If Mush’s eyes could pop from their sockets, they would have been rolling across the ground like marbles. The news was so shocking his knees began to knock together before they weakened and gave out. He dropped to the floor and grabbed on to the bed before he could hit. Then he quickly turned around so not to look on any further.
“Mush,” she said, “please, turn around.”
His voice caught. “Can’t.” he gasped.
“Please Mush, I want to see your face as I tell you everything.”
He shook his head vigorously. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Cuz if I turn ‘round, I won’t be lookin’ at your face. I’ll be lookin’ somewhere else.”
He could feel her smile at his honesty. Then she began to rock as the suckling sounds grew louder by the tiniest bit.
“My father was a rich man.” she began. “He lived uptown in a large pent-house with his wife. But she couldn’t have children. So he enlisted a woman to be a surrogate mother and got her pregnant. She was my real mother. And though she gave me to my parents, my mother had her sent away. She said I looked too much like her.
“My mother was constantly being reminded that I was not her birth daughter. Yes, she did love me, but part of her disliked me because of that reason. She died when I was seven. My father raised me after that. He loved me a lot, and I loved him.
“When I was almost fifteen, he became ill. The doctors said there was nothing they could do for him. When I asked him what I would do without him, he came up with only one solution: marriage. He talked me into taking a husband so I would be cared for and could inherit the money that I couldn’t get in his will.
“He called a friend’s son over and told me he was a very kind, very wonderful young man, even though he was twenty-eight. He said he trusted this man and that he would take care of me. When we met, he was the handsomest man I had ever seen. And he was staring at me in such a way that no man had ever had. What I didn’t know though was that he was staring at me like I was a piece of meat.
“We were married several days later, and he took me to Paris for our honeymoon. During that time, he was a wonderful husband. He seemed like the perfect man. But when we came home, my father had died, and something about my husband changed. He told me to do exactly what he wanted, and he would treat me like a queen. He only wanted me for one purpose.”
The very thought of her being married to such a man sickened Mush. What kind of a person would do that to anyone, especially a girl so young?
“I was beginning to realize after that that he didn’t love me at all. He just loved what I could give him every night. And you know what? I was still in love with him. He gave me everything I wanted, everything I needed, my life depended on him. I was such a fool.
“I later learned he had many business trips to attend to, and that sometimes he’d visit brothels during that time. He could spend from up to one week to two months away from me. And he always expected me to be ready for him when he returned home.
“There was this one time that he left for two months a few days after my sixteenth birthday. And I was feeling very sick lately. He was constantly telling me before he left to see a doctor, but I always declined. When he left, one of the maids finally persuaded me to see one. The doctor came, and told me I was four months pregnant.
“When I got the news, I didn’t know what to do. One of the first things my husband told me was that he did not want any children. He told me to take precautions to prevent pregnancy. Well, I took precautions and I still got pregnant. I was so angry at myself for allowing this to happen. My first thoughts were to tell the doctor to take the baby.”
Mush felt as though he had been kicked low and hard by a Clydesdale. He had heard stories of women having their babies removed before birth and the thought had always wrenched his heart. The fact that Indigo had wanted that done to his precious Samantha brought tears to his eyes. And this time, he could not hold them back. He began to weep silently as Indigo continued.
“I gave myself two days to think over what I was gonna do. I had decided to have the abortion. But right when I was going to call the doctor to come over, the baby began to move inside me. It was such a wonderful feeling. I realized that this was a human being I was carrying and growing inside of me. I couldn’t have this baby killed.
“For two months, I was practically in fear of both my life and the baby’s because I didn’t know what my husband would do when he returned and saw that my stomach was bulging. He told me not to get pregnant, and I did. I thought maybe he would change his mind when he saw how far along I was. I was six months along when he returned.
“That was one moment I will never forget. Whenever he returned from a business trip, he told me he wanted to see me ready and bought me a wardrobe of negligees for me to wear for him. When he came home that time, I wore a black one that I had bought a few days before. He saw me and approached me, but I stopped him.
“He asked me what the deal was with the black negligee, and I told him to look closely at me. He didn’t realize my stomach first. When he did, he…his face just suddenly clouded over in horror. He looked at me and said two words: how long. I told him six months.
“For the first time ever, he sent me to my own room and told me he needed the night to think over what he wanted. When I asked him what, he said he didn’t know yet. So I went to bed. When I woke up, he entered the room with a doctor, and I had his answer. He wanted the baby aborted.
“He left the doctor in my room, and I told him that I did not want the abortion. He tried hard to get me to go through with it, but I told him that my mind was made up. I was keeping this baby. He finally gave up and left. I was proud of myself at first until my husband came in.
“He demanded to know why I sent him out, and I told him it was because I wanted to keep the baby. He said that he didn’t want or need any baby and that he was going to call the doctor back in. And I told him no. Then he did something he had never done before. He struck me.
“I was scrambling to get away, and there was something in his eyes that was so frightening. I didn’t make it too far because of the baby, and he tackled me and pinned me to the bed. I thought he was gonna hit me again. But he didn’t.
“He asked me if this was all I had planned for him. I told him no. Then he blamed me for getting pregnant. I told him it was as much as his fault as it was mine because of what he told me to do. Then he put his hand on my stomach and felt the baby. And he was furious!
“That thing is not mine, he said. And then, he gave me a choice. He said either he call the doctor in and take the baby and I still live as his wife, or I keep the baby and he divorce me. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t fend for myself if he divorced me, and I wanted this baby so much.
“Then, call me a slow learner, I realized that my husband would never really love me. He’d just use me over and over again until he got tired of me and got rid of me anyway. If I had the baby, I would have someone to love and raise as my own. So I told him I was going to keep the baby.
“He asked me why, and I told him. Then he laughed at me. I demanded to know why, and he said that the baby wouldn’t love me. He said it would just love me until it would stop nursing, then it would leave me too. He gave me one last chance, and I still said no.
“He kept me down for a while after that, then got up and left me. He locked the door. I was still scared because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Two hours later, my husband returned and he had a bag in his hand. He dropped it on the bed and told me to put on what was in it. Why I asked why, he just told me to do it before he stripped the clothes off of me himself and threw me out on the street naked.
“So I changed into those clothes, and he didn’t even leave the room. He was still staring at me like I was a piece of meat again. He was sad to leave me go because he would miss my body, and only my body. And once I had those clothes on, he grabbed my arm and yanked me outside.
“He told me that I was to take to the streets and find a way of living. And he didn’t give me any money, and the clothes I had were awful. They were thin and wouldn’t last the winter. It was October, too. I asked him how I was going to survive out on the streets, and he just laughed and said if I didn’t have the baby, I’d have a perfect way to survive. And he slammed the door in my face.
“I had to wander the streets and beg and steal so I could survive. Some people were nice enough to give me some money for food for the baby, but it wasn’t enough. When it started getting cold, I needed to find shelter. I found myself here, rooming with a woman and her three children. She only brought me in because I was pregnant and she knew what I was going through.
“At first, she was very nice. But as my pregnancy progressed and I began needing help and taking the bed away from her and her children, she began to see me as a burden.”
Mush had been completely unable to stop his tears with her story. She had paused for a minute to allow Samantha to switch before she continued. And Mush knew that things for her would only get worse.
“In mid-December, I got very sick. And then I began having labor pains. The baby was coming early. And since this woman and her children stole for a living, they had no money to call a doctor to deliver the baby. The woman said she’d do it herself. So she got her children to help her deliver my baby. And none of them were happy about it at all.
“I was in labor for almost twelve hours. I thought I was gonna die because there was so much pain involved and because I was so sick. The baby finally came and I only saw her once. She was all wet and she looked kind of blue, and her cries were so tiny and shaky.
“Because I had been in labor so long I was exhausted. And I was ready to pass out. The woman cleaned the baby off and wrapped it in a blanket and set her on my chest. And she said, ‘fine thing. Now a baby to take care of.’ I wanted to ask her what it was, but I got so tired that I passed out.
“I don’t know how long I was asleep, but when I woke up, the woman and her children were gone. Everything was gone. Even my things were gone. The only thing left was the rocking chair. And the baby was screaming. I knew she was hungry, but I was so weak I didn’t even have the strength to open the nightdress so she could nurse.
“So I began to cry too. I felt so miserable, I thought I was gonna die. I started yelling for help and no one came. I yelled until I had no voice left. And by then, I was so hopeless that I passed out again.
“When I woke up again, there was an old woman with me. She was dabbing my face and neck with a wet cloth and told me to call her Nana. I asked her what had happened, and she said that I had a fever. She said that it was draining though, and I’d be unconscious for two days.
“She gave me some soup when I remembered the baby. I asked her where she was, and she had set her on some cushions she’d brought in from outside. She gave her to me and told me it was a girl. She also told me that she had had to feed her while I was unconscious, but I said it was no problem.
“She fed me some more, and she showed me how to let the baby nurse. I gave her the name Samantha. When I thought of a middle name, Nana suggested I name her Grace because it was a miracle that she had been with me so long without getting sick and dying. So I named her Samantha Grace. And she pressed her hand on my heart, like she was saying that she loved me, and I knew that I loved her back.
“Nana, she was so wonderful. She took such good care of me. She bathed me, took care of the baby, and even supplied food for us. She used whatever money she had left. It took me two weeks to fully recuperate, and then she told me what pretty hair I had. It was very long, so I had it cut and sold for thirty dollars.
“That money went toward diapers and clothes for the both of us. It ran out two weeks later. And that was when Nana suggested that I get a job. I said no because I wanted to stay with Samantha, and she said that she knew but she couldn’t work because she was too old. I needed to do it.
“She suggested I start with something small so I could get used to the working world. That led me to the newsies. She said I could sell newspapers for a few months and then get a better job. So I sold newspapers for the first time. I then realized that you guys knew everything about each other and you shared a lodging house, so I went back to Nana to tell her.
“I told her I wanted to stay here, but she said it would bring suspicion for you guys and that I should just come here when I could to nurse Samantha and care for her for a short time. She said she would stay here with her and watch her until I came. So that’s what I did.”
“Then…” Mush’s voice was breaking, “why’d ya leave her on the street?”
“I was about to get to that part. Three months after I started selling newspapers, I came here to check on Samantha. I could hear her crying from out there, and I knew something was wrong. When I came inside, I found Nana on the ground, and she was dead. She had looked so good the night before, but complained about feeling sick.
“It was so terrible, I began to cry too. Then I came to the realization that I couldn’t care for Samantha anymore. I thought all day and finally decided to take her to a church to find help there. And on the way, I saw you and Blink headed for that shoe store.
“That was when I changed my mind about the church. I knew that if I left her with you, I could care for her without anyone knowing she was my daughter and then leave her with you because you would make an excellent father for her. So I bundled her up, wrote the note and left her on the sidewalk for you to find her. I watched from the top of the building behind you. And that’s why I left her there.”
Mush peered over his shoulder. Samantha was sitting upright in Indigo’s lap and she was closing her shirt. She saw him and continued working her buttons.
“I don’t get it.” he said. “Why’d ya leave ‘er for me when ya wanted t’ take care of her?”
“Because I don’t deserve to be her mother.” She said, buttoning the final button. “It wouldn’t be fair to her. You love her so much. I knew you would. I was with her so much so I could nurse her and save you some money.”
“What about when she stops nursin’?”
“I was gonna leave.”
He leapt to his feet. “Leave?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
She scooped Samantha into her arms. “I told you, because you love her so much. She’s in good hands when she’s with you. I’m doing this because I love her, and I want her to have a good life.”
She walked over to him and set Samantha in his arms. When he looked at her face, he saw the pain in her eyes. She did love Samantha.
“I can’t.” he held Samantha to her mother. “I couldn’t take ‘er from ya.”
“You need to. She can’t have me. She shouldn’t have me.”
“But she does!” he drew closer to her. “You’re her mother! She’s your daughter! Ya think this is best but it ain’t! She needs ‘er mother!”
“She needs her father, too.”
“Whatever happened to ‘im?” He thought maybe he could recruit the newsies to soak him.
Indigo said nothing, and returned to the rocking chair. She came back with a folded newspaper, which she opened for him. It was opened at the front page.
“I heard you and Race talking about it.” she murmured.
He knew which article she was referring to. It was the millionaire and his wife being killed on the way to their second honeymoon.
“He didn’t even wait two months before he married again.” She said solemnly. “I wonder if he ever wondered about Samantha.”
“So she don’t got ‘er father. But she’s got you. Are ya gonna take that away from her?”
“I don’t want to, but it needs to-”
“No it don’t! It means so much t’ me, I’d be willin’ t’ marry ya right now so she’s still got ya!”
Her mouth dropped. “What did you say?”
“I said…I’d be willin’ t’ marry ya. I don’t want ya t’ live yer life knowin’ ya left th’ daughter you loved and regret it!”
She lowered her head. Carefully, Mush held Samantha with one arm and tipped Indigo’s chin.
“I love Samantha.” He said firmly. “An’ I love you. Even after all ya told me. I wanted t’ tell ya that I wanted ya t’ be Samantha’s mom until I found the right girl. An’ I think you’re it.”
She flinched from his touch. “You don’t deserve me.”
“I don’t care.”
“No, you don’t understand.” She paused. “I left something out. I didn’t want you to know this. But you need to.”
“What is it?”
“Nana said that the doctor had examined me while I was unconscious. She didn’t give me the details, but he said that it was a miracle I had even delivered Samantha because there was some tissue damage or something.”
“Whaddaya mean by that?”
“Cleet ruined me. I can’t have any more children.”
That silenced Mush. He could see the desolation in Indigo’s eyes, as well as the tears. His heart ached for her.
“Ya’d give up th’ only child you could ever have?”
“If it’s what’s best for her.”
“I don’t care. I still want ya t’ marry me.”
“You don’t deserve me!” her tears overflowed. “I’m giving you a baby who needs a father like you. If you married me, it wouldn’t be fair to you because Samantha is not your child. You deserve kids of your own! You can’t have them with me!”
He drew even closer to her. Had Samantha not be sandwiched between them, they would have been touching.
“I still don’t care, Tanya.” He said understandingly, using her given name. “I don’t just want to marry you so you can stay Samantha’s mother. I want to marry you because I’ve been in love with you. I don’t care if yer husband used you only to have sex or if ya had his baby or even if ya still can’t even have kids. It’s you who I fell in love with.”
He reached up and touched her face tenderly. Then his finger swept across her face in a gentle caress. That look on her face expressed that she had never been touched in such a way.
“Cleet used to touch me all the time.” she said. “But he was never so gentle.”
“Or loving.”
“Mush, please. I don’t want to admit that I love you because it’ll only be shattering your future. I’m begging you, find someone else. Please.”
“I don’t want someone else.” He drew nearer to her. “I want you.”
Her head was lower again, and once more, he tilted her head back so she could see his face. She was quivering all over.
“Did Cleet ever do this to ya?”
He lowered his head to hers and kissed her mouth. It was so simple, so plain, and yet Indigo had never been kissed so lovingly before. As he was ready to draw away, she returned the kiss. It continued simple, then increased to something more.
Their kissing lasted but a minute, and Indigo drew from the kiss with her head bowed. Mush feared he had hurt her and attempted to apologize.
“No Mush, you didn’t do anything.” She whispered. “Look down.”
He did as she said. He was holding Samantha close to his chest, and Indigo was pressed against her as well. Samantha giggled softly with her right hand pressed against Mush’s heart, and her left again Indigo’s. Indigo gave a sad laugh.
“Out of th’ mouths of babes.” Mush murmured. “Ya can’t leave ‘er t’ me now, Tanya. So I’m tellin’ ya now. Will ya marry me an’ stay ‘er mother?”
A tear dripped from her eye. Choking back a gasped sob, she rubbed her nose, and nodded.
“Yes.”
He leaned toward her and kissed her deeply. And she slipped her arms around his own to embrace little Samantha. And Samantha, she clapped her hands and giggled happily. Starting now, they were a family.
