I do not know what goes through all SI'ers head when they harm. I barly know what is going through mine, i don't know if how i started is normal for SIers but never the less this is how it all started. New years eve 2000 was the first time i harmed, i used a razor, i did not remove the plastic. I was new at it all but ive learnt since then. I dont intially remember it i do how ever remember the cuts and the blood and how i was amazed at how such a little cut could bleed so much.
I think i felt ugly both outside and in. I had had an accident a few years ago, bitten through my lower lip and also a split the skin and recived multiple fractes to my nose. i had to have 35 sitiches in all on my face, i have a very obviouse scar on my lower lip and my nose is very brad because it was never reset. On returning to school i recived a lot of jokes at my expence, which i didnt really find amusing and spent most nites crying about and refusing to go to school i dint go for 4 weeks and did not like to be in public. When i was cutting it was kinda of a way for punishing myself for being so stupid and ugly. I did not cut for a while after this, but i knew i had a secret and i would keep it quite as long as i could...
Few months pass and i would cut more often, when feeling alone, angry, sad, lost, stupid, or just plain hating myself or my actions and thought and well just being me. When exams came around I was very bad, i would literally beat myself up for being so stupid and not being able to remember what i had revised. I felt i needed to do better then my sister and brother, i know realise that this was stupid but at the time it ment everything to me. I was well prepared to bleed myself for it. i would cut everyday shallow but many cuts on my thigh or groin.
A year in to self harm, my grandmother died, which kinda left me with a conflict in feeling. Self harm was the perfect way of hushing my emotions and avoid all the confusion,. I missed my nan, but when she was alive although i loved her because she was part of me, i didn not like her for various reasons that im not going to get into. However because of these reasons i beacme ignorent to all of the good stuff she had done for me. My other nan at the time had been diagnosed with Cancer and i was more worried about her then my grand because she had been suffering with a bad heart probelms ever since i was born i rember getting angry at people for askin how my gran was and not how my nan was dealing with her Cancer. When My Gran died i hated myself for being so closed minded and not realising that my nan had changed and was not the same person at the end as she was before. Dont worry i punished myself I decovered burning which to me is the most painful and best ways to remind yourself of how horrible you are beacuse the scars never fade and you will always rember why you did them they are a reminder of you hate for yourself for you actions and thoughts.
While my nan was batteling with her cancer she got meningitus, a very server type in which the doctor did not think she would come out of alive. I used knives to get me through this time and cut the deepest i have ever cut before on my fore arm. After this i pretty much cut evey day, burning whenever things were really bad, scraming myself when people where around so i could still feel pain but no one would notice my scrating my skin under the table till it bleed and stung.
Then summer 2002 can around and a family holiday was planned to portugal, the fag burns on my arm were easily explained the cuts from the razors on my legs had faded, i only burned on my groin area and the burns prior to that on my wrist were easilly covered by my watch. The cuts on my forearm however i knew i would not be able to hide....I knew i was going to get caught.
CONFESSION
I told my sister about my secret that i was dead set on keeping, but i was so scared, and asked if mum or dad asked about my scars to explain then away for me to say they have always being there, I isisted that they were from ages ago whn nan got really bad and i dont cut anymore. She agreed, she was a bit unsettled by my confession but was not ignorent to it as she had studied Psychology at uni and had come across self harm. However my scars were spoted and no amount of explaing made them invisible again. My parents didn not say they knew but i knew they did. after we came home my mother shortly said she knew i was self harming and told me that if i have problems i should go to her. She never once threated my with a seeing a shrink or the doctor but just offred her time and told me she was worried. whilst i thank her for being understanding i cant help but feel anger...at myself because she already has so much worries including, the fact that her mother has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, last thing she need's is so worry about her freak of a daughter. I keep quite and tell her im stopping and i will go to her when im worried about things.
I however have not stopped and i think she knows this, I live in fear of the day when my nan passes way i have no idea what i will do or how i will cope, Im hoping i will suprise myself. I still cut scram, pick and burn. it helps me cope i have no desire to die although i have thought about it, I dont think im suicidal and am hoping i will never get that low. the longest I have stopped self harming for is 2 months. But when i started i was the worst i have ever been. I now cut every so often maybe Once every 2 weeks sometimes more. I Aim to stop, and am hoping i have the power to do so but for now, my blade and i do not rest and still have a link that has although been stretched has not being broken and i still cry red tears.
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