Pains of the Past
Remembering cold winter nights
When he would tuck me tightly into bed.
When sweet thoughts of him floated in my head.
And blissful ignorance was still mine
He walked out the door one morning,
But he didn't come home that night.
Didn't come to tuck me in
Didn't come home to fight.
I missed the stories he told me
I missed piggy back rides and wrestling fights.
I missed the sound of his voice
Missed his advice and insights.
He would call every now and than
Just to check in and make sure we were okay,
Called one day and asked to come home
And mom said yes cause what else could she say?
I woke up one Sunday morning
And on the end of my bed he sat.
Wearing his favorite Knick?s jacket
And his prized beige Kango hat.
I wrapped my arms around his neck,
And I asked if he was going to stay.
He kissed my forehead and whispered,
"Yes baby, for eternity and a day"
I thought things were going to be fine,
But screams broke the silence of our nights.
Lost myself in the depths of my imagination
While mom suffered through all the drunken fights.
I remember laying in the darkness,
Crying quietly over her painful cries.
Remembering unexplained bruises and black eyes.
She always covered up for him with her lies.
His anger always got the best of him,
Everything seemed to be going wrong.
He could not control his temper.
His forever and a day did not last long.
He walked his path and we walked ours.
Mom worked hard to support us on her own.
Dad called every night and asked to come home,
And one day mom got tired of being alone.
She let him back into our lives
And he swore to her that he had changed.
Said he wouldn't drink
Said his priorities were rearranged.
Peace was ours  for a while,
But the arguing inevitably began.
I was old enough now to understand,
And I couldn?t escape it no matter how far I ran.
Found myself trapped on a roller coaster.
No way off and no place to go.
Hid all the pain deep down inside;
Watched it tear me apart ever so slow.
Eventually she got tired of living in fear.
Decided that she wasn?t going to watch herself die.
Lost his control and the game was over,
Everything they had once possessed was deemed a lie.
Called me into his room one night and sat me on the bed;
Told me he couldn?t spend his life this way.
Kissed me and said he would always love me.
Walked out the door and out my life the very next day.
I cried like my world had crumbled.
I hated him for leaving me.
All my life he had made empty promises,
And back than the tears wouldn?t let me see.
Told myself he wasn't worth my tears.
I taught myself to not feel ,
My heart was hard towards him.
Learned it was easier to pretend it wasn't real.
Couldn't think of him the same way anymore.
No man should treat the ones he loves that way.
Hatred built in my heart and tore me apart.
Blinded me more and more each day.
Dad thought I hated him.
And for a long time so did I.
But eventually I realized hate is senseless.
Finally let myself feel, let myself cry.
Day by day my heart softened.
But the pain was always there.
Never told him that I still loved
Cause it just didn't seem fair.
Didn't want him to think it was okay,
But I should have told him I love him.
Wish I would have known the cruelness of time,
Wish I would have known the end was so near and grim.
Never again did I see my father's face.
Never got to get the truth out.
His conscience was heavy with guilt
He was laid  to rest with his contrite doubt.
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