How to Drive Everyone at UNCLE HQ Completely Insane
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point your hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice (Lynda has actually done this over her cellular phone from the mall by dialing up the code for the HQ PA system.)
3. Insist that your e-mail address at work be: [email protected] (This is actually Brenda's actual work e-mail: [email protected]. Her home e-mail is [email protected]. Lynda's is [email protected], home is [email protected].
4. Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want you to give blood with that.
5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. (bring a boom box and play some striptease music to create atmosphere.)
6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. (An unnatural fear of electronic doors is helpful, too.)
8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. (Spiking the coffeepot with mind-altering drugs is fascinating, too.)
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Special Favors." (or, as Brenda has done quire a number of times: Inheritance Deduction.)
10. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
11. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it this way.
12. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." (of Brenda, that is.)
13. dontuseanypunctuationspaces (or line spacing.)
14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15. Ask people what sex they are (and if they enjoy whips, chains, etc.)
16. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
17. Sing along at the opera (or sing as you skip down the corridors. Lynda and Brenda's personal favorite song to drive people insane: Nowhere To Run by Martha and the Vandellas.)
18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does (this is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
(When in doubt of what to wear, call Mama Jackie for fashion advice at 1-800-TRANSVESTITE.)
20. Send an e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom. (Or, as Brenda has done once: I'll be at home in bed with the better half. Do NOT call unless Harry has escaped from jail again and has taken over UNCLE HQ and killed everyone. She hasn't been allowed an e-mail address since, especially since she hacked into Napoleon's e-mail and attatched his signature to it.)
21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. (Or better still, an electromagnetic field. Be warned, do not try this at home. Napoleon has done this with the Christmas tree the first year he and Lynda were married. Didn't work, though. she simply cut the main power switch and still opened everything a week early.)
22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. (Lynda once told a co-worker in the Computer Section that she wasn't able to attend a baby shower because she was still going through Postpartum Depression. Her youngest was five at the time.)
23. Hum when you ride an elevator (sing a song that drives people crazy works too, especially if the elevator is crowded.)
24. When signing out a car from the UNCLE motor pool (or anything from the weapons room), sign someone else's name to it. This causes great confusion around inventory time. (Nobody has yet to figure out who signed out 5000 explosive charges, 3 modified .357's, 3 communicators and two dozen bullet-sized grenades and signed the invoice "I. C. Butts". He - or she - has yet to be found on the UNCLE payroll.
