things aren't turning out like i had hoped they would, and every day i give up on the whole idea of it a little more.

india wasn't what i needed it to be. i didn't get away, i fell deeper in, and when i came back nothing had changed and i felt even worse. school doesn't seem to hold anything for me anymore. my major is going nowhere, half of my classes bore me out of my skull and the rest i dont have time to put full effort into. id love to take a smaller load next semester and focus on what i love, but that pesky health insurance hangs on my status as a full time student. and besides, what else have i got? even my job depends on my being a student. school is eating me alive.

additionally, it has recently come to my attention that i don't really have that one person that i can talk to about my shit, a real best friend, you know...? or, i guess, i imagine that i do, but anyone who even begins to qualify lives in another state, or another country...maybe i'll just move to arizona after all this is done. fresh starts.

i dont feel like i can trust the people who are close to me anymore. im becoming less sure everyday that these little clubs they're forming without me are just figments of my imagination. nobody needs me anymore.

i cant tell if its people changing or just me getting tired. the longer i stay anywhere the less i care about anything, and the minute i leave, all i want to do is go back. i cant afford to leave anymore, i cant afford hardly anything anymore. im fucking broke.

in my mind there is this constant lingering thought, "i just want to go home", but i dont know where that is anymore. things dont get better when i go home. they dont get better when i go anywhere.

and i dont know who to tell about it.



i apologize to anyone who comes across all these depressing entries. turns out i never feel like writing when im happy.