An Image to Heal
    The definition of self image seems simple enough, it is what you think of yourself, but how simple is that really? When I look in the mirror, a million things race through my mind. Some of them are negative, some of them are positive and some of them are simply frightening. Several things influence the thoughts that run through my mind; television, family and friends and music are at the top of my self image-influence list. My concept of self has been developing since early infancy and will most likely continue to develop and change throughout the duration of my life.
    Most people develop their self image at a very young age with the help of their parents, siblings and relatives. I took a psychology class in eleventh grade and my teacher, Dr. Keiffa Burnett, explained to us that if a child is brought up in an environment that promotes love and acceptance, the child is much more likely to begin his or her life with a positive self image. Likewise, if a child is brought up in an environment that is very critical and steers the child away from self-acceptance, then it is likely that the child will begin to develop a poor self image. The way our parents treat us and the attachments we make to them are essential in helping us form our first ideas and concepts of self. There are, however, many other factors that come into play.
    I consider television to be one of the most influential branches of media that we have available today. Growing up I remember watching movies and television shows and thinking how pretty the women on T.V. were. Most of the women that were on T.V. were unrealistically beautiful and even the women who played the underdogs were skinny and gorgeous. During my teenage years I watched more sitcoms like Friends and shows like Dawson's Creek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The actresses that had lead roles were stereotypically perfect with slim bodies, large breasts and unblemished skin. I felt as though women with my body type did not belong on television and that idea reinforced my preconceived notion that women with my body type had no place in mainstream society.
    Mainstream society is filled with images of slim women who are cosmetically enhanced to look like Barbie dolls. Mainstream music such as Pop and Rap are flooded with images and messages that I personally feel promote poor self image. With singers like Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilera, young girls are being fed the idea that being skinny and wearing provocative clothes is what makes you beautiful. The lyrics in a lot of Rap songs objectify women. Many rappers sing about fine, hot and sexy women, they than cast slender women with big breasts and big buttocks' in their music videos. This sends out the message that those women are what men consider to be beautiful and sexy.
    When I started middle school I began to listen to music more often. My first experiences were with what most of my peers were listening to, Rap and Pop music. Most of the songs and videos made me feel bad about my body and by the time I reached my second year of middle school, I was fed up with the messages in the music. I changed my social circle, changed the music I listened to, changed the way I dressed and most importantly, I changed the way I looked at and saw myself. I started listening to rock, punk and alternative music. I found that although some of the songs may have messages similar to those of Pop and Rap music, in general the lyrics were more honest, thought provoking and easier to relate to.
    High school was a completely new experience for me. In middle school there were certain girls that dressed provocatively, but in high school it seemed like all of the female   upperclassmen were dressing provocatively. There I was on my first day of high school, dressed in baggy JNCO jeans, a tee shirt  two sizes too big, and an old pair of Vans tennis shoes. Meanwhile, there were literally hundreds of girls walking past me wearing form fitting jeans and shirts that were two sizes too small. It was the closest thing to a culture shock that I had ever had the misfortune of experiencing. I went home, looked in the mirror and asked myself how I was ever going to survive at a school where I was so obviously different.
    My first year of high school was hell. I did not really have any friends, I was too self-conscious to talk to anyone. When people spoke to me I would always wonder what they were thinking, if they were secretly laughing behind my back, if they were just trying to talk to me so they could make me look stupid and than make jokes about me. My self image and my self esteem were almost nonexistent. I reached the point where I knew that if I did not let go of my paranoia, learn to love myself, and begin to trust people enough to let them be a part of my life, I would never be happy or have a fulfilling relationship. Slowly I began letting go of some of my fears and I became friends with some really nice people. Sometimes I like to think they were the ones who changed me, but in reality I know it had always been up to me.
   Television is a very powerful tool that the fashion industry uses to destroy young women's self-esteem, thus causing them to spend money on beauty products and trendy clothes which ultimately means profits for the fashion industry. It is a vicious cycle that I thankfully managed to escape at a fairly young age. Family and friends still have somewhat of an effect on the way I view myself, but I no longer let their opinions affect me to the point where I start losing love or respect for myself. Music is a very big part of my life. Although the messages in a lot Pop, Rap and even some of Rock songs still send out distorted images of feminine beauty, for the most part I can identify with and find understanding in much of the rock and alternative music I listen to. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never measure up to our society?s standards of beauty and that is ok because what is important is that I measure up to my own standards. I have learned that happiness is a state of mind, it is a conscious decision we must make. It is a decision that I make everyday, one that I constantly have to remind myself of.
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