LilPrincesss (underlined) to StormAngel (italics) to LilPrincess (hyphens) to Essie and Legolas (bold)! In other words, this is the third degree of the MSTing around this story. Comrades, welcome to the MST wars!

(In Essie's high-tech Mystery Science Theater, a certain Legolas and Essie are settling into their usual seats in the middle of the theater and waiting for the godawful fanfic to roll. The Elf, however, is being a bit...stubborn.)

Legolas: You said I didn't have to do the next one.
Essie: But...but...this one isn't even about LOTR! I'm just trying to show you how bad the fics could really be. I only pick the nice ones.
Legolas: Oh, alright. But you still owe me one.
Essie: One what?
Legolas: Tell you later.

-Well stormangel has msted 2 of my fics so I am goin to mst this mst of my sotry.-

Essie: I wouldn't be offended if someone MSTed my sotry.
Legolas: What IS a sotry?
Essie: I dunno.

-I am in da �these-!!!!!!-

Legolas: Da these? That makes no sense.
Essie: I want to say it's redundant, but it isn't, quite.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone. This isn't true. I don't own this plot; I'm just making fun of it.

Legolas: Ditto.

And if this was mine, I'd be too embarrassed to tell you.

Essie: Our feelings exactly.

Original title: Lifesaver
Originally by: LilPrincess
Found at: http:www.fandomination. net/?modefanfic&FanficID107209

I wasn't actually planning on writing anything, but I found this and I just had to.

Legolas: What, obsessive compulsive?
Essie: (gleefully) Like me!

And yes, my comments will be found in the bold brackets.

Essie: Actually, they'll be found in italics.
Legolas: because we're doing the formatting here, not you! Bwahahaha!
Essie: I think my insanity is contagious.

Well...here's another stori for u

Who's "u"? Anyone I know?

all!!! :)

Is "all" u's last name? U all. . . Oh wait, I get it! You mean. . . "you all", right?

Essie: Yeah...if that's the best you can do just skip it.

I think i did veryt

You did veryt? Well, that sounds great! I just wish you could learn how to capitalize "I" too.

Legolas: Yeah, at least with some consistency.
Essie: I hate to be a cynic-
Legolas: No, you don't.
Essie: But I tend to think these authors hit the shift button by accident rather than with any care for standard grammar.

good on it

I can't agree with you on that one.

Essie: Ditto.

and made it very discriptive!!!

But darling, that doesn't matter if the whole story sucks.

Legolas: Good point, er, StormAngel!
Essie: It was not, in fact, very descriptive except where the Sue's clothes, piercings, accessories and tattoos were concerned.

it has sum

41

Essie: I hate that band. Then again I hate Good Charlotte, too.

in it, but only Deryck cause he's the only hot one. Also, he's the lead singer and everyone has a crush on the lead singer.

Essie: Someone should research that phenomenon. Care to donate?

-deryck iz not in my stori. And I hav a crush on CONE!-

Essie: I still haven't been able to figure out WHY people insist on having the SAME number of letters in the word, but the wrong letters. Iz? Stori?
Legolas: Why would you have a crush on a cone?
Essie: ::doubtfully:: Maybe it's some kind of ice cream...

action in it as well as drama and a lil bit of romance!!!

I don't doubt that. Remember, this is the girl who used the word "romantic" six times in her last fic.

-whats ur pointe?-

Essie: I think it's that you tend to have ALOT of romance in your fics, not "a lil bit". I think.

Disclaimer: Dont own any1

Who's this "any1" you speak of?

-...-

Legolas: I agree!

cept

That's an unusual name.

Legolas: How'd you figure out it was a name? Just curious.

Jack and Kailen!!!!!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Five exclamation marks were used to make us understand that the author owns Jack and Kailen.

-so?-

Essie: Well, who can blame her? She probably doesn't even own an A on her report card.
Legolas: Undoubtedly. She probably doesn't even have a report card. Dropped out in third grade. Judging by the grammar anyway.
Essie: You should really be careful of your own grammar.

which means

that you use far too many exclamation marks.

i dun't

Yeah, sure.

own Benji and this story nevar

Are you speaking some kind of made-up language?

-NO!-

Legolas: Could'ave fooled me.
Essie: ::smugly:: Naa, she wasn't speaking a made-up language...but she was writing it!

happened IRL!

I believe you.

-good for u-

Essie: Oh, look, they're getting to be friends! In fact, if those letters up there weren't jumbled I'd say they were 'Interested in Long Relationship'.
Legolas: You're silly.

This fic is frum

So this is a frum fic? That's great.

Essie: If only 'frum' were in the dictionary, I could figure out what a frum fic IS for you, Legolas!
Legolas: We can bemoan it in ignorance, then.
Essie: o.O

Kailen's pov!

Look, if you're a decent writer, you will be able to write in a way so people will understand whose POV it is. But wait! This ISN'T a decent writer! Sorry, my bad.

-ummm...i wuz saying so evry1 would know right away!-

Essie: What, no suspense?

lifeSaver

That's the title, right?

-duhhhh-

Legolas: It's not as Duh as you think, Princess.
Essie: Especially since the wrong letter is capitalized. Dude, there is something wrong with my spacebar...

I woke up one morning and noticed that

my face was green.

I felt steange

I feel your pain.

Essie: For some reason I always associate that line with President Clinton.::makes sour face::

. so I went to tha

Tha? Who's that? Some weird extra, I bet.

Legolas: Actually it's a phonetical spelling of a corruption of an English article.

docotr

I don't think I've ever seen a docotr. . . Please, describe this for me!

-he wears a white coat and a stethascpoe, duh. No woner u are so mean! u never went to a doctor!-

Essie: She never said she had never gone to a doctor, she said she had never seen a docotr!
Legolas: I've never seen a stethascpoe, either.
Essie: No. You haven't. Ha, and I love how if I put on a white coat and a stethascpoe, I'll automatically be a doctor!
Legolas: And also how if you've never visited a doctor, you're automatically mean!

and he told me that I was pregenat

Essie: She just went to see a docotr and he randomly declares she is pregenat.
Legolas: Randomly, eh? Must be your kind of docotr.
Essie: ::grins::

and that it was just normal to be green in the face.

-that's not in da story-

Essie: Well, sometimes MiSTers come up with their own side-stories. It helps to make it more interesting when the story is boring...like this...

! I was very excited

because nobody I knew was green.

-SHE IS NOT GREEN-

Essie: So...she's Democrat?

. I couldn't wait to tell Jack.

Somehow I doubt that you'll have to tell him that your face is green. I think he'll discover it all by himself.

Jack is my husband by the way.

"Jack is my husband by the way"? As in "Jack is my husband, but he's not important in this story because he never got properly introduced"?

-I wuz tellin the readerz that jack is Kailen's huband. is called discription-

Legolas: I'm not too sure about that. It was pretty lame for a 'description', but I'm not sure it was a 'discription'.

The next moning, I

noticed that my face was blue.

Weok

Word.

Legolas: Eh? Where did that come from?

-woke, actualy. Typo-

Essie: Oh, of course. It would help if the MST was not one big 'typo' too.

up and ran downstairs. Jack was there

and he was red!

-no-

Essie: Not a Communist? Darn. I was gonna start cracking Red jokes.
Legolas: You know Red jokes?
Essie: Erm, well, no. What are Red jokes?
Legolas: Somebody please tell me why I am allowing myself to be trapped in the same room as this schiz!

! He was making pancakes and he said "Hi Hunny."

So your name is Hunny? Great, we got that sorted out. I've wanted to know that for a long time now.

-uhhh. if u payed attention to the discliamer, u would kno that her name wuz Kailen!-

Essie: Sorry. We were a bit distracted by all your 'typos'.
Legolas: Did she say something?

and kisses me on my lips

Legolas: While I whimsically change tenses...

and they are purple

Essie: I'm beginning to think somebody has either been painting the house all sorts of exotic colors or been having a field day with the white elephant makeup gift bags.
Legolas: Maybe they're just Halloween make up bags.
Essie: Possibly.

and I say "Hi Jack. Guess wat?

I didn't pass school. I can't spell for shit."

Legolas: I wouldn't want to spell for shit, either.
Essie: How about Ice Cream?
Legolas: Or simply respect from other intelligent human beings.

" "Wut?" he says smileing.

Something tells me Jack didn't pass school either. . . Do you feel the same?

Essie: (monotone) Do not pass school, do not collect human respect.

"Well...you beetter

Someone in here skipped all her English classes.

sit down for this." Jack sat in a chair and I said "Jack...I'm...

blue!"

Legolas: And Jack was utterly confused because he wasn't sure if blue this year meant Democrat or Republican.
Esie: Or if his wife was merely quoting a Frank Sinatra song.

Pregenat." I smiled and jumped up and down happiyl

and hurt my foot, which was pink, because I was too happiyl.

-no-

Legolas: Should you be jumping up and down when you're 'pregenat'?
Essie: I don't know. I don't know the ramifications of being 'pregenat'.

. Jack did not react the same as me. "Wtf?!

He just screamed those three letters out? "Wtf?" as in "Wee-tee-eff"? (I'm from Sweden; I might not pronounce the letters in the same way as you do.

Essie: ::intrigued:: Actually, no you don't. American pronounciation of those letters would sound much more awkward, namely, "double-you-tee-eff".

Shut up.)

Legolas: ::meekly:: All right!

-no. that would sound so stupid!-

Essie: Then, um, don't write it like that!
Legolas: Duh.

Kaelin

your name was spelled "Kailen" in the disclaimer!

, you ca'nt

put the apostrophe there!"

-so???-

Essie: No comment.

be pregenat. We just git

What?

-got-

Legolas: I feel so enlightened. That word was just driving me up the wall. Thanks for telling me.

married three weeks ago!"

Have you two ever heard about something called a condom? I'm starting to doubt if you ever went to school. . . I mean, biology might suck, but everyone I know loved the sex-bit.

Legolas: Uhm, StormAngel, why are you talking to the characters in the story?

-uhhhhhh. condoms can break u know-

Essie: ::whimpers::

His face frowned.

Legolas: Yes, normally it IS the face that frowns...

"i guess you're gonna have to get an abortoin."

And you married this shithead, Kaelin? Fuck, you're dumb.

"What?! JACK NO! THE BABY HAS EVERY ERIGHT TO LIVE AS YOU DO!" I screamed!!!

AND I WAS SOOOOOOOOOO MAD AND COULDN'T TAKE OFF CAPS LOCK!!!!!!! As me: You use too many exclamation marks.

Legolas: Yes. I would feel the same way.
Essie: What exactly is an 'eright'? And it's usually preferable to elaborate on your character's feelings with words, not punctuation marks.

-i was showin Kailen's expression-

Essie: Now, dear, this is where some REAL description would come in handy. Instead of forcing your readers to work harder by having to read all those caps, why don't you explain that Kaelin was very excited, angry, surprised, et cetera?

"No! we're not readt!" jack yelled.

But nobody understood what he was saying, so Kaelin kept the baby. And I'm a bit confused. Where does this "jack" come from? I only know about some guy named "Jack".

Essie: And really that much about him.

"I'm not giving up my baby Jack!" I yelled.

You yell too much.

Essie: Wonder if this situation calls for the silent treatment then?

"Yes you are! or your

You're.

gonna get out of my haouse!"

Your what?

Jack yelled.

And here we go again. . .

"No!" I scream!

Oh, finally some changes. OK, so "scream" and "yell" are almost the same things, but hey! It's another word.

"FRine!!"

This is some new kind of word, I don't know what it means. So I'm just gonna skip this for now.

Jack yeleed.

See? Change is good. I don't know what "yeleed" is, but it's not "yelled", so I'm happy.

Legolas: Pretty easy to please, I guess.

He stomped up the stairs and cames down with his rifl,e.

I seriously doubt that "rifl,e" is a word. I guess you ARE speaking some made-up language.

-a rifle is a gun, duh-

Essie: Aye, but is a rifl,e a gun? Answer me that.

"Either you leve

Who's "leve"?

or I kill yu."

Essie: Do they live in Texas?

Aha, I see. "leve" and "yu" are extras who will be in this scene and never show up again. I get it.

-they r typoes!!!!!!!!!! every1 makes typoes!!-

Legolas: ::darkly:: Yes. But not everyone makes as many as you do.

Jack threatened. "No, Jack!" i cry, tearfully. I am crying now becuz I

can't use the shift key. And you can't spell, or write. So yeah, I think you should be crying.

thought my hjusband would be happy for us.

Maybe your husband is nicer? You should really stay with one man. It's easier.

"Jack...we can be a hapy

Whatever that is, I don't want to know.

-happy duh-

Essie: Duh.
Legolas: Duh.
Essie: Duh's a fun wor�um, I mean, expression.

family..." a tear falls on the floor from me

Legolas: (Kaelin) It is a present. Merry Christmas, floor!

because you just turned into a fountain. Oh, I hate when that happens.

-no, she started crying and tears fell out of her eyes-

Legolas: Normally that IS how people cry.
Essie: Indeed.

. I dropped to my knees and held my bellie.

The wisest thing to do in this situation is to kick Jack and run.

Legolas: ::grinning:: Maybe she can't run because she's "pregenat" and feeling "steange".

"Don't do this Jack." I cry. "Don't do this Jak."

Jak? Is that Jack's twin brother? And what's he doing in this?

-Jack doesn't have a bvrother, actually-

Essie: Oh. Thanks for telling us. But that still doesn't solve the problem of Jack's BROTHER.

I repeated and looked at him in the eyes. :

I have no clue what that's doing here.

Legolas: A smiley gone wrong?
Essie: Secret coding. These stories are actually messages from one terrorist cell to another, cleverly disguised as just another asinine teeny band fanfic.
Legolas: I think you've watched too many conspiracy theory programs.

"Kaelin I can't do this!"

Legolas: (Kaelin) What?
Essie: (Jack) Tie my shoe!
Legolas: (Kaelin) Eh, neither can I. That's why I always wear flipflops.

Then don't. Kill yourself if nothing else shows up.

Legolas: Like a lost moose?

Jack aimed his rifle.

Essie: He'd get his wife that prize stuffed doll from the shooting range at the circus if it was the last thing he did.

But last time I checked, he had a "rifl,e"! This isn't making any sense.

-maybe u should pay attention-

Essie: ::frantically:: Can't! Can't Can't Can't! There are too many typos!
Legolas: Aww, now look what you've done. She'll need extra meds today.

"I am sorry Kaelin but you leave me no choice..."

Legolas: (Jack) You keep hogging all the choices to yourself, you selfish brat!

This is too lame.

Essie: I know. But it's the logical train of events. Once unborn kids aren't worth anything, what makes the Mom worth anything?

He shot the rifle

Essie: with his pistol and it was ruined.

and I dived out the way.

I always wanted to be a dolphin when I was a kid.

-pplz cAN dive.-

Legolas: Yay, more random information.

The bullet went through the window and cracked the glass.

I think that's pretty logical.

Suddenyl, the door slammed open!

It did it all by itself? Wow, I want that door! (If you read Lilprincess' fic "Benjis Love", you'll notice that there is a magical door there too. She does seem to have a thing for doors that can open on its own.)

Legolas: The pervert.

-Benji slammed the door open,-

Essie: Shhh! Don't spoil the surprise!

A

blue

man with

yellow socks

spikey black hair and sum

41's singer Deryck under his left arm

-DERYCK IS NOT IN THIS STORII!!-

Legolas: You want a sedative with that?

piercings burst in. H

and

e

Essie: All right, you two lost me there...

were all lonely in this fic. I feel their pain too.

took one look at Jack and he knew what happened exactly.

Legolas: Only he didn't.

As the blue man with spiked hair and yellow socks: Aha, you're having a party! I'm colored too! Let's dance!
As Deryck: Let me down!
As Jack: WTF? (He said this as "Wee-tee-eff", and not "what the fuck?")
As the blue man with spiked hair and yellow socks: Oh, I love you, Deryck! makes out with the man under his arm
As Derryck: But I don't -
As Jack: WTF?
As Deryck: Hey, I think I love you, Mr. I-am-blue-and-have-spiked-hair-and-yellow-socks.
As the blue man with spiked hair and yellow socks: Let's get married!
As Jack: WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? HELP ME TAKE OFF CAPS LOCK!
So the blue man with spiked hair and yellow socks and Deryck ran out of this story and never returned. And I understand them.

-No-

Essie: Yes.
Legolas: Contradictory today, are we?

"Why are you trying to kill this innocnet

What? Insect?

women!?"

There are more of them? What is this, a harem?

-uhhhh.. kailen is da only girl in the stori. Can't u count?-

Essie: One, we've been busy trying to make sense out of all the typos. Two, women is plural.

he gasped.

Essie: (Jack) I wasn't trying to hurt any women! I was just doing target practice with my kitchen window. Beautiful cracking, wouldn't you say?

"Becuase

I can't spell!"

she is pregenat and won't leave my house or get rid of the babi!"

That made sense.

Legolas: See the sarcasm dripping like honey from a honeycomb!
Essie: Only I doubt it tastes as sweet.

Jack yelled back.

Jack needs therapy. He shouldn't yell that much. Also, being upset isn't good for the blood pressure.

-jack is mad and thats why hes yelling. Dont u yell when ur mad-

Essie: Personally, I like my fury to be cool, calm and collected. It's scarier.

"She's pretgenat?!

Legolas: I don't think so. The docotr said she was pregenat.
Essie: Although, I'm sure the docotr could have been wrong...

So it would seem.

You should never hurt a pregenat woman!"

Aha! At least one person here went to the biology lessons.

-see?-

Legolas: Nooo...see what?

the man yelled and karate kicked the rifle out of Jack's hand

because he had watched "Karate Kid" too many times.

Essie: Unless he'd been watching alot of Jacky Chan and just didn't know what else to call the kicks...

. "HEY! I'LL GET YOU

A NEW MOVIE IF YOU HELP ME TAKE OFF CAPS LOCK!"

-he dont wanna movie-

Essie: Why not? Everybody likes a new movie.
Legolas: ::shudders:: Except when they produce more rabid fangirls.

FOR THIS!" Jack hollared. "No! Cmon, girl." he

Who is this he we're speaking of?

-duh. it's BENJI-

Legolas: Yeah. How could anybody be so dense? Of course it's BENJI who has to come to the rescue.

grabbed my hand and we RAN

Any reason to why "ran" is capitalized?

-emphasis!!!!-

Essie: Oh. My Gosh.
Legolas: She spelled emphasis!

out of Jack's house. The man put me in his car

Legolas: Aha! Now I've got you. You're wanted for treason back in Lichenland!
Essie: Where?
Legolas: Uhm. Lichenland?
Essie: o.O

and raped you! ::gasp::

-no he's nice...unlike u-

Essie: Bwahahaha

. Then suddenly Jack's door opened and Jack had his rifle again so the man dived into his car

because he also wanted to be a dolphin as a kid.

Legolas: Ah, at least the pair have something in common!

-no-

Essie: Why not? I wanted to be a dolphin as a kid. Or at least a dolphin trainer.

too and we drove away, leafing

That sounds scary.

Jack in the middle of the road.

Essie: With his broken rifle.
Legolas: He was later run over by a speeding teen in a Mercedes-Benz.

To this very day i

can still not understand why I capitalized "ran", but not "I".

still dunno

why the hell I wrote this shit.

what happened to Jack.

And you care, because. . .?

-becuz she wonders what happend to him...he is tha father of her BABY-

Legolas: Are you sure?
Essie: ::in mock horror:: Legolas! Don't be so nasty.

I am now married to Benji

I hope he's nicer than Jack.

-DUH-

Essie: Umm, aren't you supposed to get a divorce first? In which case you WOULD know something about what happened to Jack?

(he's the man who saved my life).

Oh, good thing that you told me. Cause, you know, I didn't see this coming. Not at all. . . ::coughs::

Legolas: ::hands StormAngel a coughdrop::

I had my baby and she was a girl.

Yes, when it's a she, it's mostly a girl.

Her name is Zoey Lee Madden

and she is brown.

-no-

Legolas: Must be red then. Communist. Runs in the family.

. We are the happy fami;

Why are you including these things?

ly I always dreamed of having.

But most of all, I wanted to be a dolphin.

-no she didnt. I didn't put that in tha stori-

Essie: it's only an MST, Princess. Cool off.

I realized that Jack was not my soul mate

No shit?

and that Benji was. We are a happy couple.

That was unexpected.

Life is good. i

still can't capitalize.

found out that Benji is in a band called Good Charlotte.

WHAT? Are you kidding me? ::gasp:: I didn't know!

On their newest c.d.

It's called CD.

-thats what i said-

Essie: Not quite.

, me and Benji

Benji and I.

do a duet. It's called "love at first shot" and it

was very bad, because I can't sing for shit.

is about how we met. The public doesn't believe it's tru

I understand them. And after all, this never happened IRL, right?

, btu

Spell check is your friend.

we know it is and that is all that mattres.

Yes, yes, very cute, but learn how to spell.

The End

YAY!

-yay that ur mst is over!!-

Essie: But mine is not! Bwahahahaha!
Legolas: Essie?
Essie: What?
Legolas: It's over.
Essie: Oh. Bye everyone!

Katie xox