THE VANCOME LADY

Hi, Welcome to Vancome. How may I help you?

With those words, the illustrious, if somewhat ill-fated, career of the Vancome Lady was launched. On the first-ever episode of Mad TV, aired on October 14, 1995, the Vancome Lady (a.k.a Kathy Wajanowski) made her first appearance. It would not be long before the Vancome Lady became the most popular recurring character on the program,

According to several sources (including an Associated Press article), Nicole Sullivan, the actress-cum-comedienne who has been a cast regular on Mad TV since its debut in 1995, and who plays the Vancome Lady, first conceived of the "Vancome Lady" on the way to her audition for Mad TV. Ms. Sullivan further elaborated on the inspiration for the character: "She's real passive-aggressive, says rude things while smiling, just like this boss I used to have, and like the women behind the makeup counter at Skokie Mall when I went to Northwestern. Makeup women always make you feel stupid."

We first see this character working in a department store selling cosmetics. The word "Vancome" is a parody of the makeup company Lancome; since Kathy works for Vancome, she is the Vancome Lady. In this sketch, which runs about two and a half minutes, the Vancome Lady blithely insults three separate customers, and then is promptly fired by her boss. This sketch is notable not only because it is the first-ever Vancome Lady sketch, but it is also the only sketch in which the Vancome Lady appears at the very beginning of the sketch. In subsequent sketches, the basic scenario would be delineated (e.g., actors are rehearsing a Christmas pageant), then the Vancome Lady would make her first appearance, accompanied by applause from the studio audience.

As the Vancome Lady appeared in more sketches, we learned more about her. We learned that her full name in Kathy Wajanowski. We also learned that she is rather promiscuous. The Vancome Lady usually slips some sexual innuendo into the sketch, usually towards the end.

In George Orwell's classic novel 1984, the rulers of Oceania created their own language, Newspeak, in order to meet the ideological needs of Ingsoc, or English Socialism. Similarly, the Vancome Lady has a vocabulary all her own, which I call Vancomespeak, as a parody of Oceania's Newspeak. The purpose of Vancomespeak is not to advance any rigidly defined ideological goal, but serves mainly to enhance the obnoxiousness of the Vancome Lady, or whomever happens to be using Vancomespeak.

The first principle of Vancomespeak is that virtually any stereotype that can be used to prejudge a person should be used to insult and/or poke fun at the person who (allegedly) fits the stereotype. For example, one would presume that if a criminal defendant is of Italian ancestry, he is guilty, and if someone disagrees with this logic, we should respond with, "Did his people get to you, too?" If we see a teenaged African-American female who appears to be overweight, we should assume that she is pregnant, because of the relatively high rate of teen pregnancies amongst African-Americans. Further, we should ask her when the baby is due.

The second principle has more to do with the style of the insult. The principle here is never say directly what you can say indirectly. The Vancome Lady essentially symbolizes the petty tyrants that most people have come into contact with at one time or another: the rude motor vehicles clerk, the recalcitrant receptionist, the unhelpful customer service representative, and so on. As such, I can see this character lasting for some time yet. As I am writing this, the last appearance of the Vancome Lady was in the "Vancome Lady: Guidance Counselor" sketch of 1-17-1998, and there was no sign that this character is running out of gas. As long as the Vancome Lady is thrown into a variety of different situations, the sketches will most likely be quite interesting.

Opening: The lobby of the Betty Ford Clinic. Voice over the intercom says: "Detox orientation: third floor." On the left is an elevator; on the right are glass doors leading out of the building to the street outside. Also on the right is a reception desk - apparently unattended. Near reception is a door on the right apparently leading into the clinic. A man (Orlando Jones) with a rather scruffy appearance enters from the street and approaches reception.

[Suddenly, the Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan) appears at the reception desk, attired in a pink dress.]

Vancome Lady: OK, you're just going to fill out this form - [looks at man, then stops in her tracks] - shaaaah - you know what? I know you! Yoou're that famous outfielder for the New York Mets, Darren Udell!

Man (somewhat annoyed): Could you keep it down? I'm trying to keep a low profile, alright?

Vancome Lady: OK, see, we here at Betty Ford Clinic don't consider smoking crack and hanging out with hundred dollar hookers low profile. [The phone at the reception desk rings; the Vancome Lady answers. Into phone:] Hello; Betty Ford Center; how may I help you? [Pause] The National Enquirer? [Udell starts gesticulating wildly, apparently an attempt to keep the Vancome Lady from giving away his identity.] Yes. [Pause] No; I cannot help you. Yes; I'm busy admitting Darren Udell. Bye-bye! [She hangs up. A dejected Udell looks on. The phone rings again; Kathy answers. Into phone:] Yes, the famous outfielder for the Mets! [She hangs up again.] Wow, Mr. Udell, everyone just loves you!

Vancome Lady: No; it seems to me it's your wife that needs help. You might want to get her a batting helmet. It seems that your battering average at home is higher than your batting average on the field!

Vancome Lady: I'm sorry. We here at Betty Ford Clinic only help people who've hit rock bottom, and let's face it - you can't hit anything! Bye-bye. Thnak's for stopping in. OK. Thank you.

[The baseball player exits through the same front entrance from which he entered. A second man walks in from the street; he has long hair, is wearing a black shirt and tight pants and is carrying a jacket. He approaches reception.]

Tim Berlin: Yeah, hey, hi - I'm Tim Berlin - do you guys have a room for me?

Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what? Un-uh! Yeah, no, see that's not gonna work. You see, one hit wonders don't make it at Betty Ford Clinic. We haven't heard from your rock combo since 1985. We're saving the Kurt Cobain Suite for a Smashing Pumpkin, or maybe Steven Tyler if he comes back.

Vancome Lady: OK, why don't you take that internal pain, make it external, write a song about it; then maybe you can be a two-hit wonder!

Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - no. Bye-bye. Thanks for stopping in. [Tim Berlin makes his way towards exit.] Bye-bye. Shoo! Shoo!

Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what? [Kathy lifts a blow gun to her mouth and blows a dart at the patient; the dart hits his neck and he quickly collapses.] Un-uh! [Two attendants emerge from the elevator and remove the patient. Kathy returns to her work - but not for long. A woman (Debra Wilson) with a small child, presumably her daughter, emerges from the street. She approaches reception.]

Vancome Lady (to woman): Hi! Welcome to the Betty Ford Center! How may I help you?

Vancome Lady: Oh yeah. [To child:] I bet you're exited to see daddy, aren't ya?

Vancome Lady: Yeah - no. You can't see him. See, we'd like to keep him sober, and here at Betty Ford, you're what we like to call alki's little helper.

Vancome Lady (to child): You do know that you're the reason why your daddy drinks, don't you?

Vancome Lady: Yeah, no - you're cute. Therapists get paid big bucks to tell those lies.

Woman (visibly angry): How could you talk to my child this way? Who do you think you are?!

Woman: I am calling my husbands lawyer, and I guarantee you, by the end of the evening, I will own this place!

Vancome Lady (drowning her out): OK, ma'am, I can't hear you - lalala, lalalalala - [Woman exits, but Kathy's boss (Phil LaMarr) enters from the door on the right.] Well, hello there Mr. Vincent!

Vancome Lady: OK. Well thank's so much for letting me work here at Betty Ford, and thank's for the methadone - it certainly took the edge off of sleeping with you.

Mr. Vincent: I'm calling security! [He picks up the phone at reception. Kathy picks up the blow gun and fires a dart at Mr. Vincent at point blank range; Mr. Vincent is hit in the neck and quickly falls. Kathy picks up the receiver.]

Vancome Lady: Hello, security? Yeah, there's a doped-up patient here who's trying to escape. I believe he'll be needing some shock therapy. OK, bye-bye. [She takes her purse and steps out from behind the reception desk.] And bye-bye Mr. Vin-cent.

[Kathy exits through the front door, taking the dart gun with her; as she leaves the same two attendants who earlier carried away the patient emerge from the elevator and carry Mr. Vincent into the elevator. Fade-out.