Like Mother, Like Daughter
Remember the old saying: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree? It's quite true. And, it seems, as if we unwittingly repeat some of the stuff our parents did (scary, ain't it?) Enjoy these two shorts about the family curse with cars.
Lynda's story (years ago. Around 1982) . . .
Mama Jackie should've known better than to leave his car parked in the backyard. Especially in Grandaddy's prized rosebushes. But, with it being late and Mama Jackie being drunk at the time, he really wasn't thinking about those roses, much less his silver Cadillac Seville.
It was around eight the next morning when Grandaddy discovered the car. Parked askew in the middle of a cluster of yellow rosebushes not far from the olympic-sized pool, it was a disgraceful sight. Grandaddy let out a swing of swear words that could've been heard all the way to the main road a mile away.
The grandkids were in the dining room at breakfast. Upon hearing Grandaddy, Morgan asked �Who's going to move the car?�
�I ain't,� Jason remarked, his mouth full. �I moved it yesterday.�
�I moved it the day before that,� Brenda said, sipping on her pineapple juice. �Don't even look at me.�
All three of them looked at Lynda, who was chomping on a blueberry muffin. Morgan tossed the keys down the table toward her sister. �You're drafted.�
�Hell, no,� Lynda said decisively and gave the keys to Brenda.
�Oh yes,� Brenda nodded. �Before Grandaddy comes in and starts yelling at us.�
�We ain't got nothing to do with this. Mama Jackie left it there, by God Mama Jackie can move it himself.�
�Do you still want to leave for Paris in the morning?� Brenda winked.
�Of course we're still going,� Lynda decreed. �Hell, let's leave now. All I need to do is call the pilot and go upstairs and get Napoleon out of bed and tell him `let's go'.�
Grandaddy came in, asking �Who's moving the car?�
The other three grandkids pointed at Lynda. Grandaddy's eyes narrowed. �I'm going upstairs and kill Jacques.� He turned on his heel and left.
Needless to say, Lynda reluctantly got up and went outside. She shook her head and mumbled the whole time she walked and was still grumbling when she got in the car and started it. �Damn drunk transvestite,� she complained. �I oughta call the state bar and have him reported and see how he likes that.� She put the car in gear and stepped on the gas.
The car flew over the bushes and Lynda saw the pool straight ahead. �Goddamnit!� she screeched and tried to slam on the brakes, but it was too late. The car went forward and landed into the pool. Water rushed in through the open front windows as the car stated to sink. Lynda climbed out through the window and onto the roof to see all three siblings rushing outside onto the patio to see what had happened. She just simply laughed �The car needed a bath anyway,� she remarked.
From the balcony on the second floor, Mama Jackie was leaning over the railing, wearing only a pink satin robe, yelling �What in God's name have you done now, Lynda Josephine???�
�You shouldn't have left the goddamned car in the rosebushes,� she hollered back. �Can't you park in the garage like everyone else?�
Mama Jackie flew through the open French doors and a couple of minutes later, was coming out of the den and onto the patio. Lynda had already gotten onto solid ground and started fussing again �Grandaddy's going to kill you.�
�You brat!� he fumed, stalking over to her and raising his hand back. �I'm gonna beat you so bad nobody's gonna recognize you. And you're not going to no goddamned France tomorrow.�
�Wanna bet?� she asked, moving backwards around the edge of the pool. �Who are you, anyway?� she taunted. �You're just a drunk, tansvesttie psuedo-lawyer who doesn't know his dick from a hole in the ground!�
Everyone's mouths fell open in shock and they held their breath, waiting for the sky to fall. Mama Jackie started running towards Lynda, but she picked up her pace in reverse and in the process, sent a chair flying in front of him. Mama Jackie tried to jump over the chair, but instead his left foot got tangled up in it and he ended up falling into the deep end of the pool with the chair.
Lynda stood there and laughed as he came up for air. �Sober yet?� she asked.
Mama Jackie started spewing water and made his way toward the ladder. �Your ass is grass and I'm gonna mow it.�
Lynda started running around the edge of the pool, taunting �You've gotta catch me first.�
Mama Jackie got out of the pool, soaked to the bone, and started for the house. He started panting for breath by the time he got to the patio and Lynda had already run back into the house. He stopped momentarily to catch his breath and made a dash indoors.
Napoleon was coming down the stairs, already dressed to go out when Lynda came tearing into the house and up the steps. �What's going on?� he asked, catching her to keep her from knocking him down.
�Uh, the Caddie's in the pool and Mama Jackie's hung over,� she explained quickly, turning around to see Mama Jackie at the end of the case, bent over and trying to regain his breath.
Napoleon looked at Mama Jackie and asked �How was your morning swim?�
�Funny,� he grunted. �That brat drove my car into the pool.�
�Jacques, it was an accident,� he tried to reason. �You parked in the roses again, didn't you?�
�That's not the point.�
�I think I need to go upstairs and change,� Lynda replied and broke away. �I'll be ready to go in a few.� She took off up the staircase.
Napoleon turned around. �I've already called the pilot and the plane will be ready within an hour,� he hollered after her. �Are your bags packed?�
Lynda stopped at the landing and turned around. �I've been packed for a week.� She turned around and ran down the hallway.
Maggie's Story (summer of 1999) . . .
That Saturday morning, Amy and Lee were out in the backyard, trying to wash down their mom's teal 1994 Ford Flare Side truck. And they weren't in the mood to do it, either. But they were caught just a couple of days ago helping Nick and Vanya tie one of the neighbors up in a tree and interrogating him about his telescope (apparently, the kids saw the telescope in their direction and thought THRUSH.), so this was Amy and Lee's penance (Nick and Vanya were at their home, mowing the grass and washing windows.) Not only did they have to wash their mom's truck, but also her '93 Lincoln Town Car. And, since Napoleon was still at headquarters overseeing another crisis and Lynda had to replace a mainframe in Section Four that had crashed, Maggie was on hand to supervise while Mona went out to run the errands.
Maggie went back to her chair and her computer and was settled comfortably again, her train of thought back on track. She waited for a webpage to load and looked up. Amy had left the truck by the pool, but had disappeared. Maggie picked up the cordless phone and dialed a number. Putting it to her ear, she waited a couple of rings, then the automated answerer came on �You have reached the New York offices of the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement. If you know your party's extension, please enter it now. If not, stay on the line for the next available operator.�
Maggie punched in an extension and waited. A couple of rings, then she heard her daddy's voice answer �Napoleon Solo here.�
�Daddy, how much longer are you going to be?� Maggie asked.
�Shouldn't be too much longer, Princess,� he answered, checking his watch. �What's going on?�
�Amy's disappeared again. She left Bubba parked by the pool.�
�Where's your brother?�
�He went upstairs. Amy gave him a black eye and he slapped her around.�
�We'll be there as soon as we can,� he sighed. �Anything else going on?�
�No. Nick and Vanya haven't blown up their house yet, but I'm still waiting.�
�Okay then.� The line went dead.
Maggie cut the phone off and saw Lee coming out of the house. �Where's Amy?�
�She left with Rachel for the mall.�
�Damn her,� Maggie fumed. �She knows she's grounded.�
�Have you called Dad?�
�Yeah,� she sighed, logging off her connection and waiting for the program to shut down.
�Don't worry. It's not your fault.� He sat down on the other side of the table and poured a glass of lemonade. �Amy'll be dead when she comes home. Count on it. I've got first dibs."
"Yeah," she scoffed. "You'll get the pieces left over after Mama and Dad get hold of her. She looked out at the pool. �Bubba still hasn't been washed and waxed.� Maggie shut down the computer. �I'm not going to worry about that. It's not my problem.�
Lee tossed over the keys. �Just put it back in the garage, then.�
�How's your eye?� she asked, looking at his face. It was rather swollen and was turning a lovely blue-black already.
�Still sore.� he picked up an ice pack and put over it. "My eye's not hanging out, so there's no need for panic.�
Maggie set the laptop on the table and picked up the keys. She got up and went over to the truck. �I'm gonna strangle that brat when I see her,� she fussed as she got in and stuck the key in the ignition. She thought she didn't need to look at the column, since she had moved the car so many times, she thought she knew instinctively what gear it was in.
Lee picked up the television remote and started surfing the channels when he heard tires squeal. He looked up and, with mouth open in shock, watched helplessly as the truck lurched backwards and land into the swimming pool!
As if in slow motion, Lee jumped up, tossed the ice pack aside and ran toward the pool. �Maggie!� he yelled upon seeing her swim out of the cab. �Are you okay?� he asked, offering her a hand up.
She took his hand and started climbing out of the pool, spitting chlorinated water out of her mouth. �I think so, but I don't know about Bubba,� she said.
�Why worry about it?�
�Why?� she repeated. �Mama's gonna croak when she comes home and sees that truck in the middle of the pool.�
A little while later, the Escalade pulled into the garage and Lynda wearily got out, pulling out her scrunchie and letting her hair fall down. She didn't feel all that tired, since Napoleon made her lie down on the sofa in his office for awhile when he arrived earlier. She threw her purse strap over her left shoulder and walked toward the house, carrying her brown suede mules in one hand.
The Lexus pulled in just as Lynda started toward the house and she stopped and smiled. Napoleon parked the car in the garage and got out, locking the door with the remote as he walked over toward her. �You look beat,� she remarked.
�I feel it,� he replied. �I'm going upstairs to change and then I'll go to the mall.�
�Ah,� she nodded. �And what are we shopping for?�
He slid his arm around her waist and walked around toward the back of the house with her. �I'm going to shop for a casket.�
�For whom?� she asked, bracing herself.
They approached the backyard and saw the truck sitting by the pool, the doors open and water draining out of the floorboard. Lynda froze at the sight. �What on earth?� she managed to ask.
�I don't know,� Napoleon answered, wondering the same thing she was. He let go of her and ran up the steps to the patio, asking Maggie �What happened to Bubba?�
Maggie started crying, knowing she was in trouble. �I was trying to move Bubba right after I called you about Amy and I must have put it in the wrong gear and it ended up in the pool.�
Lynda was coming up the steps and heard it. Suddenly, she broke out laughing. �And you're worried I'm going to kill you?� she asked.
�I'm sorry, Mama,� she started bawling.
Napoleon started chuckling. �You're not the first person in this family to wash a car in the pool,� he tried to tell her.
�No,� Lynda butted in, setting her stuff down in a chair and giving Maggie a big hug. She started stroking her hair and whispered �I've done it, too. Ask Grandma Jackie about his Seville.�
�Huh?� she asked, starting to laugh. �Is this another one of your escapades?�
�It was the summer of 1982, right before your Dad and I went to Paris. We were at Grandaddy's ranch and your Grandma Jackie came back late, drunker than a skunk and left his Cadillac Seville parked in the rosebushes by the pool. Grandaddy saw it the next morning and raised total cain and I ended up having to go outside and move it. I accidentally put it in the wrong gear and it ended up getting a wash job in the pool.�
�What did Grandma Jackie say?� she asked.
�To say the least, he was pissed off to the max. He started chasing me around the edge of the pool and ended up losing his footing and fell in himself.�
�You're just making that up to make me feel better.�
Lynda sat down in a chair. "What else did I miss?"
"Uh, Lee's got a black eye."
Lynda immediately got up. "Where is he?"
"Upstairs, I think. Amy punched him earlier."
She took a deep breath. "I'm going upstairs to check on him, then I'm coming back down. I think we both could use a glass of wine to settle our nerves." She started inside after Napoleon, asking "What in Hell is going to happen next around here?"
"It could be worse," he offered. "We could have Brenda's kids."
"Ain't no way," she moaned. "I'd have to kill myself."
