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Who is the real Jesus?

It's a perplexing question that baffles even the most intellectual of theologians.
There are several aspects of each Jesus we must delve into before reaching a conclusion.

  1. The Jesus to the left says no harmful words. In fact, he is severely mute.
  2. The Jesus to the right can barely utter a harmful word, though he is experienced in sarcasm.
  3. The Jesus to the left harms no living creature. However, he also comforts no one as well.
  4. The Jesus to the right harms others only by accident. He offers comfort to some (see photo page of Mandy for an example), but that leads to another question: would the real Jesus be called a "cuddle bitch?"
  5. The Jesus to the left portrays a general "heeey" attitude. He's the kind of guy that wouldn't break your legs over outstanding debts.
  6. The Jesus to the right portrays a godly image, complete with a heavenly light that "left Jesus" apparently lacks.
  7. The Jesus to the left is smiling, happy to be the son of God, the ultimate sacrifice, the humble storyteller.
  8. The Jesus to the right looks like he's getting an orgasm from that special light.
  9. The Jesus to the left avoids evil in any form, symbolic or physical.
  10. The Jesus to the right owns a horned imp statue known as "Skippy."
  11. The Jesus to the left is bound by nothing -- he can survive on as little as humanly possible.
  12. The Jesus to the right thrives on pleasures such as cigars and Rastafarian hats.

    13. How do the two Jesus' get along?
    In actuality, confrontations between the two can get ugly.
    Here is a transcript of their latest spat - LJ being "left Jesus" and RJ being "right Jesus."

    LJ: Nice outfit. What is that, a dress?
    RJ: Don't test me, son. I'll waterwalk all over your face.
    LJ: You can't waterwalk. That's my move. There's a patent on that, biotch.
    RJ: Oh no you dit'int. (pushes LJ into a nearby wall)
    LJ: Holy shit. You broke my halo. God's gonna be pissed. (RJ inspects the broken halo closer)
    RJ: That wasn't a halo! It's a glo-stick!
    LJ: Uh...well you see, they were out of them in heaven and... (LJ grabs the broken glo-stick and runs like hell)
    RJ: What a jew.


    In the play "Good Vs. Evil: Jesus and the Dee-vil," the Dee-vil has a superb comeback line after being taunted by Jesus:
    "Your momma's so holy, people mistake her for swiss cheese!"

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