Open door policy: "Tell us what you really think so we can cull the troublemakers." Never fall for this. Instead, praise your boss and their boss, publicly, specifically and often. Don't take advantage of any so-called confidentiality promises, and don't put anything in writing. Ignore your sullen co-workers who call you a brown-nose--they'll be out in the cold when the next round of budget cuts comes.

Walk through open door
It quickly slams in your face
Don't believe the lie.

A "no walls" company: "We're not profitable yet so you don't get a cubicle. Oh, and bring your own cell phone. D'you have a laptop, too? Did we mention that sometimes payroll is a little ... late?"

No walls or borders
Sounds like great freedom at first
Alas, no budget.

Professional development: This is a trap to catch the people who want to learn or improve job skills so they can flee like rats off a sinking ship. If you sign up for this, you may as well redo your resume, because your ass is going to be "right-sized," and I don't mean with a Tae-Bo workout.

Update your skill set
At the company's expense
Too good to be true.

Who is Elgie Hei-Wu? She's a thirtysomething college-loan defaulter who would have voted for Clinton if she thought it mattered. The newest musical group she picked up off pop radio was the Crash Test Dummies. She's recently moved from a worker-bee university environment into the turbulent dot-com world and resents the fact that kids born a decade later are starting out making more than half again what she is at the same dot-com. Life's a bitch.

Oh, and if you happen to see the cushy job, Club Med vacation, house and shiny new car she was supposed to be handed on a silver platter when she finished her liberal arts degree back in 1990, please let her know.

Whippersnappers, go
home, and give me your paychecks
Don't forget the keys.