Such a cold, harsh word
For such an unexplicable emotion
It holds lonely days
Puddles of tears
And nights of unrest
Between it's rigid letters
And yet, somehow,
The suit one another
So there is sense
In all this madness
My white dress and veil
Still hang in the closet of my memory
My bouquet of roses
Is still growing in my garden of life
My diamond ring
Is sitting, sparkling on the shelf of my dreams
And my heart is still wrapped
Up in a package
With a big red bow
Waiting for you to discover it
On your breakfast room table
or feel without feeling
or love without loss
but i keep crawling back to the cave that is loneliness
and keep thinking thoughts of the things i have lost
i remember the days when the sun shone much grander
and the laughing and smiles that together we shared
but i'm alone in the clouds that are turning much grayer
and you're still out of reach, though you're there.
it's funny how when i lived in los angeles
i thought my life would be better if i was not there
but back in my house the beauty has faded
and i still feel trapped in despair.
My mind seems to look down on scenes of what's passing
and never remains in my head.
i see myself strangled, i'm dead or i'm dying
but saying i'm fine instead.
i can't pinpoint this weakness that makes me a nomad
i'm so put at rest when i don't have a home
and i'm fine when i'm drifting to some distant purpose
i find that i'm better when i'm free to roam.
my car feels so comforting, the tilt of the seats
and the droning it makes when it runs
it has heard all my secrets, it's heard me still crying
or singing at top of my lungs.
the window has changed the look of the scenery
and the passenger change with the view
but it never feels stifling or strangling or muddy
it makes life seem fresh and so new
i am reminded of places yet to be visited
and voices of ghosts of what life has been
the idling of motors calls dreams from subconsciousness
and leaves everyday life feeling thin.
i know that i need to get out of my ways
of escape as a calming act
but i keep my serenity and sanity tied
when my clothes and belongings are packed.
the room was still dark.
last night's conversation
still drummed in my ears.
and the pain can't escape
except through my eyes
so it streamed down my cheeks into tears.
i emptied myself of the things i was hiding,
not wanting to speak of the demons i've kept
locked up in my mansion that i call my weaknesses,
building thick blockades
in the walls of my head.
you eyes look expecting
so i can't even look.
why should i be blessed to see love in your glance?
i am thrust down, i'm dirty, i grow from the gutter
the reason i'm here is because of my past.
i've killed then i've lost.
i kill me. i've lost sight.
though grace is still calling
i've blocked out the light.
i've closed all my windows,
i've pulled all the shades,
i'm contented to live with the night.
let me hide in my darkness,
the things that i've lived through.
let me bury the bodies
of things i have lost.
let me hold on so softly
to the fact that you love me.
let me create this new life
let me call you my home.
these devils grow restless,
they want to be shared,
and go scratching and clawing
to be shown and released.
they tell me they'll ruin me
and put me back in that gutter
with no one for company
and no hope for life.
i was growing accustomed to
pulling the blinds up
and letting the sun shine
on scales of my justice.
i'm none but the judge of
my own will and conscience
and instead of the darkness
i was choosing the light.
The scowling is over
the shrieking is memory
and the scales of the monsters
are turning to ash.
as i look out my window
i'm reminded of beauty
and for once i am free to relax.
thin sheets of paper
thick layers of dust
the corners coming up
to reveal their blackness underneath
the dust sliding
under the pressure of
raining black thoughts
shaking, raising
twirling through the air
the dirty devil
that sticks to my skin
and clings to my lungs
making my eyes water
i never wanted to see you again
demons of my past
go under the dust
let me go on living
don't nip at my heels
in a frenzy to be remembered
you are my ball and chain.
and i am the warmer half.
the willing in the battle
i lay down my arms
and bow my eyes
to you
take me home again and out of these
crowded streets where i'm lost
in the confusion of the
passing glances
please take me by suprise again
show me your grace when i expect
your anger
take me in your arms
when i thought to be pushed away
just don't leave me on your doorstep
feeling tired and alone
raise my chin to meet your eyes
and let me find something there
pent-up heat
friction
bouncing off the walls of my head
ring that seems deafening
lesser hello
the tone in your voice
turns from hot to cold
but never warm.
this has happened before
though we've no conversation
forgive yourself
and forgive me
there's nothing i want but to
be loved by you
this friction is unneccesary
i don't remember how
it started
why was i the act that
set the ball in motion
from now on i'll keep my mouth shut
or else
have to stay up late nights
finding the words
and formulating thoughts
that are driving to madness
the white paper makes me feel
warm and emptied
of these nagging frictions.
they can be released
from my mind where i
house them
it's almost like i invite them to
stay for a while
though i want them gone.
i chose the wrong evenings
to deal with heartbreak
the ones that need early mornings
in the hours to come to lift me from bed
fresh from my dreaming
but still bruised by
the friction the night's pressed.
God help me not to press
this in my memory
let me forget, help me to heal
always these things become a fresh wound
and i'm binding my heart
not to be touched again.
this man i do love and
i'll love him tomorrow so
tonight make me thankful
and end all this hurt.
the confusion's unnessecary
and the friction was gardened
from nothingness.
let me love more and worry less.
heat tied in so thick you can see it
drifting through cavities of space unreal,
spitting it's poison in innocent ears.
It's grasping at faces not expecting the touch
of unreal visions.
they don't give up their task
unless torn from the hallways that
they call their home, the blackness
increasing the measures of notes.
waking is careless and looses the touch
of the beauty i thought we were sharing,
but the alleys and tunnels draw closer to light
and the blackness outside calls them back,
calls them home.
the pent-up frustration make mirages of obstacles,
all of these phantoms spoke silent words.
the chords on the instruments
were played with no strings
and there's no one here noticing but me.
this room is now empty, you've taken your hallways,
your lights and your chords, but you leave my room empty.
as your car starts outside the silence becomes
more than i'll bear. through the still dying
night the darkness gets deeper, the voices and
strangling come creeping back in.
I resist and i fight them, but they've found their purpose
and i'm here scratching letters on my notebook again.
you cloud my heart
and cloud my eyes with falling emotion
bursting, streaming down my cheeks
a salty taste to kill the sweetness.
my eyes sting true to the tugging in my heart
it warms and swells, then melts and falls
it draws me up, you tear me down
to take me back years where i still
fumbled in the darkness
when i see clearly, the mask replaces vision
you make me blind again.
it's a lonely ride back down
and finds me face down on concrete floors
bruising and worn.
the dusted wings of stagnant hearts
grow tired of flapping
and lay down, a slave
to the shadows of self-doubt
and self-made romance.
i fall for you, i fall too fast.
i never want to see you go.
he'll steal the world for you.
the teeth that glint too cleanly
are exposed to too much air
the corners of the mouth
that arch just right
show signs of too much wear
smiles worn like jewelry
don't have half the charm
of those that show
only when not told
and given without a care
his smiles are so addictive
if i don't take notice
i find i'm wearing one myself
and choke back tears
that once fallen
will be regretted.
i will be contented if only
to dream of you
each night.
i have never been so thankful
that in dreaming
i have senses.
it's the only way
we shall ever
touch.
computor screens, their static calling
to tire my ears and glaze my eyes
afraid to dream, for dreaming ends
and every new day starts the same
so stay awake, and shun your eyes
from realms of those that could have been
or should have been, or should so be
to fall to sleep when reason fails
the mind too tired to haunt my dreams
i'm tired of being the dreamer
that never lives the dreams
I am one who never wished to be a buisnesswoman and never wanted to leave any behind the people I cared for and the things I love. Now here I am in this dirty city, just one among the swarms, not identifiable, for all that matters is blond hair and quirky personalities. In this city, the mind means nothing, it is just the ability to act and the outside shrink wrapping of the person. Here I am, staring down at rooftops littered with smog and grime, cars carrying anxious people to their next meaningless task. It seems they are in a great hurry to get there and accomplish their nothings that built this city into the empire of the wealthy and good-looking. The poet and the genius go unrecognized, and hide somewhere in a dark cafe I have yet to find, for who cares about integrity? It is the alchohol and one-night stands that drive the chains and turn the wheels of this cold city nightlife. Cash in the palm, it empties the head, and it seems that one must go to great length to keep their thoughts from flying out their ears and keep publicized ideas from streamlining in.
just as some color their eyes to disguise the darkness they see
Some color their hair to hide the output of who they are
Some push up their breasts to show more flesh and draw attention away from their dull personalities
of what you are
and who you'll be
curious acquisitions
i'm not what i seem
you spit out like venom
through tightly clenched teeth
i can't help but wonder if
it gets tired from all the pressure
your jaw, and your mind
but you claim it's cause of me
you sit in your black bubble
bouncing hate off the walls of your head
they rise like smoke from your brain from nothing
and form into words, the darkest phantoms
they haunt while i'm away
but sting when i'm here
like scorpions, i'm the prey
you stab and send me writhing
squirming, gasping for air
for i can't breathe in darkness
it's better when i'm not here
Flightily changing their styles and minds
Abruptly with spurts at the end of each season
Shallowly grasping at public desires, these
Heros of beauty make all seem refined, make
Innocent those with the most devious of taste.
Once as they were, the child decieving
None but themselves in their skins and their leathers
hollywood- the land of bribing and whining
squeeze in your cheeks and stick out your breasts
empty your pocketbook for misguided gifts
swollen heads still strive for oxygen
slave to the addiction of
their greedy ears and sticky hands
so here's my finish line
all my fears have been foretold
my suspicion is truly mine
i've vented all my feelings
like a vent that spurts forth heat
turning mechanisms
mouth not missing beeats
i vomited my revelations
from my mind through tainted breath
the taste of you, it stains my mouth
like rotting carcasses
of hope and love and all you spoke
through thinly smiling lips
the lies of eyes expecting
the staleness of your kiss
misread, mislead, misunderstood
i see through rosey glass
all i care to see or hear
and not what comes to pass
so is it you or is it me
that fuels this empty pain
all your actions, all your words
show i'm the one to blame
My ears are ringing
My eyes are burning
All I want is to be home
I just want to be alone
To smell the salt within the air
Hear the crashing of the waves
Feel my toes sink in the sand
By the sea I understand
The others, but me most of all
The cool breeze, stars overhead
The stillness of a summer night
The beauty fights away the fear
And everything will be alright
Please turn off the neon lights
For once, just let night be night
And not a source for advertising
Nothing is less appetising
This city noise, it drives me crazy
My ears are ringing
My eyes are burning
dark and sharp like octogons
single flame from single candle
black walls, black floor, purple doors,
silver knobs.
Echoing and breezy,
darkness spreading out forever.
The farther I walk, the farther it seems.
I turn around.
It is the same in each direction.
I can only go foreward or back.
These doors, are they locked?
The metal knob is cold to the touch.
It burns like icy fire.
I shake it away, but it still stares back
with it's reflective eye.
It laughs at me
and makes me the weaker of us both.
The doors are wooden and grainy
Thick with dull paint
And carved with four rectangles
I run my finger through the niche
It stings
I turn my hand over
a thinly cut line across my finger
It glistens and spreads
Red blood rises slowly
Creating a puddle on my skin.
Long and thin.
Glistening in the candlelight.
Red.
My skin is white, I almost glow
A contrast from the purple and the dark
An offset thing in an offset world
I bring my finger to my mouth
It is so salty, but it's sweet
I miss a drop, it falls to my lip
And trickles to the edge
where it taunts it's fate
It screams
"I am of you!
You have created me!"
Just as I built this hall and
Locked these doors
the air thick with suffocation
the atmosphere full of stale topics
thick unoticed words pour from
the teacher's mouth, drip to the floor
crawl across the carpet
climbing and touching the student's legs
who kick them away
like a horse swatting flies
with a lazy second-nature
avoid the stale bread
even if there's nothing else to eat
pour through one ear
out another
a moment through the brain
unoticed ghosts of words
peering through the eyes like windows
downcast onto small lined paper
dabbed in sketches, notes, and thoughts
some related, some are not
all have elsewhere on their minds
Ignorant new teacher
no one answers questions
no one meets her eyes
thinly stuffed trophies
of this season's designers
heads held slightly higher
plastic noses to the air
sniffing out competition
passing threatning glares
logos on all purses
glasses perched on hair
perfectly shiny manicures
on fingers thin and fair
toes squeezed tight into pointed boots
thighs poured into pants
breasts perky, fresh, and sheen
of silicone implants
emptiness
a hole inside
drilled and widened by humans
and still we crave for more
sometimes i think my hole inside
becomes so large
it is bigger than my body
a cavity inside me
large enough to put a vase of wilted flowers
flowers like me
filled with self
filled with striving
this cavity
until i find another
who fills the space with thick
pink smoke of caring
but smoke blows easily
easily blown away
what remains?
a cavity
the cavity within myself
it is constant
it never changes
but for the color of the smoke
Stop the moving parts
Put the board back in the box
I quit this game of hearts
I simply can't be charming
I can't so that sashay walk
I can't batt my eyelashes
I can't giggle when I talk
All those things you pride girls for
I can never be
I may be clumbsy but I'm real
And who I am is me
What I hoped could never be
And my hopes and my emotions
Have been crushed so desperately
My bubble of achievement
Has finally been crushed
With one small word from one small voice
Without one single touch
I saw you standing on the stair
With drunken anticipation
To get me out and bring her in
With intented invitation
I watched you staring at her
And sharing of your life
She nodded with her blank expression
So common in nightlife
And all these women
All these girls
Will take you far away
Their ignorance is killing me
With their pantomime display
Their mindless brains
Their drunken eyes
Their done up hair
And stumbling strides
Their whining voice
Back-stabbing knives
Their giddiness
And giggliness
Their hopelessness
Their ignorance
The envy and the jeolousy
Of what they think they see
Their fussy sexuality
They take you far away
To a place I cannot be
They take you far away
From me
you're still not there
you still don't care
and my cheast still heaves
with fallen dreams
my ears still scream
the sound of you
and here i am as i've always been
strangled, sad, and true
Emotion in my waking thoughts
That's trying to break through
To marr the spell you've put on me
And banish all my lovestruck dreams
And tarnish all my silly thoughts
of you
It rings and rings
Your voice on the line again
But not talking to me
Do you just take advantage of caller ID
Or do you not answer because it is me
I hear myself speak in my stuttering silliness
Blurting out words that are hidden with meaningness
Do you even hear tham and will you respond
Or must it be impossible to corrospond
I've waited so long for your voice on the line
I keep telling myself that I'll be just fine
But my chest is still tugging
My heart is still beating
Do you even care I'm alive
Or have I been placed in your archives
I want to hear you
To see you
To touch you
To feel you
Oh, why can't you give me the chance?
Do you hate me
despise me
distrust me
dislike me
Is there not a hope for romance?
Are my feelings just plain circumstance?
My mouth is shut but my eyes are awake
I feel like I just might suffocate
Something inside me is dying
I'm trying
To deal with this sorry heartbreak
To see it as just a mistake