"Quakers; we're not just a cereal anymore."
-Heather
"Those cars have been going in circles three times out there."
-Meliss
"They are practicing, hun."
-Me
"The cars can practice?"
-Meliss
"That is what I said, I know what I'm talking about. What?"
-Me
"I'm rocking on steps, stepping on rocks...something."
-Me
"It's a boy because it(a moose) has a rack."
-Katie
"Girls have racks..."
-Me
"NOT THAT KIND!!"
-Katie
"Attention all teachers. Please dismiss all band students for their trip to Walmart. Thank you."
-Intercom Lady at School
"What makes me butterman?"
-Me
"If Merlin were here, we could just fly back to class!"
-Mrs. Wiseman
"We're talking about jumping on all fours, eating the grass crazy."
-Mr. Munn
"I'm a big flaming boom of death."
-Me
"I can mate! I just won't have a mate..."
-Me
"I want a quickie, but it makes me sick."
-Katie
"It irks my tator."
-Mrs. Sylte
"Burger King's son is Lord of the Fries."
-Sara
"Mr. Whonsetler doesn't blow rabbits."
-Me
"I can't imagine him shed."
-Me
"Go back to begging and then do the fin�."
-Meliss
"What...Do you go 'Please! PLEASE! Take me to the fin�!! OH PLEASE!!"
-Me
"Lions and tigers and opossums, oh my!"
-Me
"That has no time like crutons on a Caesar Salad."
-Katie
"Did the Warsaw Pact take place in San Francisco?"
-Natalie
"Those are like the $5 pencils that cost $5."
-Becky
"It's a...itsy bitsy tiny teeny yellow polka dot SPIDER!"
-Katie
"In her skin, when she jumps out, don't you jump in."
-Amber
"I can be your hairo, Laura."
-Amber
"The itsy bitsy bikini climbed up the drain, down run the drain and the end."
-Katie
"It was an albino nightlight thing!"
-Amber
"It's like death on wheels!"
-Katie
"I don't even know what you said, but you looked really dumb doing it."
-Amber
"Some dogs pant a lot when it's not hot and you say 'Why are you panting? It's not hot."
-Mrs. Chapman
"I wear butt jeans."
-Amber
"I went and pooped up the computer."
-Sara
"You're weird"
-Amber
"What about the rest of you?"
-Katie
"There's more of me?"
-Amber
"I can hear you looking at me, Becky."
-Jess
"There's no alcohol in beer."
-Jess
"I'm gonna beat the chit out of you."
-Me
"I don't have any chit."
-Katie
"Then I'm going to shove lobsters down your throat and beat them out of you."
-Me
"Please continue."
-Mr. Munn
"Oh...God..."
-Mary
"Please, call me Mr. Munn."
-Mr. Munn
"You're so weird! Fooshi poo!"
-Katie
"Tacos smell like monkeeeeeys!"
-Katie
"So monkeys smell like tacos?"
-ME
"NO! It doesn't work like that!"
-Katie
"Get your stuff out so I can get my stuff out and then you get your stuff out and I can get just...stuff?"
-Katie
"He wrote in the cabbage..."
-Katie
"CabbageCabbageCabbage?"
-Me
"Yes, when I laugh too hard I make high pitched squeaks. It's like eek...eek...eek."
-Me
"You got a sperm from your dad and a sperm from your mom."
-Mrs. Chapman
"In 1953, twenty years ago, it was discovered."
-Mrs. Chapman
"You're pulling my ball strap."
-Me
"My old lady isn't dumb, she's carazy."
-Me
"John-Phillip, you are late young man."
-Mrs. Chapman
"Geez..."
-John-Phillip
"I will pullover and spank you both. I might enjoy it."
-Becky
"Oh no, we could take you, right, Katie?"
-Me
"NO!! Don't taste Becky! Icky!"
-Katie
"Moo moo poop..."
-Katie
"We must be racing pigs in here."
-Mom
"Oh big green tree, oh big green tree, you're totally organic."
-Meliss
"Things that are black that start with K: KKK victims."
-Kylie
"So do you know what basketball is?"
-Jackie
"Ok, the word that means wood. You get in a yard and build a house."
-Me
"Log Cabin!"
-Jess
"Ok, this was played by Harrison Ford. He wore a hat and swung on a rope. One of the movies was The Temple of Doom."
-Me
"Tarzan!"
-Jess
"Ok, you say this when you throw plastic on the counter."
-Jess
"You say...there's plastic on the counter?"
-Me
"Plastic is on the counter!"
-Becky
"NO! You throw this plastic on the counter, and then you say this."
-Jess
"All I'm getting is plastic on the counter...I'm sorry."
-Me
"Charge it."
-Mr. Strange
"YES!"
-Jess
"Oh, that makes sense. Or NOT."
-Me
"Brady could write about bologna feet and get an A."
-Jess
"Bologna feet?"
-Amb
"First thing that popped up in my mind."
-Jess
"Wouldn't bologna sandwich make a little more sense? Did you just pull that out of the bologna jar?"
-Amb
"Hey Kylie, watch it. I your...teeth in my MOUTH!"
-Me
"There's old guys that still wear their school jackets to games, the old fat guys even."
-Mr. Munn
"I wish my rear end went wooo!"
-Katie
"Nobody wants to smell my thingy..."
-Katie
"Who wants to be God?"
-Mrs. Ross
"Dear Lloyd."
-Scott Brady
"He is wearing a newspaper. Oh! No he isn't, I apologize. That's reading."
-Mrs. Ross
"Its our old woman."
-Sara
"Be careful, she's still wet."
-Me
"If its based around a monkey then its not much of a relationship, is it?"
-Sara(h)s
"A lot of problems would be solved in this world if people would just wipe from front to back."
-Sara
"I had a dream before I went to sleep and after I woke up."
-Jess
"Aren't you the talented one."
-Me
"When you eat salad it makes your boobs grow."
-Becky
"Maybe I should be eating salad then."
-Me
"No kidding. I need to too."
-Jess
"Cheese kills...Katie."
-Me
"I've never worn whore heals before."
-Me
"Oh, spit, sorry about that."
-Me
"It happens."
-Heather
"What your saying is, spit happens."
-Me
"How many cups of cheese does it take to get constipated?"
-Me
"OK everyone, watch your balls."
-Mrs. Seelig
"You're getting old and pointy now."
-Missy
"You can't have sex with a gay muppet."
-Me
"They went to bed at 6pm and woke up at 4am, so four hours of sleep."
-Mrs. McCune
"I've never had a fruity cookie before."
-Christina
"You can touch her, just not for very long."
-Amber
"If she has her child, it won't be a real one."
-Jackie
"She has no brain, she needs to be in the Wizard of Oz."
-Jess
"What did Alexander Grahm Bell set out to do?"
-Mr. Hyman
"Fly a kite?"
-Abby
"I can't laugh and shave my chin."
-Sara
"Laura grabs her boobs when she's angry."
-Katie
"Hello, my name is Mr. Hyman. I'll be doing announcements today. Oh, all you cute boys come to my room after school. Well, it's a Gold Day. I'd prefer mauve or chartruse, but you know, it's gold."
-Mr. Hyman
"You look like a deformed moron."
-Amber
"Does anyone know the name of the man who owns the Burger King franchise in town?"
-Mr. Hyman
"Mr. King?"
-Laura P.
"There's a lot of stuff you can do in a bathtub but grading papers isn't one of them."
-Dr. Philbert
"What's the magic word?"
-Katie
"Breast!"
-Amber & I
"Just the three of us...she, she, and I."
-Amber
"I'll see you guys ladies."
-Jess
"Are you the smale?"
-Me
"Today is the Pizza Hut buffet."
-Katie C.
"Where's it at?"
-Mary
"The best 99 cents you can spend. That's what Amber needs to put on the wall over her bed at college."
-Jess
"What are you going to do without us next year, Mrs. McCune?"
-Me
"I don't know. You'll have to call me up and say stupid things into the phone."
-Mrs. McCune
"Baboons have hair on my butt."
-Amber
"That guy has a Chia-Pet on his head the size of Cancun."
-Amber
"Sane has lost the building."
-Katie
"I feel really horny. Am I red or something? Oh...the devil."
-Amber
"I have a magical dancing boobs."
-Amber
"What's that on your arm?"
-Sean
"Monkey poop!"
-Katie
"Yes. Monkey poop is moisturizing. You aren't cool unless there's monkey poop on your arm."
-Amber
"She has no sane to lost."
-Katie
"Speaking of bowels..."
-Amber
"Can I buy a Y?"
-Me
"Is the underground railroad really underground?"
-Natalie
"If you give me a legible reason as for why I should..."
-Me
"Legible?"
-Amber
"Easy to read. Yes."
-Me
"Take a book out of Chance's page."
-Katie
"He's lost the bathroom!"
-Katie
"I think maybe her bra exploded."
-Me
"Then where are her boobs? They're on the ceiling."
-Sean
"Knees in the back! Knees in the back!"
-Sean
"Let's drive over to one of those farmhouses out here and clear this up. We'll find someone with a chicken house and ask, 'Can we watch your chickens have sex?'"
-Me
"The boy's black so of course he's got rhythm."
-Rachel
"There's a lion in the bathroom. We'll have to wait."
-Mom
"Lion in the bathroom?"
-Me
"Yes...No...A lion?"
-Mom
"And what did you say about that cat on the wall?"
-Me
"Cat on the wall?"
-Mom
"OH! HAT!"
-Me
"Can you hold the goat for me? I have to go! Thank you!"
-Missy
"If I don't correct myself, then no its not kidding, its just outright dumb."
-Me
"Well scratch the female and you still have tall."
-Me
"I took pics in my backyard with no bra and the radar on the chest picked up the weather."
-Me
"I'm going to write a book about our conversations when I'm older; about all the conversations in my life actually. People will think Marion is full of idiots...and they will be right."
-Me
"How are you reletive to a monkey?"
-Jarred
"I have hair, so do they."
-Me
"So does a cumquat."
-Jarred
"Fuzz...not hair."
-Me
"Well...One has to ask themsleves, how long does it have to be before fuzz becomes hair. Those terms are just relative descriptions of one idea."
-Jarred
"I have no fuzz. I have bush, but no fuzz."
-Me
"Well, let's not talk about that. I don't want this to turn vulgar."
-Jarred
"No fuzz!"
-Me
"I don't want to talk about your bush or its lack of fuzz."
-Jarred
"No, bush on the head you perve."
-Me
"Well...now that's entirly different. If you've got a head down there then that's something I should have known about years ago."
-Jarred
"No, I said I have bush...not in my pants...given there is...but I meant my head, as in the thing on my neck, has bush."
-Me
"He might have packed in the alley..because that is something people do."
-Me
"We can turn mounds in the road."
-Me
"How many tons is Plymouth Rock?"
-Jess
"4."
-Me
"15"
-Jackie
"15 tons? No, Jackie...No."
-Me
"Well they landed on it, so it's gotta be really big."
-Jess
"Yes, they flew their space ship over and landed on it."
-Me
"He's not so attractive but he is cutely built."
-Me
"I wish I had a CD player that played 24 times a day."
-Sara
"They are going to knife me. They are packing."
-Me
"I want to park in the dumpster."
-Me
"I want to scratch, but I can't get down there. It's only half way down there."
-Me
"Cotton candy and Sex in the City. If you need something to eat during Sex in the City...nevermind."
-Me
"No tits before it gets warm."
-Amb
"You have to drive past the tennis quarts."
-Me
"You can go on The Real World as long as you don't drink or have the nasty sex."
-Me
"Opposed to the un-nasty sex?"
-Amb
"Well, the nasty...yes."
-Me
"They have a minimum of nine scoops. What if I wanted ten though?"
-Me
"I'll just write that on my hand with my shoe."
-Me
"I can get the first names because they are names."
-Me
"He's all about self-gratification."
-Amb
"I was talking to the evil, no, die, die...die."
-Me
"A bald man can go somewhere its cold and then he would grow hair."
-Meliss
"I like my pediatrician. She unzips my pants."
-Me
"You're going to get mad and be the rat."
-Meliss
"Who is this?"
-Me
"It's the chicken men that fly."
-Meliss
"Opposed to those flightless ones..."
-Me
"I have better odds at Manchester with all of these gay girls."
-Jess
"Spic and span were aliens."
-Jackie
"So Jesus beats virgins?"
-John
"Look, she's wearing boobs."
-Jarred
"Dag gone you dag gone car."
-Rach
"Was it Chris?"
-Ally
"He has BOTH legs!"
-Rach
"Why, yes...yes he does."
-Me
"I have a crush on him. I hate him. I hate him. I will kill him."
-Ally
"Do you have sex or something?"
-Me
"There's no one! It's a nut!"
-Rach
"You're eating an after dinner bear."
-Me
"Do you have six toes? No, of course you don't."
-Alexis
"When you look at weird-john-o...you see the weird and o."
-Me
"Does she drink?"
-Rach
"Yes, sometimes."
-Me
"NO! She's at the pet store!"
-Ally
"I thought the only people who had heads were on walls."
-Meliss
"My mother finally shaved my armpits today. First time that I can remember her doing that and I was so proud."
-Amb
"It's Tuesday. Let's go to Gus's."
-Mom
"And it being Tuesday is why we should go?"
-Me
"No, but it is Tuesday."
-Mom
"And that has to do with Gus's?"
-Me
"Yes, because it is Tuesday. If it were Thursday I would say 'It's Thursday. Let's go to Gus's.'"
-Mom
"As soon as I put my bra on I'm going to beat your ass."
-Jarred
"Jackie and Jess need to friggin get sexually aroused before they can understand a damn thing."
-Me
"Twirl your hair and throw the baton."
-Amb
"She's like if we got together and had a child. It's what she would be, a little of you and a little of me."
-Amb
"She's our baby. This is the kind of talk that gets the lesbian comments."
-Me
"I need to slow down before I get a parking ticket."
-Mom
"She thinks she's the greatest thing on ten toes."
-Kaicy
"I want to be a homeless man when I grow up. Yes, I am female. I still want to be a homeless man though. Not a woman, but a man."
-Me
"You can use the bathroom downstairs. It's bisexual."
-Me
"I like the witches on speed dial."
-Me
"You have band boobs?"
-Katie
"Yes. Sara's boobs play music."
-Me
"We always scare the small children and the small adults."
-Me
"I know the heimlich remover."
-Katie
"We'll wear orange sashes that say push-up control."
-Katie
"What time do you go to bed?"
-Katie
"At night? Four o'clock in the morning."
-Me
"Sara we don't wear the same size boobs anymore."
-Me
"What did I say that makes her funny?"
-Me
"Oh I can't think of the word heimlich..."
-Katie
"Maneuver."
-Amber
"Manure."
-Sara
"I hear moos in that...I hear cows."
-Me
"I love it when people honk at me for no reason. I stick a dollar out the window and say 'Hey, baby'."
-Amber