It is September, nearly, Equinox, Thursday, the 18th, i am going to Al-Anon today, at Morningside. am sitting in my new flat, i have made a nest in the corner, or started to, it needs more clothes i think, ah yes, and i have more clothes, just pulled them out of the car. i want to make my bed in this corner, so that i can sleep with my computer, and when i wake up in the early mornings, i can just reach up and turn it on, and do something signed lease on Sunday, i just moved a wardrobe in by myself, it took ages, cause i was trying not to damage anything, i feel very pleased with my effort, but it just looks like it is about to fall over. i finished a book called the Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome, by Wayne Kritsberg, found it to be lucid and succinct, he uses the Family Integration System (FIS), as a simple way of getting adult children to record their thoughts and feelings in an integrated way, and he uses the "talking-to-my-little-self" dialogue, so that made me think that lots of therapies must use it. so the FIS consists of: 1.The Daily Log 2.the family tree reading this section filled me with trepidation because i didn't want to find out about all the idiots in my family, and i don't want to find out more about them 3.the family group sheet 4.family myths 5.personal history 6.the magical child 7.family members 8.influential persons mum dad the Valentines lloyd hamilton always felt safe john woodley always felt safe 9.affirmations "I can enjoy my mother." 10.spiritual reflections 11.integration the FIS gets elaborated in the second half, the 1st 1/2 talks about children of alcoholics, and the symptoms, and i got depressed thinking about it. but only for a few days, and only when i thought about the book, and finishing it, after a couple of days, i thought to myself, the rest of the book will be better, and it was, and it made me feel much better because i could understand how it worked, FIS, and i could see that i could make it work. since i read it, i went to the Valentines place on the weekend with my mum, and Peter has got dementia, and then when i got back to Red Hill i dreamed that i had dementia, that i couldn't read anymore, everytime i tried to read a sentence in a book, it was a different sentence, "there are too many words on the page" i said, "i guess i can't read anymore." someone said, "do you ever think you have had too many drugs?" i woke up scared and confused, and the most sense i could make of it, there was much more to it, was that this is what it is like to have dementia, even the most basic brain functions like putting a spoon to my mouth, i cannot depend on anymore, and this took my back to my breakdown state. i rely so much on my hand eye coordination, higher brain functions, being able to count in my head, my times tables, knowing how to learn things, new skills, practice, making habits, and all these things crystallised, how scary it would be if i lost all them, Peter can't read because the words would move around too much, "i can't see, everything is moving around" being able to use a computer, if i could not use a computer anymore... if i didn't know how to animate, if i couldn't write anything anymore, or couldn't draw.. since my breakdown, i have learned new things, mostly information, but skills as well, like how to get out of bed in the mornings, how to turn a situation around, how to grow a habit, new ways of thinking about things, learnings, how to use information, learned to recover... so this is my daily log, and also my affirmation works, "i can enjoy my mother." and it worked on going back to Woodridge. i have come to depend on the slogans more and more, HOw important is it? First things 1st. easy does it, Keep it Simple, count my blessings thinking that they are just ... there. that there is always a slogan for a situation, resting in waitfulness and waiting in watchfulness, being thankful for what i have, these are all skills, cognitive skills, habits of thinking recovery i fear not the next Patricia appointment, or the next CRS appt. and i am happy of that. it would be nice if the clock on Lithium worked i have scaled back my Prozac, to 20 mgs, because i thought it is probably contributing to my insomnia, and because i will be seeing Patricia again soon. i go through these phases when i realise that i could probably deal with going back to work, and then i forget about it, but it is at least a sign that my self-con is returning the flat comes with a free cat too. it's name is Buddha. :) and it either likes me, or just likes company. it is good when it looks at me, and it makes me feel happy just to have it around. i like it to come and go as it pleases, and include me in its life. now i am hungry, and must go eat, and get stuff together for trip to Al-Anon. Art Day Craft Day Dance Day Adventure Day Medicine Walk Day today is Adventure Day on the play school calendar 20th, Saturday today is sick day on the play school calendar, hay fever bad, i sneeze about 10 times an hour, i should have started the ginger tea earlier, am drinking it now, am also looking for a way to upload files from the karma onto lithium, i think it will have to be a midi file, the .sng files, there is nothing to open them, i shall look in the manual again i need some kind of project scheduler, i made a music poster for Michael this afternoon, and i am weaving plastic medallions for my own super mat, which i will sleep on, and that will be the bed taken care of, i do not like being sick it pissed me right off 21st Sunday 4am, Equinox i saw the moon yes i am a bit pissed off, because i obviously can't "be told" to piss off, by Michael either, Carol and Michael both the same, and that pisses me off. well, if i do spend more time here by myself, or out doing my own thing, instead of just lurking in his flat, he will just have to come to me, of course that means i'll have to buy food, my own food, and keep it here, and eat it, and all that stuff food is just problematic first he says why aren't you in bed, then he says well if you didn't sleep in till 11 o'clock you wouldn't have insomnia. hmmm.. and it is really because i go to bed to early, and i don't meditate before i sleep and i don't relax properly. and if i did all those things, i would certainly have less time for insomnia, and pestering Michael but he is sick, and when i remember that, i can understand why he is so prickly, which is not the same as pointy i have started drawing flowers again to try to make the jacabba, or whatever Midgley called it. Tuesday Michael has wrecked my fingers again from sparring, very annoying, i spent the morning cleaning M's flat, there is mould all over the walls, had breakfast and lunch today, took my pills, saw Patricia yesterday, i have a poppyseed stuck in my tooth hole. i bought Passion by Peter Gabriel on Sunday, and it sounds just as good as what i remember, i have listened to it about 4 times today, as i was cleaning the bath, i was listening to a piece that sounded like Jesus triumphant, that Jesus was celebrating beating the challenge of death, celebrating his resurrection, and that piece is called "It is Accomplished". i felt full of joy as i listened to it, it transported me into the realms of death, to realise that it is not a thing to fear this CD will bring up my stuff for me, the music is beautiful, and has so much personality, it has reminded me that music is another dimension Friday Living Archeology, it is like living archeology that they are coming to study, us because we are still in the primitive stages of evolution, like us studying stromatolites, and by studying us, they gain insight into themselves, which in turn feeds back to us. through the channels of Imagination. Angie but Angie has decided to study a dead planet. or rather a planet where the human content has expired, not so much to figure out why they expired, that happens all the time, and has been documented many times by many different races, angie is cataloguing the effects that this dead race had on this planet, she is drawn to this planet, in her dreams, and intuitions, as though there is a mystery that only she can unravel, and only in some other time and place is a person at the liberty to study an entire planet. i mean it is okay and fun to think about space faring tech. but what about the societal and cultural technology that allows a single individual the resources to study an entire planet? it isn't like angie is just "in the park" for a nature study with a magnifying glass, she has all the technology of her culture that she is aware of at her disposal, computers that i can only dream of, the ability to fly around the planet, or a hyper highway to the important areas of the planet, telepathic ability with the other residents of the planet, and the people from her own planet, and ways for herself to get herself and stuff from her planet to the dead planet regularly, transmit information, a cable channel, tv channel, documentary style, but Angie seems to be self-contained enough to not require much traveling "back home". the dead planet is more like her home that where she was born. telekinesis, and probably some ability with tele whatsis, where you touch an object, and it can tell you stuff about itself. and angie is alone, she must be alone for this study because more people would displace the equilibrium anyway more of that later, a miniature vacuum cleaner to suck the cat hair out of the keyboard, i think the best way to start this off is to write an imaginary journal. angie's journal, of her experiences, ah and i can tie this in with... because not only would she require sustenance, angie has chosen to take sustenance from the dead planet, for then she is better able to receive information about it, she is designed/modified to 1. photosynthesise 2. secrete mucilage, that absorbs nutrients from the soil 3. design nanotechnology from the diatoms in the sea this means that at the same time as she is using her little brain to think about the effects of the dead race on the planet, she has a body that is designed to work to maximum efficiency on clean air, and water and much fresh sunlight, and this also strengthens her intuition to the other residents of the planet angie dreams... she is home, she is floating in the sea, and all the little diatoms are there, they are saying, welcome home again, we have got so much to show you, and they take her off with them, she flows like a cell in a stream of blood flowing through her own veins... in an instant she is all around the planet, she feels the water, she knows that she is water, and knows what the planet knows, knows what all the water knows, in the sea, the sky and in the earth, well that is a surprise, how deep the water the goes, and how much it knows because of how deeply it goes, it is able to transmit thoughts and feelings entirely through the planet, it is the interconnectedness of all things for this planet. angie tells the living planet why she is here, here to learn, about what her kind does to the planetary kind, still a hotly contested issue in the Hegemony. angie is of the opinion that the only way to know is to experience, she is able to transmit that holistic experience back to the hegemony, the experience of being one with the planet, so then to understand fully the effects of ignorance on the planets. little angie, remember that you cannot heal us, but by coming to us, and opening yourself, you show us that you are willing to heal yourself, and that *is* how you become one with us, how you come home. this is how you can make it to rain. and angie feels that she is crying, she can feel the tears coming from her eyes, and she can feel that there is rain falling on the parched earth, in her pain comes the rain, rain to sooth and heal, herself and the earth. "if we gained access to a stargate" well then we would be very closely watched. that is if Stonehenge or the pyramid is not already a stargate, well, i wrote an angie journal entry, and i am trying to describe how it felt to wake up from that dream, where i had been dead well that is not what i was expecting but it feels good to write it parallel lives