In 1997, 3 681 people committed suicide in Canada. That means that around 10 people a day chose to throw their lives away. And according to statistics, that number has been on the rise, especially among teenagers. It is the third cause of death for people aged 15 � 24.
I sighed as I slipped on my jacket. Another start to a long, crappy day at school. I bent down and tied the laces of my plain running shoes, so different from the ones worn by the other girls. It wasn�t that I was poor� far from it. I lived in a nice house in a plain middle class neighborhood in a boring suburb. It was just that the other girls knew the right places to shop, the right things to wear, the right hairstyles, the right things to say to people� I didn�t know any of that. But there, I was rambling again, drifting into my own little world. I walked into the kitchen to grab my lunch; I�d almost forgotten it.
�Bye Mom. See you after school.�
My mom looked up from the coffee she was making. �Oh� bye, Anne. Have a great day.� Fat chance of that happening. She smiled at me and went back to her coffee.
I walked out the door, and started out on my walk to school. It was cold, but I still walked as slow as I could, trying to delay the inevitable moment when I would walk through those dreaded double doors into a world of lip gloss and eyeliner, of movies and magazines, of sluts and nerds, of triumph and heartbreak� my school.
School was boring. It was always the same. Two classes in the morning, lunch, and two classes in the afternoon. It was all very boring. I was an average student, and I didn�t get noticed a lot. In fact, it was December and I�m sure none of my teachers knew my name yet.
I wasn�t in any of the �groups� in school. I had never been popular, but I had wanted to recreated myself so badly once I got to high school� but it was so much harder then I expected. It was like everyone already knew each other and there was no more room for one more person. So� I just decided to be alone. But misery likes company, so of course I had someone hang around with all the time. Still, they weren�t really my real friends. I didn�t have any of those. I wasn�t sure what I did wrong but I guess it was how I looked.
I�d always been on the tall, skinny side. Some people say this is good, but trust me, it�s not. When I was around 12 I got bad acne and got made fun of a lot. It�s mostly gone now but the pain of what those kids said to me has never really gone away.
After a long morning of math and science, it was lunch time. Most students look forward to it. I don�t care about it. It�s just another period of my day. I sit with the same girls everyday. The girls like me, the shy ones, the nerdy ones the ones without the right clothes. There are only five of us. I guess that�s what happens when you live in an area where almost everyone is rich. Sometimes we do homework, sometimes we make feeble attempts at conversation.
Today was a conversation day, I could see that as I slipped into my regular seat. One of the girls, Samantha, looked up and said hi. The others, Kristy and Tara and Beth, were talking halfheartedly about math class. I chose not to join them. I was bad at math anyways.
I ate my lunch in silence. I watched the popular girls across the cafeteria, chatting away happily. I wondered what it would be like to be one of them. Probably not all it was cracked up to be, but it would certainly be better then being someone like me.
I tried talking to the others at the table, imagining I was popular. I brought up the new movie that everyone was talking about, even though I hadn�t seen it. Everyone just looked at me like I was a freak. Then again, I guess I was one.
The bell rang, and I went to class. French and then geography, everyday. Finally the finally bell rang and another crappy day came to an end.
So, that was my life, everyday was the same. Except the weekends, which were all right. Nothing ever happened to me. Until one day in late January.
I was just walking home from school like usual. I was behind a loud girl who was talking her cell phone. I could hear her end on the conversation perfectly.
�Seriously, my life sucks! I can�t believe her broke up with me to go with that slut! �..No, I haven�t actually seen her, but� trust me, I just KNOW she�s a huge slut!! �.what? Suicide?�
I stared at the girl. Would she actually kill herself over that? I thought that was pretty brave. It would certainly get back at him. I could hear the girl giggling, �Haha, no way! I�d never do that!� but I wasn�t listening anymore.
I guess that was the turning point for me, now that I think about it.
The next day, when I was in Home Ec, I noticed a girl I hadn�t noticed before. She wasn�t in any of the groups either. I couldn�t remember her name but I didn�t care. As I watched her, she slowly raised the knife we were supposed to be cutting potatoes with above her arm. She brought it down slowly, and smiled and she let it clatter to the floor. All of a sudden the teacher and students were milling around her and then she was out of the room, sent down to the nurse�s office.
Everyone thought it was an accident. But she did it on purpose. She� she cut her wrists. I couldn�t believe someone would do that.
On my way home from school that day, I saw the girl. She had long, stringy dark brown hair that hung over her face. She was skinny� so skinny. Her arms and legs looked like twigs. I wondered why she cut herself like that. I thought if I followed her, I could see why she did it. After walking behind her for about ten minutes I got my answer.
A group of three girls walked up to her, and pushed her down. None of the girls were pretty at all. As I watched, one of them yelled �Give me the money, bitch. You said you�d pay us yesterday but you haven�t! We�re going to have to collect interest now!!�
The skinny girl�s eyes filled up with tears. �Please�� she muttered. �I�ll pay you� I swear� I�ll pay tomorrow, I promise! Just� leave me alone today��
The three girls laughed. �Fine.� Said one of them. �But if you don�t pay us tomorrow, we�ll have to hurt you.� They walked away, leaving the skinny girl shaking on the cold sidewalk.
I walked up to her. �Um� were those your friends? Hehe�� She ignored me, and picked up her cell phone, which had fallen out of her pocket when the girls pushed her.
�Great�� she sighed. �I think it�s broken��
I stared at the girl. She was bent over, and she let her hair hang into her face like she was trying to hide behind it. I finally spoke. �What�s your number?�
She looked up at me. �What? Oh� It�s 416-658-7791��
I pulled out my phone and dialed her number, and her phone began ringing cheerfully. The girl smiled. �Hey! Great! Thanks!�
I grinned at her. �No problem. What�s your name?�
�Lisa.� She answered, and looked at her watch. �Shit, I�ve got to get going. See you.� She ran off, and I watched her go. She seemed nice, I thought. Maybe we�d be friends.
The next day during lunch period, I looked everywhere for Lisa. I finally found her standing behind the school. She wasn�t doing anything, she was just standing there, leaning against the wall, all alone. I walked up to her. �Um� hi. I don�t know if you remember me but my name is Anne and I ��
�I remember you.� She cut me off. �Where�re all your friends?� She looked at me closely.
�I� they�re�.� I stammered. How could I explain that I didn�t have any friends? �Where are yours?� I asked suddenly.
Lisa didn�t answer me. She reached into her backpack and pulled out a small knife. She held it to her arm.
�Hey! What are you doing! S-stop that!� I shrieked. I watched, aghast, as a small trickle of blood ran down her arm. �Augh! Blood! Teacher, teacher!� I cried.
�Shut up.� She said. And she just glared at me.
�S-sorry�.� I stammered. �Um� doesn�t that hurt?�
She sort of smiled. �Not at all.�
I couldn�t believe it. How could it not hurt, even a little? �But� even a little paper cut hurts!!� I said.
�It doesn�t hurt if you expect it.� She said in a flat monotone, like she was talking to a five year old. And then she did something really surprising. She grabbed my wrist, and held the small knife to it.
�Ahh! Wait, stop!! Why are you trying to cut me?! No, no! Only a little! Only a millimeter! And tell me when you do!� I cried in a panic.
She laughed. �It�s already done.�
�What�� I looked at my arm, at the small red cut. �Unbelievable! It doesn�t hurt at all!�
I couldn�t stop staring at that one tiny cut. This was exciting. Much more exciting then e-mail or phone calls. I had a feeling that this girl was going to become my very first friend.
Throughout the next few weeks, Lisa and I did everything together. She didn�t talk much about herself, but that was all right. She always listened to me, whether it be a complaint about my parents, school, or anything. She didn�t give a lot of advice but that was all right, at least I had someone to talk to.
�Hey, did you hear? That singer, Kyo, killed himself!!� That was the hot gossip on February 17th. �He jumped off the roof of his apartment, and then he died!� Everyone was talking about it. I wasn�t a fan, but� it was still really interesting, So naturally I talked about it with Lisa.
�Lisa, Lisa, that singer who died! I can�t believe he actually killed himself!!� I said, happy that I had some gossip to talk about.
Lisa laughed. �I can believe it. Too much stress, family gets annoying� death is really the easiest way out��
I stared at her. She was right! It was amazing! Even though he was dead, everyone was talking about it. He was still alive in the hearts of his fans. His one death affecting the lives of so many other people. Death isn�t the end. It�s the beginning!
�That�s� amazing�� I whispered. �Just imagine� everyone suddenly cares about you the moment you die��
�Yes, that�s right.� Agreed Lisa. �When I die, I don�t want it to be in some accident, or because of a disease. Kyo�s death was amazing because he chose to die. I get really excited when I think of what will happen after I die��
�Lisa�� I said. �That�s exactly right! How do you want to die?�
�Hm� I�m not quite sure. Maybe slitting my wrists, or maybe by jumping in front of a train.�
�Eww! Jumping in front of a train! That�s gross! Your body would be all mangled!� I cried. �I�d want to take a bunch of sleeping pills. My family would try to wake me up, but I�d already be dead!�
�That�s cool, but you�d have to take at least 200 normal sleeping pills in order to make sure that you�d die�� said Lisa.
�200 pills� that�d be hard to swallow�� I paused, and thought about how I would like to die.
I realized that Lisa was talking. �So� when you die, don�t do it alone. I�ll go with you. Alright?�
I stared at her, and nodded. �Yes, alright. It would be lonely to die alone�� Lisa smiled.
�Great.�
During the next two weeks we planned our suicide. It was going to be perfect. Really, really perfect! Lisa taught me all about writing suicide notes, and all that kind of stuff. We wondered what our funerals would be like. I was so excited for the day when we would die. And finally, that day came.
We were sitting on the roof of Lisa�s apartment. You weren�t really supposed to go on the room, but we did anyway because it was a good place to think. We had planned this for so long� we were going to slit our wrists right there on the roof. It would be perfect, lying there dying, looking up at the blue sky.
Lisa smiled. �Are you ready?� She help up the knife we would be using.
�Yeah. Defiantly.� I said happily. �Can I go ahead of you?�
�All right, if you want. Let�s take one last look at the town and everything before we die��
We walked to the edge of the building. There was no railing to stop us from falling, so we stayed a few inches from the edge. I felt a bit dizzy, looking down at the people so far below us walking along the sidewalks, not knowing the two girls were going to die soon. I dropped the knife. �Crap��
As I bent to pick it up, I slipped on a small path of ice� and then I was hanging by my fingertips, dangling 14 stories above the sidewalk. I looked up at Lisa, who was watching me calmly. �Lisa� I whispered. �Help me! I going to die in an accident! I wanted to slit my wrists! Help, HELP!� I was screaming suddenly, I wanted to be saved. This wasn�t how I wanted to die!!
�It�s okay. We�ll jump. It�ll have a hug impact on the media and such if we jump together.� Said Lisa.
�NO!� I cried. I looked down. There were people pointing up at us from the sidewalk. �HELP!� I screamed. �I don�t want to die! I don�t want to die! Please help me!!�
And then a pair of strong arms was lifting me up, it was the building�s janitor, who had heard the screaming and rushed up to help, thank god. I saw Lisa collapse and that was all I remembered before I went unconscious.
When I woke up, I was lying in my room at home, my mom by my side. �Mom?� I whisperd. �Am I okay?�
She burst into tears. �I�m so glad you�re all right� I was so worried� What were you thinking, up there on that roof in the middle of winter?�
I had a feeling everything was going to be all right. I stayed out of school for a while. My parents thought it was best for me, after my big scare and all. They didn�t know I had wanted to kill myself just a few minutes before that.
One day in the middle of March, I received a phone call. �What? Funeral?� I dropped the phone. I couldn�t believe it. �Lisa�� I whispered.
I walked into the funeral and was shocked by how little people there were there. The few people that were there didn�t have a clue as to why Lisa had died. Three girls walked in right after me. They looked a bit familiar�
�Why are you here?!� I said to them.
The three girls looked genuinely confused. �Why shouldn�t we be here?� said one of them.
I shook my head, amazed. I couldn�t believe they didn�t understand. �Lisa was bullied. She killed herself� because she was bullied by these girls!!�
�Huh? What are you talking about?� said the biggest of the girls. �Sure, we might have been a bit mean to her at times, but it was only because we were her friends. That�s no reason to kill yourself!�
I stared. This wasn�t how things were supposed to happen. Lisa�s suicide hadn�t changed a thing! Those girls would probably find some new girl to torture and it would never end. I walked outside and sank to my knees. Suicide is worthless! It doesn�t leave anything behind. It doesn�t change anything. Suicide is just one person escaping the pain, without getting back at the people who caused it in the first place!
�Lisa�� I sobbed. �Come back��
When I got home that night I told me mom everything. We set up a meeting with a physiatrist. That was okay. I only wished Lisa had gotten help before, too.
A few weeks later, I decided I was ready to go back to school. I grabbed my jacket, slipped on my shoes, and opened the door. I could smell spring, I could see the new green grass sprouting. I smiled. As long as I focused on the me I wanted to be, and took things slow, everything would be just fine. I�d just take things one day at a time.
WASN'T THAT FUN?! No, it was actually quite boring, but whatever! O.o