Lynda's Annual Letter (1999)
We've had quite a year in our family. I've been busy with the newest family project, Aerohawke, so I've been shuttling between Scarsdale and Houston and I'm currently feeling like my brother's old Stretch Armstrong doll that's been pulled a time too many.
Mama Jackie's still hasn't undergone the sex change operation, maybe next year he'll decide to. He's already had a vasectomy and I know this personally because he has shown me the "evidence".
The children (I'm sorry, adolescents) still think I'm crazy. Maggie has went away to boarding school in Pennsyvania, declaring that she wanted peace and tranquility, as well as normalcy ( and I don't even know what all that is. So far, she's doing okay - her report cards are mostly A's and B's (except for an C in math, which she cried for an hour over the phone about.) It's hard to believe she';s sixteen now. She now has her driver's license and managed to wheedle a brand new Mercedes convertible out of Mama Jackie (after I snuck out against Napoleon's wishes and bought this child a brand new Lambourghini and had Larry gear it down so she could handle it.) It didn't work out too bad - Napoleon's already put about 75,000 miles on it and we've only had it since August.
Amy's still sneaking out of the house and trying to go to every party in town. She's now fourteen and at that peon stage (as Mama Jackie always called it.) She's been continuously grounded since March and at the rate she's going, she'll still be grounded when she's 35. Her grades are average, unlike her older sister, but she has that "I don't give a damn" attitude and I am at my wit's end with her (as is her father.) No matter how we upgrade the home security system, she always finds a way around it and sneaks out. She's even taken the car and we've had to go get her from the police station a couple of times.
Napoleon Jr. will be thirteen on Christmas Day and we are rather confused about him. He doesn't like hanging out with other boys and seems to be more comfortable with girls (which has me deeply concerned.) He's been staying out of trouble for the most part, but I keep finding lingeie missing from my drawers and stashed away in his room(which worries me even more, if that's possible.) I found out why on Halloween - he won the school costume contest, dressed as a hooker on crack. Since then, Mama Jackie hasn't been allowed to set foot on our property. This child is becoming more and more like him every day and I'm living in fear of the day when I have to pay someone to marry him. His room is still a mess and the EPA has declared it a federal disaster area. I now owe more than a quarter of a million in fines now and I'm getting ready to bomb it and be done with it.
But the worst one I've had to deal with is, of course, my husband. He's the biggest kid I've got and I didn't even have to give birth to him. Out of all the things I;ve had to endure over Napoleon over the years, nothing beat this year. He was out of town and completely forgot our wedding anniversary!!! Needless to say, I was hurt, but instinct took over (payback's a bitch and so am I.) Let's just say the cold water was turned off in the shower and it was as hot as the heater could be adjusted. The kids all hid in their rooms and waited for the tirade to end (which lasted about three hours.) and I had one steamed husband. (Lobster wasn't that red.) It worked, though. Napoleon hasn't forgotten a thing since.
I'm so looking forward to next year and praying things calm down. It could be worse, though - I could have my sister's family (I think I'd have to check into Bellvue if that ever happened.)
As Confuscious say: man with woman on ground have peace on earth. Peace of mind, however, is a different story. If anyone knows where to find it, please fill me in.
Happy Holidays . . .
Lynda DeBeauharnais Solo
