Tuesday 2nd, it is June now, mother's b'day is soon, there are things to do,
i am looking for another floppy disk, and i am still hungry
i have found two more floppies, but they have lots of stuff on them, i
suppose i really do want everything on a disk and on the hard drive, now i am
tired, but i didn't think that i was before, but that was before i had to
think about where i was going to put the two floppies worth of stuff, i
worked from about 3 pm to 8pm at tafe, started doing the tutorials, all the
first ones from chapter 4, are easy, until i got to the next chapter which
requires a whole XHTML page, then i sort of got bogged down,
i am trying to put all the tutorials together to hang off a tutorial.html,
and then i'll hang that page off the www site, yes i am tired
found out about the printer, and the photocopier in the liberry today,
yesterday i found out about the animation and special effects stream, and
about after hours access, which they do allow, so i can squirrel myself away
in the room with the 3DStudio, and render to my little heart's content.
i keep looking at things and wanting to render them, mostly growing things
and moving lines, i've also found out about grants where organisations would
give me money to go overseas, so i want to think about applying for something
like that, and think about storyboarding the next film segment
and today i also found two candidates to do the Artists' Way with, from
Al-Anon, that made me feel really good. that is something like a miracle.
also i Al-Anon i started mapping out the SMIL application, using coloured
blocks for the sound track and visual track, which will be a slide show of
jpgs, and gifs, a SMIL file is quite a different way of tracking multimedia
for making a film to the usual conventional filmmaking way, and the svg stuff
June 9, Wednesday,
day of exam, and i am itching to write www pages, i can feel the little
itches on the ends of my fingers, but i finally .. have got my cup of dandy,
and it tastes excellent, and the 2nd cup is going to be even stronger!
*cheer*, but i finally early in the morning, got the idea of the multimedia
slideshow, how i would have the two regions, text on the left and the svg
images and animation on the right, text in left region explains what is in
the right region, which are the images and movement, and using the .wavs, to
cue each new section, a section plays for each .wav, and i use the wavs from
my CD, like, "Here is the happy tree, here are icebergs, breathing away".
hmm that would be for if i could find a tree and icebergs in svg, but until,
then, 10 separate elements synchronising, so i've got 7 .wavs, and it would
easy to get 7 svgs, and then they get linked in to each .wav, and then the
text on the left explains, SVG the Way of the Future.
now on the JJJs, the new inventors dude is talking about the distance
between the idea and the implementation. i feel a bit funny now, as though
the dandelion is too strong? i feel slightly nauseous. no time, i teleported,
1 800 0555 36 ok, that is the JJJ talkback line, and today this morning he is
soliciting for crazy inventions, and the hold music is really loud, and now
i am waiting to go on air and talk about the Biochip??? that didn't seem to
be, almost certainly won't work, a microchip that is implanted in your head,
and then you don't need a keyboard or a monitor, i did it! that was fun!
so Smil presentations, i can make it any length, i want to see how
complicated i can make it
Friday,
well as for SMIL there is complicated and not going, and there is simple and
still not going, so then after that i could just sit and sit and watch the
code get bigger and bigger, looking like what i think it should look like
but that won't necessarily make it go, so the question for Allen is, as long
as it looks like it would if it was going, will that be good enough?
wait for the thoughts to descend, about SMILing
so to summarise the problems with SMIL, there is when the code is wrong
and it doesn't go at all,
then there is the smil that runs but i can't graft it to a wwwpage,
actually
the specification is not that it has to run from a www page, it just has to
go, do something, ah, i see then i got excited about making a cinema and
gallery out of smil and hanging them off the wwwsite, but i can't embed them
yet, and will the browser call the right smil plugin? i have to sort through
the smil to see whether any of them work at all, write notes on them about
the one that don't work, and then ask Allen why this
one or that one doesn't work, start with the simplest ones
then there is the problem of the svg, and i have to make pages that look
like they should work, i saw the svg work from the smil, but in the real
player plugin, so maybe i should start building that today
a square fading in and out, sqare with a filter, this is the way of the
future, documenting on the way, cause really i am all confused by how so many
of them just don't work
16th Thursday
is there a connection between Akira, the Hulk, and Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde?
the Akira Inhibitor gene, when it gets turned off, a person can grow, rapidly, and any direction,
Adam and Will are doing tomorrow is do you know more than Dools. hee hee it could be who knows more about Days of our Lives, cause i know nothing, and you submit it on the wwwsite, and i guess they pick the one that tickles them the most, and
apparently there is a gene that they have dubbed the promiscuous gene, in voles, i could be someone that is the local authority on the promiscuous gene, and what happened to this "town" in outback australia, or it could be a whole nation, that got the gene turned off, and then they moved a radioactive dump, to their town, and then the birth rate decreased, and then they tried to turn the gene back on, to see if that would increase the birth rate, but they did it too late, because the scientists back in the city, argued for too long about what had *actually* decreased the birth rate, so by the time they agreed to turn the people genetically promicuous again, all the women were menopausal, and the town disappeared,
but maybe there could be a connection between the Akira Inhibitor, and a promiscuity inhibitor... and if you turn one off it turns the other one on, to compensate, so like if the PI gets turned on, the Akira Inhibitor gets turned off, so instead of the population increasing by getting more individuals, and complexifying the gene pool, to make it more robust, the proportions of the individual increase in every directions, in proportion to the complexity of individuals as we know them today, to compensate for the decrease in individuals, which therefore, decreases the complexity of the gene pool.
oh dear, i can't even read that anymore, that is ridiculous, but it is just the kind of thing that Adam and Will might find personally intriguing, or i know more about the M&M breeding program than Dools
thanks guys, cause you get me up in the morning, happy. Prozac on the air.
so today, the agenda is,
cook porridge for breaky
AlAnon, Maree come to get me 10:30 - 11:00
shopping in afternoon
get baggies
cook dinner, and biscuits?
maybe i could go to tafe, but i think that michael would appreciate me staying home, i'll see how he is, and we've been invited to a party to celebrate Mick Mills not dying of cancer,
otherwise, there is plenty of coding to do
Sunday the 20th, crisis in paradise
there are things that i have to think about, like what's the go with this computer? i could take it up to the guy that put the sound card in, cause he is close,
i do not want to, at the end of next semester, be trying to finish mega 3D project, with no computing power at home,
options, need to research options, like where to go, best internet cafe, if there is one with 3DStudio, and what to do as a backup for the computer at home, whether to get a laptop for the music, and the convenience,
paying for convenience, and then last night we went to a party for Mick Mills, and suddenly around the fire, a thought, was that a Brisbane techno internet radio, would help Michael and Vorn get internet(air) play for their music, then i thought, yes, that is worth $70 a month, even if just for one year, $840, maybe M would consider paying for half, he may not, and just be interested in fattening the land deposit,
$70 a month being for the cable internet, maybe i could pay for half of guppy's, or it could be hosted by eis.net.au for instance, if that were cheaper. maybe i could talk to them. maybe they could also carry 4ZZZ again.
then there is vorn maybe he could be host for an internet radio, if he hasn't done it already
Suzanna just rang me to give me the AA number, but she gave me the Al-Anon number instead, maybe i could just leave for Gaye's before Michael gets up, no i have to have breakfast porridge and sago first still, before i go anywhere, and finish the coffee.
there were lumps of apple pie in the cream in my coffee, Carol, Carol, Doni look after C for me, for there are only some things that i can do for her, and i have done them all, just for now.
alcoholic reference from Suze: Julie 3882 4204
Carol just rang, and she upset me, and i cried about it. she is crazy.
i don't know if i can concentrate on wwwpages, iwonder if i can concentrate on anything at all, that's why music is good, it is just there, singing away to itself
MOnday 21st,
oh well, here it is again, i must write about important things, talk about
important things, see a counsellor,
just spoke to Julie, above, and she was excellent, and levelling, i feel a
little better, but i think i need to talk a lot more, because it was the
talking that made me feel better
wento AlAnon at Biala, Adult Children's meeting, and it was noticeably different, starts at 7:30pm, still encouraging Carol to come to a meeting with me
Friday, 25th
bah! that CD of my animation has grown legs again, i hope i didn't leave it in a library computer, and i was sure that i had taken it out of the computer in Phil's room, listened to Adam and Will again, i couldn't sleep after M left, had a long talk with Carol yesterday, and yesterday my mood lifted as well, woke up in the morning and felt better. of course the other thing that i don't like about listening to the radio is i get to hear the news, which is like not what i want to hear. maybe i need that coffee after all.
Tuesday the 29th
i know it is the 29th today because i wrote the 28th so many times yesterday and then M disagreed and said it was next week, there is a thing on this weekend, the Tubular Bells, but maybe that was the weekend just gone, cause next weekend is July,
my shame, i have learned things about myself and my shame, and it goes way back, and the connection between violence and shame and anger, fear of shame triggers anger, and the "fear of shame triggered anger" triggers violence,
i am a violent person, and i have reason to be, and evidently delusional or very special, if i think that i am not, as anyone else who grew like me would also be violent, some kind of individual personal offence, otherwise unreasonable, as in, if i saw it in someone else it would be unreasonable,
fear of making the same mistake again, fear of hitting Michael again, and then the fear of my own violence and anger are all products of my shame, and fear of shame, fear of that shame being discovered, triggered anger will drive the nosy inquirer away
it would seem that feeling anything else, the feeling of violence fear or anger is better or more acceptable than feeling shame,
i wish to make an ally of my shame, to allow myself to feel it in a safe place, like lying in bed in the morning, to recognise its little teeth and claw prints in my everyday life, how i react to Michael, why i feel towards things like the chores, and building my self esteem and being responsible for myself. they are like cockroaches, scuttling away into the darkness, when i turn the light on
fear of violence cause it may trigger my own violence
fear of being triggered, how to avoid the triggers, how to avoid the feeling of shame,
how to face the fear and the shame
how to make my shame into my ally, by recognising it for what it is, a feeling, little voice crying out, look at me, looke at me,
accepting my shame, owning my shame, choosing to expose it
Dmt go through me and contain, little tendrils, hard little roots spreading out into my body, and between my cells, scratching does not get those feelings out. shame is like that, recognising my reactions for what they are, fear driven, driven by the fear of exposing a shame
i get a feeling of hardness, hard attitude, that does not feel like me, the hardness, the inflexibily, the humour flees, nothing funny about that
feeling like, avoiding, escaping, silence, which i use to please someone else
but this doesn't always work
shame is transformed, by a transformer, the voltage is turned down, an attitude to be the shame transformer, sharing at meetings, little bits at a time, defuses the shame. do i want some way of defusing the shame at a touch of a button that doesn't involve sharing it? to wake up in the morning and at the touch of the buttons on the phone, i call someone, and speak to them, and if it is a safe AlAnon person, the shame is defused slightly, the more gradually the better, slow moves, slow moves run deepest, deepest roots have most impact, and as i excavate the shame, and loosen the emotional soil, water can come in, and defuse the ions that hold the soil close together in hardness
went to CoDA yesterday, there was a newcomer, i think these holidays i will go back to CoDA, and do WFD on Tuesdays and Wednesdays