i have left my pen at home.
i will be doing my assignment this weekend, and a painting, i have one painting left to do, it is acrylic so i can do it in the caravan, and it won't stick it out, like turps would, if i was doing oil painting in the caravan,
there just doesn't seem to be enough time, i hate that, i want to accept my finity, there are only so many hours in the day, it seems like it takes too long to get my day started, and then it feels like is it really worth it at all, compared to how long it takes to get going.
it is nearly 3:30 and i haven't done anything to contribute to my work. i feel numb like i do when i am stressed, and i am hungry, i didn't have a proper breakfast, i just have some leftover tea, so i could take my drugs, but that wasn't real breakfast
and now, i keep staring at the monitor and zoning into the techno, if only my life could have just a soundtrack of techno, it would make me happy, finding it hard to concentrate on my assignment, don't want to think about it, don't want to think about it
like the longer that i stare at this screen, the more time goes by until it is too late to do anything about it, and thinking about it, will mean making decisions, changing the course of action of perfect intertia, the course of personal revolution, i think that, as if i could make a difference, like why is it such a dead weight? why can't it be fun? why can't it be like flying, soaring, and feeling the air rushing by on either side? why can't it be like laughter, like music, why is it so lonely? why do i think of sex for intimacy? why am i afraid? i am afraid of failure, but it isn't like the world will end, it hasn't ended yet
John just turned up, who is the lecturer for various things in Nat. Res. Magt. and he said that if i handed in my geology assignment, no one will mark it because the geology marks are in, and all the geology lecturers have left, except the other John, geology lecturer, said i would pass if i hand the assignment in
dreamed last night about flying, and that is all i can remember, very hard to get out of bed this morning, my life feels like a weight around my neck, or on my back,