Sunday night July 19th - Coed Sluggers are rolling in on a 15 game winning streak and with a overflowing sideline (moved to the parking lot side as opposed to under the tree) - Heather of first week Coed Slugger fame returned and Tammy brought out her love Mo, Commish/Tiny brought out Frank and the kids, The Wamplers had their shorter ones, The Mileys boys of multi-colored hair were in attendance, Freak brought Freak Plus, Gus brought out his parents, Mike Scott on his birthday brought lil Maverick -- it was a real family affair. Or it should have been...

Starting the game as visitors we rolled through game one with little to-do. Their pitcher aka Captain Earwax with his Lee press on moustache glared at our bench from time to time and muttered unsportsman-like garbage under his breath a bit but nothing we could not handle...I believe Panhorst may have autographed the pitcher's leg with an outside pitch but no bloodshed. The Coed Sluggers took care of business and Aja (no not AH JA - like Asia) collected her first base knock to go with countless base on balls to back up her pre-game statement that she was going to "unleash it". A couple of innings into the second contest we were trailing 5-3  after a bomb-diggity by Panhorst and then Captain Earwax lit the fuse. After Earwax started jawing with Commish about the finer points of pitching (Commish lit him up for an extra base hit to right field) then he proceeded to walk Jen Scott and he lipped off to Panhorst who was on ball duty about "What a messed up team he (Panhorst) played for". You can ask most anyone who knows me. I am as easygoing as you will find among people with a pulse. My flashpoints are personal attacks however and this jacka$$ was taking some shots at people he doesn't even know and couldn't be more off base about. The Lager Slugger family is a good group of guys and gals who good-naturedly give each other shiznit and expect it back knowing that at the end of the day it's softball where if you're really good they don't call you Cracker Jack but instead give you a t-shirt proclaiming your greatness. Apparently Captain Earwax needs one of these shirts to complete a lifelong quest. Dude I've got a whole drawer filled with such shirts - if it means that much to you I'll bring you one next time just let me know what color you prefer. Just to recap - before Evil Moustache Earwax shot off at the mouth we were trailing 5-3. After the dust settled we were up 12-5. Noteworthy in the melee was Mike Scott nearly hitting a black sedan on the outer road (Wow what a blast!) and Milo smacking a shot that rocked off the electronic reader board (time and scrolling message display) in centerfield. Also noteworthy was Captain Earwax's antics were so stupid that his first base woman walked off the field and they had to summon a lady in flip-flops to play first base for a couple of innings. An inning or so later, Captain Earwax was ejected from the park by Tim the umpire we like. A fracas ensued behind the backstop as Earwax tried to verbally assault anyone in earshot but Aja was able to corral her man to keep tempers to a simmer until the loudmouth was gone from the premises. You should know you got a problem when your own team is telling you to "Get out" and "Shut up and go home". Sunday night coed softball...seriously dude? Once he was gone the game lightened up and everyone had fun - or most everyone. Coed Sluggers notch another victory. Well done crew. 

In addition to Aja's breakout night (that girl is someone to be reckoned with), Jen Scott was on them pitches all night while directing traffic in the field, Jennnnnnn White popped some oppo action when she wasn't taunting the opposition to hit it to her, Mompler snagged a deep drive to left in addition to her hitting prowess, Chastity worked the middle of the diamond with her mighty swing and was a shutdown defender in right field, Rachel Miley walked like 10 times and complained endlessly about not getting a ball hit to her at second base but then oops'ed it when she did get one (you're still my girl Rachel!) and Dirty aka Tammy spanked some shots and did excellence glove work at first base despite her fielders not giving her much to work with in the way of throws.

The two wins were nice but I would have enjoyed them more if their pitcher hadn't made such a production of the thing. Softball is an hour at a time (give or take) where you can set aside bills, your job, car problems (good luck with that Mike Scott), sick kids and other real issues - not a meaningless contest with no stakes but personal enjoyment of friends and ridiculously nice weather. And my final parting words are to Gus...thanks for bringing out the parents and I apologize for letting that d-bag goad me into that display in front of them. Hope to see them at Turkey Bowl sometime. 

Playoffs @ The Elks - Thursday July 16th. By virtue of our regular season record we played later rather than earlier. Our first test against elimination was the team of dudes where the pitcher is the bald guy with little man syndrome. I will give them their due, they are a decently solid team but not necessarily in the vein of 'all in fun'. For us the grizzled veteran Commish was toeing the rubber (eew throw that away, that's really unsanitary, fornicating teens these days) the Sluggers collectively focused on the task at hand. The contest went back and forth with the Sluggers holding the upper-hand most of the contest but it stayed close mind you. Bombs - two to be exact off the bat of Chris Teamann (I know this is not how he spells it but I like it just the same) paced our offense until late when Freak delivered a 3-run blast to help ice the outcome. Sluggers triumph like 14-10 and advance to the championship game even with the nutsack umpire behind the plate.  In the championship game we hung with the team who smacked us up royal the previous week until the 6th inning when they unleashed some impressive hitting and the dumb-pire behind the plate acted toolish. Sluggers take second place. The score is not necessary. It really is irrelevant. Well crap on a stick if you have to have it we lost 36-16. There ya happy? If we would have rallied to win, Ode was obligated to eat some blue cotton candy that little Jon-Jon Wampler stuck to a post in the dugout. Rats I wanted to see that.

For Tuesday the 14th at Wilmore! (Ole Ole Ole Ole!) We played next to the tennis courts, also the makeshift soccer area and a handful of nature's port-a-potties (trees people, trees). In late early action (the early-early games were not played due to forfeitures of a heinous nature) - we engaged tactics with the turd brown We Got the Runs group. With the big field to play with we turned in a gem and coasted to a 20-6 victory. The assembled crowd went nuts, celebrated  and spit their sunflower seeds. Game two was like a hot air balloon that had been assaulted by a spear wielding giant leprechaun with an eye-patch who had a toothache. Oh the humanity! OK perhaps not so dramatic but in comparison to our first game's outpouring of runs - we were strug-a-ling. Strug-a-ling! We weren't scoring either. Our diehard fan base seemed peeved and I think at one point they set a homeless man on fire. It was ugly. Cartman I believe had one of the better hits in this affair and we sunk in the last inning on a couple of unfortunate errors - 8-7 the turders defeat the mighty Sluggers. I believe Ode asked "How can you win by 14 runs and turn around and lose the second game?" I'm actually paraphrasing. No one really listens to Ode to be able to quote him. But the question is valid nonetheless. HOW DAMNIT? The world will never know.

Week of July 7th (Tuesday) -- the Wilmore/Lindenwood/Lyons crew ran up the score in game one and then mixed it up and still came out ahead with another closer victory. On July 9th at the Elks -- we got pummeled but only so much as we couldn't hold our own and lost twice badly. You win some you lose some. Aint that a beotch? And for the Sunday crew...rain. BOOOOOOOO!

JULY RINGS IN FOR 2009 WITH A BANG!

OK let's just say for sake of argument that aliens from the deep reaches of outer space arrive in Memphis. And upon arrival these aliens communicate that their intentions are to travel to New York to await the baseball Mets who would be returning from a road trip. When these aliens finally are allowed to encounter the baseball Mets they become enraged because they are so far behind time in their space travels that they do not realize that Gary Carter is no longer an active player and in their rage they wish to destroy the entire Mets team. I guess our dilemma is: do we allow this to happen and should it be broadcast on regular TV or held as a pay-per-view event? Hmmm...something to ponder while waiting for the next chorus of "This is how we do it..." on the Slugger's bench. 

IF in the course of covering the Sluggers things have gotten a bit out of whack I apologize. With all the Mike Scott bombs and Ode shenanigans I have lost my way but never fear...Tuesday with come and the Sluggers will be triumphant unless a swarm of pregnant mosquitoes flies near the softball diamond and has some sort of bodily leakage to have the fields deemed impossible to play on by virtue of rule 401.1C-1Z. That rule clearly states City Trainwreck league games shall not be commenced or proceeded upon in the event a city official in their estimation may have to exert any amount of effort or judgment to allow 20 or more total participants to enjoy their right to softball unless Walgreen's is having a thrift Jell-O bake sale with proceeds directly benefiting the grandparents of adult dancers who's birthdays fall in a month starting with the letter "C". 

Commish's children are quite musical when playing ball and Commish has adapted his playing style to incorporate such morale building exercises. Gus drinks a lot of beer in the hopes of one day curing sobriety. Bo day dreams at first base of one day turning an unassisted triple play from the shortstop hole. JoJo when not changing his cell phone number or grading papers of students who have already graduated likes work on his arm slot for different throws after he made a diving attempt and is merely relaying the ball back to Commish. Cartman...is he still on the team? Cartman understands the effectiveness of excess base-running and now just skips first base altogether and heads straight for second base out of the box regardless of whether the ball is caught or not. The rest of the Tuesday guys have banded together for string quartet practice and will be going on tour once the never-ending string of rainouts is completed. Their first gig will probably be a burned out shell of a restaurant building in the Central West End for an owner who destroyed his business for the insurance money. Good luck guys and don't bend over to pick up change on the sidewalk.

The Thursday night crew is pretty much on auto-pilot after some lackluster showings in the early goings. With a dwindling number of games, we need some help from the rest of the division to catch the team with the little angry bald guy pitcher. As of last week we had matched them in number of games won, however we had two more losses so things look like we may be second banana without intervention of the softball gods or locusts or something else that would cause those stinky dudes two plus games. Milo and Mike Scott along with Commish have been hitting some bombs. Ode practices his swing mechanics at third as the grounders whiz by. Thurm with his BS little cutting the ball swing usually owns the left center gap. Freak and Bo take turns testing the opposing pitcher's reflexes. Gus again tries his best to wipe out sobriety. Jimmy D & Danny like two peas in a questionable pod - giggle and lightly slap each other on the shoulder. Jimmy does some 'D' work...some to augment his slap and run style in the batter's box. Danny after causing some mild tornadoes early in the session has picked up some thump with the bat to match the thump in the field when he over-balances and face-plants. Excellent group of guys that really take pride in ripping apart their fellow teammate in the hopes that fear of  embarrassment and shame will lead us to victory again and again. 

Sunday night coed action is where the pride and shine on the Sluggers spit-shined shoes comes from. Who'd a thunk that a bunk of inexperienced gals and a handful of drunk guys could come together after such a pitiful showing in the first game out? Chastity 'the Bomber; Ritrovato, Tammy aka Dirty, Rachel "I Aint Walkin" Wampler, Rachel the Masher Milo, Jen "Look out left side of the infield" Scott, Jenn "I like the high ones" White and Aja "I'd like to strangle my husband" Ritrovato -- have improved week after week with the lethal composite sticks. In the field our ladies are not afraid to hang in at second base on ridiculous attempts to break up double plays or snag fierce throws for bang-bang-bang-bang plays at first. Well done ladies I tip my cap to you and try not to get clocked when you are practicing your swings.

Recap action up to June 7th:

Sunday Night Coed Sluggers:

Thursday Night @ the Elks - Sluggers rock the Ball Busters in game one 25-4 and keep on rocking 28-13 in game two under the watchful eye of coach Gus and spanking bench coach Panhorst (Waldo). Everyone in the lineup collected 9.5 hits and/or walks and stroked the third base bag on the way through. Freak hit a grandslam after T-Man's 3-run blast in game one in inning one as we rolled up 8 runs in game one before an out was recorded.

Tuesday in the City League cancelled due to wet-like conditions on or near the field or the perceived threat of rain adjacent to or during the scheduled times of play within a 298 mile radius of St Louis.

Recaps up to May 24th:

Sunday Coed Sluggers have a BYE this week.

Thursday @ the Elks Team Lager Sluggers came out thumping and the offense could do no wrong railroading the hapless 1st Place Seliga Heating crew into a decisive mercy rules shortened first game 26-4. Game two as has been the Achilles heel all year long found the mighty awesome crew in blue and gold befuddled at where the offense went as the Sluggers in turn were embarrassed 13-5. This loss put Seliga in the driver's seat as far as the league #1 seed for Thursdays is concerned.

Tuesday Sluggers at Wilmore did some business capturing a pair of wins with some subs leading the way in both victories 18-5 and 13-8 respectively.

Recaps up to May 17th:

  SUNDAYS:
After suffering a crushing angst filled defeat to begin the season, the coed crew has revamped the roster and reeled off 5 consecutive victories. Fortunately no impact related injuries to report Mostly a little bruising of the psyche as Commish keeps getting robbed by girls blindly snapping the glove behind her and snagging his one-hoppers. Chastity missed the games of the 17th but has been working some smack into bench mind games. Mompler probably has been driving the ball the best of all the girls and some of the guys too and she even caught a ball tonight (May 17th 2009 around 8:15pm with several witnesses on the field). Jennnnnnnnn White has been practicing going from first to third in her base running but needs to let her rage seep out slowly when the umpire hoses her on a bad ball & strike call. Lots of fury in that one...she may destroy someone...seriously just kidding...but think about it. Commish has fell back into pitching even though it's Sunday and he released a sense of nostalgia to the field when he notched a base knock between third and shortstop with a distinct "PING"! Waldo ~Rob~ Panhorst when he is not destroying his body plays havoc with the left center fence but on this night when the coed Sluggers ran their record to 5-1 Waldo kept a mean scorebook while getting flack from Freak Plus (that's my girl!). With the Miley's unable to attend the evening activities Freak Plus and her friend Tammy "The Lefty Scoop" got in some rotatious (derived from rotating and bodacious) defensive shenanigans. MSTBWG or just Jen Scott's husband if you wish -- was absolutely disgusted after an at-bat where the ball only landed ten feet over the fence as opposed to the other moon-shots that punched right through the masses of gnats congregated on hand. Freak laid into a juicy pitch with a classic 28 oz 3DX stick for a Slam-A-Lama-Ding-Dong tater tooter! I also turned a double play in the field while playing shortstop (I was playing the position in honor of Bo). AJA...stop saying AH-JAH. I said stop saying AH-JAH. It's pronounced Aaaaa-Zha. Like the continent Asia...or the classic rock band Asia...or the female wrestler from 10 years ago Asia....AJA. Anyway Tiny's wife bats right-handed and also throws right-handed. She tends to get a little feisty and tries to blow up the pitcher every single time but at the last possible second she hears her conscience tell her: "AJA...Asia...HEY YOU! Don't do this. You hit a ball of this guy's melon even if he deserves it throwing all these high deep pitches...you will regret it. He'll just lie there in the dirt making dirt angels and Tim's (the umpire) moustache will turn white on the right side." Thank goodness she doesn't give in to her middle hitting inner demons. Jen Scott has been seen flexing her biceps on the bench in preparation of unleashing a diss so bad upon the pitcher when she finally clears that centerfield fence - one bad a$$ second base woman is all I gots to say here. Tiny has been known to take a little HGH, I do not have any proof but if you look at the pictures of him 20 years ago versus now I think it's obvious the man is on the juice. Tiny all your records are going to have an asterisk by them...we know the score. 

THURSDAYS:
After getting punked in the first two games of the year and then sitting through two weeks of inactivity -- the Sluggers rebounded for a nice pair of wins against the team of VAC-IT-ALL. We posted wins of 12-6 and 13-8. Incredible stuff let me tell you...later. Fun but serious softball on top of grass and dirt surrounded by chain link fence. The split against Antler Trucking featured a 10 run knock for us and then to us. The softball gods are a fickle bunch. 

TUESDAYS!!!!!
Top heavy roster-wise in the early scheme of things - the Tuesday squad has been put on the spot for regulars now that the 'train-wreck' city league is underway. Opening week for the Sluggers on Tuesday (May 5th - AKA Cinco de Mayo!! Bonsai!!) saw a pair of wins against Bean Counters (what kind of beans are we speaking of? Are they the musically fruit variety?). Sluggers win with Freak seeing action despite not being officially on the roster (don't tell Roger!!). First game win 16-1 and second game more of a struggle but yet another win 16-7.

In week two of live games not rained out on Tuesdays (May 12th)- Sluggers built and early 11-3 lead only to let the Bommar group back into the swing of things and Bommar eeks out a 15-14 victory. Game two played without much spark netted a 16-8 loss. Gus' managerial hot seat brought to the fore-front. We'll see how this plays out with his bullpen in shambles going forward. Cartman should get to stomp on Roger's nutsack with a golf shoe. I'm just sayin...

Thursday Sluggers Kick Off Season at The Elks

The Sluggers took the field officially for the first time in competitive form in 2009 to some early mixed results. Your starting lineup from left to right in the outfield: Johnny Wamp #5, Jimmy D, Gus and Freak. From third to first around the infield: Panhorst, JoJo, Chris T and Danny Chaplin. On the bump was #77 Commish for his ninth season and his brother Tiny was behind the plate.

The infield was like running on a memory-foam bed due to the newly laid dirt as we started things by hitting first. Even as I type this Gus is already swinging at the first pitch next week...wait back a little kid just a little. Johnny Wamp kicked things off with a long foul ball down the third base side. We were rolling for awhile until the bottom of the seventh, we were leading 13-6 and three outs away from victory number 1...that was when Seliga Heating took control of the game. Five batters into the bottom of the seventh inning the bases were clear and we had a single out to show for our efforts and Seliga had a Grand Slam. No biggie, still winning 13-10. Some more hits came down in the outfield grass and suddenly the game was tied. Not to draw this out but did anyone notice that gay Quiznos commercial that has been running almost non-stop recently? Seriously WTF? Seliga got a base hit with the winning run on second and the runner touched home ahead of the outfield throw. 14-13 Sluggers come up short.

Game two saw the Sluggers jump out to an early 6-3 lead only to be outscored over the last three innings. Sluggers drop the nightcap 18-14. There were some defensive issues and a whole lot of offensive issues for Commish to iron out in the coming weeks but despite the two losses on opening day - the team has the potential to be great once again. Missing from the team chemistry was Bo Jangles who was away tending to some personal business and we wish him well and hope to see him soon. Some interesting moments on the evening: Danny C whiffed twice I believe but made a couple of nice scoops at first base, JoJo was angling for a chest protector sponsorship in the early going at shortstop but hit a 3-run bomb in the second game to vent some aggression, Ode arrived fashionably late for game one but mashed decently after his arrival, Gus made a pretty nice over the shoulder catch in right centerfield but was seriously early off the mark in the batter's box all night, Commish was steady-eddie on the mound as usual although he did end up on his keister going for a come-backer that got through - he did manage to work into a groove with hitting the honey hole between third and short with the stick, Chris T made an absolutely stupid good play on a bad hop grounder to him at second base to nail the runner for a forceout and nearly killed the opposing shortstop with his variety of laser-like line drives, Freak (that's me) assailed their outfielders with a plethora of dying quails off of my bat but did manage to catch a couple of balls without spiking myself in the sinking turf in right field, Panhorst sprayed the diamond with hits and had to run his arse all around the bases several times which was funny but he did miss a ball at third base on his backhand side that did add to Commish's pitch count - oh well it was just one ball...just one...maybe two...wait a minute...we'll come back to this, Tiny got on base a handful of times - once beating out a bang-bang play with the first baseman...OK it was more like whiz-clank when the throw sailed over the first baseman's glove and impacted the fencing, Johnny Wamp hit a beautiful soaring bomb that hit the top of the telephone pole in left field...for an over-the-fence out since we had used them all up but on the basepaths he still picks them feet up and puts them down getting around quickly - he saves effort by not picking them up very high, and finally Jimmy D brought his easy-going aw-shucks persona to the field and beat the face off a couple of softballs while in the field he spent most of his time with his back to the infield chasing down balls in the gaps. By the way Gus drank some beer...I'm pretty sure that was him if anyone asks. Next up: Coed Slugger action Sunday evening starting at 7 pm. Be there!

Tuesday Sluggers rained out for April 14th - location was supposed to be Lyons Park. Tuesday will be juggled by the city at three locations: Lyons, Wilmore, and Lindenwood Parks. Stay Tuned...

On the cusp of April and Springtime action this year, Lager Sluggers Nation will feature Lady Slugger action on the field in 2009. Grab your sports bra and get ready to get dirty going after some balls ladies. Tuesday Slugger action makes its debut in 2009 along with the coed and the dominant Thursday Elks' team returns as well. Game wraps for Tuesday action will be handled by Commish or Wampler or the homeless can guy from Wilmore as the Freak will not be accompanying the team on the spring trek to Wilmore for the first time since 2003. In the event updated Slugger results cannot be acquired - pre-scripted results will be posted in their place based on previous years action. Take care & play ball!

 Tentative rosters in play for TUESDAYS at Wilmore, Thursdays at The Elks & Sundays at The Elks -- COED!