143 Excuses When Your Parents Ask Why You Came Home With No Pants On Written by: Alicia, Katie, and Audrey with additional help from Christian 1. "They caught on fire!" 2. "They unraveled on a nail." 3. "When I went to the top of the escalator, my pants caught on them and ripped off." 4. "It was just horrible! They all ganged up on me!" 5. (looks around nervously, grabs tablecloth, puts around waist) "You mean these pants?" 6. "...p-ants?" 7. "The tornado whisked my pants away to Oz." 8. "I was running through a scissors factory and before I knew it, they claimed my pants." 9. "I went to some whorehouse and your momma ate them off." 10. "I used them as a parachute." 11. "I pawned them for...a CD." 12. "I pissed and/or shit in them, so gnats carried them away." 13. "I fell in an acid rain puddle and they melted off." 14. "I went scuba diving and a shark bit them off." 15. "The fashion police came and took them away." 16. "I accidentally put them back on the hanger in Big Lots." 17. "I think the real question is, where are yours?" 18. "Let�s analyze this more closely, shall we?" (runs like hell) 19. "I gave them to a hobo. Isn�t giving fun?" 20. "BALLS!" 21. "These are the latest fashion...invisible pants!" 22. "Did Jesus wear pants?!" 23. "Well, I was trying to give myself head..." 24. "I�m a nudist!" (takes off clothes, runs wildly) 25. "Pants lower my sperm and/or egg count." 26. "Where? The real question is �when.�" 27. "A Jehovah�s witness snuck up, opened the door, and took them to heaven." 28. "Mom, I�m gay...oh...wrong question." 29. "I left them in my locker." 30. "Are they half here, or half there? Are they really anywhere? Are we here?" 31. "The PM (Pants Monster) ate them." 32. "Who needs pants when you�ve got undies!" 33. "Grandma refused to send me home with dirty pants on." 34. "So, how was your day?" 35. "Pants? Bah! How do you like my new scarf?" (pants around neck) 36. "Mom, Dad, I have pantsophobia." 37. "Enough talk about pants; let�s talk about my erectile dysfunction." 38. "Why didn�t you tell me I have no testicles!?" 39. "They got caught in the fan." 40. "They fell off." 41. "A panda stole them." 42. "I think I�m pregnant." 43. "They got sucked into the Twilight Zone." 44. "It�s NAKIE TIME!" 45. "I need some floss." 46. "Do you have any toilet paper?" 47. "That wasn�t mayonnaise I spilled on those pants..." 48. "Why didn�t you tell me I was allergic to pants?" 49. "Divine intervention!" 50. "What the fuck are flants?" 51. "I sat in glue." 52. "I was caught in a sticky trap." 53. "Sometimes you gotta take one for the team." 54. "It�s not like I lost them; they are in the backseat of my car." 55. "Why are you looking at my crotch?" 56. "Get on your knees, bitch." 57. "Leg hair is sufficient enough." 58. "My pants match my gloves, and I couldn�t find my gloves." 59 "A dog sneezed on me." 60. "I lost them in a poker game." 61. "The teacher and/or priest took them away." 62. "Am I dreaming?" 63. "Am I supposed to have this rash?" 64. "I puked on myself." 65. "They started talking to me, so I beat them up." 66. "I noticed my zipper coming down, and just said �fuck it.�" 67. "I�m not your pants-whore!" 68. "I changed costumes." 69. "Everyone else is doing it!" 70. "I had bad genes!" (Audrey apologizes for this, you bitches) 71. "Undies, pants, potatoe, potato." 72. "I traded them for gum." 73. "It�s mutual � I skinned the cat, and it took my pants." 74. "My legs broke up with them." 75. "Be quiet! They�re sleeping!" 76. "I think these curtains are much more suiting." 77. "I strangled a man with them." 78. "I used them as a raft on a three hour tour." 79. "Damn Flanders." 80. "I got them caught in a car door." 81. "I used them for a scrunchie." (*see the 1980�s) 82. "A dog mistook them for a tree." 83. "I�m using them as a turban." 84. "Am I old enough to shave yet?" 85. "I don�t know about pants, but check out this bush!" 86. "Some guy said he could see himself in them, so I took them off and gave them to him." 87. "My pants are rubber, you are glue, everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you." 88. "Mom, I have no legs." 89. "Stop avoiding the fact that you haven�t made dinner yet!" 90. "I was forced into a Christmas exchange and I wasn�t warned." 91. "Cyborgs don�t wear pants." 92. "Daddy said you liked it like this." 93. "Mom, what does molestation mean?" 94. "I sacrificed them on the mountain." 95. "Are these mine or yours?" 96. "I got pulled over and my pants were made of marijuana, so the cops had to confiscate them." 97. "Something about aliens and anal prode...yadda yadda." 98. "Cha-Ching! Bada Wada Wing!" (*inside joke) 99. "Stop looking at me on the outside and start relating to me on the inside." 100. "Your mama!" 101. "They exploded in the microwave." 102. "Is Father Mike a real gynecologist?" 103. "Did you cut your hair? It looks really good!" 104. "Won�t I ever be good enough for you?" 105. "They were shot at in Columbine/exploded in the Hindenburg/drowned in the Titanic." 106. "This cod piece is much more stylish." 107. "I thought these thongs complimented me more." 108. "It worked! You didn�t even notice my nose ring!" 109. (puts pants on table like table cloth and runs into another room) (*see #5) 110. "The sign said no shoes, no pants..." 111. "Captain Steal-Pants took them." 112. "All I want is world peace!" 113. "Shh...I�m in the swimsuit competition." 114. "A towel thought it was their baby and it took them." 115. "We ran out of napkins." 116. "You�re just jealous because you have pants and I don�t." 117. "Pants are the devil!" 118. "If you like pina coladas..." (bursts into song and dance) 119. "The abandoned child will use them for a better cause." 120. "Viva la pants!" 121. "Sic semper pants!" 122. "They got lost at the laundromat." 123. "I smoked pot and they smelled, and I took them off so you wouldn�t smell it on me." 124. "Knock knock." ("Who�s there?") "Obviously not my pants." 125. "I used them for a bull...toro!" 126. "You don�t want to know, mister. I�m trouble." 127. "They were relocated by the Pants Protection Program." 128. "Crabs took them. Two of them. They work in pairs." (see Hot Shots) 129. "Me no speak English." 130. "I sacrificed them at the altar." 131. "While you're confined by clothing, I will be a free spirit!" 132. "A guy on the subway was singing 'these pants are your pants, these pants are my pants' and I was confused, so I just gave him my pants." 133. "When I asked Ursula what it would cost to make me human, she said 'your pants.'" 134. "You KNOW our religion strictly forbids pants." 135. "So I was hurdling peace signs..." 136. "Well, my friends were touching my ass, and ass juices leaked on them..." 137. It's an interesting story, really. It all began in 1421 when a man named James L. Pants decided it was indecent to walk around in fig leaves... 138. It burns! It burns! 139. Well, I was changing my clothes, and someone mentioned something about A.D.D. and I--HEY! A KITTY! 140. They're coming...coming for all of you...and for your pants...there's no escape. 141. Well, I was dishing up soup at the homeless shelter... 142. Calm down. I can't wear pants until the perm on my pubic hair sets. 143. Forget about the pants. Look, I got a new dog. *pulls pants on a leash*
