"These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined." Homer Simpson
"Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out. That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die, and do not outlive yourself." George Bernard Shaw
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War 2. Advising the President 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." David Letterman
"There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?" Dick Cavett
"Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work." Gallagher
"The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain." Scotty (James Doohan) in Star Trek III
"Every time I thought I'd got it made, it seems the taste was not so sweet." David Bowie, "Changes"
"It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work." William Faulkner
"In the fields of observation chance favors only the prepared mind." Louis Pasteur
"But there is no such thing as possessing just a little freedom. Once one enjoys any whatsoever, he will seek it all." Harry Turtledove
"Bureaucracy is like spice in food. A little makes food taste good. Because it does, too many males and females think a lot will make food taste even better. But cooking does not improve that way, and neither does bureaucracy." Harry Turtledove
"Obvious differences are the differences one is used to. Subtle differences are the differences someone else is used to." Harry Turtledove
"Life is like a box of chocolates; you eat too many, you get sick." Sam Malone (Ted Danson) on Cheers
"One cannot be betrayed if one has no people." Kobayashi (Pete Postlethwaite) in The Usual Suspects
"A man can convince anyone he's somebody else, but never himself." Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey) in The Usual Suspects
"How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?" Verbal Kint again
"I ran down to the levee but the devil caught me there, He took my twenty dollar bill and vanished in the air." Grateful Dead, "Friend of the Devil"
"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want." Ben Stein
"If you get up one more time than you fall you will make it through." Chinese proverb
"Close the hatch. Careful not to lock it on the way out." Buzz Aldrin while on the moon
"Everybody's got mixed feelings about the function and the form, Everybody's got to deviate from the norm." Rush, "Vital Signs"
"There is no greater enemy than one's own fears." General Martok (J. G. Hertzler) of the Klingon Empire on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
"Every fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying." Harry Anderson
"Just remember... when you think all is lost, the future remains." Robert Goddard
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." Philip K. Dick
"Don't let me hear you say that life's taking you nowhere." David Bowie, "Golden Years"
"Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest m*********er in the world." Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it." Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) in Ferris Buller's Day Off
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Ben Franklin
"In a mad world only the mad are sane." Akira Kurosawa
"If a person offends you and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures. Simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick." Mark Twain
"Which is better... to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?" last words of Piggy in Lord of the Flies by William Golding
"Life is a long lesson in humility." James M. Barrie
"A man should keep his little brain attic stocked with all the furniture that he is likely to use, and the rest he can put away in the lumber-room of his library, where he can get it if he wants it." Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." Mark Twain
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." Western Union internal memo, 1876
"We learned more from a three-minute record than we ever learned in school." Bruce Springsteen, "No Surrender"
"It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money." W. C. Fields
"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end." Margaret Thatcher
"Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PC on the QT? Because if it leaks to the VC, he could end up an MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP." Airman Adrian Cronauer (Robin Williams) in Good Morning Vietnam
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." Bill Watterston, Calvin and Hobbes
"Just because something doesn't do what you planned doesn't mean it's useless." Thomas Edison
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously." Hubert Humphrey
"The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down." Flip Wilson
"If bad thoughts caused rain, we'd never see the sun shine." Charlie Brown in Peanuts
"'Contrariwise,' continued Tweedledee, 'if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.'" Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
"Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing." Mother Teresa
"Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be fish." Ovid
"To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. If you're not, pretend you are." Muhammad Ali
"Inches make champions." Vince Lombardi
"A champion is someone who gets up when he can't." Jack Dempsey
"It's not so important who starts the game but who finishes it." John Wooden
"One cannot be too good to one's wheat patch." Zonker Harris in Doonesbury
"Everything starts as somebody's daydream." Larry Niven
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." Winston Churchill
"Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly." Thomas Jefferson
"Whether or not life is discovered there, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet." Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"
"I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home." Groucho Marx
"Wise men say: Forgiveness is divine but never pay full price for late pizza." Michelangelo (the turtle, not the artist)
"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." Les Brown
"It belongs to human nature to hate those you have injured." Tacitus
"My cat's breath smells like cat food." Ralph Wiggum on The Simpsons
"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." AP report describing then-Fresno State men's basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian
"A lie is a very poor way to say hello." Edith Keeler (Joan Collins) in Star Trek episode "City On The Edge Of Forever"
"How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want." Dr. Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer) referring to men on Frasier
"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done." Andy Rooney
"No wonder they execute people at dawn. Who wants to live at six A.M.?" Benjamin Frankiln "Hawkeye" Pierce (Alan Alda) on M*A*S*H*
"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success." Jim Backus
"Dancing is a very crude attempt to get into the rhythm of life." George Bernard Shaw
"Ideas are the beginning of all achievement." Bruce Lee
"By working together, pooling our resources and building on our strengths, we can accomplish great things." Ronald Reagan
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." Dale Carnegie
"A man's accomplishments in life are the cumulative effect of his attention to detail." John Foster Dulles
"Let the moment come when nothing is left but life, and you will find that you do not hesitate over the fate of material possessions." Eddie Rickenbacker, WWI flying ace
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." Abe Lincoln
"It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, the baker that we expect our dinner; but with regard from their self interest." Adam Smith
"When the authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." Matt Groening
"Cucumber should be well sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out." Samuel Johnson