Sunday 1st wow, it is August, it is starting to feel like a long year, like if i tried to remember what i was doing this time last year, i think we were just about to or had arrived back from north QLD, and M was going back to work, and that seems like it was at least a year ago. and i wouldn't know where is the stuff that i wrote last year, on the computer, i must have been writing in a book of some kind as well it rained today, but not for very long, the ground is dry and hard, and the grass is brown, i am up to the 3rd spellsinger book as yes last night's 2am bright idea was "The Wwwsite". for a WFD project, to design and implement a wwwsite out of a list of something to do with Brisbane, like a calendar site, something that would be able to be attached to the BCC. cause www design is something that i know about, and it will produce a useful product that could stick around for quite a while, dependent on who buys it, and something for people to show off, "I Made This", but it leaves plenty of flexibility for people to really develop themselves at the same time, making things creatively or creatively adapting. ramble ramble and then i just like to write, i feel it hasn't been much of a WE, i feel unsatisfied, i keep feeling like i should bake something, there are plenty of choices, i want to bake dried fruit and nut bars, and polenta and oatmeal pudding, and shortbread and bread and cake, and i have just realised that maybe i am not honouring she-who-wants-to-bake, because i keep hedging at it, and i'm not sure why, but someone wants to bake, somegirl nearly always wants to bake, she-who-bakes, and if i allow myself to bake, it will enable her to be happy. i don't necessarily want M to come over here, but *I need* to come over here, to ground, to do the grounding things like writing, and making things, and nesting, pottering, and tidying and listening to my own head, music, to remember all the things that i don't remember at M's place. i've thought of a way to make the rosettes for the slogan posters, by sticking down strips of cut up junk mail over and over each other, sticking out from the ground, so maybe i should just make one, and then figure out how to stick it on a ground. and then all the rosettes stick to the ground to make up letters, the letters of the slogans. i told Margaret that i would call her yesterday, but i haven't got all the numbers off my phone yet. i am angry at how much time i spend at M's doing nothing that makes me feel better about myself. and i don't much feel better now still, i want to curl up in bed again and read, like i did last night, i don't want to have a shower, i don't want to cook, i don't want to pull my weight. angry about something, and i think i will only find it by positive meditating, but if i find out what it is, then i'll have to let it go, and do something positive to replace it. i feel as though things are not quite right, but it is *me* who is not quite right. Tired: i'm tired me: of course you are, there is nothing to look forwards to, except going back to Michael michael makes me tired, he saps me, like a maple tree being tapped when it isn't the right season, cause in springtime, the magical sap rushing, i don't know if they notice people pricking them, perhaps it is not our season to be effusive, but to be passive i want to go to sleep, it is too hard sitting here? talking to me is too hard? no, there is nothing wrong with sitting here music's picking up, music really affects us you know, are you sure you don't want to dance? dancing girl does, cause she always wants to dance. i am not really so tired that i can't stay awake no, we know what that is like and why does everything take so long? becuse we have to do everything one thing at a time, and there are lots and lots of things to do but why? cause that is just how it is, we are made up of so many people in us, and they want to do their thing, why do i have to be so important? now, that is a good question, maybe we should convene everyone on that, you are important though, cause you speak for a lot of us, and you are in all of us, and that is just how you are, until, i dunno, maybe we could withdraw you and then you can be in fewer of us, you contain a lot of us, there would have to be some transference to others of us what is a healthy self? couldn't there be a healthy Larysa? she would be able to pick up what is tired and what is emotional so you are a physically tired us but some other kind of tired us, a bored us perhaps? an us with cold feet, come on, lets go see M, and what? just find out how i feel. we can come back here you know and perhaps you are a bit of cross us yes, i am a bit cross, i don't know how to get away from Michael and put up the us who loves and misses Michael? well, that an insecure Larysa isn't it?, we don't want to encourage an insecure us. where is the CoDA stuff anyway? get it, read it, read it to me. Thursday 5th went to Al-Anon today, it is very windy, so i am airing out my flat and my bedding, all these clothes could probably go out on the clothes airer, the clothes that my bed is made of, and John said that the fire brigade will give people $50 for cars, and tow them away as well, and i guess they burn them, set fire to them for putting out fire practice well, just hang out all my jumpers and such, the keyboard needs dusting, that is a job for a paintbrush my room looks much better with less stuff in it, it is getting dark now, and i have to decide whether to make the bed again, and how can i keep the moths out of my mohair? i'm hungry Friday 6th there is no cat, i haven't seen it all day, i am listening to AirDrawnDagger, it is 11:17am, today Adam and Will and the head honcho of the ABC talked about hybrid Aus/US TV shows that could be pitched because of the FTA trade agreement that john howard signed with the US M is away for the weekend, and there are all these things that i want to do, cause he is away, and i can spend all my time on myself, and my flat, things to do in the flat, are a general tidy up of all the loose things that are floating around, there are a few of them, my flat is not a reflection of my state of mind as such as a reflection on my habits, and then i have to pay my rent today as well, i want to work on my wwwsite, and improve that, i don't like the image map, needs more colour, the words are too dominant, and to make a cover for Breathe to send away, and then i can send away a copy to FOE for Wild Spaces, the tape is ready to go, i suppose it should have a sticker on it, and i might put this whole mattress outside before i leave too, cause it is dusty as well, and then move everything else out and vacuum need to practise my xhtml, and css and of course, i still do want to get Linux on this machine, and to get Windows 98 to run properly again, so that it can render, but maybe i could also find a copy of Pov Ray to run on the machine too need to write a letter to Suze about all the things i learned in art school need to email C about meeting her tonight and as i sit here i think about problem solving, how do i solve problems? how do i draw up plans? orders of priority, how one thing impacts on another. how can i improve the whole process? to remember where i am up to, i suppose that is the review. to review one's progress, is something taking too long? how important is it? here we are today on Larysa's improvement show, where we show you how i improve things a little bit at a time my nose is full of dust from moving all the stuff around in the flat, and the sneezing and the inflammation makes me tired. it is Sunday, the 4th Michael rang me this morning, it seemed like i was never going to get out of bed, i have eaten, and had coffee and drugs, i missed writing yesterday, writing here helps me to focus, and if i don't focus, i have a day like yesterday, where it was just easier to not get motivated to anything, i read, i find that doesn't need much motivation to do that, and i ate, and i slept a lot, went to bed early and went to bed early on Friday night as well, my life is about continually being tested, and now, my flat is full of dust, i slept in M's flat last night, and my sinuses do feel much better, than yesterday, i probably didn't drink quite enough water yesterday, tomorrow is Monday, going back to work, and i want to bake, bake the baked the good, when i am caffeinated, brain sparking, i want, i want i want, a whole bunch of things, that pile up and up, and become a tower so tall and unwieldy, it inevitably falls over, then at the opposite side, there is me that wants to sleep and sleep and sleep, to be totally anaesthetised, and if i can't sleep, then just to lie where it is dark and warm. i wonder if the plant is the perfect organism because they don't have any decisions to make, and is that my fantasy of perfection? that if i didn't have any decisions to make, then i wouldn't have anything to feel guilty about, to think as fast as light my flat really is a mess, it is very untidy, it seems almost like i don't know how to be tidy, i know how to tidy up, but not how to be consistently tidy it is evening, i have moved my bed, and nearly everything else, except the wardrobe, and vacuumed under it, i feel very accomplished, it is 6:40pm which plenty of time to cook tea, have a bath, do something, and go to bed at a reasonable time, and if i peg up the black plastic, i should be able to wake up with the sunlight, the flat actually feels better, but i don't know if that is just because i know how much i've vacuumed, and then i'll bring the clothes in when i have had my bath, oh, and i've put all the books into the white cupboard, and i want to get a plain white globe to put in here, cause when i want to read in here, it sucks Wednesday 11th, blah, computer has crashed twice now, it doesn't seem to do playing the CD and reading the floppy disk together, i know that if i want to progress with making more digital film, i will need a new computer. i need to talk to someone who does flexirent, or just rents, we want to see how long, how long it takes to do things and how annoying another version of windows is, not that i really know this version that well anyway, i thought i had a copy of "misty morn" on something, a disc, cause i want to send that to the UQ Vanguard competition, and the horse and mangoes to the readers' digest or something like it. today is the last day of the Ghibli showcase, and i would like to go and see those movies, at least one, but probably not nearly as much as i want to write, type at the computer, nest and potter at home i thought again of making stop motion aminations of my room, moving stuff around in my room, and animating fluoro world, and making a story board, but since i've started thinking about the Life's like that, i've been thinking of heaps of stories, and i want to ring Suze, cause i said she was "comeing around"? on the answering machine, and maybe it will rain, went to see Freaky Lou at the Zoo last night with M and DAVE i was typing earlier about being angry, i wonder if that is why the computer froze, hmmm... a story about a girl who loves her computer. well, i wouldn't mind knowing if i have got misty morn somewhere. it is afternoon, i have had a nap and fixed the floppy drive, i like it was something about the memory, so when i took the case of the computer, there was a spider web in, i dusted it all off, and now the drive is working as well as before, still listening to Sasha my computer is a very special tool, with so much flexibility, so much power to enable me to create all kinds of things, i have bonded to my computer, and when my computer is down, i am down too, if my hard drive is full, then i am emotionally overwhelmed, like my brain is full ah of course Dave was doing his little dance on Tuesday, he'd got his computer back, with all its porn and mp3s, and i can understand that. if i get to have cool stuff on this computer as well, i will be so happy, i will be overjoyed, and ecstatic, and filled with goodness, and good feelings and now i can have it forever and love it and keep it cause now it is my DESKTOP! so that i can see it and read it every time i turn the computer on i know what i want to do with the blocks of knitting, and how to crotchet them together, i am going to just keep one edge straight, and then it can be a blanket and a cloak, and then i can wear it around as i add bits to it. i have this anxiety about being unoccupied, about not using my time constuctively when *I* want to, and whenever i want to, something about going away from home, because i will be away from my things that i use to "heal" myself? things that i make, my resources, that i will run out of some irreplaceable something, it is a variation of not having something that i will need, when i know it is at home, i have it, and i am angry that i left it behind, it is comfort thing, i derive comfort from having my things around me that i can turn my hand to i like my new glasses, they are excellent Saturday, the 21st, i am hungry, and there is chocolate, maybe i should eat it, it is getting cold too, the day is closing, i have just read all of (most of?) my poetry again, and it must be almost 3000 words or just over, i have called it cornucopaeia, and it is a cludgeall file, i am thinking about entering it in the UQ Vangard competition, it closes on the 1st of Sept, they want it on a floppy disk as well, and it can have a picture go with it too, so i could put a picture with it as well, a tapestry of all of my images, kind of like what i would like to do anyway, like in a table of everything, i vacuumed the floor again today, and M's flat, then he started being a dickhead so i left, he does really irritate me sometimes, and i have to keep handing it over i am still considering how i could enter the payphone competition, it does have a theme, it is called "Australians connecting" which i didn't notice at first from the postcard, otherwise i would have realised that i would need to make a whole new picture i think i really need to meditate, i went to tafe today to draw and film the curlews, and cleverly i managed to get about 3 seconds before the battery died over the kookaburra, so i am a bit peeved at that, especially after i told M that "i don't do that anymore". words, so many words spinning around in my head, it is getting cluttered again, like my flat, i feel as though i haven't been in here for a week, and i feel as though i need to do a morning page, and today visiting the curlews felt a little bit like an artist date, it lasted two hours, and i didn't speak to anyone. and everything i did, i did for me, my flat isn't nearly as cluttered as it could be, so i am pleased about that, i want a rug, a big heavy rug to put on the floor, that is not a chenille bedsheet cat is asleep on my bed i am afraid, today i have thought of the perfect story to submit to reader's digest, about making my sandles and showing them off to mum's friend, and her saying, didn't i have any money to buy shoes with? but still i do not rush to type it out or write it down, Gaye rang and invited me to lunch, HK rang, and wanted to put makeup on me, Maree rang and took me to Al-Anon, Margaret rang, and told me her problems, and i think that is really good too and on Thursday night, i slept right through the night and didn't wake up for the first time since i've started sleeping with M. there are many things i have to be thankful for.