of the darkness. Yes, tomorrow it will once again be alright�
I thought today would be different; I thought I would be able to put on my strong face once again and pretend that the pain had subsided and the wounds had never been torn open; I thought I would be able to smile and feign happiness, but the truth of the matter is that once the pain is released, once the tears and blood are allowed to flow, there simply is no turning back� Today I attended my classes, I sat in my classrooms and I listened to my professors speak, yet I wasn�t truly there� A part of me, the part that really matters, was left somewhere in the darkness of yesterday; it was drowned and swept away by the flood of loneliness and despair. I sought to find it -whatever piece of it may have survived- yet I found nothing� My mind once conceived the notion of emptiness, but now it is no longer an idea or theory, it is an undeniable and unchangeable fact; I am empty. Whatever part of me that lived, whatever shred of humanity that kept me clinging to this life, to this despondent and dismal existence, was lost in the unfathomable depths of the pain filled waters of revelation�
This all resembles a nightmare, the kind that you expect to wake up from at any moment. I�m in a dark place and I can feel the pressure of water bearing down on me� It�s pitch black and I can see nothing, my lungs feel as though they are going to collapse, I thrash my arms and kick my legs desperate to ascend to the surface, I can�t move and although I cannot see anything, I know there�s something beneath me� something grabbing hold of me, something that refuses to release me, something that wants to hold me under� I keep expecting to open my eyes, I keep expecting to gasp sharply for air, I keep expecting to reach the surface, but my expectations are never realized� I feel trapped and confused and alone. Part of me desperately wants to reach the surface, but some part of me secretly hopes it�s the end. Some part of me is complacent with the prospect of an end, with the idea of a conclusion and a final resting place� Part of me wants to sink, part of me hopes I never reach the surface, part of me has given up and is ready to accept fate and destiny for what they are; a vicious hoax.
Still, I came home and sat at my desk and did my math problems. I worked through the numbers and I used formulas and laws to find the precise answers. That�s the beauty of math, you can always get the right answer. Life has no formulas to help you find the definite resolution, it has no theorems or models to show you how to come up with the answers� After a while the numbers all seem to blur together, they all come together to purport absolutely nothing, just fixed figured and images that we irrational beings conceived in a futile attempt to give our lives an air of order and rationality. None of it matters. No matter how many formulas and theorems and laws I commit to memory, my life will still be negated of any pertinent or applicable answers.
So what of all this? My conclusion is that none of it matters and if nothing in my life matters, then what�s the point of living at all? If it�s all going to come to a crashing halt someday, if it will eventually all fall apart, why not let it be now? I�m surrounded by people who �care about me,� yet I�m utterly alone and vacant. My soul has been swept away by the vehement waters of revelation, or perhaps they simply allowed me to realize that it was all lost long ago� Either way, it�s all ceased to exists. Is there any way of getting that back, is there any way to make that right again? I lack the answers�
She claims all I speak are lies, but she�s intelligent enough to decipher them on her own. She knows that when I say I�m ok I�m lying to her, so if she chooses to believe me, isn�t she the one lying to herself? She refuses to admit that perhaps there�s something wrong, that maybe it�s not just some fleeting thing causing me to act the way I�m acting. Being who she is, she assumes it must have to be about her, but the truth is that when you shave away all of the excuses, when you travel to the core of my ailment, the problem is me. I�m the one who�s defective and as usual, I�m the one at fault.
She tries to be there, but it�s not her fault that what she has to offer simply won�t suffice to meet my needs. My thoughts and expressions are based on raw emotion, �I Feel� is my zodiac phrase� Out of curiosity I looked up some information on my zodiac sign. Cancers are the most emotional people. Everything to them revolves around emotions and feelings. We take everything so personal and we�re prone to feel lonely. Like the crab, we often depend on our hard outer shell to ward off danger, but on the inside we�re made of vulnerable, tender flesh� not stone. We seek, above all else, to feel secure and loved.
Zodiac signs and astrology are not things I particularly live by, but I think they do offer some basic truths, at least they do for me. Her birthday is May 20th, she�s a Taurus� barely. Upon reading the descriptions I found that although she was born on the 20th, it seems her personality falls much closer to that of a Gemini. It�s only a day difference, I would assume that there�s room for cosmic error� Either way, I searched for compatibility between those two signs and what I found didn�t surprise me one bit. It was as if I had written it myself. Here�s what I found:
CANCER | GEMINI
Cancer is usually the one who takes care of family affairs -writing letters to family members, visiting family members, providing the emotional support and care needed by children (and adults!), and, in general, is more attentive to people's feelings and emotional needs. Cancer is also more attached to the past, fond memories, places, and friends than Gemini. Sometimes Gemini is indifferent to the concerns of Cancer, and often simply cannot become as emotionally involved about an issue or situation as Cancer.
Even if Gemini is a caring, sensitive person, you still find concerns are expressed differently and are directed less personally than those of Cancer. Gemini often wants to approach problems intellectually by discussing them whereas Cancer seeks a change in attitude and feels that talking often evades the underlying problems.
Many of the misunderstandings between you arise because Gemini is more emotionally detached and rational, while Cancer is more subjective, emotionally involved, and unable to be as articulate and "reasonable" as Gemini is. Paradoxically, you are attracted to one another for the same reason! Gemini's mental agility and wit appeals to Cancer, Cancer's sensitivity and depth of feeling is attractive to Gemini, and you both have much to learn from one another.
If that doesn�t describe us, I honestly don�t know what does. Whenever I express concern or sadness, she always wants to know WHY and the problem is sometimes I don�t know WHY, all I know is that I feel hurt or I feel sad or I feel upset, but the reason evades me. She gets upset with me when I can�t give her a reason for my feelings. She won�t offer me comfort unless she can make logical sense of why I�m feeling the way I claim to feel. She often downplays my concerns; she tells me not to worry about the future, to just live in the present; she tells me I think too much� When I need her to hold me and tell me it�s all going to be ok, she�ll want to talk about it instead. Sometimes it�s necessary to talk, but most times I just want her to make me feel safe. Once I feel safe it�s so much easier to communicate with her. A lot of times I get extremely emotional about something� I�ll start to cry or I�ll get depressed and she gets frustrated with me because she can�t grasp the reason for WHY I�m crying or why I care so much about something like a dead cat in the road or why I feel hurt over something she meant as a joke or didn�t mean at all. The truth is I don�t know why I get the way I do, I just know that it happens and it�s intense and I need her to be there for me when I get like that. The problem is that I don�t feel like I CAN go to her when I feel like that. In the back of my mind I worry about telling her that I�m sad. I know she�ll want to know why and honestly I just DON�T KNOW WHY! Then she�ll get angry with me, she�ll think I�m hiding something from her, and than we�ll start to argue and she�ll make me feel more sad� When confronted with this, she�ll inevitably deny it, but I�ll always have today to serve as a prime example�
She called me and started talking to me as she would on any other morning, but today was not just any morning. I�ve been struggling, alone, with my feelings, angst, and frustration for two days. She asked me why I was �treating� her �the way� I was� Again, it�s always about her� I told her that I just didn�t want to talk. She tried to rationalize, she asked questions and sought after answers I could not provide her. When she couldn�t make sense of the situation she got upset and hung up. I laid in bed for two hours and drifted in and out of consciousness while listening to the bittersweet melodies resonating in my ears. Finally, as if by divine intervention, I grasped the receiver and dialed the number. I placed it to my ear and waited� When she picked up all I could say was sorry. The word itself seemed asinine; I was apologizing for being miserable, there has to be some irony in the midst of it all. Again, the apology wasn�t enough for her, she was upset that I wasn�t giving her answers. She kept asking why I was being �that way� and why I was avoiding her and why I was lying and saying everything was ok� I lied to avoid the very situation I found myself in; I lied so that she wouldn�t try to rationalize my irrationality; I lied so that I could fall apart in peace; I lied because I knew she wouldn�t understand. Having found no answers to satisfy her, she left me alone to ponder my own steady demise.
The hours slugged by and I couldn�t help but wish she would forget everything, I couldn�t help but wish she would just show up at my door step and take me in her arms and hold me without question or condition. Part of me held hope that instead of going to her house she would come home to me. I stood by my window for what seemed like an eternity and I waited� I waited to see the glare of her car shine through, I wanted for the sound of her engine to pull into her parking spot, I waited for the sound of her footsteps, for the knock at the door, but there was no glare, no engine, no footsteps, and no knocking� She called, but again, she wanted answers that I didn�t have... I recoiled back into my shell and let her draw her own conclusions. I said things that I myself didn�t mean. Her constant interrogating was frustrating me, so I burst out with something to the effect of �it�s not like you care anyway� and that upset her very much, so much so that she hung up. When I called her once again to apologize, it was painfully obvious to me that there was nothing I could say to calm her down. She was angry and I lacked the energy to pull her back to me. Still, I remained on the line and hoped that she would do or say something that would open the door for me. I just wanted a reason to tell her how I was feeling, I wanted to scream and shout and tell her how sad I�ve been. I wanted to open my heart to her, but there was only silence� A silence that cut through me like a thousand knives; a heart wrenching silence that seemed to last an eternity. She tried to hang up, but I wouldn�t say good-bye, I still hoped she would say something; I was still waiting for her to open the door. She kept saying things that didn�t register in my mind, the last thing I heard was the line go dead. The tears rolled down my cheeks and landed on my pillowcase amongst all of the other dried tears and blood stains� I laid my head down and let the emotions and tears spill forward; she was gone, there was no longer any point in holding them back�
It�s been way too long since I�ve updated this site or this journal for that matter. The past 3 months have gone by in what seems to be a blur� My second semester at MDC is over and my third has already begun. After all that stress last semester I still managed to pull off all A�s, but I must admit I really had to bust my ass to do it. I�ve regained control of my emotions as of late even though the tumultuousness of my relationship with Monica has not subsided. We got back together back in February and we just recently broke up again a few days ago. Our break ups are so strange as I�m sure everyone already knows. We are still on friendly terms and not much has changed in the physical sense, yet we�re not together. This break up came shortly after we broke up and got back together about a month ago.
I�m not sure what the problem is, I love her and she loves me, yet we always seem to end up in a bad place. The arguing gets progressively worse until it all comes to a crashing halt and we break up only to realize how impossible it is to not be together. This time after she got angry, broke up with me, and calmed down she said what she really wanted was some time and space. I�m not sure if that�s what she really wants or if she just said that, but now I�m beginning to think it is the best thing for us. She has her issues and I have mine and perhaps we are simply not prepared to take on the full weight of this relationship at this point in time.
To say I wish things were different is an understatement. I wish things were perfect between us or at the very least good. The other night I had a dream that I had actually been able to go back in time to the first time I met her in our 9th grade English class. In my dream I went back and did everything different and our relationship was wonderful. What that dream made me realize is that I did so many things wrong. I said the wrong things, I did the wrong things, I implied and denied the wrong things, I caused her more pain than any woman should ever have to endure, and it pains me so to know things could be right between us now if I had simply done things differently. Our love used to be like a flame, but slowly over time I extinguished that flame with my foolish behavior.
Too often I try to blame her for our problems, too often I point the finger and blame her anger, but as of late I�ve come to realize that I�m a big part of the problem as well. She might get angry and say mean things, but I say mean things to her as well and I provoke her. She�s right to say I�m not supportive, but the honest truth is that I don�t mean to put her down or make fun of her. My personality has always been that way. Me and my friends always would make fun of each other and we would all laugh together, but I sometimes forget that she isn�t one of my friends anymore, she�s my girlfriend. Maybe time �apart� is the best thing for us� When she broke up with me she mentioned that I stand in her way of progress. I know she was mad when she said it, but people tend to be pretty honest when they�re mad. I don�t want to stand in her way, I just want her to be happy even if it�s at the expense of my happiness.
Sometimes at night, when I can�t sleep, I used to imagine our future. I was in the grocery store the other day and I imagined how great it would be to do those simple things together, to split the grocery list, and go home together to OUR home and put away our groceries and sit on our couch and snuggle until it was time for bed� They�re dreams and only dreams, this I know, but some dreams come true� I�m sure she wouldn�t believe it, but my foremost desire is to be with her. If I failed out of law school, never found my ideal job, was never accepted by my family, never was able to have or adopt children, none of it would matter as long as I had her by my side. The sky could fall, the earth could fall out of orbit, the sun could cease to rise, the moon no longer shine, time as we know it could come to an end and as long as our love survived, as long as the essence of what and who we are still continued, then I would be happy. Likewise, I would rather spend one day in her arms doing nothing more than simply listening to the sound of her heartbeat than to spend all of eternity without her. It�s so painful to love someone with all your heart and have to wonder if being with them is the right thing to do. Sometimes, for her sake I think it would be better if I just forced myself to move on. Maybe I really am standing in the way�
I guess I was wrong, I don�t have as much control over my emotions as I thought. It�s just so hard to be in love with someone and for things not to work out. So few people are lucky enough to find that one true love that they want to spend forever with, and even fewer are lucky enough to not throw that love away. Here were are, 18 and 19 years old and we found each other, we found our soul mate, but we can�t make it work� It�s frustrating and distressful.
Well I still have a lot of work to do, so better get to it. It helps to get some stuff out, I�ll definitely have to try to keep this updated.
Pain� some people believe it�s relative, some people think that the mind can control it and in essence rid themselves of it. I consider myself to be someone who has a high threshold for physical pain. When I had my eyebrow pierced I barely flinched, when I busted my lip in a car accident at the age of 4 my dad wondered why I didn�t cry, and when I pull razors across my skin the tears I cry aren�t because of the physical pain. That brings me to my next point, although I have a high tolerance for physical pain, I have very for emotional pain. I�m extremely emotional, almost to the point where it can become self-damaging.
Truth be told, I cry a lot, probably more than I should. When I argue with someone and they say something that hurts me, my tears build in my eyes and then I get angry at myself for letting them get to me and make me cry. It can be something small, something most people would let roll of their back, but to me words are like jagged pieces of glass cutting in to the innermost secret places of my soul. They hurt more than any pain I could cause myself, they hurt more than any black eye or busted lip, and they definitely hurt more than jagged glass cutting through skin hurts. Skin is sensitive, that is true, but my soul and my heart are so much more delicate. Sometimes I wonder if she knows that, I wonder if she uses it against me.
No, I don�t mean to be enigmatic. What I mean is that she knows what buttons to push and what words to say to tear into me. She picks her weapons carefully and she yields them with the mastery of a great warrior; her enemy not being a belligerent country or rival nation� no, her adversary is my heart. The very thing I placed in her hands and begged her to protect, the one possession that is mine to give freely, the one precious treasure which I have to offer the person I love, and she treats it recklessly and with disregard. I know, more obscurity and little clarity, well perhaps I should explain why I feel this way�
She told me yesterday she wanted to come over to study if my mom had to work. I told her I�d call her in the morning and let her know if she was working the late shift of early shift. I called her around 11am and she called me back a little while later. Between me calling and her calling me back I talked to my friend Jacky (my ex who I am on friendly terms with actually) and she asked me how things were going with Monica and I told her the truth, that we were ok, but we broke up a few days ago. It was the truth and I wasn�t going to lie to her about it, she would have known I was lying if I tried to, so there was no point. While talking to her my cell phone rang and since I don�t get reception in my house and it was Monica, I hung up the phone and called her back. When I did she asked me who I was talking to and although I hesitated for a moment I told her who and she immediately asked if I had told her about us breaking up. I said yes and she got angry. She thinks I did it so that I could go date Jacky, but that�s not the case at all. I just don�t understand her, I love her more than I ever thought humanly possible and she still thinks I want to be with someone else. Granted, a relationship with Jacky would be simpler, she is older and well established, but it would be out of convenience and not love. I�m not in love with Jacky anymore even though I care deeply for her. Monica on the other hand I am very much in love with, even if to some people this kind of love may seem unhealthy and self-destructive; the heart wants what it wants�
Nonetheless, she was angry with me about telling Jacky and began to argue with me. I can�t and won�t apologize for being honest with Jacky, it felt nice to talk to someone other than her about our problems and more importantly how I feel. We argued about that for a while and than she moved on to hinting that I didn�t want her to come over which is not at all true. I miss her and for me, unlike most people, I feel like weekends are the worst part of the week because our parents are usually home and we don�t get to see each other. The whole time during our conversation she kept making comments that she knew were hurtful and some that she knew would anger and provoke me, but I told her I wasn�t going to let her anger me. She kept saying she was gonna hang up and it was probably mistake not to just let her go, but I hate to hang up the phone with unresolved issues lingering amidst. After a while I guess she lost all sense of emotion and just began to say mean things without so much as reacting to my obvious pain at hearing such words and comments. I can tolerate a lot before I show her that I�m upset, but she called me a �stupid bitch� I just couldn�t pretend I wasn�t hurt anymore. I went completely silent which she knows is the way I get right before I start to cry. She said �hello,� but I didn�t answer, she said it again and I was silent, then she finally said bye at which point I hung up the phone. I won�t present myself as an angel because I am far from it, but when it comes to our relationship/friendship, using degrading language is simply out of the question. AS far as I�m concerned, there are two things foundationally necessary for a relationship: trust and respect. Talking to me the way she does and putting me down shows a complete lack of respect. If I wasn�t in love with her I wouldn�t put up with it, but again there�s the dilemma of my heart� it wants what it wants; who am I to stand in its way.
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Date: Same Time: 7:16PM Mood: Frustrated Songs Playing: Something Corporate �Globes and Maps,� Something Corporate �Bad Day,� Fuel �Bad Day,� Simple Plan �Perfect, You Don�t Mean Anything, � Nickelback �Do This anymore, Figured You Out, Someday, Because of You, Believe It or Not,� Metallica �Nothing Else Matters,� Red Hot Chili Peppers �Scar Tissue, Other Side�
We�ve talked a couple of times since she hung up on me last time. She�s still angry with me and she has no problem showing it. She shows such reckless disregard for my emotions and feelings, it�s hard to believe she�s the same person when she�s angry. Before we broke up I told her I wanted her to seek help, see a psychiatrist or other professional that could help her control her anger, but she refused at first saying she didn�t have time, my personal opinion is that she�s afraid of what she might find out, I don�t think she wants to hear that she does have a real problem. Recently she said she might go see one, but it�s a shame that we have to break up for her to consider seeking help. Perhaps this time apart will give her a chance to work on her issues.
People have said a lot of mean things to me and I�ve spurred my fair share of obscenities at people, but when hurtful words come from someone you love they seem to hurt so much more. If a complete stranger had called me a �stupid bitch� it would have hurt a little or made me angry. These same exact words, coming from her, feel like daggers cutting through the vulnerable layers of my heart. She knows she has the ability to do this with just her words, yet she says them all the same. When she called me the last time I had just gotten out of the shower and told her I�d call her as soon as I got dressed. She was upset, but I got dressed and did my hair and called her back 10-15 minutes later. When she picked up she was mad at me and made no significant attempt to veil it. She was being rude, confrontational and when she started using crude language and telling me to shut up I reached my boiling point. I told her that she had no right to talk to me that way and that she wasn�t my mother (who wouldn�t talk to me that way anyway). I told her I didn�t need to be talked to that way and that I wasn�t going to talk it, so I said bye and hung up. It�s been about an hour and half and still she hasn�t called to give so much as an apology� Sometimes I wonder how things would be if I talked to her that way and I lost my temper with her even half as much as she loses it with me, then I realize that if I did that she and I would not have lasted almost 2 � years.
I know I�m not perfect, I never claimed to be. I�ve made more mistakes than I care to remember with her, but that�s in the past. She still seems to hold on to all of that anger and honestly it would be unreasonable of me to expect her to let it all go, but if she can�t let go of enough of that anger to have a healthy relationship with me, then it�s time for me to cut my loses. I�m not the captain of that ship anymore, I�ve lost all control of the direction of our relationship, the water is flooding the deck and maybe it�s time for me to jump ship�
