UNCLE Xmas '99
Yes, we have survived another holiday season (and mostly intact, too.) The family gathered at my home on Christmas Eve (Brenda gets the even years) and it was definitely a full house. Jason (our brother) came in (minus the drugged-out wife, who is now called the ex). Cousin Larry came, with his girlfriend, and of course Sir John is still alive and kicking (not quite as high, but he�s still doing okay for seventy-seven.) Morgan came alone, and was looking quite zombie-fied (what do you expect when you�re pulling 80 plus hours as a hospital resident?) She had to go back on Sunday, so we considered ourselves lucky to see her awake at the table (she slept the rest of the time she was here.) Of course, Mama Jackie was the self-declared center of attention, decked out in a red and black Claiborne suit (the one with the really short skirt.) We also had to make sure all the gadgets and guns, ammo, etc. were locked up tight (I swear the perfect job for Antoinette would be with the bomb squad of the NYPD. It�s a pity she�s still too young to apply.)
Dinner started okay, except for the fact that Napoleon was late coming home. And of course, he had to make a spectacular scene, roaring up the driveway in the Lambourghini with a police escort (twelve police cars from five states). He had just come home from helping out an old friend (blonde, brunette or redhead, I didn�t ask.) and (as he described it) developed problems with the spedometer (Right. He forgot he was talking to the inventor of the drive-thru jewelry store.) And I became the grinch that night for telling the cops they could have them both (Napoleon and the car. I thought I�d have pity on everyone and keep the kids. I think I screwed myself on that deal.)
Unfortunately, I was unable to sleep due to the fact that the telephone kept ringing, every hour - on the hour. The Magistrate�s office was begging me to come get Napoleon (which I finally did around 4 a.m. Other than that, and maybe 2 hrs. sleep, the rest of Christmas Day was fine. Mama Jackie was even moderately well behaved (the biggest miracle of all. I had to go outside to make sure I was at the right address.)
Outside of that, Christmas was pretty normal. The kids weren�t any worse than usual. Maggie brought a friend home from school for the holidays and apparently had told this young girl, Kaulah, that she had been orpahaned and that we had taken her in as a baby. So, needless to say, Brenda set the record straight on that (and we are currently not speaking, either. I had no idea the video surveillance was on when Maggie was born! I swear she's as bad as Grandaddy ever was. And he had videotape of the conception!) For that matter, Maggie�s didn�t speak to anyone the rest of the time she was home. We didn�t even know the two had left until I found a message on the answering machine asking for tuition money and to send her credit card to her, which apparently she forgot when transferring purses.
I guess that pretty much wraps up our Christmas. There�s really not much to tell about New Year�s Eve, as we stayed home and enjoyed life�s necessities (caviar, Dom Perignon, chocolate, cheese, etc.). Thank God Mama Jackie didn�t go to Times Square (he was at Brenda's. She's braver than I am.) We had the television on and holding our breath to make sure he wasn�t there (he�d been talking about climbing the New Year�s ball wearing nothing but a top hat and diaper of all things.), but we were spared the embarrassment. The kids set off fireworks in the backyard for awhile starting at 12:01 and then decided to take turns checking the phones and flicking lights on and off to make sure everything was still working. So that was pretty much it. I�m currently down with the flu, so my head�s about to explode and my body feels as if it�s been run over by an 18-wheeler with a giant Thrush on the side of it, so that�s pretty much all I can recall of the holidays right now.
Until next time. . .
Lynda DeBeauharnais Solo
