Saturday, the 13th it is raining, rain is supposed to make us feel better, or make plants feel better, so that makes us feel better went to see Victor today and i got my CDs back, and he put a new globe in my car, and i saw Jessica, and Emily and William, i haven't seen them for ages, and they are all different

feel tired, could be the wine i just drank at Kylie's, she cooked me dinner, i would like to cook for her and Marley one day, and Natasha now i am taking all the psychedelic screen saver images and converting them to tifs, so that when i use them for maps in 3DStudio and Premiere they will take up less memory

listening to Silence by Delerium, hee hee, listening to Silence, sounds funny, i need another pillow for my back, and my feet are getting cold, time to change the gold shoes, for the warm ones, i am wearing my new purple hairy hat, it keeps my head warm, i forgot to tell Kylie my Krystyna story

wow! learning things about p'shop that i never knew so why aren't i more excited? this track sounds like something by Peter Gabriel, it is Track 6 called Lamentation

it is nearly time to put a jumper on, instead of the blanket, ah, but i am wearing the purple bedspread instead,

there are more DCD samples on this CD of Delerium, i don't know if i've ever picked them up besides the one in Duende

this is really mindless stuff, doing the same thing over and over, the thing wot is about p'shop that i never noticed before is that, it goes ding when it finishes a job, like a resizing job, and when it opens a file too i think, yes.

yes, i hear the DCD sample in the sleigh bell sound.

there are two windows of options for saving .tif files a couple of these files are pretty ugly too, i might still delete them, it is not like i am going to run out of images,

that ding sound i could have used long before now i wonder if i'll be able to make it through all the images before my brain seizes, it is getting to where i am forgetting whether i've saved the file before i go to open the next one,

it is a real piss-off how Premiere will not recognise .gifs and .jpgs, even though it is *supposed* to recognise .jpgs

dreams: had another vivid dream last night, where i was living in a caravan with Gary, bigger on the inside, and i was trying to call my mum, over and over, from a number of different phones i would try to call her and not get through, Kylie and Marley were in the dream, got a new theory on dreams, and i was going to Nambour on the train with everyone, and we stopped and got off in Palmwoods, and there was a market there, and it was all really different, to how i remember it, and again, i tried to call mum, and couldn't get through, i was on the verge of tears, and the Fishers staff dude came up and apologised for the rude phone

night before i dreamt about Greg, i was living in a big house with him, and a bunch of other people, and it was like he was my lover, when i woke i remembered a long time ago about Greg, and he is the first that i fell in love with, my cousin, my dream often says the taboos will come out, my self-imposed taboos, why did i know/think that i should not be in love with Greg?

and now, how do i let go? so then i can let go of David and Jeremy? can i not want them? or can i only mute the desire? what is healthy and what is not? what is abusing my desire and what is not? of course, Little Larysa, does not want to let go of Greg, so how can she eat her Greg and have him too? that could almost be funny, and how do i the Xena-Larysa accept the of the situation, how to know that the past present and future exist together,

all images are done now, now, what was i doing it for? i am putting together a clip containing all the sounds from Northern Exp 2 disc 1, and now trying to incorporate the best transitions for the psychedelic images, i think they are on the wrong sound. and i think i want to get some clips off the AmbAnt CD, and that is always annoying to stop the music CD playing take it out put the info CD in, and then stuff around with it, then take it out again and put the music back on, oh well, it could be worse, i could NOT have a CD player at ALL!

and i just want David to walk back into my life, and seem to be just as perfect as he did before, i thought i saw him on Walnut Street this eve, Kylie saw me turn in the car and stare, and said, "are you having a perve?" what a horrid word. but i'll probably never know whether it was him, oh, where are you? and why did you go away from me? "Am i not pretty enuff?" hee hee, but we already knew where that song came from, i'm definately too outspoken for the natives

sUNDAY 14th typing in gloves seems to work adequately, just come back Kylie's where we were watching True Romance and Muriel's Wedding, and sitting in front of the fire and chatting, and it was good,

made another clip, it has all the sounds in it, i know it is a good layout for a proper clip, as in, i'd to render it at larger res. and put it on a video, and i should do something with that zip drive, project file, that's right, i was going to experiment with the .ppj files, to see whether they will transport across versions

i slept this afternoon because i couldn't face doing anything, not even typing this, maybe i was chilled from painting outside, i painted my white installation on the car, and it was cold, then i came inside, i turned the heater on, and sat in front of premiere, but i was still cold, so i crawled into bed, and fell asleep, and woke up at 7:30pm,

haven't done colour wheel, maybe i can do it tomorrow

Dreamed about baggage, i wrote it down somewhere, i am walking through the city, it is like a market and like a show, people and stalls are everywhere, and i have a really heavy backpack on, it contains everything i own, i am really tired of carrying it, i see a man that i know slightly, and i want him to offer me the use of his trolly, but he doesn't, i want to walk backwards up this slope cause i think that it will be easier, but i think other people will think i'm strange, i get to the top of the slope, and i am on the street again, and it is daylit, and much earlier than i thought, and suddenly i notice that the backpack, and my two other little baggies are gone, and i don't remember putting them down, and i panic and start to retrace my steps to find my baggies, and i become really annoyed because i think that this always happens to me, and how can i stop it happening.

but now that i have thought about it, how can i realise in my dream that the baggage is supposed to be gone, because that is what the rest of me is striving for, divestiture of emotional baggage, i keep forgeting that the stuff is really gone, i've grown up now, and i keep looking for it, instead of going off on the new phase of the adventure without the baggage

my feet are cold, i hate having cold feet

Next day, it is Monday, my stuff is covered in dust, i wonder if there iis more dust than there used to be, i should be talking to someone about this, or brushing my teeth or having a shower, the backpack came to visit again, with me and Carolyn, life is like a chore, deep down inside, that is how i feel all the time, that life is work, and no fun, little child not having fun, somehow responsibility and fun can go together, but i don't know how that is, i don't know how to live without the backpack, with everything in it that i need, i don't want to be without carrying everything that i need on my back, Kylie says she has writers block, she hasn't had to write an assignment for a while i can see

i could cry a river and drown the whole world, i wonder what happened to Carol this weekend? must get up, must get up

it is dusk now, and i feel much better, went to Midura Native Nursery with Carolyn, and i start work training next Monday,

i am working up the willow tree in 3DS, and the material libraries have fucked off on me, and now my fingers are burning, they must have been really cold out there

Tuesday 16th, ah and 3DS has come back to me, after i told it to do something that was probably a bit too big for it, but its done something... i want to break a branch off the willow tree, hmm, just thought i wonder if the redwood tree has got less faces on it, it would be kind of handy to know how to break or detach a part of a mesh from itself, the other idea that i had was self-illuminated leaves, but once again, it would be better to practice on a branch, and to have leaves of different colours using Multi object material, where is the delete edge tool? i've discovered the art of working out of one window at a time instead of four cause it uses less memory, and working out of smaller windows, instead of full screen size, i suppose to experiment with a delete tool, it should work whether a standard 3D shape just as well as with a complex shape like the tree, i remember that the tree is made elements, so i could find a submenu for an element... i might get somewhere

i bought blackcurrant cordial, orange juice and ovaltine, i am so tired and the computer is driving me crazy with its slowness, want to go to sleep, and fuck it off!

Tuesday 23rd, i do have a sense of trying to catch up when i am not depressed, or if i didn't have it before, i have it now, after that last winter break effort, i suppose it was a break from formal classes but not a holiday

last night i dreamed about native fauna, many kinds, but i only remember the kangaroos, and being bitten by a koala, and it made needle like marks in my hand

am working on the singing tree, what does the singing tree mean to me?

The Singing Tree is a beautiful lady who sings the voice of Antarctica, she resembles a willow tree, with flowing hair, and she has glowing crystal leaves, that tinkle and shimmer, (somehow)

she sings to the Finished Symphony on NE2 disc2, final track, she calls to my mind every creature with a voice, and they all sing with her like they are a choir, and the sound they make is the techno,

but to the nitty, her leaves have no texture and they need textue, like stripy bits, bumpy bits, and then when i separate all the elements i will be able to animate them

now i am rendering another frame for to be a desktop because i found a better image with more leaves in, putting an image of tree and iceberg on desktop was a good idea

my collages: i was excited about starting them, but now that a whole week has elapsed and i've done some of one... what does it mean? does it mean i don't really want to do it? collages are fun!

i read somewhere that depressed people are subject to mysterious aches and pains, i suppose that there should really be nothing strange about today's aches and pains

once again, i know the effect that i am trying to create, just can't seem to quite gettit, i want a leaf with grooves in, that is still self-iluminated, so it is SI along the bumps, and shadowed in the grooves, and i can't get the bump map slot to pick up a bit map to map the bumps

agh, and i hate it when i forget what i am doing, but that is because is too slow, and i get ahead of it, and forget what i did last

Sunday 28th it is a windy night tonight, and the caravan is shaking, this animation of the dancing kelp and diatoms, even though at 120x120, says it will take 5 1/2 hours, i should leave it off to do it tomorrow, except i did feel like stuffing around with it.

just finished reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, and hmmm i am not sure why it was so popular, maybe because more came out, there is nothing like being part of a series to make a book really popular, maybe it works because it is a classic modern day fairy tale, i don't know many people that wouldn't want to go to Hogwarts, school for Wizards

i would go to Hogwarts, and learn how to use magic

hung out today with Kylie, thought i might be helping her move her stuff, but that didn't happen, but we did manage to liberate the trailor, well John did, he unscrewed the lock from the door. i suppose i didn't have the confidence or the screw driver to do it. i aired out my blankets today, and sleeping bag, shook out the rugs, and i still haven't heard from mum, must call her.

talked to Kylie and John yesterday about mushroom world, that story that Roger and i dreamt up where people become autotrophic and symbiotic, can photsynthesise, and absorb nutrients from the soil, and cellulose, i didn't tell them about being telepathic, and being about to design nanotechnology using diatoms, but that is how the story goes

John does not believe in god or life after death, neither did gracie, and that really shook me up, a writers block at life after death, to me, this life seems to be a rip-off or a waste of time if this is all there is, but is this human symbology invented to stop us from going mad? the mad people, the people that break through the veneer of sanity to reality, it is as if there is just too much energy flowing through my head at the moment, is this what letting go feels like? being swept up as if in the fast flowing river in a boat but without a rudder,

i try to grapple with my own death, my fear of death, once i did not fear death, is death painful? it is something i never think of, as though losing this life, i would not miss it at all, but my very first lucid dream death was not painful, my death of my first DMT trip was very painful, that is it tore at me to leave the altered state, to leave the tea room, other trips, the one at Forbes Street, fear of being wrong, of being alone, the only human being, fear of my responsibility to myself, afraid that night after night, neither david nor jeremy will turn up, and i am not special to anyone, another day gone, and Antarctica gets further away, and my visions are gone, i do not see the icebergs in my minds eyes, this feeling the terrible pain is always there, but most of the time i don't want to live it, "when did we fall? when was it over? i suppose it is the price of falling in love"

the spirit is restless tonight, protect me and keep me close to your heart, Beauty above me, beauty beside me, i walk in beauty

crack me open like an egg i am compelled by my own logic to accept John's reality, that accepting life at face value is the only way that it makes sense, i wonder if he takes Prozac? or why he doesn't

it is not the weather that is warmer, *ii* am warmer, maybe the wood chopping

i realise that what we have discovered is that by burying ourselves in work, at least the chattering stops, the questioning, the mind always wanting to know, it is easier to not think while doing, workers of the world unite and overthrow all thinking types :)