There were a few things I never had to fear in my relationship with JC. One was sincerity. He was always sincere and so was I. Another was commitment. Finally, the third thing was that no matter what we would always be friends. Always, no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. I really believed him when he spouted this propaganda. Cuz propaganda it sure was.

I couldn’t believe all the support we got from our friends and family when we announced that we were a couple. I suspected that we would have at least some opposition, but everybody who mattered was okay with it. I was on fuckin’ cloud nine. A place that I could never imagine myself going ever. And worst of all, I was deeply in love. The love we shared was timeless, and it could never be replicated. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much.

The first time I realized that JC wasn’t completely honest with me, I was saddened. But, as luck would have it, the worst was only to come. A simple, "I’m gonna work late at the studio tonight, hun", became a repetitive saying of JC’s. Almost every night he would work overtime. Naturally, being the curious and not trusting man that I am, I followed him. He did go to the studio. Boy, did I ever feel like a smuck! As I was about to leave I noticed that he was, too. I again followed him and found out that he went to hang out with Joey. I was cool with this. I didn’t think it was a regular occurrence, so it didn’t matter. A couple of days later I decided to visit him in the studio, just to make up for my spying , even though he was in the dark about it. JC wasn’t in the studio when I got there. So, I figured that he might have gone to see Joey again. Man...I was right. I expected them to be hanging out, but not in a literal sense. It was then I realized that JC had not only lied about staying at the studio, but he was having an affair behind my back, with my best friend.

After that I didn’t give a flying fuck about his sincerity. I tried hard not to cringe every time he said I love you. It didn’t mean anything to me anymore. I felt hollow, yet I couldn’t bring myself to explain this to my "lover". I don’t know why I didn’t dump his sorry ass after I found out. Maybe it was my morbid fascination with the affair. I think I secretly didn’t want it to end. It was refreshing to spy on him, to invade his privacy and keep a dirty little secret of my own. Truth be known, I was fuckin’ messed up.

So, the first two promises of our relationship were thrown out the window. Sincerity, and commitment. JC obviously broke those two rules. The only one left was friendship. I definitely didn’t want to be friends with JC. I don’t know what I wanted. 

I think JC realized there was something weird going on with me soon after I found out. It wasn’t like our relationship’s dynamics changed much, but I was acting strangely. It was then that he started to over compensate. Can’t say that I complained much during this period of time. The sex we had was awe-inspiring. But it was only sex. I could no longer make love to a man who I had no feelings for. Literally, I’m hollow remember.

I wish I had stayed hollow. Now, I just feel shitty all the time. Like my life has lost all meaning, and I curse JC silently. Wishing that he hadn’t done this to me. And maybe even wishing that I could tell him that I knew. But I may never tell him that, and he will never know. It’s not like he could catch me spying because I stopped that a month after I started it.

I stay quiet a lot now. I think Joey has noticed my distance the most. I try not to be in a room alone with him. I think it would tear me down to hear him ask me concernedly, "Are you okay, Lance? You’ve been acting real weird lately". Maybe I’d slug him. Or worse try to fuck him. Really, I’m so screwed up now that I’d probably do the latter. Wouldn’t that just throw a twist into the whole scenario. I laugh out loud at this and my group mates stare at me. I can feel their new found insecurities around me. They can feel my loss of sanity. The power I possess, now, is bitter and overwhelming. Sometimes, I wish I were dead. That would make your day, wouldn’t it, JC? You’d stand over my corpse and laugh. Then you’d maybe fuck Joey’s brains out and laugh with him, too. Wouldn’t that be nice? I’d spit on you, down from heaven.

Chris tried to analyze me once. He asked me stupid questions and even dug out the ink blots. I was baffled. I didn’t know a thing about those damn ink blots. I ended up saying some shit about blood, and gore. Chris doesn’t talk to me anymore. Hey, that rhymed! It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t talk to me, though. On some level I never liked him anyway. I try to focus my attention on Justin. He is my only friend now. But I feel him pulling away. I shouldn’t have described my lunacy to him.

JC won’t sleep with me anymore. He told me that I needed help. What is he talking about? I don’t need help, he does. The fucking cheat!! I think I could coerce Justin into having sex with me, if I tried real hard. He told me a long time ago that he had a crush on me. I don’t know how he feels now, but I think he’d do it. 

Justin won’t fuck me either. I guess he would feel sorry for JC. I laughed in his fucking face. How dare he defend the bastard?! I didn’t tell Justin about JC and Joey. It was still my secret. I would tell it when the time was right. Possibly to a whole room of press. Sweet revenge, baby!

"Now, it’s time to say goodbye, to all our company. M-I-C, See ya real soon, K-E-Y, Why? Because we like you, M-O-U-S-E". That’s my favorite song now. I listen to it continuously. It gets me through my sentence. I won’t be in here for long. Really, I’m not crazy. They can’t just up and institutionalize me anyway. I’m Lance Bass. I’m in a very successful boy band. I’m soo much cooler then the doctors here. This was JC’s idea. Maybe I’ll harm him when I get out. Better not tell that to Nurse Nancy. She’ll just up my dosage of relaxants. She has to watch me take them now because I don’t usually swallow. Bitch.