>> THE MIDGET MATCH (02/08/13) <<

An excited crowd remains seated, showing their appreciation with a stern applause.

Missy Janson - Our first contest is a special attraction match. It is a Tornado Tag Team Match, scheduled for a one-fall, featuring midgets!

The fans hear the translation, and aren't sure if Missy flubbed a word; no selling her announcement.

Ozzy Osbourne's laugh rings out through the arena, and the opening strains of "Crazy Train" begin. At the top of the ramp, a man pushing a gurney begins to make his way to the ring. Strapped to the gurney at four points and wearing a leather mask is none other than the Mental Midget. At ringside, the larger man produces a hypodermic needle and injects it into the Mental Midget's hip. Working quickly, he unfastens each of the four points of restraint. With his charge free to move, he sprints up the ramp and disappears to the back. The Mental Midget begins to stir. As his first order of business, he removes the mask, moving slowly but gradually speeding up as he hops down from the gurney and climbs into the ring.

The arena lights dim, and hysterical laughter sounds through the arena. "Out Of My Head" by 'Puddle Of Mudd' begins to play, as smoke fills the entrance-ramp and blue strobe lights scan the arena. Onto the ramp, steps what appears to be a very small version of The Jackrabbit; although his blonde hair seems to be a wig, and his shorts are definitely the wrong colour. The Pygmyrabbit begins to walk down the ramp as the music picks up, but stops at the top because he's choking on the smoke. After taking his asthma pump, he then runs and tries to slide into the ring but can't quite pull himself up onto the apron. After three attempts, one of the camera men kindly gives him a boost and he scampers across the mat.

He climbs the nearest turnbuckle, only daring to go up the first rung, and laughs, in so much as he shouts "Har de Har Har!" at the crowd, raising both arms and wriggling the index fingers on each as a couple of the more boisterous Japanese fans politely clap. The Pygmyrabbit then jumps back down, trips over his own feet, and then paces the ring anxiously.

Spotlights are case at the top of the stage, anticipating the Ring Rat's entrance, but instead he rolls out from beneath the apron, appearing in the ring in a matter of moments to the surprise of even his own team. Ring Rat is sporting a Kid Dynamo shirt, not just a shirt with Kid Dynamo's logo, but an actual one of Dynamo's shirts that he had worn in the ring. Ring Rat stands on the middle rope and begins chewing on the top rope, while the Japanese crowd continues their disinterested washroom break.

Missy Janson - And their opponants, accompanied to the ring by Snuggles, at a combined weight of 180 pounds, Sleepy Winters, Pink Mini-Ninja and 'Big Boy' John Grim!

"Well today started bad, with a kick to the head, only been an hour since I went to bed"

The folksy tune of "Let Me Sleep" by The Nadas twangs out over the PA and the curtains are pulled aside by the slinking looking woman in pajamas, Snuggles stepping through and drawing the first positive reaction from the Japanese crowd. Holding the curtain aside, Snuggles watches as Sleepy Winters, John Grim, and the Pink Mini-Ninja file past her, then the pajama clad bimbo skips her way to the ring with overly bouncy steps. Getting down on her hands and knees at ringside, one by one the midgets use her as a stepladder, climbing onto her back and then up to the apron while ignoring the metal ring stairs, Snuggles standing back up once they were in the ring and waiving a stuffed animal back and forth over her head for the crowd. There positive reaction remains while the match is not underway, but eyes rarely venture toward the ring.

Now with every wrestler in their ring and having split into teams, the referee Calvin Mills backs up and calls for the bell; to dead silence.

MIDGET TORNADO TAG TEAM MATCH
JAPAN DIDN'T DEMAND IT, BUT IT'S HAPPENING.
VARIOUS MINI'S FROM AROUND THE WORLD ARE BEING FLOWN TO TOKYO TO TAKE PLACE IN THIS MATCH. THE ONLY WAY TO WIN THIS MATCH IS BY PINFALL OR SUBMISSION INSIDE OF THE RING, BY ANY OF THE COMPETITORS.

The bell sounds and Ring Rat nails "Big Boy" John Grim with a scale model of a picture-perfect dropkick that sends him staggering. He rushes back in with a clothesline that takes him to the mat. Pink Mini-Ninja ties up with Pygmyrabbit and whips him to the ropes. She bends (even farther) down for a back body drop, but Pygmyrabbit hops over with a sunset flip. Sleepy Winters breaks up the pin attempt with a stomp before the referee can even begin to count. "Big Boy" John Grim stomps away at Ring Rat, until he's able to break his momentum and knock him over with a heel pick. Mental Midget comes in behind Sleepy Winters and goes for a blatant choke. Thinking quickly, Winters frees himself with a snap mare and immediately leverages it into a sleeper hold. Mental Midget starts to slump in the hold, but soon bites down on Sleepy's hand, prompting a swift release. Ring Rat and "Big Boy" John Grim exchange shots in the center of the ring, going blow-for-blow until Pink Mini-Ninja goes down on all fours behind Ring Rat. Grim shoves Ring Rat, who is tripped up by Pink Mini-Ninja and falls ass over teakettle. Mental Midget capitalizes on Mini-Ninja's vulnerable position to nail her with a field goal kick to the face. Pink Mini-Ninja slumps to the mat, and Pygmyrabbit follows up with a little splash. Sleepy Winters spins Mental Midget around and peppers his chest with backhand chops. Mental Midget attempts to flat out tackle Winters, but Winters steps aside, losing his balance and rolling back to his feet in something resembling a somersault.

Bobby Shavonie - You know, I have to admit, midgets doing somersaults is kind of entertaining.

Bobby Shavonie - I've been in this business a long time and I still don't know whether or not this is racist.

Pygmyrabbit goes to square off with Pink Mini-Ninja, but seems reluctant. PMN catches him with a kick the midsection which stuns Pygmyrabbit long enough for her to remove a jack from her costume. Before Pygmyrabbit can get his barrings, she jams the jack into his eye.

Nick Burst - She must have PMS. I realize that joke was lazy, but I feel like this whole segment is the equivalent of a half-day.

Pygmyrabbit screams, as the referee finally has mercy and threatens Pink Mini-Ninja with disqualification. She argues with the ref as Pygmyrabbit recovers, who takes the opportunity to lock on a sleeperhold. PMN fights valiantly, as Pygmyrabbit uses his weight to keep her immobile. Sudden, John Grim sneaks up behind Pygmyrabbit and locks on a sleeperhold of his own. Pygmyrabbit struggles, but manages to keep his own hold locked on, as the referee doesn't even seem to know who to question. Having enough of the farce, Mental Midget hits the ropes and bounces off with a not-so-big boot aimed at the jaw of PMN, hitting with enough force to reduce the submission sandwich to a pile of half-sized humanity. With John Grim at the bottom of the pile, Mental Midget further capitalizes and climbs on top, signaling at the ref who drops down for a pinfall. 1... 2... John Grim gets a shoulder up as the midget pile tumbles. As the quarter roll free, Pink Mini-Ninja capitalizes on the close-quarters and locks her legs around the neck of Mental Midget. He struggles for air, but quickly pulls PMN up, looking for a powerbomb attempt, but before he can deliver, Sleepy Winters comes out of nowhere with a chopblock to the back of MM's knee, dropping him on his back with the ninja on top. She grabs one leg for good measure and the ref drops for another count once again. 1... 2... Mental Midget powers out. As Sleepy Winters gets back to his feet, he turns and walks right into a headbutt from the Ring Rat. Sleepy's eyes seem to water at the stink of RR's costume, leaving him wide open for a second headbutt, and a third. Sleepy finally crumples, but before Ring Rat can go for a cover, John Grim points at him, then to his own head.

Bobby Shavonie - It seems "Big Boy" John Grim wants to match craniums with Ring Rat.

Ring Rat obliges, smashing his forehead into that of Grim, who stumbles back but then seems to gather himself. He returns a headbutt of his own, which sends the Ring Rat reeling, but not down. As John Grim pulls his head back for another shot, the Ring Rat pounces, singing his teeth into the neck of Grim, who collapses screaming. The referee grabs Ring Rat by the collar of his rat suit, yanking him off Grim and tossing him casually aside, Ring Rat cleverly slipping beneath the bottom ropes and to the outside. The referee then makes sure to wipe his hand on his pants. On the other side of the ring, Pygmyrabbit gives Sleepy Winters a double dose of slaps, as Mental Midget takes advantage of the stunned Winters long enough to set up for the his DDT. He prepares to deliver the DDT, before he notices Pygmyrabbit motioning to the corner. He releases Winters and turns just in time to see the Pink Mini-Ninja perched atop the second rope, as she flies off and hits him with a body block.

Bobby Shavonie - Burning Soul of Good and Justice and Pink Power Whose Name Can Never Be Known executed to perfection!

Mental Midget hits the canvas with PMN on top, but Pygmyrabbit breaks the pin up before the count even begins. John Grim takes advantage of the confusion and hits Pygmyrabbit with a German suplex that deposits the disciple of Jackrabbit right on his head, finally earning a positive response from the Japanese crowd. Crawling out from beneath the ring with some sort of foreign object in tow, Ring Rat reenters from behind the referee. Both Pink Mini-Ninja and Mental Midget are now trading blows, back and forth with stiff chops to the chest, which elicits a rare reaction from the stoic Japanese crowd. Pink Mini-Ninja is throwing awkward roundhouse kicks in there, when Ring Rat blindsides her with a pogo stick which is twice his size. He staggers, first to the left, then to the right, and finally manages to swing the impromptu weapon; taking out both opponent and ally at the same time, before collapsing on top of his pogo stick. The referee hits the mat to count the pin, 1… 2… only then realizing at the last minute that the stick isn't one of the midget competitors!

Bobby Shavonie - Well normally I'd say you've drank too much scotch, but… I don't even know why the midgets have a pogo stick..

The Pygmyrabbit is up to his feet, but he is met by a stare-down from Sleepy Winters. The two midgets circle the ring, and Sleepy runs for an awkward football-tackle on Pygmy. Pygmy side-steps, causing Sleepy to trip over his feet and land face first against the bottom turnbuckle. Pygmyrabbit is laughing now, a sharp "Har de Har Har!" before he is caught in the face with what appears to be a throwing star made of paper. The paper flops limply to the mat but The Pygmyrabbit begins screaming about a paper-cut! Pink Mini-Ninja capitalizes, shrieking and leaping forward with a haphazard flying kick, but Pygmyrabbit bends over to tie his laces and Pink Mini-Ninja is met by a vicious pogo-stick to the eye, courtesy of Mental Midget.

Bobby Shavonie - Vicious shot by Mental Midget! Pink Mini-Ninja won't be seeing straight for a while!

'Big Boy' John Grim is back in the ring now, and he shoulder-blocks Mental Midget with little effect. This knocks Mental Midget off balance though, causing the pogo stick to come crashing down on top of him. Big Boy stomps around the ring like he's won the match. The Pygmyrabbit turns to face him, and begins laying in to John with a couple of backhand slaps- which John completely no-sells. He roars in Pygmyrabbit's face, despite being a good two inches shorter than him, and begins beating his chest. Pygmyrabbit bends down and lifts Big Boy up into the Alabama Slam position, looking for a Last Laugh! But Pygmy is losing his balance, and he staggers around the ring with Big Boy screaming obscenities on his back. Suddenly Sleepy Winters is back in the ring, and he jumps onto Big Boy's back. He is joined there by Mental Midget and Pink Mini-Ninja, and Ring Rat is on there too. Suddenly all six midgets collapse in a heap in the centre of the ring.

The referee looks back and forth, desparately confused for a moment, then drops into pinfall position, just comparing the top two people on the pile. 1... 2.. Grim throws Mental Midget off the top of the pile, saving himself from pinfall. The referee doesn't bother to even look who is beneath Grim, just restarting the count. 1... Pygmyrabbit rolls Grim off the top of the pile, the two recovering their footing and beginning to exchange blows toward the corner. 1... 2... Mental Midget stands up in an explosion of power that casts both Pink Mini-Ninja and Sleepy Winters off of him, letting out an animalistic howl.

Grim levels Pygmyrabbit with a big boot to the face, knocking him to the canvas. Mental Midget leaps on Grim from behind, mounting him in a piggyback position, then raining down hard fists to the back of his head. Ring Rat races across the ring, springboarding off of the fallen Pygmyrabbit’s back and delivering a stunning drop kick to Winters, which sends him tumbling backwards in a somersault. Pink Mini-Ninja strikes a kung-fu pose behind Rat, then delivers a stunning spinning heel kick which staggers Ring Rat backward against the ropes. Mental Midget slides down Grim’s back, restraining him with a full nelson, while Pygmyrabbit gets back to his feet and begins hammering away at Grim’s ribs. Big Boy kicks at Pygmyrabbit, putting him back and placing some distance between the two, only to have Pygmyrabbit return with a running headbutt to the midsection which forces both Grim and Mental Midget back against the turnbuckles. Pink Mini-Ninja and Winters link hands, delivering a double clothesline to Ring Rat which sends him spilling over the second rope and to the outside of the ring, while Mental Midget shoves Grim back toward the middle of the ring and begins to ascend the turnbuckles. Grim ties up with Pygmyrabbit, hoisting him upside-down into powerslam position, but a missle drop kick from Mental Midget sends Grim to the canvas before he can complete the move. Mental Midget and Pygmyrabbit drag the Big Boy back to his feet, hooking him up for a double ddt, but Pink Mini-Ninja takes Sleepy Winters by the arm, sending him into the ropes with an irish whip and Winters interrupts Mental Midget on the rebound, taking him out with a running shoulder block. Pygmyrabbit hoists Grim upright into vertical suplex, then just lets go and drops him abruptly on his head. The Japanese audience cheers for the first time in the match, seeming pleased.

Outside the ring, Ring Rat crawls under the apron and disappears from sight, returning shortly after with a garbage can. Ring Rat tosses the trash can up and over the ropes, then begins to climb the apron back into the ring when Sleepy’s manager Snuggles wallops him with a pillow. Ring Rat falls back to the outside, looking shocked and intimidated by the gigantic five foot model, and disappears back under the ring skirting in an instance. Within the ring, the referee tries to regain order, but the match promptly begins to degenerate with the introduction of plunder to the ring. Pink Mini-Ninja hurls a fanning wave of origami throwing stars at Pygmyrabbit, who uses the trash can lid as a shield to block, then folds it over the top of Mini-Ninja’s head with a clubbing blow. Mental Midget tackles Winters to the mat and begins clubbing his head repeatedly over the canvas, until John Grim pulls Double-M off from behind, gorilla pressing him above his head and depositing him into the trash can. Grim pulls Winters up, the linking hands for a moment and swinging themselves in a circle before breaking off and launching each other against the ropes, coming back with a head of steam that has both midgets slamming into the trash can from either side, squashing it flat with Mental Midget inside. Ring Rat crawls out from under the ring on the opposite side, this time in possession of what appears to be a kitchen sink. Climbing back up onto the apron and ascending to the top rope, sink in tow, Pygmyrabbit tosses Pink Mini-Ninja overhead with a release german suplex. Ring Rat leaps from the top, placing the sink beneath him as he comes down with Arabian leg drop, striking Pink Mini-Ninja out of mid-air and driving her down to the mat.

Mental Midget kicks the bottom out of the trash can, crawling his way out and to freedom in time to see Pink Mini-Ninja kick out of a pinfall attempt, wiggling herself out from beneath Ring Rat and the sink. Picking up both the top and bottom to the trash can, Mental Midget approaches John Grim from behind, clapping the metal circles together over his head like a pair of cymbols. Grim throws a back elbow which strikes Mental Midget, knocking him aside, but is met from the front by Ring Rat and Pygmyrabbit's combined efforts, a boot to the gut doubleing him over, and then the two of them linking stubby arms in order to gutwrench Grim overhead. It looks almost like they are going for a double powerbomb, but they lose their grip on Grim, the Big Boy soaring free and colliding with the ropes, then slingshotting backwards in a manner that plasters Sleepy Winters with a stray elbow. Pygmyrabbit dives over the top of Grim to make the cover, while Mental Midget bites Winters on the calf, arms wrapped around his ankles to keep him from moving and Ring Rat uses the sink to force Pink Mini-Ninja back towards the corner and trap her against the ropes. 1... 2... 3!

Missy Janson - The winners of this match... The Mental Midget, The Pygmyrabbit and The Ring Rat!

The crowd stands to their feet and gives a rousing ovation, enjoying what they saw in that contest.

Nick Burst - Half bad? That was fucking awesome. I take back anything bad I said about little people before this match.

The men entered in the contest are all in the ring, soaking in the adoration while they can; and with that we fade into our first break of the evening.