There are virtually no resources available specifically for children of abused parents. By writing this, I hope other people will know they're not alone. My email address is at the bottom of the piece, if anyone would like to talk.

Please don't take the following as writ in stone; I haven't found any other children of abuse survivors to talk with so I don't know if my experiences and reactions are "normal" or not. They're just my experiences and reactions.

When I was 20 years old, my mother dropped a bombshell on me: she had been emotionally, physically and sexually abused by her stepfather, from the time she was 9 years old until she was about 14. My father knew and my mom's best friend knew, but aside from some other family members who were there when it happened, no one else in the family was aware of it. My mom kept it a secret for over 40 years.

What did I experience when she told me? Love. Anger. Respect. Admiration.

Love for my mom, who despite her experiences, defied the odds, married a wonderful man and raised several fabulous, beautiful children (if I do say so myself).

Anger at the man who did this to her and the people, including my grandmother, who did nothing to stop it.

Respect for the tremendous act of will that it took my mother to survive and move on, when she could have easily given up.

Admiration for the courage it took for her to finally start talking about what happened to her.

If you're a parent who's been abused and wondering when/if you should tell your children, let me reassure you that not for one instant did I feel ashamed or embarrassed, and in no way did I blame my mother for what happened to her.

In fact, I love and respect her even more now that I have a fuller picture of what her childhood was like and what she had to overcome.

If one of your parents has just told you about their abuse, you may feel like your world has been turned upside down.

It's difficult, but try be to be patient, don't push for details. Right now, your parent probably just wants you to listen to what he or she is telling you. I still have a lot of questions, but I don't want to be the one to bring up such a painful topic with my mom. I don't know if this is the best way to deal with my thoughts and feelings, but it's what I'm doing for now.

If you feel a need to talk, try talking with one of your other family members or a close family friend who's aware of the abuse. Since my mom and I aren't all that close, I talk to my dad and sister a lot.

Know that the aftershocks will continue. For me, eight years later, I'm still dealing with it. I realize now that my mother's lack of respect for my privacy was probably because her childhood left her with no idea of personal boundaries. As a result, I guard my privacy over-zealously and tend to be unforgiving of those who betray my trust. I expect other revelations and insights will come in time.

Realize that anger is completely normal. My step-grandfather is probably dead by now; I never knew him, so most of my anger is directed toward my grandmother. I've not had the courage or desire to confront her and don't know that I will. She's in a nursing home and while she's coherent, her memory isn't very good and her physical health is failing.

Write. One thing that's helped me is to write down my feelings and experiences. Get a journal. Or try writing a letter (not to be mailed, but to vent) to the abuser. This can be a scary exercise, because you'll find yourself writing things that sound awful, cruel, unthinkable, but it's useful to vent your feelings in a safe way.

Above all, know that you're not alone. Connect with others who've had similar experiences. The email list AsOfNow is a good place to start, and there are several good resources listed on their website. Additionally, I can be reached at [email protected]. As of June 2002, I've taken over the Daughters of Demeter online support group, stepping in when the founders had real-life conflicts. DoD is a safe, nuturing place for Pagan women survivors of sexual abuse, assault or incest.