it is 2:30 am, and i cannot sleep. maybe this could count as morning pages.
my computer doesn't go as before. it limps along like me, as usfully as it
can.  maybe the most primitive technologies are still the best ones.
the ones that are the hardest to break. a bit like a brain, a brain
contributes to making a mind, and a mind is very hard to break.

so then i thought about writing a letter to David Hinchcliffe, and so i was
able to roll out of bed cos i knew i could just turn on the computer and
start writing. he has been niggling at my conscious mind for ages, until
i saw the traffic box he painted, or really looked at it, and made the
association that i couldnt' have made before. that the "David Hinchcliffe"
on the traffic box could actually be the Councillor Hinchcliffe.

we write for ourselves. the writer writes for the writer.
i feel as though it is a luxury to have a computer just to write on

PADDINGTON WALK
yesterday was a big day, April 2. i walked to Paddington. John prompted me
when he asked me to get him some chips from the shop.  the "shop" of myth and
legend was not nearly as far away as i thought it would be. and as i was
coming back to the flats, i realised that it wasn't too hot to go for a walk,
maybe even the walk to Paddington, that i have been putting off for months
through fear and lack of commitment.

i saw many interesting things that i would like to draw, like the cactus in
the tree and the pandanus palm, and the trees with their roots sticking out
of the ground like a meandering river,and the sensitive plants, and the
weird house with the tennis court in the front yard, with the 10 foot fence.

i should tell people to practice their typing in the dark, so they can't see
the keys on the keyboard. i have got the black light on, so it isn't nearly
as dark as it could be, but it should be less likely to bother M if he wakes.

so i get to La Trobe Tce, Paddington, thinking that it isn't really as far
as i thought it would be, i turn right and i walk up La Trobe Tce, and i
notice that it is starting to feel like Melbourne.  the Java Cafe has tables
chairs on the sidewalk.  then i saw the Mary Ryan Bookshop, and just went
in, without really thinking about it, but thinking that i would look for the
Artists Way.

and it was there so i bought it, and i took it downstairs to the cafe to read
it. the cafe part feels like someone's lounge room. and i looked through the
bibliography as i do now, and in it was "Spiritual Emergency" by Christina
and Stan Grof. i couldn't believe it was a book that i hadn't met yet.  i
got the amazed feeling like my chakras opening, and it made me feel really
good, like i was in the right place at the right time.

then i went to the faery shop, and the woman who runs the shop was ironing,
and my heart went out to her, she said she is ironing to pay the rent.
i loved being in the faery shop, i could remember when i was there
last, and first saw the white velvet wedding dresses. i checked out the white
velvet wedding dresses again, and put one on layby, it will cost $300,
and she had Peter Pracownick greeting cards and i might get one for M,
the one with the cool tree. she would like any books on the Arthurian legend
that are not the usual tales.  i was in the shop for an hour.

caught a bus into the city and saw Patricia
bought Dream Alchemy, saw Prozac Diary, get this book to read
saw another one called: Happiness is a full bowel movement every day :)

went to library to look for "Spritual Emergency" by the Grofs, Des seems to
think that M at the Circle will have it, and that the Grof books tend to
be expensive. (what a surprise!)

BCC libraries do not have SE, but the www had a summary of it, and much more
stuff besides that i shall wade through, i linked it to my wwwsite. and an
interview with Terrence McKenna about aliens, because the Grofs say that
alien encounters can prompt spiritual emergency. (what a Co-Incidence)
and as i started to read the stuff on SE, my mood just deflated, i could feel
all my energy leaking out

i tried calling C, couldn't get her, went to archives, found another Stan
Grof book that referred to SE. leafed through it, and then i went home.

SOME GOALS (don't be afraid to aim high)

to be happy healthy and sane, to follow good orderly direction
to "make a living" for myself, to be alive and productive at the same time
  $ to make a living that is productive and healthy for me

to tell my story
to express myself (on a traffic box)
                  - an Artists' Way workshop

to paint a traffic box []
 % collect the pictures
 % take to HandsOnArt

to network with others (some of them could be role models):
 * this means meeting people
 * listening
 * keeping an Open Mind
 * accepting the people
 * asking intelligent questions (knowing what i want)
 * evaluating


LETTER TO DAVID

i seem to think that there is something that you can tell me that i need to
know.  i thought you might be a bit different to other councillors when you
came to a meeting?, an information session on council grants for one off
events. because i don't meet many councillors in the natural course of events
in my life

the BCC has many interesting options available to one such as myself. i am a
mental health consumer and i am "incapacitated", but i would rather be
becoming more useful.

i would like to:
write my autobiography
run an arts and handcraft festival
to help the lady in the faery shop because the people who believe in faeries
need to be nourished.

get Hogfather for the lady in the faery shop

"in the first instance, contact your ward councillor.."

"and what is the nature of the appointment?"
"i want him to give me a job"

i'm hungry, maybe i should eat something, the water isn't doing it for me


yes, i like this colour, it is such a deep shade of blue like azure.
i suppose i should tell you about my weekend

i think it started when i read the www pages about spiritual emergency.
that is when my energy started leaking out so that when....

the next day, Michael told me that he wanted his key back, i got angry,
then i went into shock, thinking about how unreliable i was now, that i
couldn't be trusted with a key.  later on that night i kept thinking that
if i couldn't get into M's flat i would have to keep food in my flat, and
then i would have to lock it up to keep Dave out of it.

in the morning i talked to michael about it all, and he said he didn't really
want his key returned, he was just trying to scare me, but i didn't really
get over that "scare" because it triggered all this other stuff

now that i am writing all this down, i can see how crazy it all sounds. 

on Sunday M and i went to the Botanical Gardens which would normally make
me feel really happy but i stayed depressed all day.

that night was worse. i felt like i was desparate to get into hospital to
have someone look after me. i thought about calling Lifeline, or calling
the ambulance to get them to pick me up cause i was going crazy,
then remembering that the last time i talked about the ambulance, i was told
that a person going crazy is not a life threatening situation. i kept
thinking that they wouldn't let me in because i would not seem crazy enough.
i suppose i just wanted someone to look after me. (and still do)

then later on in the day i saw a social worker at centrelink and she
told me to ring Patricia. because maybe i should call her because she should
be told how i was.

i was afraid, terrified, that if i broke down again, i would not be in a safe
place. as though there is no one that can really understand what it feels
like when my mind is falling about. just reading about the spiritual
emergency brought it all back to me, and being awake and alone at 3am makes
me feel much much worse.

i feel like i am still at school when i would dream about all the things that
i would like to do when i got out of school. school was like a prison.
now that i am not in school anymore i feel like i should be able to do all
those things, and it is just not happening yet.

now i am staring, do you get that way when you stare at a word for so long
that you forget what it means? and then i realise that words only make sense
when they are in the context of other words.

i dreamed that my boyfriend was an alien and i had sex with him, and i was
trying to prove to other people that these aliens could help us.

so after talking to John yesterday i have realised that i am not really
afraid of Michael but i am afraid of alienating him. i am afraid that i won't
be able to communicate the depths of my emotional maelstrom, and if can't
tell how anyone else how ill i am will i ever know if i do need professional
help? (the hospital)

Saturday, the 24th, Anzac Weekend
my energy level is quite high, maybe as high as i would like it to be, i am
at home, and i have driven M and Nathan to the Paddo, C rang, and she wants
to go out for dinner, and i don't know if i really want to because i've only
got $20, well, actually i have a bit more than that, there is some change
in my money bag, and $20 in the bank, and my rent money, M said he would lend
me $13 for the German Film Fest, so he would probably lend me $20 to go out
with C for dinner especially if i phone him first,
i think that designing things is always a challenge, to design something that
i can make for myself to make my life easier, cos there seem to be a lot of
things that i am trying to do, and i have all these skills and resources but
then to put them all together, that is the part that does not just "flow".
hmm like making a bag, container of some kind out of CDs, to hold in large
things like the plastic flowers, or clothes, or paper, big things that won't
fall through the holes, everything that i want...
C just rang and i can't remember what that thought was, but there are toffee
bananas in Paddington with out names on them  :)