I have to end it Paul. It's over. I can't bear the thought of losing you, but I can't keep this up anymore. Can't keep up lying to everyone, can't keep up the deceit�can't keep up pretending not to love you. That's the real hard part.
I watch you, and you seem so unfazed - nothing can pull down your impenetrable wall. Nothing can hurt you, or make you cry. Nothing but me.
How can I affect you so? How come I'm the only one who can cause you such pain, make you feel such absolute despair? And why am I the only one who can fix it? The only one to bring you such unblemished bliss, such sky-soaring joy? I can't deal with it Paul. I just can't.

I wish I could stay with you Paul - I wish it so much. But I can't. Please don't hate me - you know I could never hate you, even though I know it would be so much easier. But I won't; not now, and not ever.
So I'm going to push you away - I have to! Don't you see? It's so much easier to push you away, then deal with what I'm feeling. So much easier to get you to hate me then to figure out why I don't hate you. So much easier than trying to hide my love for you.

Why do you keep coming back to me? How are you the only to see straight into my heart, and know the truth? How can you love me?
I try to be a bastard Paul. I try to make you hate me. Try to hurt you so much that you'll never forgive me, and leave me forever. I'm no good for you Paul! Why can't you see that? Without me you'd be so much happier, so much better off! If everyone else can see it, why can't you damnit?! Why do you see the good in me? And worse yet, why do you have to bring it out?

I don't trust myself around you Paul. I'm afraid that you will find out why I refuse to let you close to me. Ha. I say that as if I had a choice! As if by pretending that it hasn't happened, then it will go away. The truth is Paul, you're closer than anyone's ever been before - and will ever be again. Too close. Do you have any idea how much that terrifies me? How much I shake just at the thought of you�loving me? I can't deal! God, don't do this to me.
I can't stay. I just can't stay here anymore.

Why did you put up with me for all those years? You weren't meant to! You were supposed to leave me, like everyone else. I tried to make you see that, tried to show you why everyone left, and why you were meant to. But you refused to look - you stared right at me to my soul. And it was my fault. I knew it then, and I know it now. You were the only one who ever saw through me Paul, and how I loved you for it, yet feared it at the same time.

I hurt you Paul. So much, so often. And yet I never left you. I wonder if you ever noticed that? I made sure you were always the one to walk out on me - tried to convince myself that it was you who couldn't deal, and had to run away and hide. Tried to convince myself that it would be your fault if you never came back, just like all the others. But you always did, Paul. You always did.

Can you hear that sound? It's my heart pounding, throbbing, aching. It's so loud�will it ever be silent? Will it ever stop pining for you? Longing to feel your soul entwined with mine? Will it ever stop loving you? Will it ever stop needing your love? I ask questions that I already know the answers to.
You can't hear it Paul - you're so busy listening to my whispers, you are deaf to the thunder. But I can. I don't want to, but it's so loud. Every day I awake, hoping it won't be there any more�but it always is. And it will never change.

I'm so sorry to have to do this to you Paul. I know that no one will understand�least of all you. Yet I hope that you'll forgive me one day, and know it wasn't your fault. That I hope for most of all - that you won't blame yourself.

I watch you silently as you cry into your pillow, and I heard you whisper my name softly. Oh Pauly, I'm so sorry I had to go. So sorry that you don't see that I never left you - that I'm still here. I gently caress your check, wishing I could wipe those tears from your face. I lay next to you on the bed where I had lain so many times before, by your side where I have always been, and will always be.

Perhaps I should I have told you what I felt before I took my life. Perhaps I should have let you know that it was you, and only you that kept me going as long as I did. Perhaps I could've tried harder to be who you wanted me to be. Perhaps I should have let you have your own say. But I didn't Pauly, because I knew you would talk me out of it.
How I wanted to hold you that day you visited my grave. Wanted to dry your tears as they washed down your face, wanted to comfort you as you delicately placed a single rose on my resting-place.
You were too close to see Paul. To close to see how wrong I was for you. To close to realise you'd be better off without me. Too close to see my love for you.