As time goes by�the fundamental things apply�
Looking back I can see that when you get right down to it that�s all that really matters in life.
So, where do I begin.........it was a dark and stormy night....nah, been done.
How about...... once upon a time, long ago and far away.....lol....that's it!
Once upon a time, long ago and far away there was a little girl who couldn't understand why she couldn't keep up with the other children. She couldn't run as far or as fast, the idea of doing a cartwheel was totally beyond her and sometimes she got confused about what she was saying or doing. She found she was always achy and sore so finally her mother took her to a doctor but all to no avail.
Each doctor had a different idea, but eventually they were each proven wrong. It was finally decided she was probably just looking for attention and most likely just a tad lazy.
My first visit to a doctor regarding my pain was when I was in the fourth grade. I had been complaining for years about being tired and achy all the time. This brilliant physician, without the aid of a single x-ray mind you, diagnosed me with curvature of the spine. That's why they call what doctors do practice.....this one obviously hadn't gotten it right yet! His was the first of a myriad of mis-diagnosis!
The "mystery illness� affected every aspect of my life. It got so a part of me believed the doctors�I was just lazy and perhaps somehow it was all �just in my head�. A very scary and confusing time for a kid!
The pain�I could deal with that but it was something else that got me down�the confusion. Many years later I discovered it was nicknamed �brain fog��a very apt name because that is exactly how it felt. All would be fine then a fog would settle over me and I just couldn�t concentrate, couldn�t think straight. The simplest concepts were beyond me, then just as suddenly it would disappear almost as if a wind had blown the fog away.
I�m sure�no, I know I came across like the proverbial space cadet!
Let�s throw school into the mix�oh yeah, that was a REAL treat!
The teachers could not understand why, on some days, I would score in the eighties and nineties and on other's.....well, to be frank......I scored as low as the thirties. They told my folks I understood the work and was usually a good student but I was just not "applying" myself. Boy I got to hate that word! As if I would wake up on any given morning and chose to fail a test!!!
By the time I was in high school it was really serious, I�m sure teachers, friends and family alike attributed my behaviour to �recreational stimulants� (wink wink) yes I did �imbibe�, hell it was the 70's...who didn't?!? Finally I just couldn't take it anymore, I knew I wasn't stupid but no matter how hard I worked I just couldn't make the grade (pun intended!)and I dropped out in my final year.
So what did I do after my stellar performance as a student you ask? Read on..lol!
CHAPTER TWO......
THE MARRIAGE
At the ripe old age of 18 I did something brilliant. I got married! Well, let me tell you, that was a rip roaring success!
To give the poor guy credit, he had no idea what he had gotten into. Here was a woman (child actually) who could not work, tired easily, constantly complained about being sore and to top it all off, some days she was a card carrying space cadet. Now there's a club with a lot of members....lol.
Anyway, the doctors could not find a thing wrong with her, so his natural assumption was that she was a lazy hypochondriac and not the brightest bulb in the string!
Again, a terribly confusing time for me! I knew I wasn�t stupid, wasn�t lazy and I bloody well knew I was no hypochondriac! The question that plagued me was, �what was I�? Secretly I thought I was crazy, why else would I be this way? Why would I have so many psychosomatic symptoms if there wasn�t something wrong with me mentally??
The relationship just went from bad to worse!
In 1979, a few months after the birth of our daughter, a young doctor, just out of medical school, finally told me what was wrong, (and people wonder why I am such a fan of continuing education�lol) he told me I had something called Fibrocitis. I cheerfully thumbed my nose at the world. "See, I told you I was sick!!"
Unfortunately the damage was done and a few short years later the marriage ended. Trust me when I say it was the best thing for all concerned. Vic and I are still great friends today, anyway...lol... there I was, a young single mom with a 3 year old daughter and no means of support.
I tried to find work but my health problems were against me....who would hire someone who never stayed at one job for more that a few months.
Great resume!
In walks the welfare system!
I decided going to school might be the answer. So I packed a lunch and off to secretarial school I went.....for 2 whole months....lol. The pain levels increased exponentially�continue classes??? Hell I got to the point where breathing was barely an option! I can remember laying a garbage bag on the floor, covering it with ice, then with a towel and laying on it in an attempt to numb the pain! As for the �fog��rotfl�I could barely remember where the school was let alone what I was studying!
My doctor sent me to a rhuematologist and this healer of mankind informed me it was only going to get worse and I would eventually end up in a wheelchair, unable to even care for myself.
Please pardon my tangent, but it's necessary...lol. The weekend before I started school I met a wonderful man. When I got this incredibly uplifting diagnosis from the rhuematologist I did everything in my power to break it off with him, but he would have none of it.
With Dean in my corner I decided.....WHAT THE HELL! The doctor had told me the most important thing I could do was take it easy and not do too much. Screw that! If I was going to eventually end up in a wheelchair I was going to enjoy life before hand.
I took up horseback riding again and cross country skiing. I basically did whatever my heart desired.
Did I hurt?
Hell yes!
Was it worth it?
Every damn minute!
But the lifestyle was taking it's toll. I would go out and enjoy myself and worry about it the next day. The Fibrocitis was getting worse with each passing month and I ended taking various prescription medications�not a good thing as I had a strange sensitivity to them, the tiniest dosage and I became a bit player from a B grade zombie movie! And forget working, the longest I ever lasted on any job was six weeks! The pain would become intolerable and it would be back to the �garbage bag and ice� routine! I would lay back and do nothing and eventually would be back on my feet again. That was a vicious cycle....work, pain, heal, work, pain, heal......and so on.
Dean put a stop to that....lol....after 3 years of living together I finally consented to marry him. I had been hesitant because I knew the toll Fibrocitis could put on a marriage, but he had convinced me it wouldn't be a problem in ours.....that was in October of '86 and I am pleased to announce it never was.
CHAPTER THREE......
MY SALVATION
In 1990 I went to see YET another rhuematologist. Yeah, I know, that's what I thought but this one was apparently having great success treating folks with Fibrocitis and he informed me on my very first visit that what I had was now being called Fibromyalgia. He told me there were a lot more symptoms involved then originally thought.
Okay, he had my attention.
For you see, although I had been pleased with the original diagnosis, there was a myriad of other things wrong with me that Fibrocitis didn't include.
The insomnia, mental confusion, forgetfulness, clumsiness, bowel trouble, blah, blah, blah.....all the "nonsense", was actually a part of the Fibromyalgia, not "just nerves". Once again I thumbed my nose at the world!
I felt validated! Truly sane for the first time in my life.
The FMS had been my albatross and I had finally found a way to peel the damn thing off my neck and drown the bugger once and for all.
I learned about the importance of gentle exercise. I learned about pacing, and I don't mean the floors....lol....
doing a very little bit of something everyday and slowly over a long period of time getting to an almost normal lifestyle.
Now I did say almost normal! I learned that on my really good days not to treat myself as a healthy person. To do no more on those days then I did on any other. I learned the importance of rest, not sitting back and watching the tube but going into the bedroom and laying down for 20 minutes or so 3 times a day, recharging my batteries as it were. I had always been an advocate of meditation as a way to raise the endorphins and I became a pro at it. I discovered aromatherapy. . .the healing property of the essential oils made my days
bearable and filled my nights with deep restorative sleep.
I think one of the most important things I learned was acceptance. I was sick and until they found a cause and cure, I always would be. I had to learn to accept that.
CHAPTER FOUR.......
more confusion
(I know...."it's about time!!" lol)
(This thing's so long it put the cat to sleep!!!)
Ok, now I bet you�re all thinking I must have been quite satisfied to finally have my questions answered huh?
I finally proved to the world I wasn�t nuts but actually sick!
I had fibromyalgia!
Ahem�I wasn�t quite satisfied!
Deep down in the dark recesses I still had doubts and it was only recently I�ve shown them the light of day. You see, I met, both in �life� and online, so very many people with FMS and my illness wasn�t the same as theirs.
Yes there was the pain, the �fog�, the clumsiness, the sudden inexplicable torturous spasms all over the body�spasms that hit with no rhyme nor reason I might add and of course we must not forget the bowel trouble aka Irritable Bowel Syndrome but that is something anyone can get�hell Peter has it.
Who�s Peter? More about him later�lol!
My primary doubt was caused by exhaustion, well actually it was the lack thereof!! FMS is defined by pain and exhaustion�sleeplessness or sleeping too much and awaking unrefreshed. Sleep or the lack of it was never a problem for me. What really kicked my doubts into overdrive was our home renovation. I could work for days with no problems then one day I would move a certain way and be laid up for days.
In the fall of 1996 I was in a rather nasty car accident and the only thing wrecked worse then the car was my neck! Wicked whiplash and within days my entire body was useless. The neck injury was improperly treated and became chronic and the pain traveled a cheerful path throughout most of my body!
A few years later I got myself a new doc, she informed me that I did indeed have something called Chronic Myofascial Pain, I tried to get treatment for it but nothing worked.
Ok, it�s time for yet another tangent!! LOL!!
CHAPTER FIVE.......
My life today
My marriage to Dean did eventually end, not due to the CMP/FMS, well not directly I suppose. As the years went by I would have to say I changed�drastically. Where I was once a stereotypical type �A� personality . . . hmm
. . .well, let�s just say I�m a little farther down the alphabet these days. I�m not the fiery go-getter I once was, driving myself to total collapse, now I am content to sit by the fire, take walks along the beach and of course, there�s my writing. Writing has always been my escape from the worries of life.
No, I�m not the person I once was, I think I am a better person, truly content. I found a niche in life. I learned to live again.
The split with Dean was not a bad thing, we talk constantly, confide in one another, go to each other with our worries, share our plans. You see, at the base of our relationship was a deep true friendship and we have been fortunate enough to be able to see past the failed marriage and recognize the importance of maintaining that friendship.
Hell we even played cupid for one another�lol. I helped him get set up with a reputable online dating service where he met a wonderful woman who is just perfect for him. They were married in November of 2000.
And Dean�well he got me thinking about something. I had this very dear friend (the infamous Peter I mentioned earlier...take a bow Peter) I�d met on ICQ back in the summer of 1998. He�s from Australia and had been to visit a couple of times�to make a long story short (yeah I know�too late) he and I tried a six month �give it a go� starting in May 2000 and frankly�it worked out pretty damn great!
My daughter also met an aussie chap on her travels thru Europe, fell in love, married and now have a son, who just happens to be the apple of his �nana�s� eye�lol. We all discussed the situation�the original plan was for the �guys� to immigrate permanently to Canada�we figured ah what the hell!!
In late October of 2001 I packed up lock, stock and 5 cats and am now living in Australia. My daughter and her family packed up and moved here as well the following January. We have settled in different areas of the country but have no regrets about our move!
Ok, now back to the CMP/FMS!
I discovered a brilliant book entitled, �The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook� by Clair Davies. CMP is all about trigger points�or TrPs�they are in the muscle tissue and cause severe referred pain to other areas of the body. It�s simply the referred pain that causes the problem! Doctors and therapists naturally treat the area that is painful while all the time the culprit is hiding somewhere else.
I made it my mission in life to learn all I could about these TrPs�where they�re hiding and how to �deactivate� them�and well to make a VERY LONG story short most of my symptoms have disappeared!!!!!
I am by no way saying I am painfree!! But my life has become much more active and the TrPs do flare up now and then but instead of being laid up for weeks at a time it�s a matter of a couple of days of trigger point massage and I�m back to life again.
And no I�m not a �normal� person�what ever that is�but I am functioning at a much higher level then I ever have before!
The �fog�? It still blows in occasionally but to be honest I think with me it is more pain related then anything else�when the pain levels are down it�s �clear skies� for me�lol!
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY
Eventho there are times that are as grim as the average politician�s heart, in a bizarre way I have discovered many 'silver linings' around the dark clouds of chronic pain.
it taught me many things, it taught me to never judge other people, it taught me strength and it gave me one hell of a sense of humour. The more I hurt the harder I laugh!
It caused me to be a bit of an outsider and through that I developed a love of literature and music. I developed my writing skills and to this day love to write. I learned to be a listener and a thinker. Because of it I have become someone other people turn to in times of trouble or just for a shoulder to cry on.
Don't get me wrong, if I could get rid of it and be a "normal" person, I would do it in a New York minute. But because I can't I will do my damnedest to be the best person I can be.
And if you know of a better goal in life, fire away!
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