September 2002
September 4, 6:43 PM
So forget about coherency, it just won't happen.
Trying to find family on geneology web sites is like trying to enjoy the musical saw. I can't find any listing with my family name and I have no idea where to look. My parents aren't exactly up with geneology. It's mostly for this family tree project I have to do for families in contemporary society class. I also have a renewed interest in my roots, but apparently they are much harder to find than was previously thought.
As for school it's in full sway now. I forget how big the jump is every year until I'm up to my head in the semester. For now, ciao... I'll be back,
C a Girl
September 7, 6:09 PM
All the hub-bub around the theatre lately was for nothing. Everyone was upset about Tim's possible casting choices for Midsummer Night's Dream. After all the bitching and back talk all was for not. Tim didn't end up casting any of us except for Annie, which I think in the end was all for the best. But what a-shit-storm of a ride getting to that point!
Tiffaney and I went on an all out shopping spree today. I spent more money on myself then I've spent in the last few years combined. I am now the proud owner of a cushy pillow, new sneakers, two shirts (and sadly I admit both were sold to me by a kindly young lady at old navy), the "I am Sam" soundtrack, several skiens of yarn (for knitting projects YAY), and a multitude of bath products. Gladly Ames is going out of business (so lots of cheap stuff for me)!
I learned a couple of things today. None of the horseshit that happened this week was worth the stress. I can accomplish almost anything when I am so willing. And shopping really can soothe the worn out soul. Have a nice night all,
C a Girl
September 12, 9:39 AM
Moon noticed the almost total lack of the diary since this summer and I noticed it too. Not to say that I hadn't before, I just had no desire to do anything about it. There are times when I'm moved to do things and there are times when I can't even get out of bed. The simplest act of the day becomes the hardest. It's not that I'm depressed; it's not that I don't care. It's simply that my body refuses to let me up and conveniently I allow it to do so.
But in the end it all boils down to my current existential crisis. Who am I and what do I want to do with my life? I want to make a difference; I want to make this world a decent place to live. But if I can't even get out of bed how can I change the world? And being that I NEED to do theatre to feel whole how can I use that as my vehicle? I'll never be famous enough to use that fame to help change things (not that I'm jinxing myself, I just don't want that kind of 'star-power'). All these questions came flooding in yesterday (or rather have been slowing leaking into a deluge since early summer). It's sinking in that I'm graduating soon and I need to have in place some kind of security. I know that the world is an uncertain place and even the best laid plans fall through. That's why I want to have a few back-ups. I don't want to be that thirty-something living in my parent's basement because I couldn't hack it on my own.
And while all of this is going on I'm still a full time student and part time employee at SUNY P. 18 credits, one trip to Canada and follow spot for the Nutcracker later and I'll be crossing a stage in a stupid cap and gown. And perhaps even then I won't know what my next move will be. Will I move back in with mom and dad until I can find a job in the area of my liking? Or will I jump right in and try and find a place of my own? Money doesn't worry me now because I don't have any. But that will become a giant problem when I'm trying to start out. AAAARRRRGGGHHHH. I just want to scream "STOP" at the top of my lungs. I want the world to wobble on its axis for a moment and complete silence across the globe. I want to explain: "Wake up and look at ourselves. We're such a bunch of freaks and we need to drop all of our weapons, our attitudes, our defenses. We need to let one another in and we need to take care of each other. Thank you." The world can then spin again and resume. And if it doesn't make a difference well then, it doesn't. But if it reaches just one person it will all have been worth it.
On that note, I shall continue to ponder my existence and try to decide which way to best spend the next few years of my life.
C a Girl
September 13, 12:49 AM
Procrastinating. I have to type a three page, double spaced analytical paper on some readings I did in Feminst Frameworks class. I suck at analytical. I'm really good about writing how I feel. But analysis has nothing to do with emotions. I have a feeling this paper is going to suck.
Also, had some interesting discussion generated on the topic of people changing. I can understand people changing to become better. I think I've improved a lot over the past few years. Many of my friends have improved with me. Those that didn't, or simply couldn't were unfortunately left in the dust. Some of those left behind changed for the worst. The personality flaws that seemed so little so long ago are glaring and rearing their ugly heads and I feel rotten because I'm not the only person walking away. I don't like to abandon a friend in need, but if that friend can't see their faults and I can't help them then what the hell can I do but walk away? My biggest question: How can they not see that they are changing for the bad and that their friends are one by one leaving their confidence? And why the hell wouldn't they try to change for the better? How exactly does one become evil, or stupid, or mean? And why does one stay that way? I just don't understand.
Just a side thought: Madonna says that "rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac." Maybe that's why I chase after guys like Graves and A. Waterworks and Rust. Speaking of which. I had random thoughts about the first name mentioned earlier today. I did lots of healthy friendly, getting over the stupid repetitive crush bonding with the second above over the course of the summer. And lastly I saw the Rust man today and he seemed in a genuinely good mood. So I told him we should hang out sometime and I gave him my new number. And I swooned all over again.
C a Girl
September 18, 3:47 PM
Chris called me a few days ago and we have made arrangements to meet on Sunday. I call it a date off-handedly to my friends but it's not because I doubt Chris would let it be. Sigh. Boys. And while I really don't want to be playing the field, I am also seriously considering the jumping Colin option, in the event that Mr. Rust would so desire to be jumped. Speaking of boys. I had an interesting dream about my old dog last night and Joe Finckel and Saif (the strangest combination of men I could even fathom) popped in. Finckel had the guitar and was playing some song and Saif was concerned about my dog's well-being since he was ill. ODD.
We had our first Stratford class meeting. That's the class where I get to go to Canada, watch plays and get an A for a great journal. I'm so excited already and the trip is 3 weeks away. I don't think I can wait that long for a vacation.
I am currently talking to cousin Pete on the IM. We haven't spoken in a long time, so this is a nice change of pace. Other than that I'm just trying to get through another day where I don't want to go to classes and all I really want to do is play games on MSN.com. Ah well. See you later,
C a Girl
September 19, 5:24 PM
I am so angry. And I'm not even sure why. I have a lot of tiny stressors all adding up into a big pile of crap. I'm trying to let some shit slide, but it's like the truth valve got turned on full. Everytime I open my mouth the words just come out and I can't stop them. And the anger is just curled up below the surface, laying dormant and waiting to attack.
Maybe this is just some sort of growing pains. I'm still trying to figure out what I want in life and what matters to me. What is worth it to fight for? I don't know yet and I think that's just making me angrier. Sigh, deep breath. Maybe I just need to kill a Sim and get it out of my system.
C a Girl
September 21, 1:49 PM
The anger sort of disipated. It took killing a Sim, two episodes of Golden Girls, one of Designing Women and a few nights of icecream with Reese's Pieces. After all, I'm still trying to figure out what matters to me, and everything that happened in the past few days was not worth my energy.
I might pick up my tarot again. I think I've been away long enough to start a fresh attack on the practice. And of course thinking about the supernatural always makes me think of Graves. I'll ponder some more and maybe type a bit later. Love,
C a Girl
September 21, 10:49 PM
Two things to think about. One disgusting, the other simply thoughtful:
I have too many balls in the air and not enough in my mouth. And
Life: I can't exchange it. I don't want to return it. I didn't even buy it. I just don't know what to do with it.
Keep it real.
C a Girl
September 23, 4:07 PM
I've been coming up with all these little gems lately:
"Remind me to carry a fire exstinguisher just in case more shit blows up in my face." There was another one at lunch, but I can't remember it just now.
As always, things have settled again. I guess my biggest problem is that I'm trying to find a way to be all adult like and at the same time remain a child inside, always. I won't be able to play freeze-tag for the rest of my life (but I have been trying to get people to play with me in between classes). If I ever figure it out I'll let you know.
C a Girl
September 24, 1:02 AM
I found out something rather astonishing this evening. My aunt, the one I'm named after, the one who died while she was being born. She died of toximia, the same illness my mother had as I was being born. Not only am I named after her, but we were born in the same conditions. My mother never even thought about it when she named me. Sort of odd to even think about it. I was always just a little creeped out because of being named for my dead aunt. This makes it even stranger, the relationship between us I'm certain is more than just coincidence. It's almost like I'm living the life she didn't get to, like a borrowed existence. I've got to go to bed, my brain hurts.
C a Girl
September 28, 6:59 PM
So I have to admit, I'm lonely. It's like the baby-clock has decided to go off and it's telling me to find a man and if not make a baby at least practice making babies all night long. And since neither is really an option right now I'm out of my gourd: horny and lonely is not a healthy combination in a 23 year old.
I miss work. I haven't had enough to do since there aren't enough calls to go around for everyone. Maybe it's the turn of the seasons, maybe it's just a self-depricating sense of loss. Maybe I just need more sleep.
C a Girl
September 29, 8:09 PM
I'm actually doing homework. Prepare for the apocalypse. It's kind of weird that someone who couldn't be bothered with such nonsense as homework for 5 years could suddenly change her mind and get serious.
The loneliness has lessened. Moon is coming up for columbus day break (once I get back from Canada) and I'm so damn excited that none of the other crap really matters right now. And Damian was over last night, snuggling and asking us to marry him. For all the shit the universe throws at us human beings she also throws a lot of nice things. Things like vacations and snuggle-bunny friends who can't decide if they're gay or straight. I'm filled with hidden smiles and they're making an attempt to sneak out McGuyver style right now. Night all,
C a Girl