i was sure i had april on here but it seems to have gone away, tonights task is to produce a short film stop motion glowy plasticine black light camera, needs to be set up, the stage set, plasticine at the ready i could do it on the mirror, or the mirror table i think i want to have a webcam on my room, i think i have an interesting room, and lots of cockroaches, i need to be over here more with the cat, so that Buddha can catch the cockroaches he would be an excellent alternative to bug spray, it seems to be much warmer over here than at my place i rang Kerryn tonight, and her phone's been cut off, and she is behind on her rent, now would be a good time to go to Mildura, and every time i take this shirt off and put it on, i rip it yes, that is it! i want to collaborate with Kerryn and Sheri Friday the 9th just went for a walk, it is the sunset, and the colours are fading from the sky, and i am listening to Kavisha Mazella, i wonder where her name comes from? i have an idea, Kavisha sounds like Aesha, which is Persian. it is very dry, all the grass is turning brown, and the grass that is getting any underground water really stands out cause it is going green more slowly, i wonder if it better for me to sit on the floor? i am more aware of how i am sitting, my back is giving me the shits, as though it has finally given up on me and how long that i lie in bed, i have to get up more often, and when i wake up in the night i should be getting up instead of just lying there Little Larysa is having a tantrum today, she is jumping up and down on her bed screaming, why am i always late? over and over, and i think she has been doing at all day. she tells me that she will tell me when she is over it, but that doesn't seem to be yet. and some other self is greiving about something but i haven't worked that out yet, i think it is someone horrified at LL bouncing on the bed yelling. last night on catalyst, it was a show on the chemicals of the body, and things that produce natural highs, and it showed people dancing and loving it, and i felt sad cause i have not been dancing regularly, and there is some grieving over the things that i am not doing often enough to keep me happy, things that make me happy, the brain chemicals to be released and make happy. and one of those things is nesting, and pottering in my flat, to make it more able to produce things, in the ways to which i prefer, and now i am hungry Sunday the 11th i know that there is a certain amount of time that i need to spend organising myself and my space and things, and that amount of time will vary on a daily basis, i need to do it regularly and often, as often as possible, on that daily basis, or twice daily basis, or as long as it takes, then i can monitor myself, my moods based on whether my flat is tidy or not, and whether i am on top of my domestic maintenance or not, and that can go into my daily inventory and then on those days that were like Friday(?) the day loomed large and long, and it seemed like it was just too long, and my brain was made of cotton wool, and all i could motivate myself to do was read, and i was merely relieved when i had eaten, until M came home, and then i felt better when i talked to him, and then i could get motivated to do something else besides read. so for today Wishlist of Things to do: [/]fold clothes [/]hang up curtain move computer [-]reduce clutter scrapbook [/]set UV stage [/]shoot some plasticine scenery [/]widen bathroom wallhanging well, i have lessened the clutter somewhat, in all the rooms, and i've moved my bed around, i've moved the computer into the middle of the bedroom, enough to realise that i really do need an extension cord, i would like to sit on my bed and use the computer, or i could move the bed closer to the power point, further away from the window, and i am thinking of moving the star table to the mirror, and shooting the scenery on that, although i can shoot the scene now, that is on the floor, i could put the camera on the computer, and to reduce the clutter in this room, i should take things off the altar, space and clutter, in equal proportions, that is what we are working to, so like along the wall, half stuff, and half nothing, yes, i will pack up the altar and make another one. here i am in my little flat, little world, M has gone to bed, and i am going to stay up a bit longer, then maybe i'll sleep a bit longer in the morning, i made a polenta and fruit pudding, it is very smooth, no, i do not like sitting on the floor in front of the computer, and then again, maybe it will make me get up and stretch more often Friday 16, i was asleep, it is about 11 pm by now i suppose, clock on computer isn't right, maybe i could reset it, it isn't far off, i have been asleep, yeah i said that, Dave was here, or at M's, and now he is gone, my back is sore, i think i am probably hungry, i shall have polenta and oatmeal for breakfast, Gaye asked me to go to the French Festival with her tomorrow, but now, i don't feel like going, and there isn't much cash left anyway, i bought an extension cord but i haven't moved the computer yet, my back hurts when i got up out of bed, and it is cold, and i have two pair of socks on, but it was warm in bed, and i guess i am kind of wondering whether to go back to bed at M's, and to stretch, or to do other stuff, stretch and go to bed at M's, John came home and dropped stuff on the floor, i had biscuits and ricotta cheese and spinach and tomato and walnut soup for dinner, and now i am just a few hours behind Carol i wonder whether i should get the fone on, i should get the computer fixed first, Linux still isn't installed, there is plenty of stuff to do, i just feel distanced from Carol, as though i could have logged on this evening with her and kept her entertained, not myself, her i live an interesting life, it is challenging, i thought of making up a Beyond the Q scrapbook, i could let June read my Mildura diaries, to give her an example of what i was like before, and i could put her mobile fone number in my fone, i had a go at the string bag again the evening, and got the clothes into a bit of a ball, and i have almost remembered the 10 attitudes of self esteem, Spellsinger is moving along and is really funny, and i am really looking forward to the OTHER FIVE of them!!! i am starting to chill off now, which means it is time to do something else, turn the heater on? i could close my door and close the bedroom off, i've never done that before either! :) :) and the door is closed, i've attached the light string to the hooks above the door with twisties, and i have moved the computer over to my bed, and i am sitting on it now! and it is so much more comfortable, and my keyboard is on my lap, and not sliding around and it is really easy to type, and now there is a bit of a gap against the wall beside the power point where the computer used to be, i like the monitor here cause it feels like company, funny that, so i guess i can sleep with my computer tonight, and wake up and just start typing, that is what we like. :) and i can hear John rolling over in his bed. aye, and i have just remembered something that i want to put in the virtual diary somewhere, about harnessing the power of the affirmation, and that may come from the 10 attitudes of self esteeming behaviour, but i think it could also be another list, in a book somewhere i ordered my new glasses today, Kel said that he thought my glasses where so fucked because the tint in the plastic weakens it structurally, and once the anti-reflective coating got scratched, that allowed the plastic to scratch. I've spent lots of money already this week, i have to.. to.. hmm, write about money, to work out a system of how to track it better, to track my spending. i like to have money to spend on food, so i can eat what i see, and i do see a lot of crap food, and want to eat it, if i take food with me, it is easier to buy less junk food out there, resisting things like buying the extension cord, and the glue, is much easier, i also bought a 10 tripper bus ticket, and a weekly translink ticket, and paid the previous fortnight's rent, when i get into the routine of buying weekly bus tickets, or even monthly ones :) then i should starting spending less on transport, i did buy house shopping as well, already this week i want a colour in calendar for the computer, ah! :) no, this idea is better! every day i stick a day on the calendar, and i make it like a collage, and it is my mood calendar! then it could go into the big scrapbook, i also thought of getting another scrapbook for Beyond the Q, one for me, and one for the red [] and i laced up the clothes ball and hung it on the wall, and it feels really good to look around at my room, and admire the work that i've put into it, and to mark the progress it is going through, now i am hungry again, and i suppose i could make myself a cup of hot sultana tea! and get a kettle, and even get the gas on, i wonder how i can turn my electricity credit, disposable? hmm... interesting, interesting, i suppose the easiest thing i can do about tafe is to find out next week when all the classes are, and then arrange to go to animation classes if i can get to them, and then change my enrolment when the computers come back up, or just go to Phil's classes, i know databases have to be overhauled, and there must be a better way to do it, hmmm i suppose this is like a computer system, information i put into it, and process it, and then some of it gets passes on, some gets consolidated and some gets deleted, i think i am getting tired again, my feet are chilling off, i can put the blanket on them. blanket is on me now :) back is getting sore again i went to officeworks, and i couldn't believe how much stuff was in there, and how i had never been in there before, and i think that that is a shop that i could work in! and i discovered so many things, OHPs for sale, i've never seen them for sale, and a tacking machine, and i wondered if it would tack clothes, and plastic document holders for screwing into walls, and i wondered whether i could attach them to a lattice and put books in them to show their covers. and i bought pva glue, and superglue later when i was at Kel's i tried to glue my sandle back together, but it is much more complicated for glue alone, and i couldn't get the superglue open so i used the pva, i looked at the hobby glue, and tried to work out why one would use that instead of pva. i also want to try out the monitor on the [] table. i could put the monitor on the computer, and i could put the monitor on the tall table as well, yeah, that is why i cleared that off and when i moved the window explorer icon to the desktop, it must have taken it away from its home on the start up menu, i guess i didn't copy it there appears to be nothing left on this HD of the stuff that i started doing for the ACOA book, i seem to think i started writing about Dad, but that may be in my diary as well, means, ... ah, yes, it is wherever the leftovers of the inventory went, the project inventory, the nesting inventory, i've still got that the Crazy Good Show is on this week, that is $10, and there was something else scheduled in that requires some money like $10 as well still need to find a suitable mouse pad for the bed, and of course the other advantage i've just realised to having the computer by my bed is that i can listen to music in the night! with my little earphones I rub my little hands together with glee, i must go and get them earphone now! Thursday 22nd you are my friend, when i write, there is someone that i am feeding, that is the best that i can understand it, i am listening to seb fontaine, i love being in my flat, my place where no one tells me what to do, where my toilet flushes, Michael is going on holiday soon, i can't wait, he is going to his mummy's place so she can wait on him, hand and foot, maybe that is being a bit cruel, i played my flute this eve while M was cooking tea, i was accompanying the Gary Newman CD, and then he thought that i should have compimented him on the dinner he cooked, and well, i didn't. i wish i wish i wish i was a fish, i like to be in my room, i like to look at my things, my rooms, my flat, are an expression of myself, using a room as a medium is fantastic, and i guess Narelle helped that idea to coagulate with me. Narelle from Mildura with her carp room, my room helps me, my flat is my ally, my room shows me that i am really a creature of simple comforts, warmth, some softness, and access to starch, and things to play with, and that is pretty much it. silence, stillness and solitude. all techno reminds me of Antarctica, it makes me want to feel the cold, without being consumed by it, being able to go out in it, and then come back to the womb and there is still that cave that i fantasize about, there is a cave, and there is me, and i am in some distant spacetime, investigating what is left of our "civilisation", and piecing together what happened. there is a dream that i have that recurs, it is a catastrophe, at first it was QIT under water, then it was QUT exploded and turned to rubble, then it was the whole earth and i was flying over it, the catastrophe is the catastrophe of my life, breakdown, my breakdown, the breaking down for the rebuilding, because the Universe is an exacting taskmistress, it starts with the rune Hagilaz, and the tower, the collapsing tower, catastrophe Gordon asked me if i still write, everyone writes i don't know why i did that, i started editting a www page, but all the pictures look really sad in 16 colours, and it made me sad just to look at Dave looked up Andrew Barlett on the www yesterday, and found his goth wwwsite, where he is made up like the Crow, and posing with a chicken, and i have just had a thought that he must have gone to Dominion, or some goth club at some time. all these toys that i have all these things to do, but now i want to make paper and the slogans poster now i have another feeling as though i am not supposed to be here, catalyst might be nearly on :) and it is about sleep :) Sunday25 i do not go to the AA convention, today is nesting day, it is dropping in temperature, it was quite humid before, and now the cat is trying to sit on my lap while i type, i have one of my arms over it i have moved the mirror table over to the stand up mosaic mirror, and it is covered in fluoro stuff, and i've packed up my altar, i meant to look in the box actually i don't know if my arm is very comfortable on the cat, if i keep moving my arm, it might get up and move, no, it is trying to lie down again, it seems to think that my life revolves around it, if i am sitting still staring into space, then it thinks that i could be better employed by patting it or something i bought some glue the other day, so i can make loops things to glue to my paintings, so they can hang up i took the material for the purple dress down from the wall, and now it looks really bare, i've hung some CDs up there, to replace it, and they should look nice when the sun shines on them, and i've adapted another plastic bag weaving to be a clothes ball when it is finished.