watched Siggraph Video last night, and it was excellent, made my brain go, i can't wait for the semester to finish so that i can just do animation, gave me great ideas
>There is nothing in my diary now. I ahven't got time >to write.
sometimes i don't think i have time to write, but it means i don't want to write the things that i need to write, like...
today i went to the ATM to take out my rent money, and i am $15 short, so now i just feel depressed about that, and like i don't want to do anything else, but i came to write a letter to you, and i know that if i don't write it first, it won't get written, i have to finish more stuff on my assignment, the Theory of the formation of the universe, with diagrams
i "saved the world" yesterday, i made a file i called earth.max, and then i saved it before i turned the computer off :) hee hee,
the flashy light thing on fone also responds to being bumped
>But I will write to you about little things I remember.
they are the best things to remember sometimes, uncomplicated like, i saw 4 black swans on the river about 2 days ago
>Matty said that he would go nuts living in the bush.
but he is a boring git, and where is he going to plug in his computer?
>He replied that he was such a loner that he needed >people around him, thus the city.
a loner who needs people around him, odd, but we already knew that Matty was emotionally something, rigid, traumatised? not healthy anyway fone painting is finished, i just have to finish the singing blob, and then the white installation, and then the colour wheel, and then the backgrounds of the fone studies that are white
still have other diagrams and information to add to the geology assignment, but it is so much harder to think about how that goes together, it is like an essay, a list of questions answer these questions, we never had essay assignments to write when i was at QUT, it is weird
>I dreamt about fish. There were deep sea fish in the >tank. The deep sea fish (the ones you find in the icy >depths) were eating the coral fish, like little clown >fish and little eels. I was distressed.
do you ever think about who are the People that watch the little fishes in the depths, fishes being eaten, and feeling sorry for them and being distressed, trying to preserve the cultures of the little fishes, what does it mean to be a little fish in the bottom of the sea? why did i choose to be that fish? what do they live for? what questions do they ask? what gods do they pray to? the other interpretation of that dream is that in your psyche, your bigger fish are eating your little fish, the little dreams are being eaten and you want to save them
actually this dream of the fishes relates to the next dream, the dreams say that you are trying to save something that you cannot, it is part of universal law that things die, get eaten, fertilise other things
>I dreamt about a threesome with these two guys I knew >from school. I did not like one of them but was forced >to ahve him along just so I could be close to Clint. I >once went out with Clint for a few minutes in 6th >grade.
this is two parts of you, you have to compromise yourself by accepting something that you would really rather not, but you drawn to the "Clint" character, compelled, and thereby compelled to accept the other character, it is how you were in high school, when emotions were immature, you are older now, and you can find the way to have both accepting of each other
>I kept trying to hug and kiss Clint but kept blacking >out or felt paralyzed. He was getting further away, >shutting himself away, as I tried to convince him when >I came to, that I really did want him.
it's like the two guys represent parts of you, like the desire for the man like your father, and the desire for the man who is good for you as an adult, and you are trying to convince both parts that they are valid, but they invalidate each other, and you are stuck with the dilemma because what you must do seems really unattractive, you are trying to force two parts of you to like each other, but they are conditioned to be apart
and do you still say that you are not emotionally traumatised? how do you get close to someone? i gave up on Jeremy because he was too hard to get close to. because i... i would have to open up, and i don't want to, i think that he should, really then who is right and who is wrong? why should he have to, if i won't?
i dreamed about Greg this morning, Greg is my cousin who is in age next older than me, and he is the first guy that i ever fell in love with, probably when i was 5 or 6 yo, i think a lot of people fall in love with cousins, to do with being in the family, comfortable and safe, but i never thought about it as, incest, taboo, so many dreams are about taboos, i think i've dreamed about having sex with Greg before, i know i've thought about it, but it is a taboo, and that thing the desire is there, real, as real as a dream
in my dream i was living with Greg in this great big house, that i've never lived in, what happens when the first guy you ever fell in love with is someone you can't have? that's why i never fell in love with my father, i fell for Greg instead. Greg was the first one that ever touched me, he touched my breast, we were 13, that was all he did, but i still remember it, we were sleeping next to each other, in my grandparents house in Nambour under the pool table, but we weren't asleep yet,
holding my breath, and the tension in the moment, wanting him to kiss me, and not, at the same time, and the total relief when he stopped and drew his hand away, we never talked about it. and if i let myself see the parallels between Greg and so many other boys in have "loved" been attracted to, even to this day, and Fil the sculpture teacher who rides a motorbike and reminds me of Greg,
ah, i know that i am still emotionally traumatised, how do you let go of the one you love?
>I am looking for a dangling Elvis to stick onto the >windscreen of a car.
:) well, i'll keep my eyes open
lots of love and eat dove nutcracker chocolate, it's great :)
Amber the Nutcracker Fairy