In the customary theater...
ESM: Here's a delectable and happily brief affront to LOTR fanfiction.
Elladan: Indeed, is it worth our professional time?
Elrohir: There's an excellent recipe for clam chowder I'd really much rather be experimenting with.
ESM: On with it.
I DO NOT OWN any of what J. R. R. Tolkien characters!
ESM: Neither do I!
I just use them for my stories!
Elladan: She uses them for her MSTs!
and My characters are MINE and NO ONE ELSES!!
ESM: I'm trying to figure out if this person works at the Department of Redundancy Department or at Superemphasis!!. com.
Where is Home?
Elrohir: ::sweetly:: In a coffin.
By: Anarane Alcarin
Elladan: Oh...that was the title?
I was walking through the woods,
Elrohir: Charming imagery.
even though it was pass midnight I didn't care, I could not sleep. I was wearing my blue skin tight jeans and a green tank top.
ESM: Hmm. A forest-walker, ey? Like a street-walker.
I walked until I found an untouched lake, witch
ESM: A magick-obsessed forest-walker?
I was very surprise because every lake I have been to has houses, people or lights.
Elladan: Must have been very socially progressive lakes to have all that.
ESM: What in the world would a lake need with houses?
Elrohir: ::shrugs:: Fashion statement.
I looked around for a bit
ESM: (narrator) But I couldn't find one so I threw away the drill.
and sat down on an old log.
Elladan: (as log) OooWieee...you're heavy! Think I'm cracking.
I had this feeling that something or someone was watching me,
ESM: Parannoid psychopath.
so I got up and walked away from the old log.
Elladan: (as log) What relief! Phew!
I heard a stick snap in two, I breathed in deep
ESM: Careful of the noxious fumes released from the snapped twig!
Elrohir: What noxious fumes?
ESM: ::sneezes::
. I was scared, very scared.
Elrohir: Very, very scared.
But I did wanted to know what or who was making sticks snap into two,
Elladan: ::triumphantly:: It was a Stick-Snapper!
ESM: Is that a What or a Who?
Elladan: Uhhh.
I turned around and came face to face with an arrow
Elrohir: You learn something new every day. Who knew arrows had faces?
and a guy pointing his weapons at me. I looked at him very scared out of my mind!
Elladan: My vote is for Department of Redundancy Department.
I wonder if I am in Middle-Earth, because this guy or elf looks like Legolas or Orlando Bloom in 'Lord of the Rings' but that is not real!?! Is it? Naaa!
Elladan: ::sniffing disdainfully:: Orlando Bloom!
ESM: Curious how she says that second part. This guy or elf looks like Legolas or Orlando...so Legolas is a guy and Orlando is an Elf?
Elrohir: Essie, is Lord of the Rings real?
ESM: Naaa...it's all fake. I thought you knew that.
Elladan: I'm feeling very counterfeit right now.
I thought to myself.
"Who are you? And Where do you come from!?!" he said almost shouted at me.
ESM: I bet he shouted, what with the extra punctuation marks.
"My name is Brittani Humula L.
Elrohir: I always wanted a last name that consisted of just one letter.
ESM: Who would name their kid 'Humula'?
and I come from the United States of America!!"
ESM: Yeah, well I vote Superemphasis!!. com.
I said right back to him.
"I have never heard United States of America
ESM: Don't think I have either...is it some sort of song?
but I do know that you are not from here. Do you have any weapons?"
Elrohir: (BHL) Just my dorkiness.
ESM: Hey, don't dis dorks!
Elrohir: Oh yeah, forgot, YOU'RE a dork too.
he said in a more gentle sweet but searuis tone.
Elladan: Searius...like a flank steak?
ESM: Naa, barbeque.
"No I don't but I do know your name." I said in my sweet tone of voice.
ESM: Lot of sweet tones going on here. Think they're trying to pick each other up?
Twins: ::grin::
"Then if you know my name then what is it?" he asked me
Elladan: (Legolas) Cuz, ya know, I forgot it.
"You are Prince Legolas Green leaves or Greenleaf of Mirkwood.
Elrohir: Just pick one, please. And it's Greenleaf.
Elladan: And Legolas is the same as Greenleaf.
You are an elf that lives in Middle-Earth and in Mirkwood.
ESM: Am I mistaken in thinking that Mirkwood is in Mddle-Earth? Why does she make it sound like he lives on two different planets?
You are 2931 years old."
Elrohir: (Legolas) Really? I'd lost track centuries ago. Thanks for telling me.
I said and his mouth dropped to the floor because,
Elladan: Because there wasn't anything to catch it before it hit the floor.
ESM: DUH.
I knew that much about him
ESM: Yes, that was quite a lot.
and he was shocked as ever.
Elrohir: (Legolas, shocked) I have a stalker!?!?!?!?!
"And are you going to put your bow and arrow away?" I asked him, he put his bow away
Elladan: (BHL) After he shot me, of course.
and looked at me with awe "WHAT?!?!" I asked in an irritated way.
ESM: Department of Redundancy Department, 1, Superemphasis!!. com, 2. I'm winning, Elladan.
Elladan: We'll see.
"It is just that you are a stranger to me and you know who I am. I really do not know who you are except your name and where you are from."
Elrohir: He's actually pretty lucky. Not everybody knows that much about their stalkers.
He said, I was like wow.
ESM: And I was like bow.
"Well I do come from a world that is only run by man and man only!
ESM: Superemphasis!! .com, 3.
Elladan: Department of Redundancy Department, 2.
Not trying to through you off
Elladan: WHAT does that mean?
but can I see your ears?
Elrohir: (Legolas) I dunno. Can you?
I just want to
ESM: because I'm a pervert who has a thing for ears.
make sure that I know I am in Middle-Earth
ESM: (helpfully) Pinch yourself.
Elladan: That is SO cliche, Essie.
and you are not a teenage guy trying to have sex with me."
Elrohir: Conceited wretch.
ESM: Told ya she was parannoid.
Elladan: I wasn't aware 2000 year old Elves resembled American teenage guys that closely.
ESM: Sues are quite stupid.
Elrohir: ::looks at ESM pityingly::
I said and walked up to him and tucked his hair behind his pointed ear, I jumped away and looked at him with surprise.
Elrohir: (BHL) Oh my goodness! Your pointed ear is blue and purple!
"Now you know, I will not hurt you I promises.
ESM: Yes, we promises, precious. gollum, gollum.
Elladan: Creep.
Come on lets walk to my horse that way we can get back to Rivendell."
ESM: No, that way you can get back to your horse.
He said as he walked away, I walked after him very quite and scared.
ESM: No comment.
I still don't believe him or this place.
Elladan: And so remind me why you are following somebody you don't trust?
Not until we get to "Rivendell"
ESM: Blessed are they who have not seen, yet believe.
I thought to myself as a buckskin horse was standing next to a cliff.
Elladan: ::nods:: That's a smart place to leave a horse.
I felt my knees buckle as I looked over the edge. Legolas helped me up as I almost fell over the saddle and almost over the cliff!
Elladan: It's not, ESM. It's not.
ESM: ::pouts:: Fine. But it's still 3 to 1.
"Do not look down milady or you will fall and I really do not want that to happen to you."
Elrohir: Now I see why she doesn't trust him. Of course he wants to toss her over the cliff.
He said in a very gentle voice. "Yeah, yeah I will keep that in mind. But where I come from once you say that it only makes the person look anyway.
ESM: And where is that place you come from, Planet of the Dorks?
But I will look ahead and thank you." I said he smiled and his horse came over.
All: Huh?
ESM: Wasn't she just getting on the horse?
Elladan: I'm really confused.
ESM: Well, it's over.
ELrohir: Good. Clam chowder, here I come!
::Elrohir dashes out. ESM and Elladan sit a while longer.::
ESM: Superemphasis!!. com won.
Elladan: Yes. Not enough people nowadays are intelligent enough to repeat things redundantly.
ESM: Was there anything good about this fic?
Elladan: Well, let's see. Grammar?
ESM: Awful.
Elladan: Spelling?
ESM: Not too good.
Elladan: Plot?
ESM: It was only the first chapter, but it didn't seem to have much purpose. So, none.
Elladan: Believable characters?
ESM: Absolutely not.
Elladan: Originality of premise?
ESM: Oldest trick in the fanfiction book.
Elladan: Significant vocabulary?
ESM: No.
Elladan: Knowlege of canon?
ESM: Low.
Elladan: Amusement?
ESM: Pretty low, even for an MSTer.
Elladan: Well, there's your answer.
ESM: ::sigh:: That's pretty sad. Let's go have some clam chowder.