The Home Shopping Affair
Never let an insomniac near a television set. Especially if they have a seemingly unlimited supply of money. And it's even worse when you have a goofy guy on the tube selling off surplus military equipment.
Brenda was thinking those very thoughts when she turned the television on in the den around three in the morning. She couldn't sleep, so she had went to the kitchen and fixed a cup of tea. Curling up on the sofa, she started surfing through channel after channel of movies, news, infomercials, etc. Nothing at all looked appealing or even remotely interesting.
Until she came across an Indian fellow wearing a turban with his white suit and flashy red tie. He was speaking in accented English as he described some of the items he was hawking at this ungodly hour. �I haf a genuine Sherman tank discarded by the United State Army. Excellent condition. Only eight million American dollar.�
�Is this for real?� Brenda asked laughing. Then she saw the tank on the screen. First there was an exterior shot, then video footage of the interior of the vehicle. �I don't believe this. Eight million for a tank.� She slapped her leg, she was so tickled. �Right. Like I'm really going to charge eight million dollars on my Mastercard.� She took off her glasses and wiped her eyes. She picked up the telephone and dialed a number. A couple of rings later, she heard Lynda pick up. �Lynda, turn to Channel 298. You gotta see this shithead.�
Lynda was laughing over the phone. �Oh, you mean Allah Ahkeehm. He's also advertising a complete missile silo for only fourteen point five million, complete with the controls for launching them.�
�Is this guy joking?� she asked.
�I don't know about that. I'm waiting for someone to call about that missile silo.� She blew her nose and the sound was rather gross. �I would really like to see someone get that Sherman tank, too. I can see somebody in the neighborhood actually driving one of those around.�
�The neighbors would shit, that's for sure.�
�Hell, they almost did when we moved in,� Lynda reminded her.
�Then why don't you call and buy that missile silo?� Brenda asked. �There should be enough room in the back past the pool for it.�
�I'm waiting for someone to go to bed first.�
In the background, Brenda heard Napoleon comment �Why would anyone want a missile silo in their backyard?� Then she heard Lynda tell him �We don't have one. And neither does anyone else in the neighborhood.� Then Napoleon quipped �It's probably hot. I think I need to run a check on this guy.�
�I hate to interrupt here,� Brenda started, �but are you getting off here so we can check this out or what?�
Napoleon came on the line. �You want that tank, don't you?� he asked.
�Well, it doesn't hurt to call and inquire,� she admitted. �I'll talk to you guys later.� She hung up and saw the number flash on the screen. She quickly dialed the number and waited. After someone picked up, Brenda asked �Has that Sherman tank been sold yet?�
About three weeks later, Maggie came home from school. She was tired and had experienced a rough day. Two pop quizzes in English and Math, and a major test in Chemistry that literally turned into a bomb. She was still embarrassed over the incident which involved hydrogen and a couple of other gasses that resulted in major damage to the science building. It was even more embarrassing when Napoleon came to the school to talk to the principal.
She came around the back of the house and saw a sight. �Oh Hell,� she said. She saw Amy out on the patio with Rachel, who was a tall, slender girl with reddish brown hair and a plain face. �What are those holes in the yard for?�
Amy looked concerned. �Mom's off her rocker,� she commented.
�Like that's news,� Maggie groaned. �She's always doing something to get a rise out of the neighbors.�
�It appears to be a bunch of missiles,� Rachel remarked, watching six pointed ends come up out of the ground.
�Oh my God,� Maggie moaned. �Where's Dad?�
�I dunno,� Amy said. �But wherever he is, he's better off.�
Maggie ran into the house and through the den. She opened the door that led downstairs to the basement and ran down the steps. �Mama!� she called out.
�Down here,� Lynda called back. She was in a small room just off the recreation room, tweaking a bunch of strange equipment. �I take it you saw the missiles.�
�Are you finally planning your world takeover?� Maggie leaned against the doorframe.
Lynda turned around and laughed. �Whatever gave you that idea, Maggie?� She winked. �I'm only going to direct the missiles at THRUSH headquarters, blow it all up and then I will rule the world.�
�You're crazy.�
�You're right.� Lynda's eyes twinkled. �Seriously, I'm aggravating the neighbors.�
�That was going to be my second guess.� She walked in and looked around. �Dad's gonna croak.�
�Nah, he won't. He'll only ask why I waited so long to get one.� She sat down. �You should see what your Aunt Brenda got.�
Over at Brenda's house, there was a giant object parked in the garage covered with a giant tarp. Nick and Vanya had just gotten home and changed clothes before coming out to the garage to look for the tennis rackets. They immediately saw the tarp and looked at each other.
�Okay,� Vanya replied. �What have we got here?� He walked over and took the tarp off to discover the tank. �Wow.�
Nick was speechless. �Boy, that's the first one I've seen in the neighborhood.� He walked over and climbed up to lift the hatch. �Vanya, you gotta see this.� He climbed into the tank and started searching around.
Vanya couldn't stand the excitement, so he climbed on in and was in as much awe as his brother. �Where did this come from?� he asked, trying out the periscope. �Hey, cool!�
Nick started it up. �Wonder what kind of gas mileage this thing gets.�
�Let's find out,� his brother said.
A while later, the tank was lumbering down a street in the downtown area of Scarsdale and it was quite a sight. The periscope was constantly moving from one side to another, scanning the scenery. People were in total shock, some were screaming as the vehicle drove down the street.
A police officer at the local donut shop spotted the tank and blinked. Dropping his donut on the table, he looked at his partner and asked �Did you see that?�
�Yeah,� the other cop reluctantly answered. �How do we radio this one in?�
Within minutes, about six police cars were rushing toward the tank, sirens blaring and lights flashing. The tank reluctantly pulled over and the cops pulled alongside the shoulder in a line behind it.
Inside the tank, Vanya was asking �What did you pull over for? We could've done an O. J. Simpson.�
�The gas tank's on E,� Nick answered glumly. �So much for our stroll through town.�
A burly cop climbed onto the tank and banged his nightstick �Open up.�
The lid opened and Nick stuck his head out, asking �What can I do for you, Officer?� He noticed a little bit of powdered sugar on the cop's chin. �Oh, by the way, you need to wipe your chin off.�
The cop ignored him. �Where did you get this relic from? The army/navy surplus store?�
Nick shrugged �Actually, we just found it.�
�Yeah,� the cop laughed. The other cops started laughing as well. �I don't know of anything on the books about driving a tank within city limits, so I guess we'll have to just take you home.�
A little bit later, the doorbell rang at Lynda's. Mona heard it in the kitchen and stopped what she was doing to answer it. She got a surprise when she opened the door and a cop was standing there with Nick and Vanya. �Oh,� she started. �Can I help you?�
�These kids say they live here,� the officer started. �Are either of their parents home?�
Mona didn't know how to answer, so she excused herself and went into the den, where Napoleon was sitting in his recliner, reading a newspaper. �There's a cop at the front door,� she announced.
Napoleon put down his paper. �A cop?� he asked. �What does he want?�
�Nick and Vanya are with him,� she answered. �I think you can pretty much guess the rest.�
Napoleon got up without another word and walked into the foyer and approached the open doorway, asking �Can I help you, Officer?�
�These your kids, Sir?� he asked.
�No,� he replied. He stepped out onto the front porch. Looking at the boys, he asked �What have you done now?�
�Uh, nothing,� Vanya answered. �We got lost.�
�In a tank,� the cop answered. �We caught these two driving a tank without a license.�
�Hmmm,� Napoleon started, trying to keep from laughing. He pointed over toward Brenda's house on the other side of the pond. �Actually, I'm their uncle. Their parents live right over on the other side of the pond.�
The cop apologized and took the boys back to the patrol car. Napoleon went back into the house and closed the door.
A few minutes later, the cop showed up with the boys on the front porch at Brenda's. This time, Illya came to the door, asking �How can I help you, Officer?�
The cop went through the same routine. �These your kids?�
�No,� he answered curtly, yanking both boys into the foyer. �What have they done now?�
�They were caught driving a tank through town,� the cop answered.
�I'll handle this,� Illya replied decisively. �Good day.� He shut the door in the cop's face and bolted it. �What tank?� he asked.
�The one in the garage,� Vanya answered. �We took it out for a spin.�
Nick looked around. �Where's Mom?�
�She's not home yet.� Illya motioned for them to follow him into the den. He took his seat in a recliner and asked. �What was the tank doing in the garage?�
�It didn't tell us,� Nick replied sassily. �It was in the garage covered up with a tarp.�
Illya picked up the phone and started pushed a button. Putting it to his ear, he waited a couple of rings and then asked �Tell Brenda I'm coming over.� He slammed the receiver down and left the house through the kitchen door.
In the basement at Lynda's, the girls were busy as beavers. Lynda was sitting in front of the gadgets while Brenda was on the private line connecting the house with UNCLE HQ and searching through maps on the computer terminal in front of her.
�Where is it?� Lynda pestered.
Brenda waved her hand. �Shhh.� She asked over the phone �Dawson, I'm nowhere near close on this map, am I?�
Upstairs in the library, Illya picked up the receiver on the private line and quietly listened in for a couple of minutes. He was totally shocked at what he was hearing and quickly, yet quietly, hung the receiver back up and rushed into the den. �Do you have any idea of what's going on under your nose?� he asked Napoleon rather angrily.
�Let me guess: a world takeover in progress?� he asked, not peeking out from behind the newspaper.
Illya walked over and yanked the paper from him. �Our wives are about to blow up THRUSH headquarters.� He pointed toward the backyard, where through the sliding doors they could see a missile raising up out of a hole in the ground.
Napoleon was surprised, but not shocked. �Oh, I see we have the first missile silo in the neighborhood.� He quickly went into the hallway and opened the door to the basement. �You girls had better not be getting ready to blow up anything,� he hollered down the steps. �One missile goes off and that entire silo goes out of here.�
Brenda came to the bottom of the stairs, arguing �We're not twelve years old anymore. We know what we're doing.�
�BRENDA!� Illya shouted. �GET UP HERE NOW!!!�
�Would you quit bellowing?� she asked. �I can hear fine from down here.�
�You're being a smartass,� Illya pointed out.
�And?� she asked. �Why say anything about that now? You knew I was a smartass before you married me, Illya.�
�The boys were brought home by the police.�
Brenda ran up the steps. �For what?� she asked.
�They were driving an army tank through town.�
Brenda was livid. �Damn them. I was going to use that this weekend.� She stormed past both the guys and went to the kitchen.
Illya followed, telling her �We need to do something with them.�
�Such as?� she asked, turning around. �Every private school in the country has their faces on wanted posters. Where can we send them?�
�There's a military school I've heard about overseas that might be worth looking into.�
�Where? Bosnia?�
�Close.� He stopped at the coffeepot on the counter and poured a cup. �Siberia.�
�Siberia?� she asked. �And you want to have me locked up in a looney bin?�
�Think about it, they could brush up on their Russian.� He took a sip. �I've already called and spoken with the Commandant. They have to arrive two weeks from tomorrow in time for the fall semester.�
Brenda opened the fridge and found some White Zinfandel. She helped herself and started gulping it from her glass. �You've already made this decision without talking to me first?� she asked as it all slowly sinked in. �And I'm supposed to just go along with it without a word?�:
�I thought you'd be thrilled,� he replied. �You said you didn't care where they went, as long as they went somewhere to school where they wouldn't get into trouble.�
�I didn't think you'd have the balls to send them on the other side of the planet,� she grunted.
Meanwhile, downstairs in the basement, Napoleon was arguing incesantly with Lynda and frustrated because he was getting nowhere. �I want all this junk out of here and I want it out now!� he barked. �I have had enough of you and your insanity and for once I intend to have peace in this house.�
�Oh, pipe down,� she sighed, looking rather nonchalant. �All I've gotta do is blow up THRUSH headquarters, then you could retire and we can all enjoy the tranquility.�
�What tranquility?� he asked, �we'll have a full-fledged war on our hands. Do you have any idea what that involves?�
�I have an idea,� she winked. �You're making a big deal out of nothing, Nappy. Think about it. No more problems.�
�The Pentagon knocking on the front door asking for their stolen equipment back.�
She shook her head. �The cold war's over with. Get over it.�
�And when you launch those missiles off, it'll be on again.� He opened up a door and walked into a closet and flipped the main power switch, shutting down power to the entire house. �No firing off missiles, Lynda!� He stormed out of the room past her and started up the steps.
Lee was coming down the steps, looking rather agitated. �Dad, the neighbors are in the front yard, chanting for Mom's head.�
�What?� he asked. �I've already shut off the power.�
�They're forming a lynch mob. Flaming torches and all.�
�Don't be melodramatic,� he replied, entering the hallway and hearing the sounds outside. He looked out the peephole of the front door and was rather amused at the sight.
A crowd had gathered in the front lawn, armed with flaming torches, rifles, axes, all sorts of weaponry. Some had crowbars and lead pipes. They were all angry and were chanting �Hand over the crazy one!�
Illya and Brenda came into the hallway, followed by Maggie, Amy and Rachel. �What's with the lynch mob?� Brenda asked.
�I just remembered the neighborhood barbecue was this afternoon,� Napoleon remarked.
Illya pulled his communicator out of his shirt pocket. �I'll call in the cavalry.�
Brenda went up the staircase. �I'll get the Uzi.�
Napoleon turned around. �I don't think that'll be necessary. Just take the kids down into the basement.� He peeked out the window again to see them starting to storm the door. �
Illya asked �Should we invite them in for negotiations?�
�Actually, I think they're about to invite themselves.� He motioned and they both went into the library and quickly shut the door. �Grab the Magnum out of the top desk drawer,� Napoleon asked, peeking out the front window to see a bunch of guys hoisting a log and ramming the front door.
Illya grabbed the gun and shut the drawer. �Wouldn't it be easier if we just set off a couple of smoke bombs?�
�What do you think the gun's loaded with?� Napoleon winked. He took the gun and opened a pane of glass on the front window.
A couple of rounds were fired, sending the bullet-sized bombs into the front yard. One crashed through a window in a silver Land Rover that was parked out front, sending a cloud of thick, grayish white smoke ballooning throughout the interior. The mob was distracted by the smoke.
The second round landed in a birdbath, setting off another cloud of the putrid, thick vapor and within seconds, the Land Rover blew up into a fireball in the driveway. Napoleon was definitely shocked. He turned around and looked at Illya, shrugging �I'll write a check.�
�Don't concern yourself,� Illya replied. �I wasn't that thrilled with it anyway.�
Meanwhile, the mob was dispersing rather quickly, high-tailing it down the driveway past the wreckage that was burning quite nicely. Illya stood at the window, laughing his socks off. �You would think that the neighbors would know by now not to come over without an invitation.�
�Let's hope they don't forget their manners next time,� Napoleon remarked, closing the glass and putting the gun back into the desk. He picked up the phone and called Headquarters to check in and cancel the backup, as well as to request a fire truck.
Back downstairs, Brenda quickly flipped the main power switch back on. �We're firing and that's it,� she decreed.
�Sounds good to me,� Lynda replied, waiting for the computer to reboot. She hit the speed dial button on the phone. �Dawson, could you resend that data?� she asked.
�Are you nuts?� he asked over the speakerphone. �I could be detrained for this, Lynda. We're talking about a major security breach here.�
�Yeah, then again, you might be dismissed if you don't.� She laughed. �Don't forget to whom you're speaking.�
�That's why I'm saying no,� he smarted off. �You do know, if you do this, you'll be locked up, I'll be fired, then-�
�Oh shut up!� Maggie butted in. �Just send the fucking shit and shut the hell up!�
Lynda's mouth fell open. �Would you like to re-phrase that?�
Maggie scooted Brenda out of the way and looked at the screen. �I'm sick of all the bickering. I'm sick of Harry and everybody. Let's go ahead and blow up that goddamned installation and be done with it.�
A couple of seconds later, the screen came up with a bunch of coordinates. Brenda quickly set up the equipment and Lynda had her finger poised on the red button.
�And who, pray tell, is going to be the one to push this button?� Lynda gleefully chirped.
Amy and Lee quickly scurried away. �Not us,� they chimed. �Ya'll go on ahead and start the war without us.�
Maggie looked around and it was just the three of them: herself, her mother and her aunt. �Are you offering?�
�Go ahead.� Lynda moved her finger.
Maggie scooted her chair over to the console and quickly pressed the red button. �Now what?�
�We wait,� Brenda grinned.
In the backyard, the missiles flew up out of the ground, one right after the other until they were all gone. Like baby birds on their first flight, they glided through the air and were quickly out of sight.
In the den, the guys heard the rockets and Napoleon flew out into the foyer, bellowing �I said no missiles!!!� He flung open the door to the basement and flew down the steps, with Illya hot on his heels. �I did not say fire any missiles!,� he loudly fumed. �When I tell you no, I mean absolutely no.�
�We didn't,� Lynda shrugged, looking rather innocent.
�The missiles are in the air, Lynda Josephine!� he snapped. �You set them off.�
�I didn't press the button,� she argued.
�We know where the installation is,� Brenda butted in. �We had the right info. It was going to be destroyed anyway, so what's the fucking big deal?�
�Butt out,� Illya snapped. �I don't want to hear another annoying word out of you.�
�I guess you know you're moving in here,� she stormed past him and up the steps.
Lynda broke out laughing and started following. �This is toooo goood,� she crowed. �I think we'll break open the champagne now.�
Napoleon grabbed the phone and called Headquarters. �This is Solo,� he barked. �Where's Dawson?� A long pause, then Dawson came on the line. �Dawson here.�
�Dawson, I hope you like cold climates,� Napoleon threatened.
�Uh, Mr. Solo, I hope you don't mind my saying, but you did issue a seek and destroy order.� He defended. �I have the memo right here.�
�Never mind the memo. I did not say that the missiles were to be deployed from my own backyard. Neither Lynda or Brenda are cleared for section two, nor are they authorized to blow up anything. And I have to clean up the mess.�
�Oh, minor little detail,� he remarked. �At least we're destroying it.�
�That's not the point right now,� Napoleon interrupted. �Who told you to send to coordinates here?�
�Uh,� he hesitated. �Well, first I had to listen to Brenda's harangue, then your wife, the finally Maggie said to send the fucking data.�
Meanwhile, Maggie slipped past and started for the steps. Illya snatched her by the collar and brought her back into the room, asking �You? You fired those missiles?�
�Yep,� she grinned. �I thought it was high time I started my section two training.�
�I don't think so,� Illya remarked. �Your father's going to kill you, you know that?�
�Nah,� she shrugged. �he won't.�
�Would you like to wager on that?� Napoleon asked, looking rather irate. �Do you have any idea of what you've done?�
�Yeah,� she replied, looking at the computer screen. A red blinking dot on a map disappeared. �It's gone now.� She pointed.
�How does boarding school sound to you?�
Maggie laughed. �Right, Dad. I can be expelled by lunch.� She turned around and walked out of the room, snickering the entire way.
Illya sat down in the other chair, looking rather old and tired himself. �Did I mention I've found a school that will take the boys?�
�You did?� Napoleon asked, looking as tired as he felt. �Where?�
�Siberia.�
Napoleon chuckled. �Will they accept female students?�
�I'll call back the first of the week and inquire,� Illya remarked, eyeing the electrical outlet. He reached over and pulled the plug out of the wall, causing all the equipment to go dead. He then got up and started out of the room.
�Where are you going?�
�I'm going to go get a sledgehammer,� Illya answered. �You look like you could use one.�
�Bring two and we'll smash all this up quicker.� He grinned.
