it is may now, Tuesday, the 4th, and my mind is a mess, i haven't done
morning pages for at least a week i suppose, but i did go on an artist
date this morning even if it was only for one hour,
as the semester progresses i'll have to start working on my assignments for
TAFE more often, and i am more likely to get depression triggers, as
assessment gets closer,
i think a better way to do an extra two days a week would be if i were not
at tafe
   i was booked for an appointment with the Community Work Coordinator today
to get information on Working for the Dole, they have an induction tomorrow
so that the people can start on Monday and i am just thinking about all the
things that i would like to do before i would start on Monday, like:
1. see Paul Sherwin, for a check up about my asthma, and
2. see a counsellor who should but which won't be Patricia,
3. i would need to buy more drugs,
4. i would have to change the day that i pay rent, or arrange for the bank
to do it and
5. change the day that i go to CoDA,
6. preferably have a place to have a nap on Tuesday evening before CoDA,
7. saying goodbye to the Monday CoDA meeting would mean that i could go to
the other CoDA meeting, and
8. then i should go to another Al-Anon meeting a week as well
9. i would like to be fitter.
   i wanted to go to the MoonFest as well, that is on tonight, but it is
getting cold already and i don't want to go out into the cold, and i would
have to go all the way to Shorncliffe on the train. and it would be dark by
the time that i got there, it is really cold in the morning now.  and all the
positive energy that i felt this morning about the Moonfest is gone.
    if i have to do an extra two days of work a week to prepare for work
i would rather be doing that at Al-Anon, or in PI, or at least through CRS
i feel all churned up
inside, a little angry that in one hour, i have been required to turn my life
upside down. i knew that i would have to change my days around, i was fairly
certain that i would need two days together because i don't have any free
days together, then when i came out of the meeting, i didn't know who i could
call, and Michael sent an SMS cause he wanted me to buy cream.
i put off getting more involved in the Artists Way programme until my
exercise routine was stronger, and my fun routine, then i could spend up to
4 hours a day doing sitting things, like writing or sewing

goals i guess this means it is goal setting time.
1. get a sponsor
who i can call at any time
2. goto another Al-Anon meeting a week
then i could do other things on Thursdays
3. goto other CoDA meeting
then i can do other things on Mondays
4. grow an exercise habit, practise every day for 21 days.
then i will be stronger
5. see another cousellor like the psycologist or social worker at Centrelink
6. find that positive attitude again that i had this morning
then i can do anything at all

i could do the induction tomorrow if i get up early enough to buy my drugs
it would be bad if i did the induction and put off buying drugs till late
cause i haven't had a full dose today, need more time to prepare, yes this
is throwing me into everything that i have so far learned
my life is like a tree and i can watch it grow
then i is nice to have time to start new things, to collect all the ideaettes
and develop them systematically

and the computer, well, it is certainly a grand word processor, but i would
really like to be able to make it do other things, like even to get to the
place that i was in before when i had 3Dstdio running under Win95, but all
the things that i've tried for the last few months, months, since i rewrote
the hard drive just haven't worked.  i have decided that i am never going
to do this again, and a working hard drive is better than one that doesn't.
and to not have any expectations of my computer and myself.
windows doesn't work properly cause it is not calling the CD drive except
when it thinks it is setting up windows then it is calling the CD drive cause
it reads the CD, maybe it does need the other floppy disk to boot the
computer first before it can call the CD for the setup

Wednesday
and while the morning pages are all very fun there are things that i want to
remember and refer to, but the bit about that sounds connects me to my
environment, it would different for everyone, sound, sight, and touching, but
sight doesn't really connect me, like if i close my eyes, i am not
disoriented to the same degree as when i plug my ears, it would be a cool
experiment to wander around with earplugs in, i might remember to where them
to a dance party next time that i go. wow, and my ear is full of gunk, there
is probably just as much in the other ear. these ear plugs make the best ear
cleaners, there is something quite fun about ear plugs for me, and maybe it
is exactly that sense of disconnection, i wonder if i can make earplugs out
of something that is not plastic, hmm, or some kind of latex or whatever this
stuff is. or even just finding the other earplug, so i can wear both of them.
things to do, too many things to do

today is Wednesday the 5th of May, it is four days till my birthday, my
mother wants me to go up to Nambour, for Sunday, which is also Mothers day
today i have to buy milk and ricotta cheese, no, i choose to buy milk and
ricotta cheese, cheese and milk for Michael and a lighter for John cause he
gave me $2. and i want to take $200 to the Fairy Shop for my dress, and
organise for the bank to pay my rent, but today, Just for Today, the most
important thing is to sit in my class, next most would be to read some of my
text book, and work on DTP www pages, and not to refer to assignments, maybe
assessment is a better word, it is very similar to assignment, but not the
same, deconstructing the word assignment.
the most important thing is to allay anxiety and to go serenely forth into
the day, serenely to the shops for milk and cheese, serenely to class,
serenely into the evening with Michael, to practice my principles in all my
affairs, to respect myself and my needs and desires as though they were my
children, and to look after my inner child, who needs me, who is my child,
is my part of myself. now i want to really clean out my ear.

now it is Monday night, the 17th, and i have started the Work for the Dole,
we are making a documentary about Work for the Dole, and today we picked a
working title of Beyond the Queue, it is the evening, M is doing his channel
surfing thing, it is annoyning, i can't think about something else. and there
are many other things that i would like to write about. i am feeling my ties
to the flat, ties, maybe more like a blanket, trapping the light outside of
me. a blanket of cold. because i would like to escape the television to the
place where my mind can overflow.
   i woke up at my usual time, and then waited for M to get up and go to
work, then i fell asleep again, woke up just before 7. i decided that it
would take too long to get ready and get on the road, so i went back to sleep
again, i had a dream, that i can't really remember but it was a warning not
to do too many things at once and making my life unmanageable.
   so then when i got to Nundah, i just signed in and no one asked me where
i had been. and i just slipped in to whatever they were doing, which was
critiquing a video, which was the precursor to the one that we are making,
it was not well made, the sound was nonexistant, in fact there was only one
patch of sound really. so it wouldn't be hard to make a better film.
   aye! life is changing before my eyes, unfolding as it should.
   we are going to do show and tell tomorrow, if we all remember to bring all
bits for the show and tell.
   blah blah maybe it should just stop trying to think and just let the words
trickle out, like drops of water, drop drop drop, words falling out, one
word after another like watching thoughts drifting by outside my mind letting
them leak out one by one, thought by thought, like all those other things
that respond to water and wind, like leaves, light floating things, gossamer
and thisteldown, i saw a milkweed plant today, i can use it to make twine,
like the twine that Koah made and gave me with the rabbit&fox roadkill bag,
   staring at the blue screen, let it all pass through the little brain, one,
two, three, i wonder if counting works too? i do want to put my life into
a kind of order, or my thoughts, ordered thinking, thinking about order,
there is that time for chaos and time for order, a space for clutter, and
a space for flow, what is the antichaos? it is clutter and order. polar
sides, yin and yang, clutter and order, space and clutter, spartan and
clutter, strippedness, and clutter. i i i am angry at the television, i am
angry with something, my own ineffectiveness. or do it fear?  i am fearing
something, changing something, making decisions.
   i have written nearly two pages, but not quite a page of stream of
 conches. i am angry because television could be so excellent, but it is only
 as good as the worst of us, the lowest common denominator, Big Brother is
 there for the lowest common denominator, if we don't know enought

Wednesday 19th
oww, i've just ripped at my finger but i pulled the quick in the wrong
direction, i think i feel a little more relaxed today than i did when i sat
here last.  i went to college today, and i played in the creek, i know i feel
at least more connected to the creek since i've been playing there, cleaning
out the algae, i wondered whether the algae could be used for spinning.
and all of assessment is due in the next weeks, and then there is one more
week until the exam, and then one more week until the end of the semester.
i took Breathe to work yesterday and showed the team and they seemed to be
impressed, why are those books there? what was i going to do with them?
now i can type more slowly. i am still using edit, windows does not work.
i found some material onnnn.... *sigh* i got distracted again.
   i think i might go back to crocheting the beanie for Michael. it is
getting colder at nights. still pretty hot in the daytime. blah blah blah

Thursday
teeth feel like sandpaper, or the cat's tongue, tongue doesn't taste as bad
as it did at 3am, woke up, didn't get up, dreamt of snow, of speaking to
Maree, of .. oh well, it will come
everything smells like pot, maybe i should open the front door now
i keep remembering things, i started to write them down last night, memories
and there must be four or five pages of my life by now, and i sure as hell
wish that i had kept my diaries, that i gave to Jon, well, this is certainly
turning out to be a fascinating experience and i am remembering more and more
things, and finding out which things are misplaced.
wow, i reckon i could pinpoint the time that i took DMT from the time when
i can't remember how everything went, no, but not from the time in New Farm
the DMT was well before i lived in New Farm, i had just met Ergot, Jeremy,
online in Bendigo, he said are you coming to Melbourne and i said i could,
did someone get married in Bendigo? so on the way back from Bendigo, i went
to Melbourne, met Jeremy, and took DMT