Title: The color of Roses
Author: Lara B.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and there is no profit. Magificent Seven belong to Mirsch, CBS, MGM and Trilogy. "The Color of Roses" lyrics were written by Beth Nielsen Chapman and Matt Rollings.
Rating: PG13, some language
Spoilers: None
Notes: I'm not a native English speaker, so any mistakes you may find are probably due to that. This story is the first in a row of three stories. It is followed by "Seven Shades of Blue" and "Say Good Night".
I held you close to me Once in a distant dream Far from the shores of my fear I sailed on this ocean Where all I imagined could happen And now you are here
It's so hard to touch what is out of our hands To know and to trust what the heart understands
Life gives us magic And life brings us tragedy Everyone suffers some loss Still we have faith in it Childlike hope There's a reason that outweighs the cost
And add my regrets to the tears in the rain That's what the color of roses contain
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I wrote a letter to ya. Well, as good as I could. You're the one with these five-dollar-words. I tried to explain everything to ya, everything that I can't tell ya, everything that happened to me over the past years. I tried to explain to ya what I wasn't even able to explain to myself, what hit me like no bullet could have done, when I realized. When I finally had the courage to identify it. I've been sitting in Inez' bar for several hours now, pouring myself one drink after another and trying my best to get seriously drunk. All I wanted was to get this image out of my head, this voice out of my ear. His image, his voice. Shit, Chris warned me to 'keep my private life private', to 'let it not interfere with the job'. He had made himself perfectly clear about the consequences. And I agreed. Damn, I was so sure that this would never happen! But it did. A long time ago. Though I didn't wanna believe it back then. It confused me. I tried to deny it. It didn't work. I tried to ignore it. It scared me. I tried to chase it away. Even with, ah.. the help of some... company. Didn't do me any good. It hurt even more then, and it left me feeling emptier than before. Funny, wasn't this bottle been full just a few minutes ago? I wink at Inez, asking for another one. She frowns, but gives it to me, anyway. It still hurts like hell. It hurts even more when I saw ya today with this wonderful woman by your side, a woman who really 'by all means' suits ya. What was her name, Deirdre? Even her name has something. She'll be able to do what I can't. She'll make ya happy. And one fine day I'll see ya at your wedding, I'm sure. I saw it in your eyes when ya looked at her. Seems to me she's the one, huh? There'll come the day when I just won't be able to take it any longer. That I can't take it any longer to see ya, each 'n every day, to see that mischievous grin of yours, that sparkle in your eyes when you're up to something, to hear your melodious voice callin' me 'Mr. Tanner', or your soft laughter. That day when I will no longer be able to turn away and look the other direction, or pretend to concentrate on some work, when all I wanna do at that moment is take ya into my arms and hold ya. Just hold ya. That's gonna be the day I'll leave. And ya'll never know why. Strange, this Tequila keeps disappearing ... this time Inez' frown is even deeper. She's not happy with me. Just can't tell ya. We're friends, that's all we were and all we'll ever be. Don't get me wrong here, that's one helluva gift, since you're not the type that makes friends easily. I cherish our friendship and I wouldn't ever wanna risk it, no sir. Not with foolish words like, 'By the way, Ezra, I wanted to tell ya that I love ya.' Reckon ya would shoot me right away, would ya? Even if not, it would end our friendship forever. I read this sentence once, it's from Shakespeare I think: It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Well, I have never loved at all. 'Til now. It's not that I hadn't had any affairs over the years. Lost my virginity a long time ago. Even had some women. But it was never love, not really. And now that I know I found it I won't be able to live it. Well, of course I fantasized a little, but my fantasy only goes so far. Maybe it's ' cause I'm scared - yup, I really am, down to the core - or 'cause I know ya would never ever want a man, any man, to touch ya in such a way. Least of all me. All ya wanna be is my friend. That's precious enough, one don't find that many true friends these days. Maybe I shouldda been grateful for the things I have instead of wantin' what I'm never gonna have. Somebody once told me that a friendship could last a lifetime, love mostly doesn't. But I'm not certain that I can hide for a lifetime. 'Specially when I'm feelin' a little blue, even more when I had somethin' to drink. Just like now. "Mr. Tanner?" Mmmm, this wonderful soft southern drawl, could listen to it all day long. I sigh. "Vin?" Did I really just hear that?? I turn around slowly. And there he is, standing behind me with a puzzled expression on his face. Oops... "Yeah, Ez?" "You're under the influence of a large amount of liquor which makes you incapable of returning safely to your domicile." It takes me a while to understand that he talks to me, but I give up figuring out what the hell he's talkin' about. "Huh?" "You're too drunk to get home by yourself." Oh, that. Shit, I must be more drunk than I thought... "Yup. Reckon yer right." "I suggest you ought to finish this evening at this point and retire to your abode. I will accompany you if you should feel the necessity for me to do so instead of taking a cab." My translation attempt has the same result as before. "Huh?" "I'll drive you home." "Sure, Ez. Thanks. " Gawd, Ez, I love ya. More than I ever loved anybody, more than I thought I could ever love someone. More than I'm gonna be able to bear, 'cause it's tearin' my heart and soul apart. It'll never be. I know that. It'll always be what it is right now - a distant dream. And ya'll never know. 'Til the day ya'll receive my letter. The day I'll be gone. ~ Fini~ |